The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am admitting I still have magical thinking regarding "fixing" my AH. I am worried about him. I can tell he is sleeping a lot...i know by the way he sounds on the phone. I am STILL thinking I can help him feel better. But I've tried for over 10 years to help him. He has to help himself now. why do I think I have some magical words to say that will make him feel better?? Depression is not something I can fix. I have my own emotional issues and I am still worried about him. This constant rain outside isn't helping either. I want to call him and tell him I am worried about him. I am forcing myself not to do that as I write this, because I know he will just say "Why do you care? you threw me away like a piece of garbage!" I can hear him now.
Ok...admitting to you all here that I am feeling like the sick one. I just called him. Caved in to my anxious feelings. It didn't do any good. He rambled on and on defending himself. I told him I was worried and he asked why I would be and he didn't understand why I cared. He's right!!! Why do I care???? I shouldn't. I need to dive into Al anon like never before.
I think it's OK to care, but know what your limits are.
My mom and dad winter in the Everglades every winter, my dad volunteers to do maintenance and radio repair and they get to stay at the park for free. My wife says she worries about them being down there without us, and she worries about the choices they make. But I found out that I can't make my dad change their lifestyle. He takes care of my mom, who has suffered from the effects of a stroke for 15 years now. It's hard on both of them, and I have talked to them about it, but they won't be changing until they are forced to by circumstance. They won't leave their house 0f 40 years until both of them can't go downstairs. They will continue to take their trailer down to FL until I have to drive them down there. I could call them and badger them every day about changing things, but it will just make whatever other conversations we have unpleasant. So I don't badger them.
Sorry, that was kinda rambling, hope you can glean something from it.
Ok...admitting to you all here that I am feeling like the sick one. I just called him. Caved in to my anxious feelings. It didn't do any good. He rambled on and on defending himself. I told him I was worried and he asked why I would be and he didn't understand why I cared. He's right!!! Why do I care???? I shouldn't. I need to dive into Al anon like never before.
Hey NLG, it takes a while to get grooved into a new life, you working alanon, yea, all of us get week moments...so you called him and you got confirmed why it didn't work....maybe you needed to be kinda reminded as to how powerless you are over his problems...if HE cared, HE would be in AA going to 90 meets in 90 days and for a long time after....
and you care b/c you are decent person, who had some time invested in this and its hard to let go, but really as you work your program it will get easier to detach...detaching from a loved one is tough...no doubt,....we hate to lose....we hate to have to give up....but what is the other alternative??? bashing our brains against the wall for one whose addiction and satisfying that addiction comes first.......its sad, but the merciful thing you did for you and for him was to let him go to his own devices...let him fall hard enough, maybe he will get help....either way its not your problem.....you did your best w/the tools you had....now its time for living life for you....Your posts reflect you have a good heart and good mind....life is out there waiting for you to claim it......and yep...alanon diving sounds like a plan................some folks don't admit that...you did....that shows honesty and willingness...U R gonna be OK.....IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I can remember feeling that way about my Dad a few months before he suffered his stroke. He has stopped taking his meds, eating right, going to the doctor, didn't want to stay with me, didn't want to visit anybody else. I knew well the risks he was taking and I also knew there was nothing I could do to force him to take care of himself. All I could do was respect his choice and wait. I did express my concern and my love. I called him often and visited. It didn't stop the stroke from happening. Six years later he died. I couldn't stop that either. Again, all I could do was love him, be there as best I could given the distance between us, pray and wait for an outcome that was simply out of my control. Your AH's health and choices are his and the outcome will be what it will be. That doesn't mean there won't be times when anxiety gets the better of you and you try one more time to get him well or to motivate him to get him well even when you know that won't happen. We're human. It happens.
One thing I remember: "Overfocusing on one thing is a way of underfocusing on something else." When I overfocus on my A, or on something else I can't control, I am often avoiding thinking about my own life and fears and disappointments. I know there's lots I could be doing about my own life that seems too scary to start. I wonder if you have something that is also scary or anxiety-producing, that leads to you overfocusing on your A?
I like what Mattie shared above. Sometimes I escape what I'm supposed to be doing for ME by focusing on my AH and what he should or should not be doing. That doesn't help my recovery at all. I do the same things as you, by the way, but awareness of what you're doing and maybe finding tools on how to change that habit are the best process for you right now?
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Detaching with love acknowledges care without becoming involved with the chaos. For me, trying to control outcomes and forcing an issue kept me "in"- and underneath that was fear. Lately, I've started working a particular fear with the steps, starting with step 1...completing step 4 uncovers and identifies the fear and related anxiety.
Thanks everyone. Once again, I am so happy to get the feedback I get here. I find that I'm doing the same thing I did when my first marriage was ending. I made sure I tried everything before I had a very clear picture that it was over. I guess I am still trying to make sure I am done. Sounds crazy I guess.
Mattie, I agree. I am struggling with losing my home. I feel anxious at work sometimes. There's a lot of stuff changing in my life. Going through big changes isn't easy for me. I will focus more on me...not him. Calling him made my evening worse. I tried to sincerely express my concern for him, but he just went on and on about the mean things I've said to him. I guess he forgets how awful he has been. It's just too exhausting for me to deal with him. I think the brick wall has millions of dents in it now from my thick skull. Ha ha
My divorce is probably easier because my ah has no remorse
And keeps pushing for a divorce. No black and white, he also
Has a gf that he lives with and at his mothers. So the situation
Is pretty straight forward. We are haggling over the financials.
I still live at the house, He is in and out when i am not here.
I have done everything in my power for the Last 12 years to
make my marriage work again. No luck, he Blamed me for his
problems and unhappiness. Even him going to AA caused more
Problems than we already had, he was pointing the finger at me.
He started getting very abusive toward me at that time, He could
not deal with his own emotional demons. Maybe he will grow up
And act like an adult emotionally one day but i think its the
Progression of his disease. He has been dry for 30 years so
Its very hard to accept and face he is still an alcoholic.
It's a fight to hold on and a fight to let go... None of this is easy. Sometimes, I feel like the "right" thing to do goes against everything as I've understood it. I'd rather try to change my AH than to try to change myself. He's the one with all of the problems. I still struggle with this notion. I think it's ok to care as long as it doesn't have unhealthy effects on your serenity. I know I feel more comfortable being on the side that cared too much as opposed to the one who cared too little. Wishing you strength.
I still fall into the trap regularly of thinking I have just the right magic words to fix everything and turn A into a healthy happy person who lives life the way I think he should. It took me 38 years to become utterly codependent and convinced I have the power to fix everyone, so, I try to forgive myself for these "lapses". I am sure there will be plenty more of them! Be kind to yourself, it's growth in itself that you can see your dodgy thinking and share it here and try to learn from it! Good on you! Hugs to you
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 17th of December 2014 08:01:00 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I have some of the same feelings you do even though I am well aware of how my mental well being is in relation to my situation we still live together. I have been good about allowing him to take care of himself and any issues he may be having but every so often I get in there and want to fix him. I am tired, sad and emotionally drained and have a lot of anxiety which I know some comes from the situation with him. I seem to go through periods where I'm able to detach and I'm fine and times when I can't seem to get that part right. My ABF who is dry right now but not in any program has depression, anxiety and anger issues and likes to remind me he thinks it's because of me and our relationship and that's when it gets hard for me. Sometimes I'm able to brush it off and others I can't. I just keep trying to do the right thing and listen but not try to fix he has to be responsible for himself I have enough responsibility with my 2 young children. It is exhausting but when I make the wrong choice I remind myself I need to take care of me and hopefully make the right one the next time. Keep trying it's about progress not perfection.
Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
I spent so much of my life in relationships pining away and being unhappy with the way other people treated me and how they should change and be more affectionate, more responsible...have better work ethic...etc. I suffered in relationships rather than ending them when the red flags were there. I know I changed through the program, but am also just thanking God that I finally found a partner I don't want to change anything about. What a concept. Relationships never needed to be so heart wrenching.
Pink, my mom said the same thing a few years ago when I was starting to struggle with my AH's alcoholism. She said, "Marriage is tough, but it shouldn't be THAT much work, Bon, and it doesn't have to be."
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I think its good awareness to have. Knowing and seeing our own sick thinking is half way there. Their drug is alcohol and our drug becomes them. Obsessive thinking about them and worrying about them and usually at the expense of ourselves. An old timer told me to mind my own business when it comes to the drinkers in my life. Its good sound advice, hard at times but makes life easier and happier.
I spent so much of my life in relationships pining away and being unhappy with the way other people treated me and how they should change and be more affectionate, more responsible...have better work ethic...etc. I suffered in relationships rather than ending them when the red flags were there. I know I changed through the program, but am also just thanking God that I finally found a partner I don't want to change anything about. What a concept. Relationships never needed to be so heart wrenching.
oh this was me, omg....pining away about how i was treated and how they should change, bla bla bla.....now i see red flags, yea, i can be slow, but i do see the flags, anyway, and i do set boundaries, and of late i have been challenged by this in my closest circle, and i see that detachment, keeping distance is the only healthy way to take care of me....when i had my back injury and was crying, laid up, unable to do the simplest of tasks, i found out who really gives a S*** and who does not.....yea, its ok, i would rather know the truth then live in denial.......now i can even distance where i am "there" , sorta, kind, humane to them, but i put distance....when i need someone i go where the love is....when i am needed, i am more selective....not being cruel, i only have SO much of me that i can share.....b/c now, i give/do from my heart, i am more selective....i have to be or burn out.......i cleaned out more of my facebook and i have trimmed down my life circle...yea, its smaller, but it is healthier...some folks i do care about but can't let em get too close, so i have them in outer circles.....the circle close to my heart, the smallest one that touches my shirt has only the proven, healthy, loyal loved ones on it and the circles go out from there as the relationship become more distant...
this was NOT a "back at ya" to them....NOOOOO!!! it was a "heres to ya" for me....putting myself as my priority and keeping the focus on me MEANS, keeping aware of what/who is healthy, what/who is not and doing the right thing by me.....
just my take..what i am doing....it works for me, so ya'll take what works and leave the rest.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you again friends. I appreciate it. Elcee, I am getting there slowly but surely...acknowledging my warped thinking and still trying to magically fix him and make him feel better! PC , it would be so miraculous to have a relationship with a man that didn't need to change something...lol. I know nobody is prefect, but I don't expect perfection. I don't know if any man could meet my expectations now, though. I've raised the bar. Ha ha. The bar. How ironic. It's hard for me to completely let go of him, the house, the dog, etc. I worry about his dog like she's a kid. He got her against my wishes, and I resented her for a long time. But she is finally house trained, but living with a lazy A who doesn't exercise her like he should. When my older kids come home for Christmas, they will want to walk her and I know he will be an ass about it. It's all insanity really...but I ignored those red flags in the beginning. So, today I am leaving on my trip...won't be online much. It will be good to get away. Thanks to all of you for setting me straight.
Enjoy the break from the drama and your experience of fun with your daughters. Please check to see if Minnie Mouse's ankles are as skinny as they appear in cartoons while there and let me know?
Ha ha grateful. So funny. I'm hoping there won't be a million people there. We will have fun. Expensive fun! But that's ok I worked my butt off to make money to go. We deserve it. Yay!
