the holiday are just starting! - Al-Anon Family Group

pixie · Veteran Member

the holiday are just starting!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

To answer your question, No. I've been in Al-Anon recovery for many years. Without it, I know where my mind can go cold stone sober. I can't imagine what it might be like for an active A whose thoughts are alcohol fueled and more crazy-making than mine can be without Al-Anon tools. I wouldn't want to add to the mental chaos in an A by doing anything to "mess" with what is already a very sick mind. An active A isn't drinking to hurt us. They're drinking because of a compulsion to drink that they didn't cause, can't control and can't cure.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of November 2014 02:44:57 PM

giraffe13 · Senior Member

I agree with grateful2be .. They are already suffering more than you know!! and compelled to drink, it is nothing personal. I wouldn't even waste my time with that, b/c then you open yourself up to the nastiness that they will reply with, and suffer from it. It boomerangs. Find strength to get through by using an outside source like Al-anon meetings, your personal faith, and others who are going through the same thing. You can find support here. Sorry you are so stressed. (hug)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I do understand that feeling but that was before I got alanon and started living life with a different philosophy. It sounds like you need some good alanon literature pixie, pick up on how to not let him and his choices stop you from enjoying your life. I dont like the hols much either but im going to try really hard to live one day at a time, thats the only way I can habe any serenity and serenity is my goal these days.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Pixie alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive, fatal disease-- I would not play any tricks on anyone with that condition.

I suggest that instead of thinking of revenge, I would search out alanon face to face meetings and attend.

Help and Hope are available.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I can understand your feelings of disgust with what's going on but try not to let resentment get the best of you. Better to just share at f2f and go for cup with your sponsor. You're not in this alone. You don't have to be anyway. I'm sorry his drinking is causing you pain and sadness. ((((hugs)))) TT

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

HI pixie. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. However, I agree with Grateful. An A's mind is already in such a mess without added chaos. Alcoholism is not something a person chooses to have. It's a disease that takes hold of the person. It's powerful and it affects everyone it touches. Al-Anon can help you learn a new way to live. Please get to some meetings if possible.

Keep coming back. Let go and let God take care of you ah. Focus on taking care of you.

pixie · Veteran Member

Thank you for the replies. I have to deal with it with humor. I tired years ago to reason with him,show him what it does to him from a medical stand point..liver problems,etc. This has been going on for over 30 years. Any more I don't care what happens to him and haven't for a long time. I have to deal with it with humor. It's how I've learned to survive. I should have left years ago but I'm not going to lose everything to end up living in a tiny little apartment without the animals I love. They've kept me sane...my rescues. As far as al-anon meetings I'd love to go. I've checked the ones in my area and they're all in the evening when he's home. He'd ask where I was going and I'd have to lie about where I was going. If I told him the truth there would be a fight. I gave up fighting years ago. I can't look at alcoholism as a disease,it's a lifestyle. I don't feel sorry for the alcoholic,I feel sorry for the people who have to deal with the drunks.I gave him a choice years ago. Give up the booze or he slept alone....we have our own rooms.But this time of year is so dreadful to me.He takes extra vacation days and adds them to his regular holiday days off.Also I'm not a religious person,spiritual,yes.As far as tricks.About all I've done is dumped a couple cans of beer down the drain,I'm sure he wondered where they went.I'm hoping he thought he didn't realize he drank that much.Thanks again everyone

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We have on-line meetings twice a day here. At the top of this board on the left in yellow are headers that help introduce you to the chatroom and the meeting schedule. At the top of our board there is also a sticky on the promises of Al-Anon that might be of interest to you, too. Some of our members have also been concerned that there'd be trouble at home if they went to meetings. What some have discovered is that telling their loved ones they are going to the meetings to work on their own issues helps avoid arguments for them. We also have members on our Al-Anon board who are recovering alcoholics. Perhaps they'll weigh in at some point and share some of their own experience, strength and hope with you, too.

Our program is not a religious program and it is built on spiritual principles that I have discovered to be a lifesaver for me. My son is an active A and several of my younger sibs. The only way I could keep (at times regain) my own sanity and moral compass was with this program and other supports. Knowing what my son and some of my sibs have suffered, it is difficult for me to think anyone in their right mind would choose to slowly destroy themselves with this poison or go through what the disease drags them through. I don't pity them and yet I do have compassion for them knowing what their dreams were for their lives as children and what they became as a result of this disease.

Al-Anon has helped me in so many ways to live my life without allowing the disease to destroy me, too, through anger, frustration, bitterness, hurt, self-righteousness and an underlying sense of hopelessness and sometimes despair. At first I thought it was only my x who had the problem. Later on, I discovered I had issues of my own that were formed and shaped in childhood as a person born into a family affected by alcoholism for generations that was hidden because neither of my parents were alcoholics. Fortunately, by the time my son admitted he had a problem with alcohol, I'd been in the program long enough to know what not to do that I had done in my marriage with his Dad.

I do hope you'll keep coming back. Living with an active A can be a miserable experience. Having the support of others who are there or have been there can help us in so many ways.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of November 2014 10:18:48 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Pixie...welcome back!!! How different things would be if you had found the rooms of Al-Anon when we first met at MIP. I know the "fear of" telling part because I went thru that myself and then not for long because I got more afraid of myself and my relationship with my alcoholic/wife to not follow thru on the suggestion of going to my first for real meeting. She had a reaction and then wouldn't everyone? It passed...I let go of it and continued in the program...I just love the outcome...I love the me I've become today. Good you got the suggestion for on-line meetings and I hope you give them a try cause you have deserved it for such a long time. I remain in support ((((hugs)))) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Pixie, I so understand the feelings of anger and resentment, I lived this way too for almost 20years. These emotions and feelings only hurt you to be honest. You dont habe to just survive, you can live if you get into alanon. Its completely anonymous and if you dont want to tell him the truth you could tell him your meeting with some friends or attending a class or help group, all these would still be within the realms of the truth. I dont get why its so important not to lie, this is your life. This comes down to how much you want to begin having a life that is enjoyable and serene. We can become addicted to the misery and drama and I know I got lost in my own self pity. You have choices. Alanon exists and has helped thousands of people who could all tell you that there is a different way to live and its not a religious program, im not religious either. All the excuses in the world wont stop alanon being an option when your ready to take it. I felt sad when I saw that you were here before and chose to not take the suggestions offered to you, I hope this time will be different for you because if not you could come back in another few years still stuck in the same situation.

pixie · Veteran Member

I try and usually succeed in doing my own thing,taking care of my home,animals ,helping family and friends and doing my crafts. Even selling some things and making gifts and really enjoying my life. But there are times when I see my A sneaking his cans of beer out in coat pockets in the wee hours of the morning,hearing the beer cans pop open ever few minutes,and these aren't small cans of beer,they're the pint size cans. Looking out when he's pulling into the driveway and he's trying to hide a beer can. I just want to tell him,"don't hide it,I see what you're doing. May as well do it out in the open." I don't mind people drinking but in moderation. But still he can get me so down knowing what he's doing to himself. Not to mention how much it costs to feed his habit. There are times I tell myself if he can indulge in his habit I'm not going to feel so guilty when I want something special and treat myself when I wouldn't have. He doesn't get violent,just stupid acting. That leads him to doing stupid things which leads to me or someone else getting upset with him. So today is his last day off from his little vacation until Christmas vacation. I have tons to do in my craft room and I'm going to try real hard to concentrate on just my things and not worry about him doing what he does best.Thank you everyone,maybe coming on this message board to just vent and get replys will help.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Not encouraging you to leave at all, but I would rather live in a box with no pets than with an active drunk. Living in that environment killed my spirit. Living in a small apartment without pets did not.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi pixie, I get the impression your not convinced about alanon. Noone can force you to be ready. I know for me it took a kind of bottom where I felt so bad that all my previous efforts and attempts had failed and I finally realised that I cant do this on my own, I dint have the answers, I need help. Maybe your nearly there or maybe you need a bit more misery. Im glad you feel better today and you have your own things going on, alanon is there for you if you need it. It takes committment, hard work, honesty and an open mind but its well worth it. Its not about him either, its not about stoppjng him drinking, you learn thats impossible. Alcoholics cant drink in moderation and be open and honest about it, if they could do that they wouldnt be alcoholics. Im glad youve reached out here and hopefully youve got some things to think about, keep reaching out, dont isolate, thats when shame and denial gain strength.

pixie · Veteran Member

Morning everyone! I'm fine,I just need to vent sometimes. And no,I'm not going to give up my animals or home to live in a cardboard box or little apartment. I do work but I couldn't even afford that! My animals are what I love,they keep me going and I do dearly love them. Most of them are rescues and to me that's important. It's hard to see your A's health in bad shape because they've caused the problem themselves. For a couple of years now I've watched my husbands go downhill. He's reminding me more and more of his dad all the time. Today I'm taking all the returnable cans back and maybe Christmas shop with the $$.Hope everyone is having a good day!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand wanting to play tricks, or get some kind of revenge on the AH. The only thing I could ever think of was drinking too much myself and making him mad. It didn't work. In fact, I don't think he ever realized I drank too much. I don't think it's a good idea to try and play tricks on them...it just makes us look bad. One trick my AH would play one me was to fill his empty beer bottles with water so I would think he didn't drink them yet. Now that's crazy.

pixie · Veteran Member

That's funny! My sons and his friends when they were younger would do that with beer bottles and put them in the fridge.My husband knew the second he opened them they weren't beer.He never got mad and knew they were just playing jokes.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.