The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, things have taken a turn in my own mind and I really need to re-evaluate what is going on right now. I was determined to end my marriage and file for divorce right after the holidays. We're having some financial struggles right now and it's really putting things into perspective over where I will be financially when I am on my own. My son just turned 16 two weeks ago and he will finish high school in 2.5 years.
I have no plan. That's pretty much what I realized. At least, not one that is concrete. Other than selling the house and negotiating with AH over the proceeds and figuring out what I can get out of the divorce financially, I really don't have a true plan. No job prospects, no resume written, etc. Still waiting for that part time contractual position to fall into place because my friend is dragging her feet getting the USB and packet of writings ready for me to start publishing for her, etc.
Our house value has gone down $40K in the past 6 months. I was kinda counting on that as part of my income for the next 2 years.
Oh, and AH is now being normal and helpful and communicative AGAIN, which throws me into complacency and thinking, "Well, it's not that bad. At least he's not being passive aggressive, critical, sarcastic, etc, etc...." And, I start thinking that I can live like this just a little bit longer. GAH!!! What is wrong with me?
AND, to really throw a mess into things, AH's brother just went into the hospital yesterday back in MD for a heart problem. Docs think he needs a pacemaker. He's a single guy, overweight and already having trouble with diabetes and high blood pressure, and he is 51 years old. Never been married, not working currently, he manages the family's estate money (he's a finance guy with 2 masters degrees but hasn't worked for 2 years now, go figure), and lives alone. AH was just out there visiting 2 weeks ago and expressed concern for his brother when he came back. His older sister called yesterday and told us what's going on and now AH is thinking of going back to MD to help out or to assist his brother after the surgery. Not that this is a big deal, but it does throw me into a position of wanting to wait to decide anything out of respect for him and for his family issues, if that makes sense.
Anyhoo.....I know we can't go on like this forever. I know it's dysfunctional. Yet, I also know the grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side. I have a lot to think about but I know for a fact that right now, I must work on a budget. I have to really get down to nickels and dimes and see exactly where I will be financially when all the debts are paid, what I really am paying for groceries right now especially since my son is gluten free, and where I can cut costs in the future. I've done some minor write ups of these things for informational purposes only, but I don't think I've ever really put effort into it and I think that will give me a better picture of what my life MAY look like in the future.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I have come to the point I don't think I will ever move on. My partner is a roommate that will pay the rent and I will take care of everything else. He has his life and I have mine. He is too lazy for my liking but I have tried and tried to make it different and it's not going to happen. I will either have a house his way or I clean and have it my way. I have let it go for now. I get mad and want to change but I won't.....I don't want to be alone. If I continue to stay in this relationship I'm going to have to except it for what it is because I CAN"T CHANGE HIM....only me and I don't want to change me. I'm lazy too....and scared to make a change.
We can only take it one day at a time and when we feel that defeat, anger and resentment we have to know it's because we not changing our lives...
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Yep, so true Cathy! If I had a job and my son was on his own, I think I'd feel differently, though.
Of course, I asked AH today how his brother after he got off the phone with him and AH's response was, "He's in the HOSPITAL!" "Umm, yes, dear, I know that. I was just curious as to how he was holding up, how is his spirit?"
In reality, my response was actually going to be, "No sh*t, sherlock!" UGH!!!! Too bad I have a whole lot of program in me, LOL!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Um - did I write this post? Except for the brother-in-law, this could me me. Exactly. Others have advised me, so I'll pass it along, that you should think about seeing a divorce lawyer for informational purposes, to find out what you should be doing. You don't have to commit to that person, but just have a consultation to get the low-down. I'm finding there's a fine line between living One Day At A Time, and preparing for what comes next. But finances are one place you can start doing some planning and find it empowering to start thinking about the future. In the meantime, I guess you can be thankful for the break from the chaos.
Southerngirl! Hi how are you? I have a lawyer already lined up and have met with others over the past few months. I just haven't filed yet. Preparing for the future while living ODAT is key, LOL! So very true!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Just for me sister this post reminds me of two slogans my early passed sponsor gave me that are still in my tool box. "When in doubt....don't" and the other "Don't react"!! My sponsor's name was Don T so remembering the slogans was easy...cause he was in them both. I am reminded also of the lessons about choosing because I didn't know much about the subject...therefore the slogans. I use to react most often and always had doubt and therefore was always in troubling consequences or the insanity of doing the same thing over and over again and just expecting different results. He taught me to figure out the consequence I wanted before making the choice and then working to get that consequence rather than leaning on luck. Thank God for sponsors....what does yours say? (((((hugs)))))
It sounds as if you are becoming clearer and more focused on the details which I am sure is all part of the process. Who knows, it may take 2.5 years to get everything in order, and in that time you may have started a job and have your own income, it may take a while to sell the house and house prices may rise, and who else knows what will have happened by that time. I know when I decided to divorce my A, I turned up at the lawyer and said, "I'm ready!" And they handed me a big stack of paperwork to fill out, and that took a month to track down all the financial details and everything, and then some osbtacle happened, I don't even remember what, and I had to get a new stack of paperwork and fill it all out again ... in other words it's not instant no matter what. (In my case I put it off for various reasons, and now I have to go get the stack of paperwork again and start over...)
So maybe the process of looking at things with a critical eye and thinking about income is one of the necessary stages, and you are carefully walking down the road to full independence, and you are exactly where you should be right now. Hugs!
Thanks everyone! Jerry and Mattie, both your shares really spoke to me. I keep thinking that people will judge me if I don't end this soon, because so many folks know I've sat on the fence forever. It's not that I'm sitting there anymore, it's about making sure I'm not forcing solutions. Like Jerry said, I need to figure out the consequences and really know what I'm getting myself in to, the best that I can with the information I have before me. I can't predict the future, but I can plan for financial barriers, setbacks, etc and try to make sure I have a plan b, for instance.
Thanks, Mattie, for reminding me that I am right where I need to be. I needed that today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Andromeda, when I think other people may be judging me for something I may or may not be doing, I'm remind myself that it's not my business what other people may think of me. I need to do what I know is best for me.
Take one day at a time.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Cloudyskies, I love that saying. I know that, in my heart, it only matters what I want for myself and not what others want or think is best for me. I am terrible at making decisions, LOL, and I think that's a huge part of it for me.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
You made a great decision when you opted for recovery and if you look more closely, you will see you have made loving, effective decisions for your son.
I have read this post before and loved the ESH given here, but didn't know how to reply, but today it really spoke to me! I like reading you are right where you need to be right now and what others think about you is none of your business. Whenever I am uncertain I stop and not react these days, my reactions before usually made everything messier and I relearned that lesson recently with a class I dropped and am now retaking with a harder instructor. I am glad you are taking your time and working your program every step of the way! Sending you love and support sister friend!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Good days and bad days with my recovering AH. I never know which person he's going to be. However, I have the choice to be who I want to be thanks to Al Anon. I know I have not made good decisions, so Steps One and Three allow me to turn it over to God and his decisions are much better than mine.
It seems you are making rational and spiritually based choices, but I also think you know that there will never be a good time to get divorced and it will involve some leap of faith regarding finances and the future no matter what. Life is never going to stop for you to get divorced...for him or you. When the time is right, you will know. You will need that independence and freedom from him more than any risks involved.
