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Post Info TOPIC: got hit w/a bomshell, still SMH!!!!


~*Service Worker*~

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got hit w/a bomshell, still SMH!!!!


I have this friend, hes a lovely young man, diabetic and now hes lost his 2nd leg just below the knee and i have been keeping up w/him....we were good friends when I was in CA...We rode our horses all over the place and would go for ice cream and he , at that long ago time, seemed to be "too attached" to my bio sister whom you all know, I cut out of my life for varying toxic things she had done to me over my life...I took her daughter away from her and took her as my daughter...to this day I am "T"s  MOM

well "J" and i have been on facebook since i joined up in 2009 and he told me he had to confess to me , was afraid of losing my friendship, but had to tell me and i am on chat w/him, he was too nervous to tell me on phone...hell..i thought he robbed a bank and the law was after him.....his confession was that he was gay!!!  I am breathing sigh of relief and I tell him  "geeez J, i thought you had something bad you did to tell me or your good leg was going bad....dont' scare me like that again"   and so we laughed and he said  "you don't care???"  i says  "nooooo...why should I????"  and that ended that

well through the years we re-bonded, becoming the buddies we have always been, i have been helping him w/his diet, helping him clean up stuff he shoudl not eat and just being there for him.....diabetes is a buggar and with one leg half amputated and seems he has other issues, he doesn't get out so much

He does't live REALLY near my sister, but close enough and not one time did she check up on him when he was in hospital getting his leg amputated and not once did she seem to care what happened to the guy and hes pals w/my nieces as well and hes shy on top of it, so its hard on him to get out and make friends

well 2 months ago, he was all coda over my bio sister's cancer flaring up again (she always seems to be in dire straights only to bounce back and be riding her horses, doing all the stuff she wants to do, travels, etc, which hey!!! i am glad for her but i think she uses the "C" card when people are getting fed up w/her BS and this has been a pattern) 

anyway,  "J" is all strung out over this last bout she had and me, being detached from her, I tell hm  "hey its gonna be ok...she always beats it and comes back.....please be ok and let go/let your higher power"

he infers that i don't care about her and he reamed me out calling me a cold B*** and I am cold heart, etc., and I let him just go off on me and at the end of his diatribe, i tell him, that i am in recovery and i have learned not to take personally, norther's pain, although i not only felt, but KNEW his assessment of me was wrong and that i would cut him some slack as he is hurting, but be careful...don't keep this up or i will put some distance b/c this is not only unfair to me, but not acceptable to me....I will call a "time out" if need be to take care of me...nothing personal, but i put my welfare first, now...

hes in trouble again....infection in other leg.....another hospital visit, and my bio sister who is well enough, plenty, to visit him or at least CALL the guy is a no show....i am on the phone w/ "J" giving him encouraging support, telling him i will call him at hosp. he can call me,  i told him i forgave him for reaming me out about her,  i am not gonna abandon a sick friend at his time in need,   the "other" incident, when he feels better, we can talk this out....

so the worst case scenario....his other leg, removed below the knee...he texted me a pic....now they match...both legs gone , below the knee.....I called and texted and pm'd him, sending him support  and love an "call me if you need to talk"   and hes really shocked that i even talk to him as rude as he was to me....i tell him....."get well, then i will kick your butt over that'   he laughs and says ok......now he is out of hospital, doing as "ok" as a double amputee can and his spirits are as "ok" as can be, he is eating better, following my suggestions, etc., keeping his sugar level better, and so all is stable for now...

on friday, i pm'd him and i told him that now that he was ok, recovered enough to talk something out w/me,  i was gonna let HIM call me since A--i want to respect his rest periods  and B-- I dont' want him feeling his oats and reaming me out again, so HE can call ME...

he pm's me just this am......the tune of the message was   "i get why you dumped that evil B**** and i have come out of denial about her,  she disses me in hospital while my good leg is being 1/2 removed and no visit, no phone call, NOTHING........"

then he types a 2nd line that blew me away.....he says to me  "you were right to cut her off.....when i was 17, she got me boozed up and gave me some weed and she "got me" in the stable, in her hay shed....she is child molester...I was virgin and she got me,  and yea, i let it happen again b/c i was young and it felt good, but the shame of it all has bothered me all these years, and now in my time of need TWO legs amputated and she doesn't know me"   so essentially the end of the note was he would call me later and talk with me.....he said no more covering up for her , pretending that she is "ok" and he said he wanted to talk w/me about some recovery stuff b/c he does want to put those memories behind him...he is out of denial...step one for this nice little guy in reclaiming his life and his self esteem....

so i am waiting for him to call me and i will offer to  do a 12th step with him, to help him not feel shame based over being a kid and being taken advantage of.....

I feel so sad for him.....she was at least mid 30's when this was going on...i was 30 i think...."J" was 17....JUST 17....i am gonna do what i can to help him over come  but i won't absorb it....I will listen w/loving detachment, and i will send him some literature that i have in my library and be available to help him come to terms w/this.....i can see the anger and hurt come to the surface...same as me when i came out about my abuse....i was a fire ball of anger, self hate, hating god for non intervention, the whole ball of wax......recovery is helping me take my life and my power back......that incident that happend to me was HIS ticket to the bad place.....it does not , did not EVER define me...it defined my offender....NOT me...and i see that now.....if i was in a convenience store and someone came in w/a gun to rob the place and he shoots me to get away, am I to blame???? NO!!! i was just in harms  way.....in my case i was a child in evil's path.....so was "J"....it is not about him, it is HER...but he can take his power back and his sense of self back and I am gonna help him as much as he is open to it.........i won't push it on him, but i get the impression he wants a trusted soul to help him work this out....I will do what i can, but he has to eat the good alanon 12 steps fruit that i offer him.......

I went where the healthy love is...and it is as far away from these bio relations as the north is from the south......I kept a very few in my life...a very few who are decent, human, loving yet imperfect but nonetheless    HUMANS with some SOUL........

I will sponsor, mentor him as much as he is willing to do....the taking back his life is his responsibility and his choice....I am willing to be the vessel of love and healing that he needs if he wants it......NOBODY should carry that kind of pain and NOT feel they have one who cares.....i will do what i can to help him help himself.........

thanks for letting me get this yet another oh so loving testimony of that family i had the gawd awful bad luck to be raised up in.....my revenge???? take the evil done to me and use it to be a blessing....it helps them and it helps me.....its all i can do as i work on me......

 



-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 14th of December 2014 09:48:57 PM

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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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Awfully dark and ugly stuff here, N. Thank goodness you found the programs that have helped you experience some light? Prayers for all.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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grateful2be wrote:

Awfully dark and ugly stuff here, N. Thank goodness you found the programs that have helped you experience some light? Prayers for all.


 yes, grateful but it is NOT my darkness......and yes, i am eternally grateful i found program and it has led me to the light......."J" is gonna call me when he works up the courage...i told him  "no worries, u will open up when u r ready"    he thanked me and we signed off for now....

all of that darkness is never again part of me....never was part of me....I was just in its wake for a while and i got out......it never never defined me.....not for a second....yes, it hurt me and messed me up for a long time, but it was NEVER me, just something ugly that happend to me.....



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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(((((Hugs)))))) Neshema,

This must be tough stuff for you to hear. Listening. You are a blessing sister - you, in your own shoes and with your lovely generous heart.

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You let people be who they are and you are a warrior in letting them go if it is not healthy for you.  This is not easy to do, N.  



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Thats awful neshema, im so glad your friends got you. You get further evidence that your choices to cut her off was the right one.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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I hear repeated themes of codependency and poor boundaries in your family. Every one is up in everyone else's business and nobody is taking their own inventory. Lots of toxic enmeshment.

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~*Service Worker*~

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pinkchip wrote:

I hear repeated themes of codependency and poor boundaries in your family. Every one is up in everyone else's business and nobody is taking their own inventory. Lots of toxic enmeshment.


 Mark, I am not sure i understand this....a friend informed me of something, i can listen w/out absorbing it....as to the others....the FEW who I am still sorta ok with, i keep at a healthy detachement.......I am not in anyone elses business...i got this told to me by a guy needing to reach out, i guess.....i am not enmeshed w/anyone anymore...used to be but i detached....that said, i am gonna do the right thing w/out absorbing it....not sure i understood your post.....I don't go fishing for stuff to hear about them...cut them off my facebook (bio fam) and also don't seek or ask about them, but this fella came to me with this seemingly needing to talk/reach out.......as i said, i am not quite sure i understand your post.....PEACE



-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 14th of December 2014 03:21:27 PM

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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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I'm not here to win approval, impress or otherwise do anything but to share whats on my mind so i can work through it and past it and get on with my life.....yes, i come from a very toxic family and i have , one by one, distanced or cut myself off from it as i work on me.......even so, the memories of all that don't go away, just b/c i have performed detachment  AND this came at me out of the blue....I will listen to him and send him some literature send him support hugs and AGAIN...detach with love....just like i do w/the other walking wounded...encouragement, e/s&h , literature and then acknowledge that the ball is in their court...



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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(((Neshema))) Prayers and Positive thoughts for all involved.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
bud


~*Service Worker*~

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I'm glad you're here and can express yourself in a safe place- awesome program work in maintaining your serenity and even having plenty of love to share with others who are healthy enough to be receptive... there is so much suffering in this world. Thank you for the great reminder that we're not defined by what happens to us!

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~*Service Worker*~

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you know??  this fella who has "come out" with this...I am NOT  don't FEEL like I am in anyway responsible for what a **former** relative does to another...that said, however, I experienced this kind of betrayal/violation an therefore I can relate to what he feels, how many years it can take for the memories to really begin to haunt an individual, the flashbacks, and ptsd, and physical reactions of the trauma... I can relate...so if another reaches out to me, I would be remiss not to give support, encouragement and validation and literature to them.....when i came out, i was attacked, dismissed, called a liar, put down, and even blamed....so I know how "J" feels...been there and look how long it has taken me to work through it to a manageable level....

In NO way am i a part of that family...I am even putting some distance between A brother b/c of his refusal to get into recovery and he WAS in AA when state forced him over DUI, but now he has quit...IF he should get back into AA?? i will support, encourage, cheer him on, but i am putting some distance between us in the meantime...I feel good about who I am, what i am, and my intimate/familial circle as it is now (95% non dna) ...I will not let anything undermine my serenity, progress and my right to pursue a healthier life....JUST saying ..



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I heard good boundary setting and awareness of your family's ill ways.  You have a strong recovery program that you work...keep up the good work!



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks you all for kind words...I am ok...called my sponsor about it and told her my intentions to help him ala alanon and let go -- let universe take it from there....

She told me that giving him validation, support and e/s/h was  a good idea and maybe mention alanon meetings even though this is  "a bit grey" re: alanon, the 12 steps are the 12 steps and she did use liquor and pot to take advantage of him.....He doesn't drink now, that I know of, but was certainly impacted by illegal substances and an adult who pushed those substances on him when he was a minor...

I have to admit, this did trigger some old stuff in me, and thus the long rambling post that I have since edited, to a less long, rambling post....the good news is that the triggers didn't engulf me, I took what he said with shock and disgust, yes, and sadness to know of another victim, yes, but i didn't get all engulfed in it....i shared it here...worked some literature, read some posts, and called my sponsor and i am "OK" , I will offer e/s/h if he calls and asks me for it, I will offer encouragement, validation and support if he  calls , but other than that there isn't much i can do...Sometimes just knowing that one is believed can be a big help and i assured him that i not only believed him but empathized with him and told him that this does not define him in anyway, it is just something awful that happened to him..I have some literature i can send him, but again...I will ASK b4 I send!!!!

thanks all for being here for me in my journey..Told my sponsor that so many of you have helped me and how much I love recycling that good to the others than I can help.....



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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biggrin



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Sorry for the misunderstanding Neshema. I was validating your choices. Your family sounds sick. It would be hard not to get dragged back in and I can see anyone who has contact with your sister means you still have to deal with her toxic enmeshed drama filled personality via the way she treats others that you still care about. I was just sort of shaking my head at how much everyone in your family is judging each other, not letting people be entitled to their own behavior and opinions, and particularly how controlling your sister is. I'm very much in support of you. I am glad you are there for your friend even though it did seem to mean that you had to expose yourself to the family drama yet again (which is not your fault).

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you, ((((Mark))))  i told my sponsor that I actually was thinking of letting folks in that family and its surroundings think that i either passed on or moved out of country and am no longer around......I want soooo bad to just DISAPPEAR from all this crap, 

I stay away...keep my distance....and it still comes back to haunt me, her BS toxicity perpetrated on folks that i still care about, so here I am, with this poor friend, now, coming out about something terrible she did to him when he was just a CHILD.....but ya know?? much as i care about "J", I am not the saviour of this toxic family and the ones, sadly, who still associate with them.....I will , IF HE CALLS, listen...empathize...validate....ask him would he like some recovery literature and , yes, be loving and kind, but DETACHED  b/c really?? I can't DO anything ELSE, but validate and encourage him to seek recovery....

thank you for clarifying,  I kinda thought, afterwards that you might be referring to them, but ya know??? when they "infect" me in anyway, i have to fight to keep my equilibrium......i feel like they are one big human , emotional and spiritual "Ebola" infection and i just MUST STAY AWAY and KEEP my distance....i moved to TX, the middle of the country...some of them are E coast...some W coast...I chose the middle of the friggin country and physical distance is not enough...i cut them all off my facebook, limit what emails i will read/respond to on the ones I did not block...i blocked the sister's telephone # and most of the others i let go to voice mail........I want NOTHING to do w/ hardly any of them, yet it still comes to vex me....wish i could disappear off the face of the earth so they would all leave me alone....I want my peace, mostly have it and will fight to keep it....I deserve a life free of drama and BS and AGAIN, i need to shore up my boundaries and fix any emotional "holes"....

and, sadly daughter #2 behaves a lot like this and i have really put distance...i don't expect anything from her....I take care ofmy self...when my back seized up so bad with spasms, and i could not walk, i drug me to my car, drove to doctors and got injection in the muscle that was so swollen and inflamed and seized up...the pain i suffered last week was excruciating....i took care of it myself...my neighbors, both of them good friends were gone at the time so i took care of me ON MY OWN.....got my injection and my medicine and i am taking care of me....this latest "infection" showed me that I must be consistent in my fence erecting around my life....I have yet to tell her what happened to me and I will not tell her...this latest back problem illustrates the absolute need on my part to distance from toxic people.....

the spasm has been moving around my groin and buttuck area on that side b/c when a spasm hits that bad, many times the other neighboring muscles have to do double duty to compensate for the one injured/in spasm, so now i am having to do all these special exercises, stretches , meditations to get everything to loosen up...my upper left leg feels it the most, but i can get around and i will fight this....stretch and strengthen ....i googled this problem i have with the back spasms and the possible origins.....anxiety, ptsd were on the list..I drink plenty of water so am hydrated enough..it was like  "omg...i must work harder to keep my peace and detach"  b/c now my body is turning on me.....whatever i have to do to protect my serenity, I will do....my mobility is now being affected....anxiety in brain, causes brain to send signals to muscles to contract w/out my being able to do anything.....i got some L-Theanine which is the brain's "peace maker" and I , with consulting w/a nutritionist, am upping my dose  to just slow down all the electrical activity in my brain....people think anxiety/ptsd are "in my head"  well , it is a physiological issue, also...my body chemistry was changed due to the trauma and now i gotta work even harder to keep things "calm"  i told my sponsor this and we both agreed....I cannot deal with experience overload of the unhappy kind.......detachment and even dissociation are becoming more vital to my physical health......

anyway, thank you for clarifying.....i wasn't thinking straight enough to get your meaning......My error......hugs



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3281
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my quest for serenity:  cleaned off more "relatives" from facebook....took em off as contacts on my cell b/c my rule??? no name...they go to voice mail...so now if a call comes in w/no ID, i won't know who it is and wont' care....VOICE MAIL......

one way or the other, i am gonna keep my DISTANCE......i feel so much more at peace, I can think straight w/out drama, chaos, toxicity...maybe i'll apply for a job, manning a lighthouse waaaay out there....



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 

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