The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today is not going well emotionally for me. I am asking for online hugs. I find myself mourning the end of my first marriage. when my first husband left me for another woman, I surely thought I would die. Along came AH to the rescue 7 months later! Obviously, I was on the rebound and this marriage didn't work either. So, sometimes I find myself blaming my first husband for everything. I know I had choices in life that I made. Guess I am feeling lonely and sorry for myself. Feeling sad because I dont have a "traditional" family...never really had one except when I was a child living with my parents.
The feelings of loneliness I get are so hard to deal with. I have the urge to hug AH and forget everything...just longing for human touch and wanting to feel loved. I know my HP loves me. I will try harder to focus on the good things. I had to post, because I am in a really dark place right now. I have been crying most of the day. :(
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 14th of December 2014 04:46:51 PM
(((NLG))). I am glad you brought your feelings here where they are honored and accepted. Grieving may be what you need to do, for now, even though it is hard. This too shall pass. Take good care of you, maybe gift yourself in some way?
Many of us don't have traditional families - in fact I think "traditional" families are in the minority. Of course when you look around, if you are tender about the subject, you seem to see them everywhere. But most of us are out here just trying to make good lives in whatever shape seems best. Not saying that it is not wonderful to have someone you can trust and love and get support from. Someone like that may be in store for you - and you are on your way because you have awareness and you are leaving the unhealthy people in the dust. But there is also your HP and your family of friends and your self, who is always there for you. Those are great resources that no partner can replace. I hope you'll take good care of yourself today.
My counselor in my first divorce to the addict told me something profound which helped me understand a great deal. He told me that I was grieving hard because the love I had invested was not returned and I knew that was exactly what was happening. My counselor in my divorce and after with my alcoholic/addict asked me a question which was directly attached to the first, "How do you suppose it is like to be loved by you"? and I cried like a baby because again I loved I thought with everything I had and I wasn't loved that way in return. Grieving about love not returned sucks and then again learning how to love my self as I have loved others heals the problem so very well. When I am looking for or expecting a return and it doesn't come how do I stand then? Am I able to stand tall and be okay in spite of it?. Later on I was with a friend who told me that a friend at work who was separated from her husband took a call from him and he wanted to come home and be reunited while she wasn't yet so comfortable with it. My friend listened to her response to her husband which was "I love you and...I like having you here and...I don't need you". That was a huge and powerful lesson for me and I learned the difference between loving and needing. My self esteem and self confidence and self love today are healthy...very. Today I love myself and I can answer that question my second counselor asked me with, "it feels great".
(((NLG))) I do understand the pain and grief Steps 4 through 11 helped me face the sadness, grief and regrets from the past and gave me the tools to forgive myself and others so as to move into the moment and live with courage, serenity and wisdom.
I love the Sanskrit poem that reminds us to look to this day
Yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow only a vision but today well lived will let every yesterday be a dream of happiness and every tomorrow be a vision of hope . Look well to this day
Feeling sad because I dont have a "traditional" family...never really had one except when I was a child living with my parents.
The feelings of loneliness I get are so hard to deal with. I have the urge to hug AH and forget everything...just longing for human touch and wanting to feel loved. I know my HP loves me. I will try harder to focus on the good things. I had to post, because I am in a really dark place right now. I have been crying most of the day. :(
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Sunday 14th of December 2014 04:46:51 PM
hey New....relate....and i never had ANY traditional family in any part of my life....parts when i was running away to the folks i called mom and dad b/c their ACTIONS spoke of being my parents, but steady??? nope.....sometimes i would isolate and be sooo lonely at the same time...isolating b/c i could not stand the hurt of being vulnerable and being shattered again...i still am afraid of being vulnerable in the "out of alanon" world......i relate to your feelings....been there plenty of times....sending you a nice , sincere, alanon HUG............
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Its the time of year. I am having a awful time with grief
And rage at my ah. I thought i was past that point but it
Reared its ugly head come december 1. I just attended
how to survive the holidays at my divorce care group it
was good and helpful. Traditions were spoke about, we
Need to start new traditions, do things differently.
Its okay if you dont decorate or go buy lots of gifts. Relax
Give yoursel a break. I started going thru christmas stuff
And started crying my eyes out. I put up a ceramic tree
And lights on my bookcase. My neighbor brought over
A beautiful wreath for my front door and i am getting
Christmas cards. Have two offers on christmas day so
I am okay my HP is leading the way but i still have my
Grief and pain to work thru before i will have any true
Acceptance of the end of my marriage.
Thanks everyone. Hotrod, I like the poem. Mirandac, I have decorated already. Used only my favorite ornaments and put the rest in storage. Thanks for all the hugs everyone. Glad to have you guys in my life.
Jerry, I can relate. I love AH to some degree, but I go crazy when I live with him. But I miss the good qualities he has. It's confusing. I just honestly don't think I took time to really grieve the loss of my first marriage, before I jumped into another one. Looked for a quick fix. Nothing in life is quick.
There are better times ahead. This time you are REALLY healing. All this is happening for a reason and more will be revealed. You are growing so much. My guess is that, down the road, you will have another much healthier relationship, but this painful growth period and being single and really moving on from AH - FULLY - is necessary. I know it hurts. HOPE = Hang on Pain Ends.
Oh, I love what Pinkchip shared! NLG, I completely understand where you are coming from. You've gotten some fabulous ESH here! One of the reasons that I love these boards is because we can all learn to grow from reading other's posts and the sharing here is so heartfelt and kind. Hugs to you today! Hope you are starting off a great week this AM.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I just joined this moments ago-I'm wondering if I need to leave my marriage. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I needed to read this today!
Google Unresolved Grief. I read something somewhere about it and realized that is what I was going through. There is also this that I found from an article called Pay me now or pay me later "The actions of recovery are spelled out in The Grief Recovery Handbook, which is available in most libraries and through all on-site and online bookstores." Talks about unfinished business and why we shouldn't wait to 'feel better' before we begin to take action to recover. Hugs to you!
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
But there is also your HP and your family of friends and your self, who is always there for you. Those are great resources that no partner can replace. I hope you'll take good care of yourself today.