The material presented
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level.
I've been single and away from A behavior now for 6mo. Life is better and I have healed greatly, done a lot of work on myself and with the help of a professional and al anon steps made progress. I cannot deny that. However, tonight I am frustrated and wondering why it is not at the place "I think it should be at." Or that "I feel is complete progress in my opinion." grr.
I have moved into a new apt where I have found community on my floor, made a new group of friends who are dependable and sincere, and it took me about 9 months (april until now) to get up and get back out there at the job I used to love. Just getting the ball rolling this past week. So happy. I have also gone on some dates, but given myself early on the time alone to just get past the real bad heartache.
Can someone please please share your experience and help in this part? I really need it tonight, maybe something you did could help me?? I am doing all of this, but am not emotionally able nor am I remotely interested in dating anyone, and I am still missing him so much I cannot seem to "unplug" that. I do want to be able to meet people and give this a try but my heart is just not there.!! And all the other actions are NOT helping that, I miss us so much, he was my true love of my life, but have no desire to take him back as a drinker. So, I feel stuck. How did you do it? Did you find yourself in this place and what did you do ? My therapist told me that grief is normal, and I am trying to push things and not honoring the progress already made.
Your experiences may really help me right now. thanks. Happy Thanksgiving!
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 28th of November 2014 12:48:19 AM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
hi, I don't have anything helpful here as I am not separated, but I hope you find some helpful thoughts. And, six months is not very long! I am impressed by how far you have come in this time. It seems really hard, and to hear you have made friends and are finally finding energy for your job...I am celebrating this for you.
Thank you for your support and encouragement Oceanpine. Can you believe I was actually upset with myself for it taking that long to get working again? lol. I don't feel like giving myself any credit. I told the therapist, this is my fault somehow that I cannot beat this in 6 mo completely? The A makes all of this look like a ball for them even though its the alcohol making it seamless, and we have to go through it painfully sober. That's difficult. I guess I will just leave it alone and see if some good advice comes my way. I asked my HP for help today.
Thanks. :)
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
Are you missing him or the excitement and the drama of being in relationship to him? I have said I loved somebody and missed them and believed that I did until I experienced unconditional love for a person after years of recovery and was actually happy to love them enough to see that what they wanted and truly needed to thrive were not things I wanted or truly needed to thrive. It hurt to say goodbye to my best friend at the time on one hand and yet my love for him wanted only the best for him and the best didn't include me as his SO or his wife. Though it has been years since I watched the person I love get into his car and move 1,000 miles away from me where he found what helped him live a life that gave him the desires of his heart while I received mine, I know that he'd be there for me and with me and me for him if a circumstance required a physical connection. That is a different kind of love than the one I experienced with my x and contains no longing for what I can't have or what couldn't be. This type of unconditional love was kind and generous and freeing with no drama or angst. I prefer it to other types of love. In choosing to honor your need to heal without being in another relationship until you're truly ready, you may be choosing to experience a type of love that is different than what you've known? One that will bless you, him, and the community around you? I hope so.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of November 2014 08:09:00 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 28th of November 2014 03:51:52 PM
I have not posted in a few months as I have been busy getting settled.
I left my AH at the end of August (Virginia), took my son to college in Florida & then lived w/ my sister in Georgia until I could find work, housing, etc. Although it is nice to be out of the day-to-day drama of living w/ an A, there are days I am pissed. I left a big house and with an income that I did not have to work. Oh, I worked at home and managed house, kids, finances, etc. but I did not need to make a salary, although I did work parttime.
I am not making much $ at my job compared to what I am used to having, my ins. benefits are not that great and are expensive, and I am moving to an apt. in about an hour; waiting on movers as I write this. I know there was no other way as I tried for a few years to just live in the environment but it was toxic, and I was lonely as my spouse totally shut me out as he wanted to drive me out and he succeeded. In VA there is a 6-month waiting period before you can divorce (1 year if you have minor children) but we have settled the money and I got my settlement a few weeks ago. He had to buy me out of the house. Altough I am thankful I did get a little bit of money it will not sustain the lifestyle I was accustomed to. But, the saying, "money doesn't buy happiness" is all so true. I was miserable and unloved. Although there is alimoy given in VA (and I was entitled to a lot since I made it possible for him to finish college and double his salary by being his personal asst.) he was going to drag it out and that gets expensive, he was adimate about not paying it so I waived it in lieu of a cash settlement with is tax-free, alimony is taxable. He still came out ahead on paper, but since he doesn't know how to manage money he won't do well. That was my job and I did it well. For years everything was "ours" and now he likes to say, "my money." I get out my violin and play it for him sometimes. (just kidding).
I had found a church and a group of people I like very much here, I am now moving an hour north to be closer to work (I have been commuting 3 hours a day) and will have to find a new church home and meet new people there.
So, it is not ideal and not my idea of where I would like to be. The kids are graduated and we should be enjoying what we worked so hard for, but instead we are starting over. I loved being a wife and a full time mother and was darn good at both. I can honestly say that I did not do anything to cause this divorce - I stayed until he forced me to leave. I served my spouse as I am supposed to until he shut me out and did not allow me to. I still took care of the kids (homeschooled for years), kept a nice house and paid bills, and stayed out of debt and saved money, homemade meals, vacations, etc. but stopped his personal management as AlAnon taught, but he also refused anything I gave for the past two years. He slept on the couch for the past year and a half and wouldn't be in a room if I was in it. We lived separately in the same house for this period of time. He even drove separately if we had to go somehwere together, would play the good husband in public and let the door close in my face when we got home.
So, I go between being really pissed off to knowing there was no other way. He is still blaming me. I don't talk to him, but ocassionally we have to text for legal stuff and he reminds me how broke he is and how long it will take him to make up what he gave me. Please. He kept a 3,500 sq. ft. house that used to have a lot of equity, when the only space he uses is the sofa with a TV; with rental property income, a good job with benefits and didn't have to miss a beat. Me and my son were totally uprooted and have to make new lives for ourselves. He refused to get help (I drug him to counselor after counselor but he lied) and refused to even admit he has a problem. All he would say is, "she is so angry." For years that was his only contribution in counseling. He has a number of enablers fom family to bosses that allow him to play me as the problem so it's all good in his little imaginary world - but he is miserable and in denial. He has only texted my son twice in three months and said, "what's up?" Wow! And when my son said he didn't want to talk to him he went off on him saying he needs to stop parrotting his mother, and he will one day regret leaving. My son has changed his phone # so he can no longer call him. My son had no choice in the matter. Nor did I. He drove us from the house. At the end of the summer, my son had told me, "we have to get out of here." I stayed for him to finish out his final summer with friends after high school graduation at this request. But, we are orginally from Florida and there was no reason for me to stay in the miserable cold of VA when the only person there I was related to was the AH.
I am not sure I brought you any peace. It is tough. But, I do have peace now and not the daily angst of being ignored or the no-win arguments he would create when he grew tired of the silence he created. I don't like that I am 51 and have to be solely responsible for myself for however long. I am still legally married, legally separated, so dating is out of the questions, but I will be gun shy for awhile after the lies and manipulations of living w/ an A. Trust will be a big issue for me moving forward.
My faith is in God; and through all this I know that He will sustain me and provide for me. That is what gets me up each morning and gets me through each day. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God knows what we endured and heard every word, and can see in our hearts and minds and I am at total peace with my role in all this. I asked God every day, "Can I leave?" And many days it was, "no." One day he said I could leave but not divorce. That is what I did. I will seek Him daily for the next step. My faith is what has sustained me and gotten me through all this, and will continue to guide me each step of the way. When I start to grumble I instead list the things I have and give thanks. It is a process. The greatest gift I took from AlAnon is to live ONE DAY AT A TIME. I live that faithfully and that is how I get through, one day, one moment, at a time.
All the best to you,
Teri~
-- Edited by blessed on Friday 28th of November 2014 08:12:51 AM
In my experience, it takes time to find your footing and get to know who you are again after being in a tumultuous alcohol fueled relationship. After carrying on with a dysfunctional person for a long time, it takes a serious toll. It took a couple of years for me to be able to date and put forth a more happy and complete person when meeting others. Until you feel more complete and whole and grounded on your own, it's not going to be time to offer your heart up to anyone else. Your heart is still healing and you need to let it. It's all okay.
((G)) There are so many layers to detachment as there are to a grieving process. It sounds like you're doing great in your transition process- working on yourself, building a supportive network, and finding work that you enjoy. Please be gentle with yourself. I remember people telling me- and me not liking to hear- that I wasn't really ready to have a relationship. At the time, I felt I was ready; in hindsight, I'm so much more ready now than I was then. This doesn't mean that I couldn't have had a relationship at any one point, just that there is so much "stuff" to work through that I hadn't been in the best place for it. Date when it's fun to do so and when you're up for it. Things will continue to evolve and unfold as you settle in more comfortably on your journey.
Just look at all you have done! Its marvellous, and it is yours.
I know that grieving feeling, even though I'm still with AH, but I grieve for the man that I thought he was and what I thought we were. I remind myself to be gentle with myself and to keep the focus on what I want to do, what interests me etc. I'm not surprised that there are evenings when you feel sad, but your assets are great and perhaps acknowledging them can help sooth you?
I think you answered your own question when you said,"my heart is just not there".I too left my A, and I don't think it can be rushed.I think I will just know when it is time.
I can't tell you anything that you should be doing. But I can share my ESH of what I would advise you NOT to do. My AH (addicted husband) went into rehab during our separation. I had a one year old son. I found a wonderful home day care. I got a job. I found activities and friends that made me happy. I stood tall again. And then AH began to beg me for another chance. He promised he was over the past and wanted a new life. He begged to be a Daddy to his son. He went to meetings. He had a sponsor. He went to church. We went to counselling. He came home. I got pregnant. The first few years were ok, but he gradually stopped working his program. Then some stressful things happened and next thing you know things had gotten out of control again. This time, we had just moved, I had no support group. My family wasn't there for me. I had no one. I felt stuck. I wasn't really happy, but I tried to 'do the right thing.' It was a roller coaster of rehab, good boy, backsliding, rehab, rinse and repeat for the next ten years. That, by the way, started in 1996. Son #1 is now in college. Son #2 is almost eighteen. I've made a decent life for us as AH works out of town, making staying possible. Love? nope. It died years ago. Bitterness, contempt, anger, depression took it's place. But I'm in the home stretch and making my exit plan. It's time for me to have a life. If I'd had al-anon back then.........
Hi. I totally understand your position. I moved out in March. I used to ask my AH to leave but he would always come back after a few weeks. This time, I decided to leave. He got fired from his job and now we are facing foreclosure on our house.
Teri, your story sounds so similar to mine. It's hard to be told over and over I am the angry one. I left a huge house, although it is a big fixer upper and not very nice, for a small apartment. I have found the majority of the time I am happier and my home is a lot more peaceful. My older two children are very happy I left. There are times when I still miss having a partner...but not a drinking partner. I miss the nice husband I had sometimes. But the drinking clouded our whole marriage. Even though he says he isn't drinking now, there are still major issues I couldn't live with anymore.
I keep busy by working, going to my martial arts class, Al anon and going to church. I have divorce papers ready to serve him. I am starting all over too, and it's ok. It's better than living in chaos. I was always anxious around him and couldn't sleep well.
One thing that's helped me is to think of things I am grateful for since being on my own. All I can say is, time heals.
This is exactly why I come to Al anon. I am uplifted by the time I get to the bottom of this thread!! ((grateful.))
Milkwood, I labeled all the things I have done not as "accomplishments," but as actions people take in life without thinking about it. So how did I do that much this year ? But after abuse, that is a huge series of steps to take. So today I decided to rejoice in that and the rest will follow. Everyone here made me feel really good about sharing it, and seeing others here share the same thing means it IS a big deal!
"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided.' Tony Robbins" This spoke to me after leaving him. How many sleepless nights I spent thinking about those simple changes I wanted to make while feeling stuck with his disease!! Teri, many times I asked God for guidance, and felt it was not time to leave. One day I distinctly felt God's guidance very strongly that this was the next step. I felt it so strongly that I actually never doubted the decision once, even in my darkest hours of the last 6 months. I had fear at times, but a knowing that there was no logical reason to regret the decision I made. That is amazing and shows our ability to directly commune with a higher power if we are in tune and ask for help. (Thanks Al anon!)
I feel like everyone here when I say, "I don't miss the hellish drama!" When the fog cleared I saw why I loved him, and why I left him. Nothing was black or white but my life is better without Alcoholism. I have an ex boyfriend "John" who was Mr. Perfect. We dated a very long time, he is close with my family/friends, and everyone in my life is pressuring me to get back with John now that I left the alcoholic because he was " so great to me and for me," and John is wanting that too but I know in my heart he is not right for me.
After posting, Mom shared her opinion which she never does. "I know that (ex ABF) was different from the others you dated. You don't have to marry John just because we like him. (I started crying.) Love is not practical. It is more. I know that you and (ex ABF) had real love. It is different with him. I could see that from the beginning. I even thought this was the one you would end up with. That is the love that makes people happy their whole lives and your brother has that with Sue(finance). We love (Aexbf), and there were so many things about him I felt were so great for you ..___, but his drinking in the end wins, and that was the only part of him that concerned us. I have respect for you for leaving someone that you had that love with. I know how hard that must have been for you to leave because of the drinking and start over." It makes me cry just writing this. She said, " You can find that again with someone else, but it may not be right now. You have to be patient."
He somehow made it look like after separating his life has improved, and his family and friends are supportive that he seems so great all of the sudden (maybe it wasn't the booze!). One of the many illusions of Alcoholism. For a minute I was fooled into thinking I was at fault that I could not seamlessly transition like that! Like you said Teri, money, work, all of it, God sees all. He provides in the end and we are doing our best!! We had an apartment we fixed up together (his) and many things that were from our relationship that other women are enjoying now. And I had to be the bigger person and find a new community of friends, keep quiet, and walk away with just my dignity. Seems unfair. I feel extreme anger some days at how they can throw it all away and extreme sadness on some days. Resentment and fear too creep up on me. The daily battle. Thank goodness for this community of people. sorry for the long reply.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 28th of November 2014 04:30:57 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 28th of November 2014 04:33:05 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 28th of November 2014 04:39:13 PM
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I've been single and away from A behavior now for 6mo. Life is better and I have healed greatly, done a lot of work on myself and with the help of a professional and al anon steps made progress. I cannot deny that. However, tonight I am frustrated and wondering why it is not at the place "I think it should be at." Or that "I feel is complete progress in my opinion." I am doing all of this, but am not emotionally able nor am I remotely interested in dating anyone, and I am still missing him so much I cannot seem to "unplug" that. I do want to be able to meet people and give this a try but my heart is just not there.!! And all the other actions are NOT helping that, I miss us so much, he was my true love of my life, but have no desire to take him back as a drinker. So, I feel stuck. How did you do it? Did you find yourself in this place and what did you do ? My therapist told me that grief is normal, and I am trying to push things and not honoring the progress already made.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Friday 28th of November 2014 12:48:19 AM
Hey Giraffe......you only have been single for 6 months,and new, i guess at alanon??? I think U R doing GREAT.....take it easy on you....AND, alanon suggests that we shouldn't even think of dating till we have been working program for a year......are there any alanon meets near you??? that would be a BIG plus re: feeling stuck.....i know how ya feel.....it slike your roaring along and then its a little piddly thing here and there and I was thinking "omg..i lost my program...screwed up.....won't move forward anymore" but you do...I think it is very brave and spot on, you ending a relationship that would only get worse....if he doesn't get into AA and arrest his drinking you can look forward to having mental problems, legal issues (DUI's and other stuff) job loss, more mental illness and his body and mind dying a slow death....when u start missing him, yea, its great to think of the good and all but remember WHY you broke up....write a list of all the drunken , miserable things he did and think "do i want a lifetime of THAT????"
hang with alanon...keep working on you, the good days are already on you...new friends, new flat, new friends.......easy does it ok??? u will do fine...you show that you have a good head on you...trust in that good head and your instincts...yes, we grieve losses, even tho they are correct ones, its still a loss and it sucks, but the other choice is worse....this pain will, in time, as you get grooved in alanon and taking care of you, the pain will go away....send healing energy to the Ex and thank your lucky start you didn't get stuck with this for a life time with kids and all.............we are here...we are listening.......IN SUPPORT to you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
thank you neshema! Yes it is so nice to come here and hear, you don't have to do any dating! haha. You are fine! The world falls in on us after awhile and tries to speed us along to what they think is good. :) I found that doing some charity work this year has really helped. Helping others has been a nice way to focus my energy on something that gives me joy inside. Wanted to encourage others to try if they are feeling blue as I was. :)
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I don't know if this will help but I have been single for four years. I have used my dating experiences to learn about me and it is actually working out pretty well. What I have noticed is that in my past relationships, I have allowed them to be rushed because someone else was setting the pace. I guess I don't place an expectation in the experience and I feel better.
"He somehow made it look like after separating his life has improved"
That's exactly how I've observed it with my exAH and I learned it was just another manifestation of the disease trying to look alluring and scoring another "win". I know just how crazy I would sound if I said that he remarried and makes it look like life is fantastic, but they are both active As and the disease is what the disease is- and the disease falls quite short on fantastic. Thanks to Alanon, I have come to a place where it doesn't matter what is going on "over there", what matters is rebuilding my own life and having serenity and I wish this for my exAH and his AW, as well.
My ex-A made it look that way too, but everyone does that when they come in contact with their ex. This is the law of "talking to/seeing your ex." You must tell them how great you are, how happy you are, how you are now doing all the things they wanted you to do and how you love it, and (often times) how you've met someone younger, better, and more successful and are happier with them.
What I later found out with my ex was that the new boyfriend was a broke crack addict that robbed him and he chose that relationship over all his friends who eventually deserted him because he was really codependent and wanted sick partners so that they would never leave him. He was a wreck and is still a wreck to my knowledge and I don't care. If he suddenly became sober and was "doing great" for himself - good for him. I would be happy for him, but I don't see him making the effort that I did in AA to REALLY change.
I also think in 99 percent of cases it hurts yourself to think things like "He was perfect except for his drinking!" I say this because in 99 percent of those cases (okay 100) that is a not true statement. Alcoholics are tortured souls. They are needy, sick, and emotionally underdeveloped. They live lives full of drama and chaos. They have underdeveloped coping skills. Even when sober, they may act nice, but they are still plotting and craving the next drink, so you don't really get their fully developed and "present self" ever. You always will get a sick shadow of a person. While I understand the many folks that say their sober spouse is perfect and the drunk version is the devil - that is typically due to them hating the alcoholism so much and also not really understanding how alcoholism works in reality. I will bet you that if you take your ex in totality - he had all the sick, needy, emotionally underdeveloped, and selfish tendencies that all alcoholics have even when sober. So while I am sure you loved him and had deep deep feelings (as I did for my ex-A), you left him to be healthy, drop the madness, and maybe one day have a shot a healthy relationship with a person who doesn't have all those issues (when you are ready and if you feel like it).
The brain damage accrued through years of abuse really shows in the reasoning skills, ability to make decisions on what is acceptable and what is not..
As far as his personality pros/cons, I didn't try to project what he would be like a after sobriety, but I didn't feel that there would be anything beyond what a normal couple would deal with. It became progressive and clear a booze soaked brain was not his personality... but a booze soaked brain. lol ! But I did ask the therapist about this b4 I left and she shared: It cannot be applied across the board that all A's are damaged goods. They come back to who they were after sobriety, either sick and twisted or happy and healthy and she said she has seen just as many come out happy and healthy and those twisted ones were obvious from the start. Some people just are disasters themselves and don't face the real music about their partners. I have two friends who are now sober and incredibly inspiring and giving hope and strength to others, no issues like that and another that had a failed marriage and no lasting recovery. I left even though she said he would be fine with AA, couldn't wait any longer.
That crack story is crazy, lol. and to think we look at those things and say: Heeey! How are they doing so well! It is a snapshot. Not the whole movie. Like bud says, this disease falls short of fantastic. helps so much to read these posts. thanks.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
And all the other actions are NOT helping that, I miss us so much, he was my true love of my life, but have no desire to take him back as a drinker. So, I feel stuck. How did you do it? Did you find yourself in this place and what did you do ? My therapist told me that grief is normal, and I am trying to push things and not honoring the progress already made. 
