The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife is in rehab at the moment and it is hard. I was the only one working in our house, and now I have adopted the role of single parent to 3 kids. Life inside our home has been typical alcoholic hell for years now. I was very excited when she entered rehab, it was voluntary and a true first step. Since she has been there, the communication with her and staff has been inconsistent. Lately, she has been ignoring me completely, only reaching out to the kids. She still tries to control their study habits and activities through emails and calls. I have discussed this with her counselor who agrees that she should be more internally focused while there.
However, tonight she called, the kids were asleep. She was mean and nasty and everything she used to be at home, now with no alcohol, she ended the call by hanging up on me. I could hear that she is disappointed that I haven't reached out to her, that I haven't been super supportive throughout this process. I wish I could be but I just can't, I don't have the strength for it. I can't pretend that everything is going to be okay and that I am 100% behind her. The truth is that I have pulled myself away from her. I hate the memories of it all, I hate what I put up with for years, I hate that my kids were a part of this. I should have been stronger for me, so I would have been stronger for those around me. I hate that I allowed the lies and hate that she spouted damage my soul and kept me stationary. What a waste of time all that was.
I am trying to heal just as much as she is. I am using all of my strength to physically juggle my schedule with 3 teen schedules, and 3 teens emotions. I still get up and go to work, just stranger hours (someone has to pay for rehab). I cannot take on her problems any more.
I have written the letter below. Please let me know if any of you have experience with communicating with a spouse in rehab. Is this letter something I can send? She has to know how I feel for once.
I don't want to derail her. I also don't want to allow this behavior to go on.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Letter
Everything that I ever wanted to say to you about your drinking, I have held inside, for far too many years. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't control that, that is my unhealthy coping mechanism. I worked hard to keep your secret to try and protect you and to minimize the inconvenience that your drinking had become. An absurd idea. I would go as far as to tell the kids not to confront you when they wanted to confront you about your drinking. I am ashamed of that. I neglected my children and myself. I put your needs first because of love and I was desperate for that love to return.
When your secret got out, I was terrified. Now I don't know why. I cannot explain the behavior that I maintained for so long. What was I trying to protect? The only thing that I protected was the chaos that was our home. That life was not normal.
Your voice sounds good on the phone. It is most definitely sober, which is new. However, your conversation is old, and it scares the hell out of me. You still demoralize me, tell me you are now surrounded by "smart people", "real adults", "people that can listen to you", and people that are "exactly like" you and now you realize that you "weren't that bad". This is why I don't want to talk to you. I feel like my insides are splitting after hearing this. You have always gone for the jugular with me. You have always capitalized on each and every thing you could that you knew would hurt me the worst. I'm stupid, disgusting, sloven, incompetent, horrible person, immature, embarrassing, hated by my kids, hated by everyone in your family, and hated by everyone I have ever known. You delivered these words not just to me, but to anyone that would listen. You wield your words like a blade and swing them wildly until they find a home. Once you are satisfied with the damage, you either pass out or hang up on me, like you did tonight. You may or may not remember what was said the next day, either way, you never acknowledge it.
I have grown into this non-emotional being that I am. I can't get angry anymore because it has no impact on you, other than fueling your fire. Yet, I still feel every bit of your assault. All of it, I always have. I allowed it to seep out into my heart and manifest itself in my behavior. It is the cause of my anxiety, agitation, lack of self confidence, stress, and frequent migraines.
Now the biggest assault. You refuse to apologize for any of it, anything you have done or said, or for anything that is going on right now. Even after everyone knows about your secret, you still cannot apologize. Can you even imagine if our roles were reversed in all of this? What if I acted the way you have acted for all of these years. If I drank every day, if I wrecked cars and hit you, if I berated you for hours until I decided I had enough, if I only looked at you in disgust, if I never touched you, if I never spoke a nice word to you ever, if all I did was complain that you should be someone different (and give specific examples), if I used our children against you as weapons, if I went to rehab and accepted none of the blame, none of the pain, and tried to pass it all back on to you.
I won't do this again, I refuse to accept any of this anymore.
You have been able to fake a smile for every other person for years, then you would take it out on me when you were at home. You are trying the same thing now. Get to the bottom of this while you can. You are there, you have tools, you have focus on you, use it all. Get to the root of this. It didn't start with me. You are lying to yourself and to everyone that cares about you if you only act like you are making progress. You are in control of your life and I am in control of mine. If you feel bad right now, it is your issue, not mine. Deal with it. Don't call me and treat me like crap, so I can feel it too. Take responsibility for your actions and how they affect other people for once. You have no idea how dramatic my life has changed becoming a single parent. You also don't care. However, I care enough to do it for you so you can get help.
I cannot call you and be the support you need right now. You have counselors and "smart", "real", peers that are there for you. All of the energy that I can pull together goes to the kids. Their world is upside down right now and I am making sure that at least I will be a constant. I have so much to make up to them, for letting this go on for so long.
Do not call me like you did tonight again. If you are mad, handle it, it's not my fault or my problem. If you are willing to accept the fact that you created that situation that you are in, if you can put someone else's feelings ahead of your own, and if you can apologize to me and mean it, then please call me.
I miss the caring person you used to be. If you find her again that is who I need to talk to. That is the person that is capable of being loved and giving love. I love her. I have lived this way, because I hoped that one day she would come back.
MooseWork Welcome to MIP . This is indeed a powerful, honest and well-written expression of your inner pain and disappointment. I can so identify with all that you have written and understand the tools that you chose to use in order to deal with alcoholism in your home.
You are not alone. We who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism understand as few others can. We too become lonely,frustrated and irritated without even knowing it.
I liked the idea that you are drawing a boundary going forward and are willing to protect yourself from her verbal assaults. This letter said exactly how you felt and what you thought and you did not say it mean . Congratulations
Alcoholism is a dreadful,, progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. We didn't cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. I believe that looking for compassion and understanding from a person, in rehab who is attempting to recover from this disease is a waste of your precious time and energy.
Many times the rehab will have family counseling visits in which the significant other is requested to attend and explain exactly how alcoholism has affected them. At this session there are usually counselors from the rehab available and it is a safe environment to discuss these issues. I would check with the rehab and see if there are plans for just such a session and then deliver this letter at that meeting.
You did not mention if you if found Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community. Al-Anon is a fellowship of members who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. In order to break the isolation caused by this disease and to develop new constructive tools to live by, we connect at face-to-face meetings. These meetings help us to solve our common problems. We learn to keep the focus on ourselves, live one day at a time, to act instead of react and to reclaim our self-esteem and self-worth. I urge you to search out the meetings as the hotline number is in the white pages.
In addition please keep coming back here and sharing the journey. There is hope and help
Welcome to MIP. I wholeheartedly agree with Betty. You and your family need support and recovery, too. Al anon and al ateen can help restore all of you to sanity...prayers and blessings
Welcome! I'm fairly new here so I don't have much to offer, however you are not alone. Your letter made me cry becauseImany of the emotions expressed in it I feel and have often been too scared to share with my AH...instead I blow up and all kinds of negative stuff comes out...anyway - hoping you and your wife can get some counseling together, where you can both share your feelings and concerns. Praying for you and glad you are here! If you haven't already found a face to face meeting, try one...they are life changing :)
She's dry and not sober. The disease continues its self-destructive path until its host begins a recovery program in earnest. It is important for you to write that letter and to get on to paper how you feel and how you're thinking. I agree with Betty that giving it to your wife would better be accomplished if and when rehab staff request it. Al-Anon will help you gain the support you need to heal from the ways this disease has affected you and Alateen for the teens would be a great help too.
I can't be emotionally supportive of another person without first being emotionally supportive of myself. The disease beats us up so badly we need the help the others who have been there to be there with and for us as we do what is right for us and for our children. Glad you're here. Hope you'll find an Al-Anon meeting sooner than later for your own sake. It's a miserable disease and you are deserving and worthy of its antidote which you won't find now with or from your sick wife. Keep coming back here, too.
I had many years, even with al anon, when I thought I was "fine"...I came to know when I react intensely to something, I need to take a closer look at me. I talk with another person in recovery, go to a meeting, read al anon literature, etc. I take my inventory, ask myself, HALT (am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and try to unravel the experience to find why I was triggered. Good for you for taking action to go to meetings and get your kiddos involved in counseling. Working full time and raising teenagers is monumental...give yourself much credit for doing what you are doing.
I used to work in a rehab as a counselor. My suggestion is this: Send that letter, but call her counselor first and read it to him/her. Process it with the counselor on your own and then maybe a family session or have the counselor read it with her. I do think that it is a good idea to send that letter while she is IN rehab and surrounded by support and counselors. That way she is less likely to just go off and drink and she can process more of it.
Similarly, I would keep expectations low because she's still just a giant baby inside who has only been sober a few days/weeks. She assuredly will have a defensive reaction and you can expect that. She is a sick person and you will only see glimmers of wellness with increasing time/amounts as she stays sober (if she stays sober).
Also, there is the chance that there has been too much damage done. You don't know what feelings have been underlying this drinking for so many years. Outwardly, it might seem she expresses feelings pretty clearly and expresses them too much. However, the fact is, she is like an emotional retard and can't handle or express the slightest of her feelings in an appropriate way. Also, she is surrounded by people "just like" her right now. They are all emotionally crippled and they bond over it and talk about their crappy spouses who don't understand them and blah blah blah...Again, it takes a year or two at least and some real world sober functioning while going to lots of AA for them to really start seeing the big picture.
Hence, you have 1 grown up and one fumbling woman/child trying to communicate in a constructive fashion. So yeah...it will take several months or even years to really grow into the person she is supposed to be. Also, it wont be the "old her" that you get back if she does stay sober. It will be a recovery version. Evidently she didn't really like the "old her" very much either or she wouldn't have drank that person away. So my suggestion is to forget about the "old her" and get ready for a "recovery her" that may or may not be someone you are compatible with. Similarly, she may find that sober her is not compatible with you either. One day at a time.
I FULLY support the way you stated your boundaries and expressed yourself in that letter. It was wonderfully written. I am only writing this to share what I know about how an alcoholic and one in super early recovery/rehab will probably respond. I know I still acted like a selfish little sh#t for over a year into recovery at least. In that way, you will be best served by alanon tools to just step out of the way...call the behavior inappropriate, disengage, detach and then let her continue to learn how to be a sober grown up. Her recovery is not on your timeline. It's on hers and her higher power's.
Your marriage may or may not work out. You are not going to force a solution with this letter. You are expressing what your boundaries are and that is good. In the meanwhile, get to work on you so that you will no longer be that person that accepts garbage for a marriage and mistreatment. Work on you so you can raise your self esteem. You are going to be okay with or without her.
Hi MooseWork and welcome to MIP. You have found a bunch of caring and compassionate people who know your pain. Your letter is well written with clear boundaries. You also took good inventory of yourself. Now do something for yourself. Get to some Al-Anon meetings. Most of us who have lived with alcoholism don't realize how sick we also have become. This is because over years of living with alcoholism we adapted and evolved to become what our alcoholics needed. We became enablers without realizing it. Al-Anon can help you break this vicious cycle. You cannot help your wife, but you can help yourself. As you said in your letter, you are responsible for you.
Al-Anon can help you learn how to focus on you. Please keep coming back here.
The program works if you work it!
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Aloha Moose and welcome to MIP...I also was a therapist working in a large multi-level rehab and letter like yours were looked forward to by the therapist and widely supported by other families in family group. She would sit across the room from you that she would have to face you and listen and she would have to remain in her chair and be silent and not respond or react. The family members as yourself had voices that needed to be heard expressing thoughts, feelings and perceptions along with expectations real or unreal.
I hope you get that chance and if you can make it happen...do so. If they allow your kids into family group with their own expressions that should happen also. The alcoholic and addict need every opportunity to face the reality of the disease in their and the family's life. These are how "bottoms" are and come to be. No there are no guarantees other than if she continues to drink it will get worse...for her. The family does not need to suffer. Suffering is optional; a choice that in recovery we have better alternatives to.
Welcome to MIP...there is a good handful of guys here with good recovery to give away for no other reason than we know it worked for us and it may also for you as you choose. Al-Anon and MIP are choices just as AA is for the alcoholic. You must know that there have been many many times where and when the alcoholic got sober and the family member remained sick and got sicker because they chose not to see help. That doesn't have to happen for you...if you choose you can get much better and get some of the many miracles we have in recovery and you have to choose to work it because it works when you work it.
We have an abbreviation of all twelve steps broken down into three which are "Trust God"..."Clean House"..."Help Others". First step comes now..."Trust God"
Thank you for your honesty, you have expressed so many things that I find it hard to express but that I too have felt.
I know that I have been very confused by my husband's inability to apologise. I feel frustration when he continues to moan and belittle. I too write letters to him, I find it is a good way to move my resentments out regardless of whether or not I actually give him the letter. ( have yet to give him a letter though).
It sounds to me as though your world has been royally turned upside down as well. I ask myself 'who is caring for Moosework?' I expect that I do that because I asked myself the same question. One of the good lessons that I have learnt through my husband's alcoholism is that sometimes I need to put my needs first and that working on my own recovery, the restoration of my ability to feel, my enthusiasm for life et al is important for me and also for the people that I interact with. As my husband's sobriety continues (just over a year so far) I find that I am feeling grief and a bit of self-pity about the years that I lost, the hugs that I didn't get etc etc. I did not feel these things while he was drinking because my attention was on the drink. It is confusing, but I view it as a process that I have to go through and I celebrate the gradual return of my feelings, whether they are good or bad. At least I am able to feel them again.
When I'm angry or disappointed I try to do something lovely for myself. I imagine the young girl I used to be and think about what she liked to do, and then I do it. It is irritating to have to rebuild myself, but for me it is worth the effort. Oh, and I forgive myself for having put up with all the drunken rubbish for so long as well - I did it for generous reasons and that was then. I'm proud of myself now because I know that I won't do it again!
Once again, thank you for your post - I have learnt from what you have said and also from the replies of others here as well. Today I am grateful for you.
I've been right where you are at. Wife went in to rehab, I was stuck still working with a teenage son. I was supposed to do a few things for her while she was in rehab, such as pay a traffic ticket that she had gotten before she was picked up for her DUI. I told her I would do it, but it slipped my mind, and really didn't matter since her license was gone for a year. But she got upset that I forgot about it.
She also gave me some reasons why she drank. I had no problem with that though, since I knew that she had been working hard in rehab trying to uncover her problems, and get to emotional sobriety. However, she gave it to me in a pretty mean way, and upset our whole family day. I was trying to decide what to do about it when she called to apologize, one of the counselors enlightened her as to who owns what problems.
So, I believe that you are right, she should be in there working on her own problems. In fact, many people complain that there spouses are working on themselves too hard in rehab, and have no energy left for them. It seems to me like your wife hasn't left the outside world and started participating in finding out what is going on inside her.
I encourage your letter. Have no expectations from it, but state the boundaries and enforce them. If you are working your butt off just keeping the family together on the outside, you don't need any more energy expended on "supporting" her, however she defines that at this point. She has all the support she needs right inside the four walls of her facility, if she chooses to take advantage of it.
Thank you very much for reading this and taking the time to give your input. I am grateful for your words and your kindness. I promise to pay this forward.
I have written the letter, but have not sent it. It stays in my coat pocket for now.
When I allow myself the time to think about sending it, it usually coincides with some other crisis that has just begun. It is truly amazing the damage that this disease leaves in it's wake. My children are processing this pain in their own way, and it seems like lately they are all going through some of the more difficult phases. I see this as a gift though. I get to be the one that holds them and talks them through this and lets them know they are truly loved. They are my motivation. They are wonderful kids, who have sustained all of this, they are so strong. Now they are starting to learn that they don't need to be strong alone.
I don't know what is going to happen to my wife and I, but my family will get through this. We are stronger than before.
I hope that you and everyone you love find peace during this Holiday Season, and somehow find a way to hold onto it for a while longer.
Thank you again for all of your support. I am very happy to have found this site.
Hi Joe. I appreciate your honesty. The letter was good. My 3 kids have kept me going over the years. They keep me busy, which keeps my mind off my problems with my AH. Focusing on them and their well being will help you get through this. Also, take care of yourself so you can take care of the kids! Teens are challenging, I know. Sounds like you're doing a great job.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Great reminder!!!!