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I go to an alanon book study every wednesday evening and we focus on one alanon book and all share with eachother. Similar to alanon meetings but a little different. Well, there is a guy there who talks a lot about his childhood trauma and it is difficult because I think he needs a therapist more than alanon. He has a lot of pain from his childhood and he thinks we want to sit there and listen to his pain for long periods of time. I want hope and this guy brings a lot of inner trauma there. We all try and be there for him but it is wearing on me. He is lonely and doesn't have a lot of friends and I feel bad for him and yet I am not really getting a whole lot out of the book study. I start to feel a major energy drain when sitting next to him. He is extremely needy and clingy in an emotional way. He seems to need to heal that little boy inside of him and us alanoners are not the healers for him. We can be there to support him but I don't know what else to do. Do you have any thoughts on this?
We all come to alanon with different hurts to be processed- it's sad when someone is stuck in their pain. I've found that the more structured the meeting, the less someone would be able to monopolize it. It would be appropriate to bring it up at a business meeting. Sometimes, the person opening the meeting will also serve as a monitor for timing the shares to be sure that everyone who wants a chance to share will have that opportunity. In step meetings I attend, there is a moderator who makes sure everyone keeps to the topic. I find that given time, the group dynamics will change and a particular person will not exert themselves in the same way. There may be other meetings that you can attend for a while. Sometimes, when I get irritated with someone, I call my sponsor, because this sometimes means that what I'm reacting to is something I need to work on and process.
Hi, willowtree: "We can be there to support him...and I don't know what else to do." Maybe that's the answer. Childhood trauma can get uncovered the more we work the program and the safer we feel. I wouldn't have a problem in a meeting with somebody sharing childhood trauma in the context of being a member of a family affected by alcoholism. I would have a problem with that member monopolizing the conversations and if there isn't a time limit for shares, perhaps a group conscience meeting call could be sounded on the issue of time limits for shares? To me, it is better if an individual shares their childhood stuff with a sponsor, a therapist or a member open to listening and offering Al-Anon tools that might help the speaker and yet I know that is an ideal and doesn't always happen.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 01:21:44 AM
I also understood that our meetings are for more general shares and that the deep, emotional and long winded issues are to be worked through one to one with our Sponsors. This then keeps the meeting inspiring and energising for all there.
Hi Willowtree
I do understand and have expereinced this as well. I think that there are several ways to address this situation . Any change would need to be established by a group conscious but yesterday's reading in the ODAT November 24 speaks about sharing at an Al-Anon meeting.
"That rehashing the activities of the alcoholic and complaining about our lives is not what the meeting is all about. Before we share we could ask ourselves how many of the people here tonight have learned something new about applying Al-Anon principles how many have given me a constructive idea to take away".
In Order to address this situation my group has set up a format that is read at the beginning of each meeting that ensures that we each benefit from the meeting.
We are a step meeting and therefore we do read about the step from alanon literature, and then we read the format that has been agreed upon, including the page from the ODAT that addresses each share ,
We also announce the time for each share, appoint a spiritual time keeper and then confirm the benefit by reading Tradition One " 'Our common welfare should come first personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity " All this only takes about 5 minutes in the beginning of the meeting and is very successful
I have experienced this as well and agree it is a group conscious kind of meeting that would decide how to move forward on this. We would all start sharing on how moving through our pain in al-anon has helped shape us and try our best to give our ESH on what tools, slogans, principles or sponsors has helped us to deal with our own inner turmoil. We all come to al-anon broken, dragging what is left of our carcasses and just need love and support at first to start the healing process. I too have gotten impatient wanting to focus on my recovery even here at MIP, but it's about the general welfare of us all. I am glad you are here and this is a great post with great ESH above. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Alanon's 3rd Tradition states that the only requirement for membership is that there is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. If he feels he qualities we should not/diagnose his condition and send him elsewhere.
We can establish guidelines and boundaries, that will support the recovery of all members and if he feels he is not receiving the support he needs he will find a different support group
I wouldn't have a problem in a meeting with somebody sharing childhood trauma in the context of being a member of a family affected by alcoholism. I would have a problem with that member monopolizing the conversations and if there isn't a time limit for shares, perhaps a group conscience meeting call could be sounded on the issue of time limits for shares? To me, it is better if an individual shares their childhood stuff with a sponsor, a therapist or a member open to listening and offering Al-Anon tools that might help the speaker and yet I know that is an ideal and doesn't always happen.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 01:21:44 AM
I agree....have a time limit for shares...this guy could be like, not being able to afford a therapist , maybe this is the only place he has, so just put a limit on time spent on shares........if he was impacted by alcoholism he deserves to be there.......I have had this happen in meets that i go to, I listen, say thank you for the share and , say, after the meet is over, maybe give him some encouragement or something....... i know some stuff is painful to hear, but i figure this program is never going to be easy hearing some kinds of pain, but the room is managed/over seen by one loving higher power as ea. understands it and part of love is to let a person share ==with time limit==== as as all shares shoudl be.........i know alanon was my only place to find love, acceptance, self discovery, had i been unwelcome for some reason b/c of my trauma, who knows?? i might not be alive today.....I know its hard to hear some stuff, but we are in recovery and some stuff, if it is helping him debreif, feel his feelings, maybe someone can suggest his getting a sponsor and guide him on the step work.....the guy obviously needs help, maybe he doesnt' know what else to do but to talk....for me?? talking got out the pain and then i was able to grieve and decide to move on.........just saying......IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
In our meetings, we had a group conscience held after the business meeting and voted to actually time people's shares. You have 3 minutes and then you are asked to graciously let the next person speak. This gives everyone time to share. FYI: this is my large home meeting which averages 35 people on a Friday. Whoever is leading the meetings is responsible for timing the person and we announce before every meeting that you will be timed when you share and that it's not personal.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Those large meetings use to run an hour and a half for me Andromeda and I loved the longer ones cause I got more and it lasted longer. I know that one of the things that has happened along my journey with the person or person(s) who were "stuck" was that someone would volunteer to sponsor the person short term on the format of the meetings and the problems brought into the room with being stuck. Topic meetings are easily disrupted by ranters who "don't get it" right away and keep defocusing the group with their stuckness. I have done the volunteer sponsor service several times and the outcomes differ by how stuck the other member is. Some times they will find another meeting and other times leave the program for a while and sometimes they "get it" and make the necessary change from a "poor me" program to a "full we" one. You can also share with the guy how your life came to change when you found out what "If you LISTEN with an open mind...you will find help". That is within the closing statement of our format and it had a lot to do with the growth I made in my own recovery journey. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I know this is happening with one of my meetings. I just went to another.
I understand stuck! I was so stuck! My friend would say to me 5 mins into the problem now what is the solution!
It took me so long to get unstuck but I was so glad she showed me patience and understanding. I know it was nice to know I had a safe place to go. I am findly in a better place.
I think with gentleness and kindness to have them try to switch their own thinking into healthier ways.
We can become restless, irritable, and unreasonable too!
This is what Alnon is for and to have more experienced people provide wisdom.
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I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
There is a psychotic homeless person that comes to my home group and shares incessantly about HIV. He simply doesn't have the faculties to stay on topic and is obsessed and paranoid on that one subject in every share. Some people have shouted "outside issue" but most now just let him ramble for a bit. Someone stated "maybe that is the only time he ever gets when people listen to him." That made it an exercise in compassion and patience and it made the rest of us better the way we look out for him. It's a group conscious issue though because I do know that the off topic shares do take up time from people that really need and can benefit from people staying on topic.
