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Post Info TOPIC: I just left...


Senior Member

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Posts: 133
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I just left...


I had been kidding myself for the last 2 years.  She would get better, then worse.  Had a few breaking points and what I thought were breakthroughs.  This past Sunday my AW and I went to breakfast.  She told me that she had been to the doctor and the doctor had asked her to come back for another blood test the day after Xmas for some things, such as blood pressure MEDS as hers is high now.  She then tells me that there was something they found about her liver, but didn't elaborate.  She said that she told the doctor about what she drinks and how often.  She said she came home and poured out all alcohol.  I hadn't commented on her drinking in a while and we were talking about something else.  She said she didn't drink the day before and didn't feel so hot but today (Sunday) she felt a little better.  We come home and what does she do, she starts to drink.  Yesterday she is into the wine and I just decided to go upstairs to bed.  I didn't want to be around her.  She came upstairs and asked if I wanted to come watch tv with her and I said no.  She left and went downstairs.

Today after work, my daughter calls me.  She says that her mother had just dropped her off at her house along with my 3 year old grandson and she was drunk.  She said she was weaving I. The road, people were honking, and she was going slow.  I met my wife in the driveway and said we had to go to the daughter's house immediately she said we needed to come back.  AW questioned and I said we just needed to get there.  Empty wine bottles in the back seat she tried to get rid of but to no avail.  I ignored them.  When we get to the daughter's house I had my daughter tell her about the driving and she was drunk.  She of course denied it.  I told her that she needed to get help and no more drinking at all or I was leaving.  She said ok but she looked pissed.  We went home and she said she was pissed at me and didn't want to talk to me, not that I was trying anymore. I told her that I thought we should not be around each other right now and I was leaving for the night.  She tried to tell me she would not cook anything tomorrow if I left.  I left.  She said, go ahead and leave.  I did.  Where do I go from here now?



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Senior Member

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Posts: 419
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 I ended my relationship with my A,too.What I decided to do was dive headfirst in this program.I was just tired.It works,It really does.I am getting better everyday.



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Mary



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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HDFTBY I am so very sorry for the pain and sadness that this disease is responsible for in all our lives. I have lived the scene that you have just described and know how difficult this is.
You ask where do I go now? I suggest that you find an alanon meeting or join us at our on line meetings and attempt to center yourself so as to hear HP's guidance.

Tomorrow, Thanksgiving Day many alanon and AA meetings have a pot luck dinner and round the clock meetings where there is good food all day as well a meetings I would check that out because this is the best way to honor yourself and the Holiday

Prayers for you and your family.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Veteran Member

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Posts: 28
Date:

Good for you. Leaving is so difficult, and the 'what comes next' part is so hard to figure out. I wonder if you could go to the daughter's house since she apparently knows what is going on. Stay a while and think carefully about your next move as your emotions are likely to be all over the place. Don't be in a hurry. Surrounding yourself with others in similar situations will be comforting and reassuring, so - meetings, meetings, meetings.

When you've had enough, you've had enough.

hugs

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~*Service Worker*~

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My suggestion is take time to get your bearings and let her sit with her own sickness for a bit. You don't have to make nice or fix this right away because of the holiday. You wouldn't be able to fix it anyhow.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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Hard stuff no matter what time of year the crisis happens.  Good work.  You detached.  You removed yourself physically from everything alcohol.  You came here.  You shared.  Hopefully, you are at an on-line meeting now if not now, soon?  The chat room after the meeting is also a good place to go for support and fellowship.  Leaving her where she is while you work on you - perfect.



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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That is the Courage to Change necessary along with the faith and trust and hope.   What would I do     now?    I get to the first meeting I could and hook up with the program.  Listen and learn not only for the stuff that might give hope about the future and about what do you do now...this first day.   Now time for me is the most important because it was and is when I am in the confusion that I need others around me with their ESH so I do something different rather than the same things over and over again expecting different results.   Everything and anything Al-Anon which enables positive changes.   There are so many ways about "being gone" I learned and only some of them about leaving.   I'd get to a meeting and the literature and my sponsorship.   In support.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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Senior Member

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Posts: 133
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As I lay here on my mother's sofa in the darkness, I can't help but think about her. I miss her so badly. Not the alcoholic her, but the her I met, fell in love with, and married. Slowly that her has been dying more and more over the last two years. Our life is pretty good. Not great, but a lot better than others. Why is it that some liquid in a bottle takes it all away? What do I say and do when morning comes?

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~*Service Worker*~

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It is a dreadful disease hdftby , Try to rest, sleep and pray for HP's will. You are not alone . Let us know how it goes

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
Date:

Hugs and prayers hdftby.
I have found, as I continue to take care of me and stay away from my A and his alcoholism, when I do speak to him now he is a lot more honest and considers his words and actions. I don't live with him any more and when we talk, he is present and attentive. The process was painful, but as I learned to care for myself, he learned to be caring towards me too. Of course it isn't our goal to change the alcoholic but it was a nice side benefit. So as you lay on your mother's sofa in the darkness, think about that. It's so hard but learning to care for ourselves is the very foundation of positive change. What can you do to make yourself comfortable right now? What can you plan for tomorrow that is just for you? We can't change their journey but we can change the rules when it comes to what we deserve and will accept. Other people seem to adapt, even A's. Be proud of yourself for saying "enough". It's the beginning of a really cool journey for you even if it feels crappy right now. I spent my last night with my A sleeping in my car with my child and my dog to get away from his drunken crap. It sucked very badly but it was the beginning of me choosing to feel safe and in control of my own life. Congratulations on making that choice.



-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 26th of November 2014 11:59:32 PM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 938
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It is hard to leave the A. I understand. I left my AH in March. What do you do now? Take care of yourself. Find another place to eat. Let her be in her disease. Find Al anon meetings. You can't fix her. Take a deep breath. Take one day at a time.

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Living life one step at a time



Veteran Member

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Posts: 25
Date:

Sorry you're going through this and for your disappointment.  Like was mentioned, a meeting is a good place to go.  What comes to mind is what someone in Alanon when I was feeling indignant.. the alcoholic is drinking because they're an alcoholic, they're not drinking at you. Acceptance doesn't mean condoning unacceptable behavior.  When I make a boundary, take an action or react, I try later to reflect on my motives and expectations. I invite my hp to be a part of that. 

From experience I can say that giving ultimatums on a holiday was met with the same resistance as any other day of the year.  I'm guessing if it was so easy to get and stay sober, many would. 

I'm betting she definitely knows how you feel about her drinking.  I would ask myself if I honestly want to spend Thanksgiving day in a hotel instead of my own home. Maybe take a breath, have a good cry over this if that's how it feels for you and ask hp's guidance.  (((hugs))))  TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.

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