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Post Info TOPIC: grief


Senior Member

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grief


Hate crying. Just hate it. Was told years ago that grief is sometimes mourning for the loss of an ideal. Its really very late here but I can't sleep yet. I'll pay for that tomorrow. All alone in a big city the week before xmas its my babies first Christmas our first with three kids. And were going to be alone. Loads of happy families wondering around. I feel like an outcast. I'm just grieving everything at the moment lots of random things. Nothing was as I thought it would be. I had such dreams and hopes and plans... for what? To be abandoned with kids, no ring to throw in the ocean. I'll make a gratitude and assets list later today. I've made some wonderful friends here. Found mentors. Just for today were not homeless or hungry or cold. We are safe. We are loved. We have each other. I'm exhausted. Crying sucks! Good night family. Somewhere I know is the seed of new and wonderful.

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I have lived a good chunk of my life hating to cry, also.  I did not like the vulnerability and weakness I erroneously believed it to be.  Then, a wise mentor of mine shifted my perspective when she told me we are closer to God when we cry.  I have adopted that perspective and the tears flow more easily....still not easy, yet easier.  I am much more apt to cry for others.  I do know we need to grieve.  I hear your pain and loneliness and I hear your hope and renewal.  They can co exist simultaneously.  When we let them coexist, one does not get shoved into the shadow to fester.  We are here 24/7 and embrace you wherever you are in your body, mind, spirit and soul.  And as I was typing this, my kitchen lights flickered telling me that is  truthsmile  Have a peaceful sleep.



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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My thoughts are so with you.
This time of year is so hard when we had big dreams of family and are having to let them go at least for the moment.
But I do recall that in the lead up to Christmas A was always very jolly about impending holiday time and we looked outwardly like a happy family going for walks in the evening to look at Christmas lights etc. By Christmas eve he was always vile and drunk and Christmas morning was spent in tears for me anyway dealing with a big drunk nasty nightmare that didn't go away until a few days after new years. It was an illusion. It's probably that way for at least some of the "happy families" you see wandering about too...at least right now you are dealing with reality and not the denial that goes with the "good times" we cling on to with an out of control A. So you aren't building up to a train-wreck and disappointment. There is a lot to be said for living in truth, I know that's pretty crappy consolation but it's true all the same.
Hugs.




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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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(((aquamom))) You've been through a lot and are still going through so much. I have been and still am so inspired by your sense of humor, your strength of character, your courage in separating you and your children from an out of control man, and your faith. It's such a healthy thing to feel your feelings, to weep, to ask for support and care through your share. I admire that, too. I do hope you were able to rest some.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I'm feeling for you this morning. I know the feelings of loneliness, crying and that lost fear that my world was falling apart. I will be thinking about you today that you find some warm, loving acceptance that the new year will bring you new hope and happiness.

((((( hugs ))))

You are not alone my friend.....


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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 


~*Service Worker*~

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Its okay to cry,mourn and grieve. You will be doing it for awhile.
It is a long painful journey especially if there has been abuse it just adds
To your level of anxiety, hurt and pain at the hands of someone that
vowed to love, honor and cherish you. www.divorcecare.org also
Helped Me tremedously. They are a ftf international support Group.

I was someone that did not openly share my feelings. Alanon certainly
Opened those doors for me. Exploring and learning and moving thru
The pain. Its a wonderful journey but very painful one. Be gentle with
Yourself, one foot in front of the other, the next best thing. Thats all
You can do, do the best you can with what you have to work with.
Your HP will lead the way for you, turn your will over to God. That was
A very tough thing for me to do, it took me a long time to be willing.
Now i just follow behind and do my part.

Stay safe from your ah do what is best for you and your children. Hand
Your ah over to God to take care of there is nothing you can do for him.
Try to have a happy holiday as best as you can with your lovely children.


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Senior Member

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"Hand Your ah over to God to take care of there is nothing you can do for him" - these are very, very wise words - while I thought that I was OK with Step 1, in reality it took me so long to really put Step 1 into practice and not only recognize my powerlessness but actually accept it, and then Let Go and Let God. In my situation, it's my adult son, but rising to my challenge is similar to yours - and while I thought that I had been through hell and back several times throughout my life, at 64, this challenge was by far the hardest I've ever had to face.

But I'm getting better.

I try and deal with it by praying constantly for God to show my son a better path and give him the strength to take it - I finally realized that I have no idea what "a better path" is for my son, because when God answered my prayers 11 years ago and removed the crystal meth from my son while he was in rehab, I thought that'd be the end of his problems - but without working a program, my son is still stumbling through life. For me, it was just another teaching on this journey that what we think is best is often not the solution we think it'll be.

I go to a lot of Al Anon meetings with different groups - and I ask God (constantly) to give me the strength to stay out of His way while He's working in my son's life - I have found no other way to survive, emotionally, than have to have faith that God is working in my son's life - I've never been good with faith issues, but in this case, I have no other choice - having been beaten into submission by this disease, what else could I do but have faith?

I cry from time to time, and for me that's almost like a pressure relief valve on a pressure cooker - sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge, and a good cry helps.

And I stay busy - I seek out far more than my share of the household chores, I read a lot of fiction because that world is better than the stuff that comes into my head when I have idle time on my hands - I exercise a lot - I'm not sure, maybe it's the endorphins that help me feel better, but when I'm exercising, my mind doesn't seem able to make up stories about how bad my son's life is or how bad it's gonna be.

Stay strong - and keep taking care of yourself and working your program.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I understand your pain. I've been feeling the same way. You aren't alone. I like what MissMeliss said...basically we don't really know what's going on behind closed doors with all those "normal families" walking around appearing healthy.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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It is hard, I understand. No use fighting it, embrace it, feel it and allow yourself to heal.

Loss is the worst. It takes walking thru it to get to the serenity.

I don't do holidays but thinking back when i did, my husband had died. I was living with someone who was trying to take care of us, though it was the other way around. he left.

great here I am on this mountain with two little kids and a huge dog. So Iwent out and cut two weird trees and put them together. We strung popcorn and cranberries. Our Great dane Annie Blue kept eating the popcorn. We made our own memories. My heart was still torn in half. I know how you feel. sorta just pushed me ahead a step at a time.

As you go along, new memories will form. Also nothing is familiar right now. That takes time. That is what settling in is. things around you become normal.

I hope you find some softness to help you. Feel the love from the kids. Also I don't know what is available there or if you are in a church, but giving is a HUGE way to feel better. To go sit where people are eating at a soup kitchen with the kids. Some of those people never get to talk to anyone. Or some other organization may need some people around. I used to go sit in a dogs kennel at the shelter to just be with it. put in abunch of blankets and read to the kids.

I got creative. Kids and I did all kinds of things, fed ducks, went to fish hatcheries, fed the seagulls at the beach. took lots of day trips to different places. or we built forts in the house. made play dough, played with the ferrets....

Its ok to feel crummy and rest too! Kids love to be read to, watch a funny movie. make popcorn.

think about what you want for your family.

hugs honey, wish i could bring you some tea and watch the kiddos for you!

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

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It is very difficult AM It is really important to cry and share and feel the pain. That way it lifts faster. I am glad you and the children are safe and beleive me HP has a better deam for you. ODAT keep moving forward



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Senior Member

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Thank you all. Honestly. I let them fall it hits at different times. I do feel more real somehow now though. Like a cloud is gone. And I have energy again. Perhaps it because when a selfish arrogant ignorant unintelligent insensitive mentally cruel uncaring idiot moves out of your living space it leaves room forone to feel the appreciation I have for myself, creative, zany, mischievous, intelligent with wild hair that's not meant to be flat ironed. Yep. This is my process. I'm owning it.

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~*Service Worker*~

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smile Aquamom I like your process,especially as it reveals your powerful assets.   Love how you are validating yourself and as so glad to be sharing the journey.  



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs, Aquamom! I understand. You are growing and learning more about yourself. Love how you are sharing here and opening up and being honest. Honesty is always a great first step! HUGS!

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
bud


~*Service Worker*~

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((Aquamom)) I relate. There can be so many layers to grief and you're making your way through the process. It's a stressful time of year for many people- because of hopes and expectations- I have come to enjoy the holiday season from a soft quiet beauty and being sure to practice HALT. Sending prayers

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Senior Member

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When the three babies are asleep it seems to especially happen. Its hard to describe. Its not the a I cry for. Its me. Really I've been doing this alone the whole time. I'm a single mother again. Theres no one to hold my hand but the kicker is there never was. So why then is this such a big deal emotionally. I think I just need to get real. I'm very tempted to suck it up and count only my blessings. Feels nicer that way. And yet...I never truly grieved earlier losses. I buried them alive and it made me sick enough to marry someone whose pain could distract from my own. Leads to more pain. Feeling anxious about court in the morning. I don't absolutely have to go. It would be practical for me, but I really don't want to see him. See how I feel in the morning. Now to go clean up after three little people.

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~*Service Worker*~

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The grieving process takes time. My ah has been gone for 5 months
And i still cry. There is a lot of healing going on inside of you. You face
Yourself and spouse, and your past. Think of it as cleansing of your soul,
Mind And body for a better life. I too was getting abused emotionally and
Verbally not physically for the last three years because of dry ah problems.

Keep reaching out to good and healthy people, embrace your HP. Stay away
from negative or Bad people they will not help you on your new journey.
My thoughts are with you!

((((Hugs)))))


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bud


~*Service Worker*~

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Aquamom, I have come to learn that stuffing my feelings sprouted other unwanted things. Also, that grief is equal opportunity whether for ourselves or for someone else. This is a horrible and dreadful disease that imparts insanity- things don't feel good when we listen to it's voice or when we realize the magnitude. Please be gentle with you and, as hard as it is, forgive yourself and let the feelings wash over you and pass- it seems to be a necessary step in processing a more durable serenity. Your MIP family is here for you - you're not alone.

The last time I was in court with my exAH, I chose to not look at him or his AW. It made me feel more impervious to his hooks of engagement. In hindsight, I'm glad I took care of myself. I had the serenity and other prayers for my focus and some deep breathing for letting the stress go. My lawyer asked me afterwards, "Did you SEE him!!!!????" No, I did not. She could not believe that I didn't look. I missed the "show" and am better off for not having the visual. That is what worked for me.

Wishing you the best with whatever your decision is regarding court today. Sending prayers.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Continued Prayers Aquamom.  When I stopped using my tools of denial and pretend I too discoverd that I had been a single mom for all those years.

  Love what Bud just shared and I agree completely. Please let us know how it goes.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Member

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Newlife girl wrote:

I understand your pain. I've been feeling the same way. You aren't alone. I like what MissMeliss said...basically we don't really know what's going on behind closed doors with all those "normal families" walking around appearing healthy.


 In my experience, it's the "normal families" who have the most problems, because they aren't dealing with them. I got duped when I met my AHs family. Acknowledgement is huge and the only way to make progress-even if it hurts. Hope you find peace today. 



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Senior Member

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Posts: 287
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Bud that is really good advice. If I don't want to see, I don't have to look. I like it because its simple and its truthful. I will add it to the list of things I say to myself when its time to decide. Thank you my friend. I think its court itself that may be scaring me. It represents injustice, fear, and heartbreak to me. On the other hand as I was revisiting those memories I came to truly feel and know that I am no longer that young, terrified , anxious, naĆÆve girl. I am content in my skin and I know what I know. I only have to go in there to pick up a folder and sign a form. However I'll have the kids. And tomorrow is also their first ever Christmas party so of course they start coming down with colds tonight. I am still hoping they will be well enough to go because I want to dress them up and see what they think of Santa! We will see I guess. I know I'll be revisiting this thread many times in the months to come.

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You are a great role model for your kiddos, AM.  They will absorb your courage, steadfastness, loyalty and love.  And that is the short list of assetssmile  Take us with you today!

 



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Paula



Member

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"Grief never ends....but it changes. It's a passage and not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith....It is a sign of love." -unknown

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