Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: A Little Re-Introduction


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:
A Little Re-Introduction


I posted here five year's ago about my alcoholic daughter. I was able to let go of her and her alcoholism for the most part, but in the meantime, my grandson, now age 21 is in dire straights. We found out he was alcoholic when he was 18, sent him to rehab - since then he has been in an SLE, in jail, "okay" for awhile living with a relative, kicked out, living on his own (disastrous), missing, back to long term rehab, relapse, back again to long term rehab, relapse, run away, now in detox.

His mom is in recovery, but relapses around his problems. I am a mess. I have roller coaster emotions and such fear and anxiety. His current plan is to not go back to long term rehab, but to go into an SLE. My fears are around homelessness, his health, etc. He has untreated anxiety/OCD/depression.

There is a family pattern (with him) of crisis around Christmas. He was sick as an infant - in ICU, and has been sick most Christmases since. He first went to rehab at Christmas . . .so the upcoming holiday is bringing even more anxiety, coupled with the fact that he had expected to be out of detox by now and they told him it will be another week until they can place him in the SLE - and if they are not able to . . . Christmas, etc. You can see how my thinking goes.

I have gone back to Alanon but I am REALLY struggling. I am old now and I cannot see any reason for my life - wouldn't do anything, but I don't see a purpose. I can't fathom how I can have peace with this issue in my life. I can't stop thinking about it and right now I am crying, The grief is overwhelming.

I have to get it together because I have a business appointment.

Thanks for any insights or prayers.

 



__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

It may take a while for alanon to sooth the wounds. For a while, my purpose was simply to go to meetings, get support, and give it if I could. You've been living and coping with this for quite some time. The more you work your program, you WILL be able to help yourself and others similarly affected. That alone is a GIANT purpose that may be hard to envision but you have already started it just being here and going back to face to face alanon. Keep showing up!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

Although I don't know your age, "old" is a state of mind. Quality of life for you right now sounds pretty dependent on your family's health or lack thereof? I will be 66 in a few weeks. My life has been filled with loved ones affected by alcoholism. I have done my best in all their lives and the outcome isn't in my hands and never has been in my hands. Their lives belong to them and to their HP. When I think the outcome of my loved ones' lives are in my hands, I've lost my focus and life doesn't seem worth living anymore. Of course, it wouldn't. I'm not focused on my life. I'm focused on theirs. All that has been necessary for me to do to experience peace and joy again is to change my focus from them to me.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:

Thank you both. Yes, hopefully the meetings will bring purpose back.

It's hard to know how to have a life without family. I am not attending holiday functions with other relatives because of family issues and they drink too much - so I am now alone every day, including holidays.

It's "normal" to have a tribe (family) - and when you don't have one, the question of where you fit in, in life, arises.

I am 65.

I have things I like to do but I have lost context.

It seems like everything I do is simply "to cope."

Not a joyful life.

My grandson means the world to me AND I can't help him. It's just sad.

__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

It is sad, but eventually you may have a whole program family and sponsees that you love and care for. I have a program family in addition to my bio one. Your bio family are not the only ones for you to love in the world. Isolation due to being affected by this disease is horrible. That part of things will get better if you dive in and make supports more in alanon.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

Here are some questions that helped me let go of what was and what I'd hoped would be:

1. When I consider my childhood - what were those things I did that I loved so much that when Mom called for supper, I didn't hear her or didn't want to leave it?

2. If I could do anything I wanted to do, what would that be?

3. What have I always wanted to do and have never done it. What's stopping me?

4. Do I want to fit in somewhere or do I want to create something of value that is needed but not in existence yet?

Your kids are raised, ohno. Your grandson is 18 and probably would be pulling away from family now anyway - alcoholic or not - because its time for him to find his own way in life. The world is open to you again. Your responsibilities for others are completed. You can be responsible to them while pursuing new dreams for yourself, too.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 375
Date:

You can help your grandson....by immersing yourself in the Al-anon program and changing yourself and your reactions to him, he will also have to change his response to you, because you won't be the same person with the same enabling behavior, you will be more informed and wiser to this addiction. Yes you can help him... lsc



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

PRAYERS OHNO
I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL AND HAVE BEEN THERE MYSELF. PLEASE CONTINUE ATTENDING ALANON MEETINGS AND RETURNING HERE TO SHARE AS WELL.

I LOST MY ONLY CHILD TO THIS DISEASE OVER 7 YEARS AGO AND I TOO FELT AS IF I COULD NOT GO ON. I KEPT SHOWING UP AT MEETINGS, USING THE TOOLS, PRAYING, WORKING THE STEPS, CALLING ALANON MEMBERS AND SPONSOR , SHARING MY GRIEF AND ONE DAY I FELT HOPE AGAIN.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND HP WILL GUIDE YOUR LIFE IF YOU LET GO AND TRUST THE PROCESS.


__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

Your not alone and have had some excellent suggestions. I agree with everyone. A change in you will bring change for the better for everyone. You are entitled to a good life with joy in it whether the alcoholics in your life are sober or not. Detach yourself from the chaos, its the most loving thing to do for everyone. Cling to the slogans, concentrate on one and keep hold of it in your mind for an hour at a time. Let go and let god is a good one and for me ive been given sound advice, visualise him wrapped in a blanket and give him up to your and his higher power. He will most likely be okay, alcoholics tend to be okay, its us that need to save ourselves.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:

pinkchip wrote:

It may take a while for alanon to sooth the wounds. For a while, my purpose was simply to go to meetings, get support, and give it if I could. You've been living and coping with this for quite some time. The more you work your program, you WILL be able to help yourself and others similarly affected. That alone is a GIANT purpose that may be hard to envision but you have already started it just being here and going back to face to face alanon. Keep showing up!


 i agree with PC, here.....i can't leave this program or i slide right down that coda rabbit hole....glad u decided to come back....i can relate to thinking i have no purpose....been there and when i work my program and take good care of me and reaach out to the newbies, i find that is some purpose right there....we don't "go home" till our jobs/lessons are done, so i am gonna stick around for the good karma......sorry u r having all the difficulties...alanon helps me stay within my own circle around my own feet...anything outside i am powerless and cannot do anything about so i give it over..........welcome back...



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3281
Date:

ohno wrote:


It's hard to know how to have a life without family. I am not attending holiday functions with other relatives because of family issues and they drink too much - so I am now alone every day, including holidays.
It's "normal" to have a tribe (family) - and when you don't have one, the question of where you fit in, in life, arises.

I am 65.

It seems like everything I do is simply "to cope."

's just sad.


 Hey ohno, i had to let go most of my family and letting go more b/c of the toxicity...most of my family now is family in my heart....what is family anyway???? it is people who love me as i am , no returns, no changing me...that is family...folks who want the best for me....sadly most of my family of choice is out of state b/c i moved to TX and its hard....so i joined a gym.....i swim...work out.....i get me out there.....and as i get more comfortable being me, its OK if i am alone.....i had a back injury and spent T/Giving all alone, but i was not lonely, i had my dogs, i had ME>.....I just learned to deal with the cards i am dealt on a daily basis....yea, life is not fair...it can be brutal,  i am a couple of years older than you, but i won't give up on me.....i am gonna keep making good karma so when i go home to the happy place i will be light on the baggage......I had a brutal childhood, but i won't let it defeat me......i look for joy, now, wherever and whenever i can latch onto it....alanon taught me how to reach out..take my life in my own hands and if i want something thats doable, i go after it..........you can too.....i really really relate to what u r feeling...been there a lot of times.....it passes.....



__________________

Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate it. I hope I can one day find my serenity again.

Right now I have a pit of anxiety . . . trying to deal with it . . .earlier it was grief, now anxiety (fear about scary stuff around my grandson).

He called me today and was so anxious and down himself. I tried to offer support, but everything I offered was disputed. He is in a bad space.

I did tell him I would pay for a therapist for "x" amount of visits for his OCD/anxiety. I would arrange with them, directly.

I don't want to be too involved and do not want to enable.

He is going to an SLE that the County supposedly pays for for 90 days - then I don't know what happens. I have no idea about food, etc. Of course he has to stay sober! And I know I have no control over that. One of my anxieties has to do with homelessness, especially in the winter. I can't seem to get any peace around that idea. I know I shouldn't be projecting into the future, but the future is just days away, so it's hard not to - and he is in such an unstable state.

I have been praying like crazy (for him and myself and all of my family). He has had much Grace.

Thank you to those who are including us in your prayers.

__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

One of the things my sponsor helps me remember is to "stay in the day" when the fear of the future comes to visit me and simply won't leave.  Today, your grandson is in a safe place, sober and down (which isn't a bad thing - its a good thing for him to feel his feelings) and he also has a SLE to go to if he stays sober.  The only way I can get through fears I have about my son's wellbeing is to remember that he has a HP, I'm not it, and I can't see how I can help him because it isn't my job to do it.  If its any help to you, my son has also been homeless in the winter and doors seem to open for him - just not mine.  It doesn't work.  There is more grace at work in life than not.  I'm glad you recognize it and hopefully can trust that grace to go with your grandson everywhere he goes?  I have also discovered that it helps me to focus on my son's strengths and his resourcefulness rather than his weaknesses.  I can more sincerely say:  "I believe in you and your HP" that way.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 18th of December 2014 11:24:23 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:

Wow - grateful . . . thank you. that really does help me. i just have to let go of my ideas and future projecting. he does have so much Grace - and so many people care about him. and he is resourceful. i am working on the HP thing - having a little problem there - but i am open to discovering more.

one of my issues is taking on the feelings of others - so trying to stay in my lane and not get super down because he's down . . . i do feel i am doing a little bit better . . . just a tad bit better, but i notice it, so that's something.



__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

(((sister)))  Al-Anon helps us with enmeshment, too.  We learn how to separate ourselves from our loved ones and in my experience, that took time.  I have a default called "rescuer" that whirrs around when somebody I care about (and I care about a lot of people) expresses what appears to be something very challenging or not easily remedied.  I have learned to notice its whirring, ask my HP for guidance on what to do, and if nothing comes to me - that's usually the answer.  Do nothing.  Whew!  That has sure made my life easier and less burdensome.



__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:

yes, i still have the rescuing bone, but it is not nearly as present in my life as it once was.

my grandson gave me a bunch of links to read up on his syndrome, which is just up both of our alleys - so i did that - and he felt supported. my education is in psychology so i am also interested in this stuff anyway. where i went awry is taking it a step further and suggesting methods and modalities for dealing with the anxiety - none of which he was open to, which is just mind-boggling to me "you mean you have this symptom and you are suffering, and you don't want a sure-fire remedy?" that is beyond my comprehension, but i have to remember this for future reference.

the trap for me is that he called me and wanted me to know about his suffering but then was not open to any suggestions.

i had just remembered i called my dad once, as an adult, and told him i was suffering and he said something like "i don't know what to tell you" and that was the end of it. i was hurt, but i survived.

one of my problems has been confusing myself as my grandson's HP - not doing that anymore!

it is very confusing because i want to be a loving gma.


__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Ohno You are a loving gma . You listen, you are there . I have found that no one in my family wants to hear the solution to the problems that they bring to me. It appears that they want to share their pain, be a victim ,but do not want to consider the solution

I realize that they just want to vent and share their pain with someone else but are not ready to take constructive actions.
I just listen say I am sorry they are feeling so badly and if they want to try to find a solution I will help . They usually decline and hang up and call in a few days with the same issue.



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:

hotrod . . . how do you handle that? that would make me crazy (or crazier).

maybe i will start asking: "are you just venting, or are you interested in hearing solutions?"

__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

That would and does work my dear :0

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 100
Date:

let's see if i can pull it off.

__________________

"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."

Edgar Allan Poe

 

Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.