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Post Info TOPIC: made changes


Senior Member

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Posts: 290
Date:
made changes


I have been with alcoholic for 7 months, he works in camp for 2 weeks at time and home for a week. I have my own apartment with daughter. The past 7 months has been very unstable due to A binge drinkings during the week he is off work. He even drinks in camp, and has gone through numerous jobs. When he is at home he goes on binges up to 5 days non stop. He does not care if I have appointments/work to attend to. He will keep me up at night. Its been hell on me. I can not stand when he is drunk and talking non stop about nothing important. I was off work and three weeks ago I started back and work has been very stressful. I have had breakdowns in tears at work due to trying to get the job just right (financial administration). I went to my therapist and talked about A and how his drunk behaviors is stressing me out. He said, get out and now. He will not change. Just listening this from a person I trust has made a big change in me. On the weekend, I packed up most of my belongs at his place and took it back to apartment. Yesterday, I had a very stressful day at work and was crying in complete frustration in not being able to process the financial data. I had no sleep the night before because of A keeping me up. I went back to his place after work yesterday and I was beyond disgusted. He was very drunk, drooling on himself and I passed out on couch. It was like a light bulb went off in me, I got so angry, I packed up my belongs, what was left in his house and left. I did not say anything mean to him, I just said I had enough. He wanted to know why I am doing this, and I said I had enough. I still have about 3 or 4 things left behind. I just had to pack as quick as I could and get out. I was livid and so fed up. It was like a fire was lit and I was done. I said to myself, I am stressed at work and need to concentrate, sleep, have no craziness at home and I come back to this drunk, adding more stress to my life, I said NO. I have gone through this many times before, living with a drunk, and I am not going to do it again. I was so reminded of my drunken mother and what I had endured as a child. I left home at 15 years old due to the A and been on my own since. I see now that my anger is my best friend. It makes me act in my best interest. I told my therapist I have had panic attacks and anxiety and he asked what is causing it? I told him of A and he said that is the problem. He says your panic/anxiety attacks is telling you something is not right and its dangerous for your well being. He says if I do not end relationship, really end it, no distancing self and keeping contact with A, nothing will change and I will get worse. He says he has confidence I can totally end relationship as I had done it before (was in serious abusive relationship before and just about killed, and was charged, and still have restraining order in effect) and I could end this. Just remembering what he said, gave me the strength to finally say, no more. I do not care if its Christmas or what, I have had enough. I need to look after me and the hell with him. I am still so angry. I know I am doing the right thing, why do I still feel angry, not sure. I am still processing everything. I had a good sleep last night at my apt and it was calm! I feel so grateful, I had not moved in with him and given up my apartment! I am so angry as the A is so selfish and its all about him, and has no respect or care for me!                    



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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Anger helped you in some ways but it won't be enough. Al-Anon is the help we've suggested to you at one time and I'd like to suggest it again. I don't see you have a new relationship as much as you've been struggling with the same one since childhood - your relationship to the disease and the many ways it is destroying you. Al-Anon can help you live again if you apply its wisdom to yourself and your life. It will help you stop doing the same thing over and over again with the same disease in other people and in you. Maybe with work you will choose differently when you have healed significantly and be able to enjoy a relationship that is healthy for you and for the other person. Without work, you will probably just pick another very sick person and keep hurting yourself. I hope you choose Al-Anon recovery work for yourself.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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Posts: 419
Date:

Reading this today is like reading my own story.I just left a binge drinker,he was abusive and demanding and I lived in constant stress and fear.It helped me to read this as I have been struggling financially lately,but it doesn't compare to the struggles I had while I was with him.I remember being left for 9 days once.It was like I didn't even exist to him and yet I did everything for him,so I understand the anger.You are in the right place and  I agree with your therapist.I changed my phone number,I set a very firm boundary with him and I haven't looked back since.



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Mary



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5075
Date:

Anger was useful for me too for a period of time. The thing about anger is it doesnt last too long, so when it fades, are you likely to go back? Growing up with alcoholism could mean you are affected and have unconsciously  saught out a dysfunctional relationship, where you feel most comfortable and you get that familiar drama buzz,  hence you end up with abusive people and alcoholics. Its unlikely that this pattern can be broken unless you seek out recovery for yourself. Alanon face to face meetings are the place where i get help with deep issues within myself and i feel like ive got a good chance of not entering into that dysfuctional relationship that have been used to. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

I ditto what Grateful shared. I do applaud you for finally reaching a boundary point of saying "this is unacceptable to me" and then honoring your own boundary. Alanon is needed though because the question remains "Why do you choose these types after your history?" I read a lot in your post. It's not all about the A, but you probably did make a very good move and your therapist probably chose to focus on the most dysfunctional thing in your life to tackle first and that was obviously this relationship. As far as crying when not getting things right at work....all that. This is all interconnected and Alanon can help. Being a perfectionist, people pleasing person is typical for Alanoners who have yet to really dig in an work the program and the steps. Point is, it sounds like you could benefit from coping skills the program offers to put a more permanent fix on things. I had a ton of therapy (and I am a therapist), but it was not until I dug into the program that I really changed. Prior to that, it was therapy for repeated drama and patterns that I lived over and over.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 287
Date:

Just read my life story there joker. I'm finding it less intense breaking up second time around. Still sucks but no where near as deep and seemingly unending as the first time. Its been 7 months you say? Go to some meetings and avail yourself of this community. Leaving is a process. Alcoholism is progressive. The crappiest thing about it I've found is that it just gets worse. We say to an a I don't like this, I want more than this, etc etc. But we stay. They degenerate. It just keeps going on and on and on. They may briefly truly feel something but then they're gone again numbed out in a walking dream, maybe imitating life at work until that too is no longer possible. Awfully sad. Step one we are powerless over alcohol. You and I can know everything about what they are doing to themselves but are powerless to change it. Step one continued, our lives have become unmanageable. This for me was breaking down after yet another binge and my body shutting down so completely I couldn't get off the floor for two hours. I sought a doctor asked for medication and then went, what the #$%&, this bum has a drinking problem (bum with a highly paid job I should add) and yet I'm the one needing help?! Some things very bloody wrong with this picture. Meetings online, the twelve steps and this community have been my life ring. They are all free. In support.

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