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Post Info TOPIC: Hi 😊. I'm new & housebound (separated) wife of man in denial


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Hi 😊. I'm new & housebound (separated) wife of man in denial


not sure how this works, so I'm trying
My friend told me about you as I'm struggling at the moment. I have ME & pretty much housebound so unable to go to meetings. My husband is an alcoholic but is still in denial. Currently he drinks 3 bottles of wine & a bottle of vodka a night, tho tells me he stopped drinking months ago. I can smell it on his breath.
He was drinking before we married but promised he would stop after our honeymoon. It just got worse. I wanted a baby, but he was too drunk to try & told me it was because I was fat & repulsive (was uk size 12) & he couldn't bear me touching him. Every day he accused me of something, called me names, rejected my hugs & drank until he passed out on the sofa. Eventually I became so depressed & my ME got so much worse, I left thinking (hoping) he loved me enough to realise what he was doing.... He didn't notice I had gone for a month.
After I left he fell down the stairs drunk & ended up in hospital. He broke his collarbone, ribs & dislocated his shoulder. When on codine he was still drinking & threatened my male best friend & I & because he has a lot of guns, I called the police, hoping they would tell him not to drink or take his guns away. He just drank more & said it was my fault for upsetting his family at Christmas. He's been admitted 3 times since then with pancreatitis caused by drink & they told him if he drank again he had 7 years left to live..... He stopped for a month. This week he's had a nose bleed that won't stop. He said the cat scratched him inside his nose.
The hardest thing is loving him but I can't help him. I don't know what to do. One day he says he misses me and wants me back, so I ask him to get help and tell him I support him, then he says I'm putting up walls and I'm "a slut". He was the one who was seeing my sister tho..?!?!!? (Crikey, it's a bit Jeremy Kyle now! Sorry!)
I can see him slowly killing himself & his parents aren't kicking his backside even tho they live next door!
I'm at a loss so if ANYONE please has some tips I'd be ever so grateful? Xx

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello and welcome to alanon

This sounds very serious....verbal abuse,  guns, threatening you and a good friend....do you have a safe place to go if he goes nuts???? really, a domestic abuse shelter???  find one near you and just know where it is if you have to run

you say you are  housebound...can you get out if you need to???  I am glad you showed up here and we do have online meetings here....as to a baby...are you sure you want one w/this mess your in???? an active , abusive alcoholic????  I hope you think twice about that..bringing a baby into a potentially dangerous atmosphere , what would you do if he got aggressive w/you and tiny baby?????  just throwing some questions out here

as i said we have on line meets here every day, the schedule is on this main page , i think

you have a situation where you need alanon in order to keep YOUR sanity  in all this...alanon is the sober one's haven....it teaches us how to take care of us, our needs, how to let him go to his own devices, let him reap the consequences of his deeds, no babying him, no enabling him, alanon will teach you how to do this life saving action......there is no coping w/this without alanon.....

i was married to two alcoholics..i grew up with it so didn't know any healthier way to live..now i do.....i left both of them...the 1st one was very abusive......i don't do abuse....adultery...nor do i do substance abuse.....those 3 offenses will cause me to leave and not look back.......thats just me

in alanon they say don't make any major decisions w/out working a program for about 6 months, but this guy sounds like he is getting real abusive and it gets worse as their drinking gets worse....it will take out his mind, his body  and he could go majorally aggressive on you and take YOU out, so you need a safe place to go in event of an emergency......

I am really sorry you are in this awful situation...if my man didn't want me touching him, called me a slut or fat or anyway undesirable, that would turn me away.....soo sorry,  and please don't buy into his insults...hes a drunk an a bad one at that and hes projecting his low self esteem on you....so please dn't buy his drunken horrible accusations.....alcoholics can be mean...my 1st one was...he broke my sense of self, nearly...but i got out in time....2nd one was a sweetheart, not a mean bone in his body, but i loved him too much to see him die from drinking, so i gave him an ultimatum...i drew a date on the calandar and said  we BOTH get into recovery you YOU move out and we divorce....he did not want help...he wanted to drink.....Out he went....

some of them are , i don't know how they can be so cruel and vicious, but its some anger problem they have that is surfacing and they take it out on the innocent spouse or even worse, their children......i wold think long and hard b4 i let myself get pregnant by someone who is an active alcoholic and who is so ugly to you....

i urge you to tune into our online meets,  read the posts here, get your feet wet in alanon and you will learn how to work this wonderful program........so glad you reached out....NOONE should have to live like that, being treated the way he treats you.....so sorry.....IN SUPPORT



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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OH, I see u left him??? are you still gone????   wow, i missed that....i guess his treatment of you, i was sorta shocked and missed that you left...

I do hope you think looong and hard b4 you even think of going back...as i stated in my first post, he is sounding like he is getting meaner and meaner and you don't need to be in his way when he gets really angry..

you CANT help him...only he can do that....you are a nicer gal then me b/c truly i could not love one who treats me like that....maybe your love is sympathy for him???  and sympathy won't help him....the only thing you CAN do to MAYBE get him to want to save his life is to LEAVE HIM BE....let him fall hard...its his only  hope of getting help.........hes gotta get so sick or so messed up with the law or so in trouble elsewhere and even THEN he may not get help.......

you are talking about a full blown addict here...7 years to live hasn't driven him to AA...what will???   you didn't cause this

you won't control this   you will never cure this...........all you can do is give him over to his god and LET HIM BE.....its between him and his maker.....if he keeps choosing the 80 proof god, he will be gone......to save himself he will have to 100000% surrender to his AA and to his god if he wants even a small chance of staying sober.....only about 15- 25% i hear make it., and the ones who succeed are the ones who totally surrender to the program

you can't influence him to do this....this addiction is more powerful than you or him or anything but his maker and AA....that is it....his only shot....and you are totally  powerless over his decisions.....

so sorry to put it this way, but it is what it is.....this addiction is a curse that only surrendering to AA and his higher power will help and then there is no cure...only management...he will always be an addict........sending you PEACE and SUPPORT



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to MIP. His parents are as powerless over him as you are powerless over him. So......the most help I can give you is to suggest that you attend Al-Anon meetings in your area if possible and if not possible that you attend our on-line Al-Anon meetings here. They meet twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. This will help you break the isolation you are experiencing and get the help for you that you need. He is very sick. He isn't going to get better without treatment. But, you can get better and you can start to live with hope again - not for him, but for you. Keep coming back here, too. We understand. Many of us have been through what you describe or are going through it now.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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You have come to the right place. We have all been in your shoes. Be patience and listen to the wisdom from these ladies.
I have been in Alnon for almost 1.5 years. It has saved my sanity.
The A unfortunately does verbal abuse to keep drinking.. if I got in his way, he would figure out a way to fight me..
My life has turned around because I am working on myself.
They is nothing you can do to help the A. I let mine hit bottom. Best thing I ever did is let it happen!! Then the A will have to look st themselves and make a change or not.
It is hard to watch someone kill themselves but you need to take care of you first.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello and welcome You are not alone Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Alcoholism is a progressive chronic , fatal disease over which we are powerless. You cannot control it, cure it, nor did you cause it.

The disease affects all that comes in contact with it. Alanon is the recovery program for family members and AA is the program for the person who drinks.

In alanon I learned how to reclaim my self esteem and self worth by developing new tools to live by Please reach out and get help for yourself

You are worth it

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Thank you all so much for all your help and advice.
I gave up on the baby idea & due to health problems the doc had to sterilse me so that hope left with his empties. Like you say, I couldn't bring a child into that environment. It's not fair. That was one of the hardest decisions, then leaving him on top of that the hardest ever.
I did give him an ultimatum, and I left because I couldn't handle itt and he was showing no sign of even slowing down, but I still see him as he has our pets and I love his mum and dad. whenever he say he wants me back I tell him to go to alanon, docs, counselling or anything. I've told him I'd go with him but he must make the appointment and first move.
For a long time he didn't know where I was after the gun threat, but then he found out... But thank god there has been no more threats, tho my friend hasn't spoken to me since (I guess I see his point..)
I'm so pleased I found you guys tho, and I hope I achieve all my friend has and eventually help people like me who are totally lost.
I lost all my self esteem a long time ago and since my illness I've turned into the fat blob he said I was. He says the reason we aren't together and our marriage failed was because I got drunk once at a Christmas party and thought something was funny that wasn't.... I say no it's because you were constantly nasty to me and you kept drinking and refusing help, so his response is that I'm reminding him of how horrible he was in the past and that I'm evil and want to make him suffer?!? I don't..., I want to see him get HELP.
I will definately go to online meetings, thanks. Getting out is hard without help and I get tired really easily so I may get myself to a meeting and not be able to get home! One day... I will aim for it.
Thank you all so so much
Big hugs xx

-- Edited by Lucers73 on Saturday 20th of December 2014 03:19:41 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello Lucers73, Welcome to MIP.

I am so pleased that you have found us, you are not alone.

I hope that you can see those remarks about your weight as abuse?

I relate to the weight comments because I have been hearing the same thing for close to twenty years and I am also a UK size 12. Since I found Alanon I have come to realise that those comments speak volumes about my husband's state of mind and have I have started to relearn and re-live my own body rather than listen to him. I think that there are plenty of folks out there who would like my body. I now like my body, and the fact that I have a few curves. At one point I dropped two sizes (because of stress) and what did I hear from AH? 'You are too thin'!!!!! AH repeated the 'too fat, not to my taste' baloney this week. I am currently trying to think of something marvellous that I can do for myself, a lovely treat or, I think, a holiday, to restore my own balance.

I'm sorry to focus on this small part of your story, but I am grateful to you for this opportunity to relate my own experience. I hope we can enjoy our recovery together.

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PP


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Welcome to MIP....this is a loving, wise community dedicated to our recovery from our addictive behaviors/thoughts.  i am sorry you have experienced abuse from someone you thought loved you...it seems you also have thoughts about you that are abusive  to you?  Begin treating you in a more loving way.  Face to face al anon meetings are a good place to begin.  I am confused by your statement of being homebound, yet, you have offered to accompany your husband to meetings and appointments?  Keep coming back, al anon works if you work it and you are worth it.



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Paula



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Hey Lucers. I like all the suggestions you received. Please stay active with us and try the online meetings. Hopefully you are less housebound than you think you are but even the online meeting will help. I don't hear much about your husband to love so I'm unsure what you are referring to when you say you love him so much still. What's to love? He sounds horrible. I hear that a lot on this forum....people describing torturous relationships and then ending with "but I love him/her." Is it love? Do you love yourself enough to love someone else in a healthy way? These are thing to focus on in Alanon. It does not sound like you are loving yourself at all at the moment and that is a way bigger problem in YOUR life than what your sick alcoholic husband is up to (and yes, he sounds like a standard end stage alcoholic with all the insane accusations, behaviors, and reversion to childlike BS with mommy and daddy enabling it).

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Hi everyone & thanks
It sounds odd yet reassuring (sorry!) that other people have experienced this, as my husband tells me I am theone twisting things and making them up, yet you have had the same/similar. My husband tells me it's all in my head and I'm the one making things up make him look bad.
I can get out a little but not too good without help. I can drive a little way as I think I need to be able to for my sanity! I've always been really independent.
Yes, you are right . I don't love myself much. Long story short I was abused by a family member when I was a child and have had nothing but abusive relationships since (according to my counsellor...) as because when I told my mum at 13 it was brushed away and I was told I was taking affection the wrong way so I'm not too good on thinking I'm worth much, but I am working on it. All my husbands comments just went in and stayed in making me feel worse. It's amazing I got the courage to leave!!! When he was being awful I used to hide in the bath and cry until I could hear him snoring downstairs.
I'm not sure if I make much sense, but I love the man I knew that was sober? We used to have fun and when I married him I thought it was forever. I believed his promise like I believed our vows. The house where we lived was the dream house! The hope of being a parent, I loved his family, they loved me, I was healthy, he had a good secure job, we had our cats and they had plenty of safe fields to play in... Take drink out of the equation and life was lovely! Now he lies and manipulates, he buys his brothers family's love (he still has a good job and very well paid tho he used to say it was one of the reasons he drank - stress) yet they can't see! I'm now homeless, I walked out with nothing but my clothes even though I put just as much into the house. I can't see my cats, or his family so it feels as if drink has won EVERYTHING.
I REALLY want to get through this and understand for my own sanity. I would like to help him, though don't think I can.
Thank you everyone.... I'm sorry I'm offloading to you rather a lot!!
Big hugs and thank you so so much. You're all helping me so much already xxxxx

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Sorry! What do you mean pinkchip about end stage?? Is that a good thing or a bad thing?? Is it a "this is just before he gets help" thing, or an END stage? I really don't understand any of all this yet! Xxxx

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~*Service Worker*~

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Lucers I am so sorry you are still struggling with accepting the fact that alcoholism is a progressive, chronic fatal ,disease over which we are powerless
End stage alcoholism is a term that is used to describe a person who has reached a certain level in the progression of the disease and the medical professionals are now warning about the real possibility of impending death of the drinker.
Please keep coming back, focus on yourself and see all the assets that you posses It is important to relearn how to appreciate yourself.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Lucers73 wrote:

 I don't love myself much. Long story short I was abused by a family member when I was a child and have had nothing but abusive relationships since (according to my counsellor...) as because when I told my mum at 13 it was brushed away and I was told I was taking affection the wrong way so I'm not too good on thinking I'm worth much, but I am working on it. All my husbands comments just went in and stayed in making me feel worse.
I REALLY want to get through this and understand for my own sanity. I would like to help him, though don't think I can.
Thank you everyone....


 Dear Lucers.....I am the survivor of the same kind of abuse....my bio father....i told my mother and she attacked me....so ended my ability to trust, to love to feel anything good about me and to this day i struggle w/the "loving me" part, but i just keep at it....i struggle w/the god thing too b/c of the lack of intervention of god during this heinous act against me....another battle, but ya know?? i do my best...thats all i can do, so I do relate to you....the low sense of self worth,  i blamed ME for not "stopping him"  oh that is what my bio sister said  "its my fault b/c i was too needy of love and thus encouraged him"  that is what she said...it was MY fault that HE the offender attacked ME the CHILD....so for decades i hated me, sabotaged me, punished me b/c I was  "at fault" for his crimes against me........I was saddened when i read this part of your post....the struggles they leave us with, the scars, etc., the fears, low self esteem, loss of trust, innocence , loss of potential.......I have a genious IQ and have done NOTHING even close to my potential.....no belief in me.....i am getting better through alanon and the 12 steps, meetings, work w/my sponsor who is also a survivor of sex assault by a friend of the family  oh yea, the damage these maggots do to a child is endless...she turned alcoholic but got into AA and has been sober since late 80's....she has been such a blessing to me...a good sponsor is worth his/her weight in gold.......... as to your "like to help him"  how about helping YOU????  lets talk about helping you.....He did this to himself....let him work his way out of it, and as pinkchip said,  what is there to love , he was horrible....but there again, i get where you are coming from.....we survivors of the worst crimes dont' think we deserve better,  we draw punishment and pain to us b/c we think we deserve to pay and pay and pay for our inability to stop evil.....alanon has allowed me to really feel, that i am NOT going to Pay anymore.....I don't love me like i should but i am way better....when i do stupid, thoughtless things, out of not paying attention, b/c my mind can't stay focused, i get on me bad...i beat me up and berate me, its almost like his cold dark hand is reaching out at me, slapping me down from his grave.....i will fight this...i will fight this till i die b/c I DESERVE to have a life...I deserve to be free of the darkness forced upon me....as for forgiveness??? to hell w/him...he wasn't sorry, didn't even ask his god to forgive him,  so i work on forgiving ME for all the self punishment and abuse i did to me, letting others abuse me b/c i did not think i was worth anything......i have changed thanks to alanon....i am no longer allowing/accepting any form of abuse...i stand up for me now....i assert me now...i defend me now....i cut out people who are abusers and addicts from my life.....i don't try to help those who don't want to help themselves......i take care of ME first and what energy  I have left over, i am more than glad to give a boost to a person who wants to help themselves....but they have to be willing to help themselves........

oh yea, my first Ex was a doozie....he treated me like dirt and i grovelled and begged him to love and hold me and touch me.....his favorite way of punishing me was to withold affection if i didn't  "please him"  he would just refuse to speak, touch, hug, acknowledge that i existed....i finally left, like you bc there was this tiny, miniscule flame inside of me that knew i deserved better.....just that tiny spark that my abusers didn't blow out....it was just enough to get me out of his air space, and later on into recovery........working the steps showed me just how sick i was and WHY.....so i could root out all that darkness in my bio family and label it AS IT IS....no more denial...no more white washing it, no more dismissing it as "oh it wasn't that bad"  YES........it was THAT bad.......and no more thinking that it was in anyway, my fault....how does a 14 year old stop an adult???? one who he has taken years before, to beat down and "prime" for his attack......

I don't care if this happens once, twice or a thousand times....it does a job on the victim, especially when the other parent sides w/the offender or minimizes the child or blames the child......add to that the isolation that i felt, in that i was all alone to deal with this,  when she turned on me, i never spoke of it again...i just coped and "got through it" the best i could as it took away my light  piece by piece

well i am gonna re-ignite my lite if it is the last thing i do on this earth , i will work and work to love and believe in me, i don't care how long it takes....

i want the same for you.....OK..i told you my story, now you know you are not alone...you are understood...cared about.....there is someone who knows exactly the way you feel..........

now let us both, hand in hand get to work and claim the life we so richly deserve.....we CAN , through alanon and its community and its meetings , steps, slogans, literature,  WE CAN.......i know b/c I am DOING it......I am not where i want to be yet, but i am closer then i was yesterday...................

MUCH SUPPORT............



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~*Service Worker*~

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My x was abusive and that was the end of abusive relationships for me. I can understand loving him - I loved my husband, too - I didn't love the way his mind worked as the disease progressed in him. I had to decide if I wanted to live that way anymore or not. I didn't. I divorced him. I was done. That doesn't mean there wasn't a hope that he might get well. He didn't. He went to rehab for a month once. I didn't talk with him about the reasons why I was divorcing him. He knew why. I didn't talk over what he was doing when we were married either. He knew what he was doing. He apologized, of course. That's part of the abuse cycle. I didn't buy it after the first few times he said it. I believed I had to stay married to him because I'd made a vow to do so and because we had kids. Well, there's no way any loving HP would want any woman living with a man who wants to dominate her so badly he will use any means to do it no matter what vow she made in good faith once upon a time was the conclusion I came to. I loved us both enough to set myself and therefore him free. We weren't any good for each other after awhile and the only way we could have reconciled to the point of dating let alone marrying again - was if he worked on himself with the help of good therapists and a program because it takes two to craft a healthy, loving, respectful and safe relationship - not one. Love brought us together but it wasn't love that kept us together when his disease progressed. He was too sick to make any changes. One of us had to and that one was me.

I do hope you can attend meetings to build up your self-esteem and to make changes that you can make that will improve your quality of life. Even though you experienced abuse as a child, that can be worked through as an adult and you can choose again a person who can craft a healthy relationship with you that benefits the both of you and your friends, family and community, too.

AA meetings are usually closed to people who know they are alcoholics or that they have a drinking problem. They are not usually open to spouses or significant others, too. Other alcoholics are a much better help to each other than those of us who are friends or family members but aren't alcoholics. It is much better for us and for them if we attend our own meetings and learn to work our program for ourselves - not for them.



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Its not his parnts job or yours to stop him drinkjng. Hes a grown man and no one can stop him drinking except himself. Hes sick and the medicine can be hard for us to accept but its basically, leave him alone to do what he wants and when inevitably it all goes wrong let him get the full consequences  of his actions. Anything else is enabling and allowing and helping his disease to grow from strength to strength. 



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Oh...sorry Lucers....The end stage thing just means it's about at bad as alcoholism can get though I don't know since I haven't seen him. In retrospect, it's probably not at that point yet because he somehow can still pull it together for work. That "end stage" or stage 4 alcoholism is usually almost round the clock drinking coupled with serious health problems due to the drinking. If it's not there...it sounds really close based on your original post.

Whether that mean death or recovery, I don't know but most alcoholics flirt with death before finally getting sober and then some just take it straight to the grave. And then...there seems to be another batch that just go on like that all drunk and miserable for years and live like a normal lifespan that way. My partner's father made it to 72 as a miserable drunk.

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PP


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I do hope you reach for help through al anon.  In reading through your posts, I become confused with inconsistencies in what you present.  You say you love the man that was sober, yet I am reading that he was drinking before you were married?  I still don't understand the home bound piece....I read you were homeless because you walked out?  I would like to offer support, just not sure I can add anything more of value as the truths are somewhat cloudy for me.  Al anon really helped me in speaking more of what is really true for me and to see things in a clear way.  In support..



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Paula



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I wanted to add that I also got to the place being married to my x that I hoped he would die in a car accident. When I realized that, I also knew I was in bad shape and needed to get help. Wanting him to die was my burning anger at how he treated me and my feeling trapped. I wasn't the shining star of a good, devoted wife after awhile - not in my mind or heart anyway. I was bitter. I was frustrated. I was angry. I wanted out. I had lots of physical maladies when I was married to him. All those cleared up with the exception of one issue (an auto immune disorder) when I was honest with myself and divorced him. I wasn't trapped at all. I just wanted him to change and that wasn't going to happen. I needed to change. I did.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 21st of December 2014 11:18:02 AM

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grateful2be wrote:

I wanted to add that I also got to the place being married to my x that I hoped he would die in a car accident. When I realized that, I also knew I was in bad shape and needed to get help. Wanting him to die was my burning anger at how he treated me and my feeling trapped. I wasn't the shining star of a good, devoted wife after awhile - not in my mind or heart anyway. I was bitter. I was frustrated. I was angry. I wanted out. I had lots of physical maladies when I was married to him. All those cleared up with the exception of one issue (an auto immune disorder) when I was honest with myself and divorced him. I wasn't trapped at all. I just wanted him to change and that wasn't going to happen. I needed to change. I did.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 21st of December 2014 11:18:02 AM


 (((((((((((G))))))))))))  I join you in this way of thinking....i thought exactly the same...i remember when AH#1  wold call and say hotel needed all the mgrs to stay over for a special.....i LOVED being w/out him.....i rejoiced that he wasn't coming home........i knew i was messed up, too, to wish ill on him which i did.....i wanted him GONE!! any means would do.........i was bitter, frustrated and i , too was full of anger.....i wanted out, but at that time didn't know how to get out, but eventually i found a way.......he really added to the pile of mental/emotional scars that the offender did to me....AH#1 added to them,  and the siblings,  yea, i had a ton of garbage to work out as i discovered working step 4 in recovery..........i so relate to this post.......you are not alone



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I am also in similar straits. I dont drive and live far from public transportation. I called both the aa main office and alanon main office near me and got a number of someone to take me to the meeting. It was so worth it. at the meeting i found a terific lady who lives near me and takes me to the meeting every week. she has become a dear friend.

Have you condisered a restraining order? easy to get with some paperwork at local court. For you as well,are there handicapped transportation services nearby? Use all the resources and god and alanon to keep safe and sane

hugs

alyce



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