Problems with dating a girl in AA - Al-Anon Family Group

johnny · Newbie

Problems with dating a girl in AA

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi johnny and welcome to MIP. First of all, there's not a whole lot of normalcy when it comes to alcoholism. If you have not been to an Al-Anon meeting, please go. Al-Anon is for family and friends of the alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects not only the alcoholic but also the family and friends of the drinker. The behaviors you described are typical of an alcoholic. The disease needs someone to blame and that's you. I certainly understand how you feel crushed. Been there and done that for over 14 years. Please get to Al-Anon and learn how to keep your focus on you. Your girlfriend has her program--AA, now it's time for you to get yours.

Take care of you. Focus on you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Johnny, welcome to MIP. I'm glad that you reached out and shared with such clarity and honesty. Alcoholism is a progressive, incurable disease that can be arrested but never cured. The disease of alcoholism is threefold. It affects the afflicted person physically, emotionally and spiritually. When the drinking stops the physical recovery can begin. Attendance at AA meetings and using the tools provided helps to clear up the negative affects of the disease on the spiritual and emotional being. This process takes time and it is always progress not perfection.

I can very well identify with your experience and your response to such negative character assassinations. It is confusing and overwhelming to be confronted in such a fashion. Learning how to live in a constructive manner with the dregs of this disease is extremely important.

Al-Anon is a fellowship of people who live or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. We connect in face-to-face meetings in order to break the isolation caused by the disease and to support each other as we learn new constructive tools to live by so as we rebuild our self-esteem and self-worth. We learn to live one day at a time, focused on ourselves, responding and not reacting and trusting a higher power in the process.

The hotline number for Al-Anon meetings is found in the white pages and I urge you to attend.

Please keep coming back here as well there is hope and help

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi johnny, welcome to MIP,

I'm not sure it matters that much whether she is a "typical" alcoholic or not. If you have been dating for a short time, it sounds like you are learning some of her character traits, some positive, some negative, just as with you. In my experience, changing another person is futile, so the question I would want to ask myself is whether the joy of her positive traits outweighs the cons of her bad traits. When I was younger I would put up with the kind of behavior you are talking about, however, at this point in my life I love and value myself enough to not put up with it anymore.

Kenny

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I will speak from my experience. My husband and I both work our recovery programs. If either one of us would behave as what you are describing, I would know there are relapses happening...and I am not saying necessarily relapsing into the usage of substances. Relapses in thinking (hence the term stinking thinking smile ) You have a found a great site here, keep coming back!

And I just read Kenny's post...I agree.

-- Edited by PP on Monday 24th of November 2014 09:40:59 AM

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, sounds just like my husband. He was dry(didn't drink) for 15 years in the beginning of our marriage. I walked on eggshells that entire time. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please someone who just couldn't be pleased or happy or whatever, because, get this......it wasn't my responsibility. I believed him when he put it all on me and I took that on and become an emotional dumping ground for all of his crap. I don't do that anymore but it was pure h*ll for many years. My husband did pick up the bottle again, 3-4 years ago and that was when I realized he was an alcoholic, not just a mentally unstable person. I remember going to my first Al Anon meeting thinking that I should have done it long ago.

As others have said, try Al Anon for you. The one thing they will not do in the meetings is tell you how to fix the alcoholic. You can't do that, only they can do that. Since you are dating, didn't mention children, and are relatively new in this relationship, I would hope you are evaluating whether this is how you want to live as long as you guys are together. She is who she is and even with lots of program under her belt, it doesn't sound like it's helped her with the personality issues deep down. I know this is crazy, but I have a lot of friends who are long time AA members who eventually came to Al Anon because they were having such bad relationship issues and personality clashes with family, work, friends, etc. If your girlfriend came from an alcoholic family, she may even benefit from Al Anon herself but you can't make someone go to Al Anon anymore than you can make them go to AA, LOL. Just a thought.

For what it's worth: I remember writing in my journal 5 years into my marriage that I felt my AH(husband) was crushing my soul and breaking my heart. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I became a perfectionist, I wrestled with HIS demons instead of mine. My marriage was an emotional black hole. I would continue to pour life, love, happiness, compassion, joy, compromise, and endless patience into US and it disappeared into the black hole in his heart. I couldn't fill that hole. Only a Higher Power and recovery can do that for someone. It took me a long time to learn that but it meant coming to Al Anon ready and willing to detach from him and help myself. Sending you support and kindness today virtually. HUGS!

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Hi and welcome Johnny

Sorry, I misunderstood your post so am amending my reply. At five years sober, personally I would think what you see is what you get with your gf. Is this the type of relationship you want?

Working on yourself would help you know.

-- Edited by SunshineGirl on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 12:15:57 AM

deacon · Senior Member

Hi Johnny. If you are having any kind of a relationship with a person who is making you feel less of a person, making you doubt your own worth and causing such stress in your life, then you really need to step back and consider. Is her behavior typical of alcoholics? Is her behavior caused by alcoholism? Maybe. Or is this who she is and she is showing you clearly what your future will be like if you stay with her. I have found that people show you who they are early in the relationship and you have to accept that or walk away and find a better fit for you. But what alanon will teach you is that you cannot change another person with wishes or hopes no matter how much you love them- change has to come from within.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I did the egg walking relationship for a long time and it made me afraid of my own shadow and question my sanity daily!Sounds like you are having a big red flag and you should listen to it and stop and think about your boundaries here. I am so glad you found us at MIP. Keep coming back and find some al-anon face to face meetings. Sending you love and support on your journey!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Turn the focus on you. Whether or not it is "typical" behavior for a person 5 years sober is not so crucial. Is it normal or typical to say in the same paragraph that your relationship is "largely normal" and then say also that it's "crushing you"? Which is it? You stated pretty much "It is largely great and no problem, but here is a laundry list of problems that Ive been keeping notes on that are crushing me." If I was having draining arguments like that 5 months into a relationship, it would be a red flag and probably a deal breaker. So what is it about you that wants to focus, diagnose, and evaluate her rather than you and your own boundaries and choices in relationships? That is where Alan on May help you. YOUR behavior is typical of an untreated Alanon qualifier. That much I can say.
I will also say that, even at 5 years into sobriety, some alcoholics still have a lot of issues. Alcoholics tend toward knowitallism and oversensitivity to criticism even after being sober a while. Heck, nonalcoholics have a lot of issues...This might just be her personality and have little to do with alcoholism. Keep coming back and focus on you more than her.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Pink Chip. In Ala non we learn to look at ourselves, not the other person. How or what makes us respond to them the way we do.

Is what we bump heads over worth it. What makes me engage?

Many A's in recovery need to have clear boundaries, keep life simple, they don't want to diviate from things. Helps them to stay in recovery.

I believe from my experience that A's and non A's think very different. Example: why doesn't he come home and ask me how I am? He just says hi and goes to fridge. Isn't he happy to see me?

Most A's don't even think about asking many questions. They just don't. They are on a path and that is how it is.

Plus also we can ask, Well how does it feel to not want to ask questions? He might say I don't know. and honestly, he doesn't.

the simplest things to us, an A does not even ever think about it.

So we look at us. How can we accept them as is and love them. Not try to change them, or expect much from them. Can we learn to say hmmm you might be right and not get real deep about things?

I noticed A's can be very surface like. NOT shallow but they don't seem to be real deep thinkers. In face when they are in rehab they are learning how to examine things and accept things with out taking it personal. Remember too, many A's have very low self esteem.

You would gain lots from going to Al anon meetings, coming here, etc. I hope you come back. Your lady may be well worth your learning some skills and understanding how a relationship can work with an A.

I compromised a lot when I was blessed with my husband. He was well worth it. (c: I never sacrificed as that is not being true to yourself.

welcome!!!!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. To me, the first 3 months of a relationship is generally the honeymoon period - the time when both people wear masks for a bit and/or are chemically attracted to each other. I don't trust those months much when building a relationship. When we enter into the next months in a relationship, the masks begin to come off little by little in my experience. Then, I am better able to evaluate whether or not the relationship is to be friendly, friendlier, romantic or thanks for the memories. I've saved myself a lot of headaches and heartaches following the this rule of thumb following my divorce. Being married and divorced once to and from an A, a romantic relationship with another one would always be out of the question for me. Not worth it to me to take that risk again.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 24th of November 2014 06:07:50 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 25th of November 2014 12:46:50 AM

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember the walking on eggshell feeling in my relationship. I think I focused on it because I could not label the behavior. Once I could label the behavior it helped me to refocus on my boundaries. In my case, the walking on eggshell feeling was the first sign of emotional abuse. It was extremely confusing and traumatic just because I didn't have the awareness to understand what I was dealing with. Now if I got that feeling, I would have to end the relationship. I can no longer tolerate it.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Johnnie

I agree with PP, seems to me if she is acting out ike this treating you so badly, she is either on the cusp of relapse, OR she is not working the steps and slogans which talk about she , if she is working her program, needs to keep the focus on herself....to assassinate another's character means she is not looking at her own shortcomings....she would rather bash you then face herself.....not a healthy response

i am glad you showed up in alanon...alanon will teach you how to take care of you , set boundaries and how to keep the focus on you and your recovery....i hope you can find some meetings in your area so you can hang out with healthier folks who are working their program....alanon will teach you how to detach from the other and their behaviour and be happy within you....wether this relationship lasts for not, i am glad to see you here reaching out to take care of you....we have good online meets here as well.....meetings help one stay level and focused on themselves.....U cannot change her, that is her job..you will never control her or cure her, but you can help you.....please keep coming back.....IN SUPPORT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.