I have read what has been shared on my last topic and it makes so much sense. I have been doing the 4th step al-anon inventory and this morning I wrote 17 pages in my journal. I see my pattern of being with alcoholic men and what its doing to me. I am the one that falls apart and needs help, yet the Alcoholic just keeps going! I have made a decision that no matter what he says, begs, I will not go back. Yesterday, he even left me a message on the cell phone saying how sorry he was...bla, bla, bla, and I did not listen to message. I erased it and his text he sent as well and his cell number. I even shut off the cell phone. He does not know the apartment house phone number. (I am sure he can locate it if he wanted, but knowing him he will not go there). I know in my heart that this is it for me. I will not go back to that drama. I had completely enough of the lies, cheating, drinking, drunk slurs, keeping me up all night, ect. I have been through that one to many times and had to take medical leave from work twice due to active alcoholism in my life and its effects on me. Right now, I have to keep complete focus on work and do what ever it takes to protect it, so I can support myself and my daughter. I am finding that focusing on work and protecting it at all cost, meaning no distractions at home due to active alcoholism, is giving me strength to not go back or call/text him. I did have a good day yesterday at work, I was focused, able to concentrate, and remember details of what I had to do for work! It was amazing! I was so proud of myself! In fact I felt confident in myself and believed i can and I am able to do the work. Making the decision to end this sick, alcoholic relationship made me believe in myself again. I continue to feel great today and grateful. I have a job interview this morning for a job I had done for 9 years prior. I know I will nail the interview. I had a quite and restful sleep last night with no distractions and it was heaven! I deserve this. I have no reason to contact him and I have no reason to go back to pick up what I left behind at his home. I can buy in store what I left behind. I had been through worse in my life and know that this is minor to what I had endured and will not go back to. I seem to finally figure it out, I deserve much better! What I realized is I settle for less than what I want because of old beliefs ingrained in me by my alcoholic mother, be there for your man no matter what, have pity on people, don't think of yourself as being better and be like white woman (I am First Nation and grew up with strong first nation beliefs). I finally said screw these beliefs, I am here in city by myself, and its a dog eat dog world-everyone is out for themselves-its called mainstream society, and survival. If I fall, who will look after me? No one. I have to get my act together and save myself and do what ever it takes to make it-no dysfunction and distractions that take from me and what I want and deserve. I have to stay completely focused on what I want my life to be. I have worked so hard to get where I am today, treatment, psychiatric wards, therapy, intensive therapy where I cried buckets and buckets, and 12 step work, self analizing, ect...and completing university degree in SW and raising two kids while in school, working at a really good union job, jumping through hoops after hoops to to meet expectations at work, busting my ass off to make it in mainstream society, while maintaining my identity as a first nation woman and looking after a handicap daughter (has psychiatric issues), and does not drink, to have some drunk take this away from me! I do not think so! I will not allow it to happen. I worked to hard to get what I have achieved, to have it ripped away from me by some drunk who is causing insanity in my life. No way! I will preserve what I have with all the power within me. If I have to be single and live alone for remainder of my life, I can handle it, better than living with some useless drunk! In fact I love living alone, its complete Bliss! No drama! What I am writing now is what is giving me strength to not keep contact with Alcoholic. And I see it as if this is what it takes, I am doing it! I have been reading on the message board and that too, gives me strength to say, do I want the insanity back! and the answer is a complete NO! thanks for reading!