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Post Info TOPIC: The divorce...


Senior Member

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The divorce...


Well, yesterday we signed a settlement agreement and I will be able to file divorce papers later this week (uncontested divorce--I did ALL the paperwork myself). I am feeling so many mixed emotions--it is not easy to describe. 

The hardest part of this has been feeling the AH's anger towards me. I feel like I have worked so hard at being forgiving and at being pleasant to him. He is making out like a bandit financially--it is insane that he feels entitled to anything after the hell he has put me through. I know he is (probably) doing the best he can with the tools he has. I don't know what he could say that would make me feel better really--but he hates me...maybe most of it is self-hate, I don't know. I CLUNG to fixing this marriage for years and years and years...he just doesn't see it that way. I am the one abandoning him after he chose alcohol over me and his kids over and over and over.

I just want to let it go...Al-Anon has given me the tools to take care of myself, to see my AH in a different way, and to be gentle on us both.

I am just praying now that this all goes through with the courts and that somehow we survive Christmas with our two little angels. They deserve to be happy. Thanks for listening.



-- Edited by sookie on Tuesday 16th of December 2014 10:55:43 AM

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Just for Today...


~*Service Worker*~

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My thoughts are with you and this painful time.

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Member

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Hoping you have a joyous Holiday wit your children.

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~*Service Worker*~

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It's difficult, I know. I have divorce papers waiting to have them served to my AH. He has been sitting in our home rent free since June. The house will foreclose soon. He got fired in March. He gets unemployment and tells me I am mean. It's insanity. I feel your pain. I am trying really hard to focus on myself.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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Most A's don't like to fail, and they do not like to lose.  He also cannot face he played any part of this marriage ending.

It is not you, not personal really. He is very sick remember.

I am so sad for you, it is so hard to lose that dream. You gave it your all, I hope you find serenity in that.

Now things will be better,calmer, cleaner.

hugs honey! Oh btw good for you for doing it yourself!!!!  sookie



-- Edited by Debilyn on Tuesday 16th of December 2014 01:54:59 PM

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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Senior Member

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Thanks--I just keep trying to focus on facts and letting go of the GUILT. I know this will be one of the hardest things I ever go through. Glad to be able to come here for some support!

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Just for Today...


~*Service Worker*~

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I'm sorry, Sookie! I struggle with guilt so much myself. Honestly, my last appointment with my therapist was about just that: trying not to take on AH's depression and sadness as my responsibility. I have chosen recovery, I have chosen to get better and not stay bitter, as have you. Stand strong knowing that you are taking care of you and that your AH is now in the capable hands of his HP. You are not responsible for his happiness, his anger, his struggles, his alcoholism, nor his general demeanor. You are loved here by us and you are loved by your Higher Power. Sending gentle hugs your way today!

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~*Service Worker*~

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sookie wrote:

Thanks--I just keep trying to focus on facts and letting go of the GUILT. I know this will be one of the hardest things I ever go through. Glad to be able to come here for some support!


 hey sookie, its tough, giving up the dream, having to toss in the towel, but like a card game, sometimes we just gotta fold em and leave....you did your best, but one cannot pull a two oxen plow...it just does not work......good on you doing it all yourself....and i can relate...we codas ride the guilt train ea. time we take care of ourselves, like we dont' deserve to be happy and free??? i am slowly shaking off that, i can take care of me now w/minimal guilt......IN SUPPPORT



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~*Service Worker*~

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It is a difficult road that we travel sookie. It is obvious that you have used your program tools wisely as I hear such recovery in your share. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and know that HP will give you the courage,serenity and wisdom to keeep showing up
I am praying that you and your" little angels" have a successful Holiday Season.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
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~*Service Worker*~

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Great awareness and I can relate to the things that bubble up. Trying to make sense of insanity never worked well for me- it just kept me engaged. My active exAH will do what he wants regardless of what I do- I could be sweet and loving and it will not elicit a return response of that nature. My exAH will choose to see things however it suits his rationalizations and from my observations, it will play out where he's the "good guy" being "victimized". I've come to learn they're steeped in self-loathing it's not possible for them to feel love for anyone else. Part of the insanity is having expectations of something that falls under the umbrella of normal from someone who is not accommodating that- and it's not personal. I identify with not liking the anger thing- a well worn path from childhood that is a work in progress and a good prompt for me to give it a step 4. Sending prayers for peace and serenity.

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Senior Member

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Thank you all so much. Today I will submit the paperwork and ask that they please do not deliver anything until after Christmas (although there is always the chance of a delay because I made a mistake in the 65 pages of legal paperwork I had to fill out) Honestly--reading these responses is a huge help and makes me feel better. I know I have tried--he made choices along the way that destroyed trust and to some extent, love. I deserve better.

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~*Service Worker*~

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When I filed for divorce there was a lot of guilt, but in time it diminished and now I feel none 4 years later. It took him years to realize he screwed up and admit it. I deserve better and am living better now. You deserve the best and happiness too. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

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~*Service Worker*~

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Healthy guilt tells us when we've done something wrong and is an invitation to make an amends, a correction, a change. Once we've made the amends, the correction or the change - guilt has done its job and we no longer need to pay attention to it.

Unhealthy guilt tells us we're always wrong - even when we are doing what our HP is leading us to do. That type of guilt is of no use to us and can be put into a God box or written on paper and burned up.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Veteran Member

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Sookie thank you for your post I have been living with guilt for way too long, I have not left my AB but it has been a consideration for a long time.  I feel guilty and obligated to stay because over the past 6 years he's lost his whole immediate family to cancer, he is depressed, angry and an emotional mess he currently doesn't drink (4 years now) but doesn't attend AA either so the behaviors are still there. He does see a licensed drug and alcohol therapist but I really don't know if it is helping.  He blames me for his feelings and other things and after reading all of these replies especially Andromeda's I feel better about MY feelings!  I wish you and your children a very Merry Christmas!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Sookie-

I can relate to your post; when I decided to go through with divorce my Ex let me know he thought I was a quitter, abandoning the marriage, driving a 22 yr marriage off a cliff, etc.  From what I have learned through the program these types of rationalizations are common with As.  it helped me to remember that it was the disease doing the talking.

 

Wishing you a lot of strength and support through the holidays and beyond

Mary

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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This was huge for me also. Right before I ended the relationship with my ex-A, he had a rather large mental breakdown and I even had him put in the mental hospital a bit when he made a suicide attempt (a weak one but still an attempt). It got to be entirely too much. I have had my own issues with depression most of my life and I somehow keep working, go to the therapy, keep my head up, and now I stay in recovery.

Anyhow, my ex definitely saw that I was leaving him at his "lowest point." I chose to see it as I was leaving him at MY lowest point with him. It was horrible. But alas, the alcoholic will not recognize that it might be YOUR lowest point as they are only focused on themselves and their world. I seriously felt that I was going to die (like internally...my soul was getting smashed and ripped apart if that makes sense) and I needed to go, so I did. I thought he might kill himself or die. In the end, not my problem and I got to the point where I was detached enough to basically be like "that would be horrible but not my fault if he really offs himself or dies."

I had enough of my own issues to get started working on. In the time with my ex-A, I stifled my own growth in all areas. My physical health sucked, my job progress had halted, I stopped chasing any dreams, and my spirituality had tanked. So...related to Elcee's share about looking out for yourself (self-care)...I absolutely HAD to start doing that because I was just getting worse and worse and was gonna sink with him if I didn't. I also needed to get away just to find out what issues really were mine vs. his after hearing for so long that I "couldn't do" this or that and that I would never be able to....x, y, or z. Those turned out to all be hostage taking tactics he was using to keep me rooked in.

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