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Post Info TOPIC: the gambler


~*Service Worker*~

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the gambler


I had a weird moment today. It isn't al-anon but it's how I am applying al-anon to my life, I hope that's OK.

I've expressed here before the fact that I have a gambling addiction. It went postal in my late teens and early 20's and then I went to gamblers anonymous a few times and learned how to arrest it. It wasn't that simple, I actually went bankrupt at the age of 21 with $30,000 of debt. I did repay much of that debt without legal obligation once I came to my senses.  It resurfaced for a time after my ex-husband left, and I got control of it again. Basically I cannot gamble at all, but every 6 months or so I let myself "prove it" and i take a small amount to the casino and let myself go home and feel the loss and be reminded of how horrible it is. That worked well for me for many years, while i was in a relationship. That was my "safeguard".

But the pattern I knew and understood was, I was either in a relationship, or I was gambling. As soon as I found a messed up guy to obsess about and care for, the gambling went away. When the relationship ended, the gambling came back. 

So even though I hadn't been gambling for many years, the fear was still there, would it come back if I left ABF? It has always been one or the other. I actually remember thinking, many times, I can't leave this guy, what if the gambling comes back? I was way more scared of my gambling than I was of his abuse. 

Well it has come back. 

A few times as we were on the verge of breaking up, I went and blew some money, never a lot, just $20-50 that i couldn't afford and then i would feel sick and tell myself, never again. Well, 3 weeks ago I screwed up BIG and blew $200, it still wasn't like before, it wasn't $2,000 or $20,000 and I still had money when I walked away but it was a LOT and it hurt. I felt worried, OMG is it starting again?

So today I chose to walk into a gambling venue again. There was no excuse other than the fact that i had "the bug". And I lost control again.

I won some, I lost it all, i won some again and eventually I broke even. And started going back down again. And then I heard a voice from within myself. "Mel, this is hurting your soul. It's part of your sickness. You need to stop". So I stopped, cashed out at an odd amount and went home. I never heard that voice before. It was so kind and understanding. It was me, being kind to me. "Mel, you don't need to do this. Go home girl".

So yes I plan on some GA meetings and talking to my counsellor about it but the wow factor is the fact that I had a voice, inside myself, that said "STOP. THIS IS HURTING YOUR SOUL". It wasn't quiet, it was like being shouted at.

I do believe my al-anon-thing is strong and it's going to get me through other stuff too. 

Sorry this is a bit off the beaten track. I have been very afraid of the gambling getting hold again if I leave ABF and here it is.

 



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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MissMeliss I am just rejoicing at you hearing your gentle and kind inner voice. It sounds to me you know you have a struggle ahead, and you know you and your future are worth recovery. I too think these things are related. You are on your way. This story makes my day. You know where to come when it gets tough for you.

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I can tell this fear has a hold of you, thankfully, you have the tools and can begin at step one.  Another reminder, too, that you really do have a HP?wink

Do you have a sponsor to work the steps with?



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Jill, you are always so kind and supportive and beautiful. Thank-you.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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She just walked out the door, mum"



-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 26th of November 2014 03:48:16 PM



__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Ms. M thank you so much for your continued honesty  and awareness. I have consistently found that small voice within(yours was very loud01) is present and will guide me in every situation. It gives me the courage, serenity and wisdom to take actions and to live up to the principles and philosophy of this program every time that I'm in doubt. I am so glad that you are attuned to the message in the moment and took care of yourself by leaving. Testing the waters is very human and I believe you found the answer to your question about your gambling.
 
 I have found that even when I stop eating potato chips or cheese nips 01and I permit myself to do it again I cannot get enough. I am much better off abstaining from these as well as alcohol, shopping and ice cream. The  most importantly addiction that I have is cigarettes. I know that I cannot even think about testing the waters with  a cigarette as I would be back to three packs a day in no timeno
 
Glad that you're going to say Johnson GA meetings and am so pleased that Al-Anon tools are surfacing automatically for you. You've put in the work and it's working for you congratulations.
 
PS
 
Just read the post about yur daughter . 
 
 She is a teen and it is hard . This is a huge turn about for her and I wonder if alateen might be a support group that could help. The language is unacceptable and she needs to know a better away to express her anger sadness and loss. 
Prayers for all involved. 


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You are speaking to you in a more loving way and your daughter needs to as well.  This is no easy thing you are doing any way you look at it, and, I acknowledge it is difficult for her, too.  In time, she will feel badly about  the way she is treating you.  I don't want her to carry that guilt around at such a tender age.  I am glad you are reaching for more support through GA.  You need more support to work your recovery program and I hope I am not offending you by saying this, please consider sponsorship. My sponsor was a lifesaver for me and I did not have nearly the amount of stress in my life as you have.  For what you are going through, you are amazingly strong.



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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A small or big voice within telling you to stop, Im going to think about this one. I dont listen enough.
Consequences mel. Remove that ipad or ground her. Action works in my experience. You can do this. My son started plying up as soon as he felt safe to do so, god love him, when he was really good it was only due to the chaos he was living in. Your daughter may feel safe to act out but dont be tempted to feel sorry for her and let her away with it, shes asking for clear boundaries. These will make her feel secure enough to hopefully settle down.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Lots of prayers for you and your daughter, Mel.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Listen to the voice and follow thru girl...I've got that voice myself and  when I listen God speaks.  After God speaks I follow thru or else the pain comes back.   You know.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Mel...I found that after a while in recovery, old destructive behavior patterns became more obvious and I was confronted with the need to continue moving towards health and change whatever the issue. Similar to you, I can't afford to have many vices because I suck at moderation. I don't do well with gambling either.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I have had a food addiction and al-anon has helped me with that also. I am glad you are so self aware and loving yourself through it! Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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lol, it was funny yesterday, after I screwed up and went gambling there was an issue with the buses home and I got stuck waiting for 2 hours at the bus station, I just told myself, that's what you get for going gambling. This is your HP or your self telling you, don't freaking DO that. I took it as a message, this is what happens if you slip, Mel. It all goes to poo. I was so desperately happy to get home. I had parked my car a long way from home to get the bus and the bus I got home didn't go that way, I mentioned it to the bus-driver and he made a little deviation on his journey to drop me at my car. I LOVE country bus drivers, put that on my gratitude list. When I got home I was SO happy to take my daughter and dog for a walk on the beach. Everyone had missed me and wondered where I was. Put that on the gratitude list too. So angry with myself for losing what, in the end, was $20 and 2 hours of my life. It was the biggest $20 I have ever lost, it was significant. It made me feel revolting. I had a few drinks later on, I admit, not great coping. I had a bottle of elderflower vodka put aside for "a rainy day" and I drank half of it last night, not an extreme amount but, enough to be not clear-headed. I was really playing out all of my worst habits yesterday. So when I went to bed the cat jumped up on my desk and tipped that bottle of rainy day vodka into my laptop. It's dead Jim. My super-sexy super expensive laptop is dead and full of vodka. It's sort of funny, I am sort of a tech-addict as well as a gambler and a drinker. So I sort of destroyed all of my vices at once. I'm using the old dinosaur I gave to my daughter years ago, right now. I keep trying to use the "touch screen" and guess what? This clunky old thing doesn't have a touch screen. I am just covering it in smeary finger-prints. I also missed an important meeting at my uni with my course adviser, I am re-enrolling in my bachelor degree and this was a big deal. I slept in and missed it courtesy of staying up late and drinking. So in the end my day of playing out bad habits cost me a $1200 laptop as well as $20, and cost me a really important meeting.
I don't think it's even my HP punishing me for screwing up. I think it's me, making sure I know, if I slip back into those agonising coping mechanisms, life is going to get very, very bad.

I know we don't really talk about these sorts of behaviours here or in al-anon but for me, being the "minder of an alcoholic" sort of kept me on the straight and narrow for 9 years. He was such a mess that I didn't have time or the luxury of indulging in my own vices. I had to be the sane one. I relished that role. And I am no saint by any means. There was a safety in being with a man who was so dangerous and out of control, I had no choice but to keep myself sober and sensible. I was actually sort of a crazy mess before and being with ABF gave me an opportunity to see what it is like to be the sensible "in control" person. And part of my clinging to him so hard was fear that I would do these awful painful things if he wasn't in my life anymore.

So here is the next part of my al-anon journey. Facing myself, without my alcoholic to hide behind.
I don't feel worried or ashamed, I feel sort of excited to be honest. I know how to deal with this crap. I'm going to an AA meeting tonight, to try it on and see if it resonates with me now, am I an alcoholic if I cope with stress by drinking? I can abstain till the cows come home, but when it's safe, and I have the opportunity, I drink. It's my reward for being perfect, getting drunk. That isn't right. And I'm looking for a GA meeting too.

I am wondering if it's OK to press "post" about this stuff because I feel like there is a culture in al-anon where we are perfect and don't have any addictions or bad habits. Well I do and I am grateful today for what this program has given me, the ability to step outside of everyone else's problems and face myself head on. I am a freaking mess of addictions and isms. And i feel sort of pleased to meet myself and be able to extend myself a helping hand.

I'm not scared and I'm not ashamed. I'm just ready. I have no-one to hide behind now. Honestly I think this journey is about to get really good.

Hope I haven't alienated you guys.










-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 26th of November 2014 10:58:20 PM

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Paula, there is a lady in my al-anon meetings that I am thinking of asking to sponsor me. I think she has all but handed me a card saying "sponsor". I think she really wants to. I have held off because she has been through so much, what she shares is just so horribly cruel, I feel like all of my issues are things I chose and so minimal in comparison. I love the way she carries herself and she's so kind to herself, she chaired a meeting and she actually got into a lotus position while she was doing it,. The oldies said "tsk tsk who does she think she is putting her feet on a chair?" but I loved the way she got herself comfortable. I want some of that. I am going to call her today and ask her.

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Ms M I am far from perfect and very human. I did my 4th Step and then shared it with my sponsor. You have just worked a powerful 4th and 5th Step with much courage and honesty and shared it here. Good work.

Remember we are as sick as our secrets.


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi. Thanks for being open and honest about your issues. I have had issues with eating lately. I get stressed out so I eat. I wish it was the opposite, and I didn't eat. We all have issues of some kind. Nobody is perfect. I won $500 a few months ago at a casino. I must admit, it was exciting. I was even getting free drinks! I can see where it can become addicting. I have an uncle who lives in Reno and he gambles all the time.
It is good that you are being honest with yourself, and sharing this with others I think will help you.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Melly,

None of us are perfect Melly but like you I am rather fearful of being a saint. I wonder what it is that makes us afraid of being our best? I get scared when I think of life being as good as I would like it to be. Weird! I know in my head that my imperfections are just a part of me and help to make me whole but yet I worry that I could be too good! How silly and arrogant is that??!!! More thought required

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You post whatever you need to post for your recovery; this one seems super cleansing.  Let us know how all of the meetings go and maybe you will have a sponsor? smile (((Melly)))

 



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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You are awesome Mel. I was reading through your response and was thinking "Maybe she should go to an AA meeting" and then you came up with that on your own. Just follow through on your instincts here. You have a "recovery self" that is guiding you towards growth. This could also be termed your Higher Power. Listen to it.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Brilliant mel, I think your courage and progress is shooting through the roof, its actually great to watch. All of us in alanon were or are with alcoholics hiding from different parts of ourselves, whether we can admit it or not. We dont end up with an alcoholic for nothing, there are reasons and for me thats what alanon has helped me see about myself. I habe the same defects as my ex, obsessive, compulsive, immature, and all the rest. To own who we are and not only own it but to say it to others, put it out there is working the steps and its the progress towards having your defects removed. Removing their power. Good for you, your showing me and others how its done. So proud of you.x

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~*Service Worker*~

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Ps, ive heard many people share who were in alanon and then became members of aa, your not alone in that one and I think its proof of your willingness to get completely and utterly honest with yourself. The truth of us, thats what im talking about, I am a big fan of the truth and to think I spent my whole life hiding it and covering it up, avoiding it.

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