Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: new to this


Newbie

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Posts: 4
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new to this


Hello I am new here, I feel alone and I've never attended a meeting so all this is completely new to me. I've decided I can no longer deal with this on my own and just need to vent to someone who actually understands! I've been married for 6 yrs to an alcoholic and I'm at my wits end. He cannot function without beer, he drinks it when he wakes up and doesn't stop until he falls asleep. I've tried everything I can think of to get him to stop, I've took our 3 kids and left him for 6 months before I let him convince me things were going to change. Of course they didn't and leaving obviously didn't phase him like he said it did. When we were gone he contacted me through texts and calls daily, crying and begging for his family back, swore up and down the beer wasn't worth loosing his family. Yeah that only lasted 2 weeks! I've been back 7 months now and have realized he won't change and there is nothing anybody can do about it.I have fallen out of love with this man and have even grown to resent him, I am disgusted when he touches me, especially when he kisses me, the odor of beer lesks through his pores and he stinks. I'm lost because my family and friends don't understand what I'm going through. I not only have lost a husband, but my best friend as well. I've lost all respect for him. I can be setting next to him at home but the man I married isnot there so I feel so alone. If it wasn't for financial reasons I would have already been gone but I've got nowhere to go, no family that can help me. :( I'm sorry for such a long post but I just needed to vent!



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2200
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Hello, and Welcome to Mip,

I'm so pleased that you have found us. I remember the first time that I posted here I sat on my bed and cried and cried with the relief of letting go and of finding others who I thought might understand. I wasn't alone any more and even though I was crying it felt good to reach out.

Alcoholism is ghastly and it can destroy the lives of everyone, not just the person who drinks it. Like you I tried everything that I could think of to lead my husband to give up alcohol. Like you I kept trying so long that I began to loath my husband, and that hurt my self esteem as well as his.

I wonder if you have Alanon meetings in your area? Meeting others face to face who were in similar situations to my own was a huge eye opener for me. I met people who were making the most of their lives, and thriving, regardless of whether or not the alcoholic in their lives was still drinking. I met people who were as tired and worn out as I was and, if I'm perfectly honest, I looked at them and thought 'my god, I don't want to be like that.' That helped me a lot! :) Alanon helps me to take the focus of my husband and to refocus on myself - gifting myself with a life that makes me proud regardless of what my husband does. It teaches me the tools to cope with my husband's mood swings etc and it teaches me to take care of myself as well.

It is areally tough, heart breaking disease, but we don't have to do this all on our own. I am so sorry that you are going through this journey and would give you a big ((((((hug)))))) if I could! I hope a virtual hug helps a little bit

You will hear from fabulous folks on this site, and reading other peoples stories helps a lot as well. You are not alone any more.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Dear lost and broken, I am so sorry that you are in this dreadful pain and can so identify with all you have shared . Alcoholism is a chronic incurable threefold disease that can be arrested but never cured. It affects the person who drinks spiritually , emotionally and physically. and it affects the family in the same manner .AA is the most successful recovery program for the alcoholic and alanon has been established to assist those who have lived with the insanity in their lives.

In alanon I learned that we are powerless over the disease in another and the best I could do was work on my own self and develop healthy coping tools to live by. Alanon is a fellowship of members who connect at face to face meetings to break the isolation caused by living in the disease, support each other as we gain confidence in using new tools to live by and help each other develop the self esteem and self worth that we have discarded or lost in the process.

Please keep coming back I assure you that you will find help and hope and no longer feel" lost and broken".

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
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Welcome to MIP.  We all know what you are feeling, as it is our story as well.   Milkwoods and Betty's uggestion to attend al anon meetings is what all of us would suggest.  The meetings are for your recovery from the effects of loving an alcoholic...we become aliens to ourselves.  There are also online meetings on this site, twice daily.  We are open 24/7...there is hope, reallysmile



-- Edited by PP on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 08:59:27 AM

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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 531
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Hi lostandbroken, and welcome to MIP. We all understand your pain as we, also have lived it. You are not alone. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive disease that affects not only the alcoholic but also family and friends of the alcoholic. I noticed you said you had tried everything to get him to stop drinking. You are not going to be able to get him to stop drinking. You cannot control his drinking, you did not cause his drinking and you cannot cure his drinking. You cannot save your ah, but what you can do is help yourself. You can get help for yourself by seeking out and attending Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a program for family members and friends of an alcoholic. Over the years of living with alcoholism, we begin to adapt and evolve to be what our alcoholic needs. We become enablers without realizing it. Al-Anon can help you live a different way.

Please take care of you, focus on your health and well-being. One of my favorite Al-Anon slogans is "Let go and let God." Give your ah to God to take care of, and you take care of you.

please keep coming back here.

((lostandbroken))

ditto what milkweed, Betty and Paula said. smile 



-- Edited by cloudyskies on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 09:04:10 AM

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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3968
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Wow, you tell what was once my story as well. I am so glad you found us here at MIP! You are not alone and alcoholism is a dreadful, sad, family dissolving disease that we have all lived through. I hope you can find some al-anon face to face meetings in your area and the best book I ever read when I was new in the rooms was "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Read everything you can and get to those meetings and you will learn to take good care of yourself and even love yourself more than ever. Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

Thank you all so much for your replies, I am feeling a bit better knowing I am not alone, I really appreciate the kind words! Yes I have considered going to al anon meetings in my area i just have to find the courage to do so.he is pretty controlling, I have to find a good excuse to attend a meeting, if I told him I'm going to an al anon meeting it wouldn't go over well.he has been to AA ordered by the courtand not only did it nor help but he would come home and drink after meetings.he has isolated me from my family, I'm only allowed to see them in his prescence and that's when he agrees to go. He has forced me to end all of my friendships except one and I met her after I met my husband. He has been abusive in the past and my poor kids have witnessed it twice. I know my marriage is not saveable but I think the al anon meetings will still help. :) I dream of the day I can financially take care of myself and my kids on my own...

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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((Lost)) If you cannot get to a Face to Face meeting please know that it is essential to you mental and physical health that you break the isolation caused by this disease. We have on line meetings here daily. Here is the schedule
Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.

After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12

 

All you need to do is just click on the chat room button  at the top on the Board  and you will be able to participate

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 

 



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Newbie

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Posts: 4
Date:

Thank you, I deffinately plan on attending one of those meetings!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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In addition to Al-Anon meetings, I'd like to suggest that you call the Domestic Assault center in your area or the Domestic Violence Hotline for support and help with this situation.  I, too, was married to an abusive A who I allowed to control my choices and my right to live in peace and safety.  From that experience, I know how dangerous a situation this can become for you and for your children.  Having the support of people trained in issues related to domestic violence (and this type of control is violence) is necessary for your own well-being.  Meetings can help you break the isolation yet I am concerned that without the help of people who can truly help to protect you and your children, things could grow more tense between you and the AH.  Both the disease of alcoholism and domestic violence thrive in secrecy.  Having both supports can help you counterbalance the effects of both with others who can be there with you and for you without increasing the potential for increasing control maneuvers to keep you right where you are so that the disease and the abuse can continue on doing what each has always done.  Trying to handle this on your own, as you have experienced, is an exercise in futility.  Finding the right help for you can help you begin the journey towards recognizing your own desires for a healthy, happy life.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 10:10:39 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 12:52:07 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 531
Date:

You are not alone, lostandbroken. We are here for you. Even though I have never met the people here in person, I have developed such a close bond with them, I feel like they are my family. They are my Al-Anon family. If you cannot get to face to face meetings, then please follow HR's advice and go to the Al-Anon meetings on line.

Take care of you and take one day at a time.

God bless you!



__________________

Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

(((((((Lostandbroken)))))))

I am sorry that you have been isolated and I feel concerned that you are uneasy about how you might be treated if you take steps to look after yourself and reconnect with friends and family. I am sorry that your husband is unwell and can only say that when my husband was at a very low point it felt to me as if he wanted me to break as well - kind of looking for company in the pits of the earth I guess! I was not prepared to follow him to those depths and a phrase that went through my head at the time was 'it takes two to tango'. Thankfully I was in a place where I felt that I could refuse to join him in his self destructive dance.

I agree with Grateful, there are folks who are trained to deal with situations that are abusive and being told who you can and can not see is abuse. I believe that you will find people who can give you practical help and I'm so pleased that you are joining us here. You've shown great strength in all you've done already.

Take good care of you and your lovely children.

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Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words, I do plan on taking care of myself and my children, I've been so involved focusing on my husband and kids that I forget to take care of myself not only physically but mentally as well. I am in school and if everything goes as planned I will graduate in may of next year! However with everything that has been going on its been hard to focus. I am glad I found this site, and I'm relieved and thankful to find others like myself! Again thank you all, and thank you for reminding me to take care of me, and I'm excited to find myself again, I know she is in here somewhere :)

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:

You did what you needed to survive, so you are a courageous survivor.  Gently, we can guide you to move beyond surviving to thriving and flourishing.



__________________

Paula



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

l
Lost....don't forget this part of your story.  It is important that you hear yourself say it and say it like this.   For me it was in hearing myself talk about the alcoholic/addict part of my life and how it was affecting me that I found the "courage to change the things I can".
You go girl and we will support your journey.   (((((hugs))))) smile
Lostandbroken wrote:

Thank you all so much for your replies, I am feeling a bit better knowing I am not alone, I really appreciate the kind words! Yes I have considered going to al anon meetings in my area i just have to find the courage to do so.he is pretty controlling, I have to find a good excuse to attend a meeting, if I told him I'm going to an al anon meeting it wouldn't go over well.he has been to AA ordered by the courtand not only did it nor help but he would come home and drink after meetings.he has isolated me from my family, I'm only allowed to see them in his prescence and that's when he agrees to go. He has forced me to end all of my friendships except one and I met her after I met my husband. He has been abusive in the past and my poor kids have witnessed it twice. I know my marriage is not saveable but I think the al anon meetings will still help. :) I dream of the day I can financially take care of myself and my kids on my own...


 



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