hopes314 wrote:

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    What wouldI look for? Heck the only time I know for sure is that they smell bad!!!

Is there anything more obvious!!  Or is it such a sneaky disease? 

 

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 LOL....well its kinda hard to tell if they are very secretive and clean, keep up their grooming, hygiene, etc., but some little signs...yea, the smell in their pores and the redish nose sometimes.....really??? lets give a real life story how i "spotted" an A i dated ONCE

I meet him at the red lobster...about a year ago, maybe?  and hes nice, well groomed but we get into the restaurant and hes trying already to control me.....red flag #1....we get to talking and everything I said, he either corrected me or had one better......again another red flag...it was an online dating site, and he had been on a long time, i was new...he put down EVERY one he dated, working their inventory big time,  and i am thinking "oh well, i'll be the next one he puts down to his NEXT date"  red flag again........he had 2 drinks to my 1/2 waiting for our dinner, that was another thing i looked at.....the waitress gave excellent service and i wanted to give her kudos to the mgr....."thing" didn't want to bother...she is just a waitress after all (his words) and i find mgr and i compliment her about her great service, and he thanks me

we get out to our vehicles and he wants to call me...I tell him not tonight, I have to make a stop at CVS to get some allergy pills......

i get home and i find a nasty email, telling me that i embarrassed him, by fraternizing with the waitress and THEN making a big deal about her to the mgr.....I wrote him back saying that if it was such a big problem, then maybe we need not contact each other anymore b/c that is how i am..when one goes out of her way to give good service, i am gonna say something...too bad, get over it

his next email is in all caps, and spelling was deteriorating as i read the thing, grammar was worse than mine if you can believe it and hes getting more and more angry as he writes.....

i went into my filters and blocked him......HAD to be an alcoholic and a very controlling one at that

there are the drinking too much at parties, there are the ones who "closet drink" but you can tell by the fact that they are not very into life early in morning, and then i have seen some that can get up....my mother, don't know how she did it, the hangover musta been a bitch, but she would get up if she had to, but she had no stomache for a big breakfast and eggs made her want to hurl what was left of her stomache after a night of drinking

they are kinda like dogs, different colors, sizes, breeds , temperaments, but the drinking too much,  the getting slurry and not wanting to stop when partying,  the "gotta get a buzz b4 dinner comes"  are all bad signs....I can kinda of smell one now b/c i have been impacted so much by drinkers.....they can't stop when they start, OR if they can, they gotta have it in the house....can't be w/out it....like their security blanket....for me it is butter fingers...but i am doing the steps on my over doing it with the butter fingers...my friday boss and i are BF addicts...he buys a PACKAGE of the small ones?? we go through them like they are going out of style.....

being  a coda, means i am a co-addict.....if i see a good thrift shop, i will nearly cause a wreck..gotta check it out......so yea, i have to work on my stuff

but the alcoholics, you kinda "know" when you observe.....some of the dry ones, are controlling...its always someone elses fault....they gotta "one up" you on everything...they are short fused, and some are easy to get pissed...a lot of them have anger issues...the ones who put down their ex spouses all the time or their family "didn't understand them"  are kinda worrisome.....its hard to pin point, i am just giving generalities,  i have developed a sixth sense....

an older gent i was friends with and dated a couple of times ALWAYS was broke...NEVER had money to take me to anything better than maybe the Veterans lodge where there is smoking and drinking   2 things i can do w/out....BUT   BUT he always had money to get his little buzz on the jack danials and water....oh yea, that crap costs a bit in a restaurant, unless you are going to the old VFW....then it isn't so bad, I hear...never went to one but he told me about it and invited me....i hate smoke...don't want to drink.....so that ended that....they got NO money for bills, necessities, but they always have money for alcohol.....

i am just giving you some general things.....the thing is to watch..observe....don't say too much about it b/c then they may get sneaky,  just act like you don't really catch on, but WATCH....the signs will show up......read the posts here of the ones who are with A's' or left A's and read what they say about their A's and how they run their lives....

a sober, healthy person will want an EQUAL relationship, he will own his mistakes, he will treat you as an equal and with respect, he will have a healthy love of self and his community and he will be very pleasant to hang out with....he will be responsible....take his job seriously...if he was married and is sharing his kids, he will be glad to pay his support no matter what he thinks of Ex , he will take care of his children...he will be just healthy in all areas of his life and not afraid to admit his (when you get closer) not so good points, like he hates to clean out the litter box, but will do it b4 cat begins to use the fireplace as her/his litter box......stuff like that........

NICE share and VERY good to bring this up........

its been a while since i let any of them close to me...i keep a big distance, but oh yea, i remember those turbulent days well and won't go back..........IN SUPPORT

Jerry F wrote:

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I don't look for them cause I no longer collect them and don't need one in my life to one up anymore.   Generally I get notified by body language and then there is no guarantee all the time.  I just don't look anymore.  I hang with 100s of sober ones and their cool.   (((hugs)))

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 yaaaay Jerry....I agree....hang with the sober bunch who ENJOY being sober.....better risk....way better....

grateful2be wrote:

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 Something in me goes off and I know to proceed to a certain level and no further. Again - not because of them but more because I know what I know and I can't discount it. , but I do safeguard myself - something I didn't know how to do as a young woman.

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 yep...its a vibe as someone earlier said.......i see anything "not right"  i am not talking about harmless stuff, but real character issues, and i back off......some stuff is negotiable, able to over look, some stuff i can't and wont' over look....like u, i keep my mouth shut and WATCH....taking note within......i safe guard me.....and i , too, as a youngster, had no idea how to protect me.....

i was kidnapped by an alcoholic who was obsessed w/me...i worked as a waitress in a very nice restaurant and this guy everyone knew him and everyone said it was safe for me to ride home w/him as my car was in shop and he offered to take me home....it was HIS home he took me to and he refused to let me go until i promised him i would let him court me...he was an alcoholic, and hes obsessed w/me......i asked him if i could go to restroom and he said "ok"...I found some of his tooth pain killers when he had his root canal, and i put some of the pills in my dress pocket....he was drinking......i offered to get him another beer and i crushed up the pills, easy to do, and put them in his beer.....it took a while for it to take affect, but it did, making him very very inebrieted to the point of being only  half awake.....i took his keys, unlocked his house, jumped in his car, fired it up and hes running after me.......i crammed it into reverse and drove it to the police station.....i called my BFF and she came and got me.......cops asked me if i wanted to press charges but ya know??? the guy would not hurt me, i sensed it...he was totally obsessed w/me, but i could tell, he would not hurt me,...he had plenty of chances to try and rape or hurt me otherwise but he would not.........i said "no, let it go"   i told my boss about it so when he came in, i was asked if that was "ok, or do you want us to kick him out???"  I said leave him be, just walk me to my car when i go......my boss told him i was one of his favorite little girls and if he EVER frightened me like that, he would kill him and he would have......oh yea, nice experience.....

i just didnn't know how to protect me.....now i do.....i never get into a persons car unless i am totally, 100% sure they are safe...that car could be taking me to a crime scene in which there is no where to scream or run....

I think its easier to spot the people affected in some way or other and it seems its the whole world. Alcoholics are human and so even if your dentist or doctor is not an a it doesnt mean then they are tip top, good people. The disease has no social boundaries, like lots of human flaws.There are things worse than alcohlism. Cant actually believe im saying that.

Im trying really hard to live by the program so i fight with myself to look in and not out. When i look out thinkjng about other people and their problems and lives then i am in dangerous territory. I start the comparing and guessing and judging kind of thing. Looking out is part of my sickness.

ohno the learning comes over time...using the senses along with the education to understand who is and who isn't.  I was born in the disease and had no clue even when I got to the doors of Al-Anon.  Smelling it??  If you drink...alcoholic or not it will get into the system including the breath, blood, skin, skin tone...everything..it is a powerful powerful chemical and from my experience you cannot drinking it and just think you will not be affected in some way...you will be.  Alcohol is toxic meaning in the category of poisons and it is synergistic meaning that if you are taking other mind and mood altering chemicals; prescripts or not alcohol will very often multiply the affect of those chemicals in large degrees.   The alcoholic overtime becomes able to appear "normal" (what the hell ever that means) to the family and friends and often times is considered functioning...NOT!!   As a therapist I can easily debunk functioning not by looking at the alcoholic and by looking at the family.  The alcoholic has a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body and family and friends and such.  Sometimes they are professionals and priests and nuns and such.  I don't try anymore cause there a many gazillions of them and what is the point in trying to pick one out...I've been inoculated by the steps, traditions, slogans, literature, meeting and MIP family and especially a  power much greater than an alcoholic.   Free at last....FREE at last...thank God I'm free at last!!.   ((((hugs))))