I don't know why folks don't return your texts or calls, Andromeda, and if you asked them the reason for it, most probably wouldn't give you a totally direct answer because they may not even know the full reasons they haven't returned your calls? I hate the e-mail and text method of communication frankly, but even my daughter and grandson who live 20 minutes away from my home use that method of communicating and don't always respond to what I send them. Part of that is that my daughter is exhausted when she gets home from work and doesn't have the energy to talk with me or her friends to the degree she used to be able to. My grandson lives on xbox and his smartphone. My friends who are still employed - pretty much the same thing. They're so drug out by the time they get home from work, they just want to eat and unwind. My retired friends are often out of town for weeks or months at a time. And, I don't give my phone # out for program calls because its unlisted and I want to limit its exposure. I do think times have changed a lot for people and the ways they interact with others is different than it was once upon a time.

I do contact folks once. If they don't return the call or the e-mail - unless its really something that has to be addressed - I just do what is suggested in Al-Anon when we're making a program call. I just go on and contact somebody else when possible. It works for me. Most folks do return my call or e-mail although it might take a couple of days to do it or weeks if they've gone out of town but now they are more inclined to get together for lunch, supper or a movie than to talk on the phone or to schedule bi-monthly or monthly get togethers.

I think it can be the same here. When people dont respond to you, I know for me ive taken it personally. Im not saying its correct but it does happen from time to time. Maybe the reasons why we dont respond to every post is true for others in life who dont respond. I knkw when I dont respond its due to the fact that im unsure what to say. Could it be your friends feel awkward due to your situation with your ex? It sounds harsh but I know it was true for me at one point, the going got tough and lots of my friends didnt have a clue how to deal with it so avoided me to some extent. It could be your expectations are too high. If you give people 24 hours, maybe its not enough time. Ive got flaky friends too and ive recently decided to fill my 24 hours with my own good stuff and if others come into that 24 hours then good but if not I dont care. 

I am with you on this one, and it is confusing to me.  Generally, unless the relationship is one where there has been an established pattern of infrequent responses ( like letter writing), I respond within 24 hours.  Non response used to irk me in my job because it held me up in my job.  In my personal life, if a response is not given, especially, when I am in a tender place, I assess the quality of that friendship.  There have been times I have talked to the person.  I usually know after talking with them what to expect from them, if and when I reach out again.  Letting them go, is difficult; I apply the bread store analogy, then.  I am a heart person, so I feel left out easily.  It was tough for me growing up being left out of those groups that were formed and I would hurt for the kids being left out.  So, not being responded to, esp when I am hurting is a trigger for me.  And this is why I always respond immediately to a friend that reaches out.  I have done a lot of work on not taking things personally.  I have also found that since I have been hanging out more with my art supplies, I don't really care so much.  I get lost in things I love and can more easily let people do what they do.

Thank you all for the feedback. Honestly, I understand the program tools and I do call the next person on my list if someone doesn't respond right away or answer the phone. I'm actually talking mostly about a few non-program friends whom I have known for 10 plus years. People who you do lunch with every 6 months or so, people who know your kids names and you know theirs, people whom you have shared interests and even some fun times with. I do have a handful of program friends where we are friends outside of the rooms and we have a group of us who go hiking together, do parties and dinners together, etc. and I do consider them my friends outside of Al Anon speak, if that makes sense. In other words, I have a few program friends whom I talk to as 'friends' and not always about program issues, etc.

Here's the story: I have a friend, we share a birthday. We usually go out together for our birthday to celebrate once each year. Other than that, we talk on the phone every few months so really we've become more like acquaintances based on our amount of communication. I ran into her at her part time job one day and she was distressed because it was her last day and she told me she needed heart surgery, too. I knew that about her already but didn't know the surgery needed to be scheduled. Anyway, I called her 2 weeks later to see how she was doing. No response. She posted on FB that she got a full time job in a mortgage department for a large company here and that she was excited. I sent her a Facebook message asking her if she got my voicemail and telling her congrats on the new job. Nothing. I then texted her another week later and she said she had gotten all the messages and that she would call me the following week, been busy, etc. She never called.

So, this is what I'm talking about. I feel like I harassed her over a period of a month only to never get a response. I know she's busy, but I've never known her to be flaky. I wonder if people see me as this needy freaky friend who is constantly trying to reach out to them when they're super busy. And, now I wonder if I should even try reaching out to her or is she going to have me arrested for stalking her, LOL, even though it's been a month since my last message to her! I am really good at getting back to people and I think that's just the way I was raised but it drives me crazy that people are so busy that they can't send a text back which probably would take 10 seconds.

I know, I know....expectations. But, at some point I think expectations are important. We expect others to drive with care and to obey stop lights, and for the most part people do, right? We expect people to walk around wearing clothing and they do, right? So, why can't I expect common courtesy from people? I think that's where I get frustrated over the word 'expectations', especially when I'm not talking about an alcoholic or addict.

if I don't have the time to get back to someone, I call them or text them this, "I'm sorry, but I'm having a crazy busy week. Is there a good day next week when we can chat/do lunch/meet for coffee/whatever?"

I stop reaching, too.  It does hurt, yet, I let go.  For whatever reason, it sounds like your friend isn't available right now.  Expectations are not black and white for me, either, actually nothing is ever that way for me.  Sometimes I don't have the answers and I don't need to....I have a "manager" of the things I don't know  I am your friend, Andromeda.

Oh, by the way, I will be your friend and respond here!! How's that?? We are similar in this situation. :)

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 16th of December 2014 12:02:57 PM

Dear one, as far as driving, I drive defencivly. spelled wrong....I don't expect people to follow laws etc. That is why there are so many accidents.

Cloths? watching fb there are people rollerblading around in their underwear, etc. Nothing people do or don't do surprises me.

YES if it is someone I care for lots, I will tell them I would love it if they would get back to me etc etc. It is up to them if they fall into the same pattern.

I guess I choose not to have resentments, or be hurt when someone does not show up, or when someone runs a light.

I suppose for me a lot is forgiveness. No one is perfect, this world is so full of stress.

My neighbor friend has been living with cancer. I left her some pink cyclamens on her front flower area. I knew she would like them. she is like a pink girl, an angel to me. I saw a car parked by  my property. drove up and it was her! I was sooooo happy she was driving. she knew they were from me, who else would leave them in an old cool  whip container! lol I didn't want it to leak onher outside table. I love her so much, we gabbed some. I would have never expected a word. I did it becuz I wanted to. she owed me nothing.

She is the one who called me when her old dog ginger was lost. I prayed and got more info and walked right to where ginger was laying. she was ok, just 14 and could not get up!

Now as far as your sponsor yes I agree they are commited to get back to you. If they don't, find out why if it is not a good reason and they do it again, time for a new one.

It was thru Al Anon I learned and like this behavior. I loved my A. When he had the surgery, he relapsed and I lost all of what we had. Yes I could depend on him every time, every time. Now never, was so so painful.

I learned it was better not to expect anything from humans.

then a man pursued me hard. Took him a long time but I agreed to trust him, depend on him, expect him to keep his word. Guess what? He didn't and it almost killed me. I still have to stop myself from contacting him. I told him to leave me alone. MIP friends and my face to face loved ones got me thru it.

For me, you can depend on me, expect I will do what I say. If I can't I call. It is part of my nature.

Also in my experience and my beliefs it says people will lose more and more natural affection. Also look how so many don't care anymore. your phone service, trying to fix a mistake from an insurance co. whatever, no one cares anymore. so they don't call back if you have pointed it out   and they don't call back I mean, they do not care.

I don't want that in my life. Even now my son is so busy he has not called or anything. so apparently I am not a priority right now. he cares, he loves me.  I have learned to know it is not ME.

If it is the Elders of my Kingdom hall, you bet I expect that or used to. But guess what once I was so down and depressed, almost wanted to end it. I asked one if they would talk to me. He says, can  you find someone else I am helping the overseer find a place to stay and blah blah. I have never asked since and this was a very gravious sin for him. I prayed to God if he would to forgive him.He never apologized even after another elder spoke with him.

again as I think about this, for me it is about forgiveness for humans.

Now my animals, I can depend on them, sometimes ever expect from them.

I know I think differently, that is ok. I love reading how others think. Too much pain, I won't set myself up anymore.

GREAT thread and Great responses.