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Post Info TOPIC: My daughter has cut us out of her life


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My daughter has cut us out of her life


Several years ago my daughter( now 24 yrs old) entered college. She soon met a young man through friends. Her life gradually spiraled out of control. We came to realize that she was willingly addicted to what we began to see was a toxic , abusive, relationship involving drugs and physical abuse. Long story short. We tried an intervention this past summer. We told her we would no longer provide support, car, cell phone, Visa as long as she remained in this bad situation. She chose the abusive relationship and has completely cut us out of her life. We don't have any communication with her. We only know she is alive because she comments on  social  media that mutual friends can see. She has blocked all access to us however. as we tried to locate her we discovered that the young mans family ( who we have never met), has also blocked us. We soon realized the entire family is steeped in a drug addicted lifestyle. His father has even named himself the " President of Bonnaroo" A festival that the entire family attends each year. He is even on YouTube under that name " performing" in the parking lot. They have supplied my daughter with amphetamines and LSD. 

Everyone says we did the right thing. We told her she is loved and always welcome home when she is ready to get well. My heart is broken though. I am terrified for her and wish we had acted sooner. She was just so secretive. Looking back though I can see there were signs that I just missed. I pray for strength and I'm trying concentrate on the rest of my family and my son and husband. Some days though I can hardly function. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello, Carolann: One of the things I've learned about active addicts is this: What is going on in their heads at all times has to do with getting their fix. That's it. The addiction is interested in us only if we give it money, drugs, or something else to keep its destructive desires going. With an addict, it truly doesn't matter what we do or don't do when the addiction is operative. The addiction is king and only the host can decide to keep feeding it or get help. You didn't cause this. You can't control it. You can't cure it. What you can do is to reach out like you have and also find Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings to attend in your area to find help and support for yourself. Drug addiction, alcoholism destroys everyone in its path if it is allowed. You can't save your daughter. That's up to her Higher Power, her and other recovering addicts. You can save yourself.

One of my sibs got addicted to drugs as a teen that probably got triggered after heavy drugs prescribed following surgery. Nobody could reach him. He was a terror to my parents and to my sibs who still lived at home. He tells the story of going to a party and seeing some things that scared him so badly, he left the party and left the lifestyle. To my knowledge, he hasn't used drugs for more than 40 years.

What we can't do, HP can do in ways that are unpredictable and unexpected. There is an Al-Anon suggestion to: Get off their backs. Get out of their ways. Give them to God. Get on with your life. You've done 3 of those action steps. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon can help you start on the 4th.
Keep coming back here, too.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Thank you for your reply and encouragement Grateful2be. My therapist has also suggested I attend alanon meetings. I will. I envision going through all the Kleenex in the room and not being able to put 2 sentences together (kind of like my first few sessions with my therapist) but I know I'm ready now. I'm ready to begin a new normal way of living. I'm learning in therapy to compartmentalize my life. I have to remember to breathe, pray for my daughter and then tuck her away into Gods care. Then I can make an about face and embrace the love and blessings that are alive and well in my life. My friends and family deserve my full attention and smiling face instead of the heartbroken version of me they have been seeing lately.

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~*Service Worker*~

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The nice thing about meetings is that no talk is perfectly acceptable.  Just sitting quietly, listening and drinking in the peace of that hour is enough.  If it takes you a year to be willing to speak, we are very open to that.  We've been there and in some ways are still there.  It takes courage to find your chair in the room and most of us know the courage it takes to first walk through the door.  We expect nothing of a newcomer and we won't put you on the spot.  We also have Kleenex available at every meeting.  One of the great things about Al-Anon meetings for me was:  "Whom you see here.  What you hear here.  Let it stay here."  My confidence has never been violated and I've never felt the need to speak when I don't want to speak.  Some of the folks in my home group used to joke that so many of us are best friends and we don't even know each other's last names.  It is an anonymous program and it is a gentle program.  I'm glad you're going to take this step and walk into a meeting near you. 



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome to this community, Carolann. My 27 year old alcoholic daughter has also cut me out of her life. I haven't talked to her for months and have only seen her once this past year. This is her choice. Two things that have helped me cope: I go to Al-Anon meetings for parents to get experience, strength and hope; and I live by these words that I heard at one of these meetings: "Her rejection is God's protection" I truly believe that my HP is protecting my heart from seeing her spin out of control and make bad decisions. This is her journey, not mine. She is an adult now and I am not her HP. I try to keep the focus on me and work on my serenity. It's hard to look the other way when your child is making poor decisions- I understand your feelings. Sending you a big hug and lots of support.

GE

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Thank you for the welcome Green Eyes. I can tell you that the words, " Her rejection is God's protection" have a very real meaning for me also. The incredible mood swings we experienced from our daughter for the last couple of months she was home were very unpleasant. I attributed the mood swings to school. She was earning a degree in Biology (which she dropped out of with only one semester left). I assumed it was a tough course of study but looking back I realize it was the drugs, the abuse and pressure from the boyfriend and trying to lead a double life that was taking its toll on her. She began to demonstrate bursts of anger, then tears than back to anger. I do feel in all honesty that perhaps we were in need of protection certainly from having to watch her downward spiral but I dare say maybe even protection of our own safety.
Thank you also for the Hugs and support. I'm sending hugs to you and thank you for sharing your strength and experience with me. I pray our daughters will come to understand that they are loved and that they have the power to chose healthy relationships but certainly in the mean time we will be thankful for the goodness that remains in our lives and concentrate on those things.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Carolann

I think you did the only sensible thing u could do...leave her to her own devices and HOPEFULLY she will fall lhard enough to get herself in recovery.....i mean what else can ya do???  nothing

you didn't cause this

you will never control this

you will never cure this..

those are the 3 C's of us keeping in our own business and letting the addict to their own devices.....yea, she is going to cut you out b/c her gravy train has ended...u quit enabling her  , i applaud you for that b/c that wasn't easy, I know.....

I am glad u came to alanon...alanon meetings are the best...we learn we are not alone and there are others in same situation who can guide us to right action which is to take care of ourselves and let the others do the same...IF she wants to get help and help herself, that would be different, but it seems she is not ready for recovery....this behaviour will only take you down.....you had to put some distance to protect you.....tough love is hard , but oh so necessary......

I am so sorry to see another parent w/drug/drinking children....mine take a sip and thats about it....Some other moms and dads i am sure will weigh in on your post and NO..you did the RIGHT..the ONLY thing you could have done to preserve your own sanity........

keep coming back...this program works...........IN SUPPORT



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



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Thank you for your kind words and support Neshema2. I can already see that Alanon will be my lifesaver through this time and likely beyond. I see how these principals are important to put into practice not just in the big tragic things but also in the smaller nagging "bumps" in the road that we all encounter.
As for me the not knowing anything about my daughter, if she is well, is she alive or suffering or even where she is was becoming my undoing so to speak. But now I'm learning to call it my gift from God. My goal is to shift my thoughts immediately to God and His goodness every time I feel the anxiety over my daughter rising up inside. Tough love is aptly named, it is tough. It's tough on everybody involved but I'm praying it's what saves all of our lives.

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Welcome Carolann...my mother's heart hurts for you and your daughter.  I am glad to hear you will be attending meetings.  I hope you can find some peace, soon.  Blessings...



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Paula



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Thank you for the welcome and the kind words Paula.

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