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I am really grappling here. I just discovered this forum and have read a lot of amazing stories... and all too familiar experiences. Thank you first and foremost for being so open and loving and honest on here. I came here looking for help and I think I came to the right place.
Alcoholism is a family disease, huh? Well that makes sense in that I dated my now-husband for 7 years before marrying him (6 weeks ago) and now it's like I'm waking up to the perhaps truth... that he's an alcoholic. He's never been violent or destructive... definitely irresponsible at times and somehow always landed on his feet. His drinking was an on-and-off issue in our relationship... but just when it got "too much" whatever that means-- pretty much that was always defined by my tolerance for it. When I would get tired of it... which was usually when he would drink multiple nights-- 4-5-6-7-10 in a row.... or start a pattern of drinking two tall-boys per night when coming home from work, or he'd have one big binder and forget to call me or sleep at his friends house.
Whenever I would point out to him that his drinking was getting out of hand, there might be a little resistance to him hearing me, but then he would recognize he was drinking too much and then decide he wasn't going to... by creating some divice... keeping track of how many days he didn't drink by tallying the days in ink on his hand...giving himself a goal, "I'm not drinking until Christmas" or... "I'm only gonna have a couple drinks when we go on a date and that's IT," or "when I go on vacation I can drink, but that's IT!"
As I write this... fear creeps into my chest and I just feel like, YOU DUMB GIRL!!!! How did you not SEE THIS??!!! How did you choose to be so BLIND?!!! He's an alcoholic!!! (I write those words with tears in my eyes...) How? Why did I do this to myself?
The super sad thing is that I should know better. I have struggled with addiction. I was in Overeaters Anonymous for a time, and then AA, and saw a therapist and a life coach about my emotional eating for a long time, and I really got the skills and practices I needed to overcome that addiction (I know it will never by GONE, but I am in recovery and doing my work everyday to stay there.) This was all before I met him. But HOW DID I MISS his addictive behavior patterns? HIs denial? His ill-fated attempts to cure himself of an addiction he really didn't think he had. He was doing it all for me. Every time he'd go off alcohol was out of fear that he would lose me. And I let that be enough.
I'm reading here about how A is a family decease... and now I am starting to see it. It's MY DISEASE. I LET THIS HAPPEN. I DID THIS TO MYSELF. To the point of MARRYING an alcoholic. I CHOSE THAT and I'm so sad to realize that. Oh, I love him SO MUCH-- I want him for my husband and the father of my children. He's a wonderful man. But this morning, after we argued because he mentioned that he was gonna "try and visit an AA meeting" last week... and a week later he still hasn't, and then he got defensive and told me "I never PROMISED YOU that I would go to a meeting," which okay fine, he didn't PROMISE.... but the defensiveness... the reaction to being confronted... the level of fear... it was all too familiar. The disease is running him. And he doesn't see it. And it breaks my heart. What if we don't get through this? I went through YEARS of struggle with my own disease... including hitting rock-bottom before I came out the other side... and now I trapped myself in a marriage with someone who won't even see that they have a disease. Well, he is beginning to understand there is a real problem.... but that's about it. I don't know if I can stand beside someone going through this... when I just did it myself, for myself. What if my recovery can't handle the uncertainty of his? What if this new marriage doesn't work? I feel like such a fool. But I guess it's my disease that let me blindly marry someone who is blind to their own disease. . It doesn't end does it? This learning... this work. The minute you think you're "cured," you make a decision that affects the course of the rest of your life and you make that decision with your "disease brain"... oh, but I did make it with my heart as well. I love him. But what if "standing up for myself" means I can't stand beside him?.... oh the pain of that thought....6 weeks into marriage is too much.
I can relate to your post and just want to start by saying welcome to MIP. Al-anon has saved my serenity and I believe it can help you too. We all come here frustrated and are looking for answers and I am glad you are reading and getting some of them. STOP beating yourself up for loving someone that has an alcohol problem, I did it and so have many others and all it will do is make you feel worse. I try to live in the solution and out of the problem, coming here and to my face to face al-anon meetings has helped me a lot. I read the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and it was enlightening for me. So many of us share your story. I am glad you found us and it is up from here! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Dear Carrots, I'm glad that you reached out and shared your concern, your anxiety and your fear. You are correct alcoholism is a family disease. It affects the alcoholic who drinks and the family members who try to cope with the disease the best way they can.
Many of us myself included use the magical tool of" denial of reality" in order to be able to see what we wanted to see and do what we wanted to do. That's not unlike the alcoholic who denies they have a problem.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of men and women who understand as perhaps few others can. We too were lonely and frustrated but in Al-Anon we meet in face-to-face meetings in order to solve our common problem. It is by breaking the isolation caused by living in the disease that we begin to gain hope , stop beating ourselves up and find that we are not alone. We can then pick up new powerful new constructive tools to live by.
Projecting into the future and worrying about the past is a destructive tool that only ruins the present. Al-Anon asks that we attempt to live in the moment and trust that as we take care of today and grow in courage serenity and wisdom we will be able to take care of tomorrow.
Please know that one day at a time, focusing on yourself, trusting in a higher power you'll find the resources and the path most healthy for you
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the white pages. I urge you to attend and if you'd like we also have online meetings here two times a day that are very supportive.
I can't tell you how amazing it feels to come back to my computer and have two responses to my words. Thank you so much Breakingfree and Hotrod:) You both are so full of wisdom and support. Just what I needed. thank you. After I wrote that last post, I called up a friend who also happens to be a therapist and she agreed with what you all are saying. "Stop beating yourself up," "Live in the moment," "take care of yourself first" and pray...
I cannot tell you how much your support means to me... I feel so much less alone having heard these responses. I looked up a meeting and plan to go on Saturday. I am looking forward to it.
Welcome to MIP. We all know the battle that goes on inside of us when we love an alcoholic, be gentle with you. Yes, it sounds like you married an alcoholic that is not interested in recovery, however, you are not trapped. You know from your experiences and knowledge of addictions what the future will be like if there is no recovery. The question I would ask is "do I want that future?"
Before I married my husband I believed his promise that he would quit drinking. The week before we were to get married I was having second thoughts about getting married, but brushed it off to pre wedding jitters. It was my second marriage and my pride was stopping me from admitting maybe we needed to wait. We married ; he did not quit drinking, the alcohol brought along its friend, pain pills, so then he was not only an alcoholic, he was an addict, too. We raised 4 children in hell, until I got into recovery and asked myself the question I posed to you. I looked ahead to the future and asked myself " do I want this in my future?" My answer was no, and I told him to move out. He did get into recovery, not because there were ultimatums or any other controlling behaviors...I knew I was powerless....because he wanted a different life, he wanted his life. He surrendered to his HP and is still doing great. We are together and living a life with strong recovery programs. In my opinion, that is the only path for true intimacy in our marriage. I will not settle for anything less. I hope you are able to get clear about what you want for your future.....recovery cannot be forced on anyone with success....you are powerless over the course of his life, but you are not powerless over yours. Blessings, this is not easy..
You are not alone,I just started this program and I am uncovering a lot of things.First my father was an alcoholic,his mom was an alcoholic and my great gramps was also.I do remember loving them bunches!!And it was comfortable for me to be with alcoholics.I am twice divorced and yes there was alcoholism. And my teenage daughter's dad is dead from an overdose.Having said that be gentle with yourself and ask God for help.
Hi Carrots and welcome to MIP. I'm glad you found us, as you are among a bunch of warm, supportive and compassionate people here. We all know your pain. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that affects everyone it touches. I have been living with an active alcoholic for over 14 years, and without my HP and Al-Anon I definitely would not be here. Al-Anon offers family and friends of the alcoholic tools with which to cope and live by. Remember you did not cause your ah to drink, you cannot control it, nor can you cure it. You cannot save your ah, but God can, so wrap your loved one in your God blanket, and you take care of you.
Please keep coming back.
It works if you work it.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Aloha Carrots and welcome to the board...Stick around and keep coming back and find the face to face Al-Anon groups in your area; check in the white pages of your local telephone book. You'll get tons of suggestions from the family here and read them all cause they come from people who worked it and had it work for them. If the suggestion is different than what you do and what you are doing isn't working...do something different. Your post reminds me of what a sponsor suggested to me early on, "If you find that what you did was a mistake...go back and correct it". Simple program for complicated people I once heard inside of the rooms of Al-Anon. I did follow up on his suggestion and it was one of those "courage to change the things I can" from the Serenity Prayer. Keep coming back...you're family now. (((((hugs)))))
I agree with what others have said about finding Al Anon in your area and going to meetings. My program has saved me from myself in more ways than you know. But, I also want to say that I'm sorry you are hurting. We all know this pain, the 'oh crap, I just pulled my head out of the sand realization', and the knowledge that things will never be the same. Sending you lots of hugs and support!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I don't know what scale he's on, but if it's in your heart that he is an addict, then it's probably the case. I fell in love w/ my A instantly, from the moment I saw him. Towards the end of our relationship, I was beating myself up for being with him. Ironically at the time of our initial romance I was dating another fellow, and I chose the A over him, because my heart had already made up it's mind. It didn't matter the other fellow was an insanely more functional and compatible mateI was young, I was in love, and I felt I literally had no choice but to dive in head first to what was at times the best two years of my life, and the most heart breaking.
In the beginning, he told me "hey, I drink, just so you know." I was 22 and thought "ha..ha, yeah me too no big deal". I didn't understand to what severity. I didn't realize he was casually telling me he was an alcoholic, and then the reality of it all came crashing down on me the first few months, but I stayed in denial and in silence for at least 6 months.
There was periods of progress. He started going to therapy and out of nearly 15 years of drinking, he had a month of sobriety. One of our most challenging times due to the whiplash of his insanely powerful withdrawals. Terrible mood swings, insomnia, the seizures were what scared me the most. I don't mean to scare you by telling you my story, as my A's disease was very very pervasive. It started to entrench every aspect of our waking lives. Going to the grocery store was a fit.a place to get his fix. Going on outings, every thing was always about his "woe is me, I'm the victim, and the world is designed specifically to ruin me" mentality.
Towards the end, I sought out alanon, and tried to start exercising healthy boundaries, no drinking at home, that he would have to get his financial situation in order if we were to ever get married and have that house in the country he was always dreaming of. If was ironic, because he got so consumed in the money aspect of our problems, that he began to slowly drink less and take on a workaholic personality, and in doing so, ignoring me not just emotionally and spiritually, but there was this new physical distance, and that's what finally made me break.
It's been 6 months since I kicked him out, and he is still in my mind and in my heart. He was the man I planned to marry. He was the one I wanted to share my life with, and I finally realized that I couldn't make a home and life with someone who was never truly there, because there was no way he could be because he didn't even have the capacity to be there for himself. I hope your A seeks out change, but if he doesn't, use alanon as a tool. There is a big part of me that wishes I had found alanon sooner. I keep thinking there's ways I could have ended the relationship without having to completely tear him from my life. I reached bottom with him, and for my own safety, I had to let go completely. It feels ilke a piece of me has been amputated. I am wonderful most days, but there are many days, like today, the memories ache with intense melancholia and nostalgia. It takes a lot for me to not reach out, but I am trying with all of me to stay strong.
My apologies.I realize I am rambling. I hope you find peace soon. I hope you can find meetings that work for you. I wish you so much love, because I have been where you stand, and I know it is not easy. hugs. take care of yourself.
