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Post Info TOPIC: I thought it was over


Senior Member

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I thought it was over


i'm so mad right now.

Two months ago, my AH was diagnosed with mild acute pancreatitus.  He had a 4 hour IV flush three days in a row.  Two visits to the ER for hallucinations while he detoxed.  He got his labs back a couple of days ago, and he's super-lucky.  Everything back to normal, no liver damage, and this should not affect him long-term.

He told me he was done.  That the thought of drinking made him sick.  That he might, maybe, later on, have a beer with dinner or something.  And I foolishly hoped and believed and saw all the positive changes.  Despite the awfulness, I thought this was a blessing in disguise.  

I just found a small bottle of vodka in his closet.  He's out getting a CT scan to make sure his pancreas is ok and back to normal, and he's still drinking.  

The worst part is, because I went back to my old habits of not respecting his privacy, I can't even confront him about it.  I snooped in his closet, and if I say anything he'll know.  Hell, he'll probably deny the whole thing, say they're old bottles.  

I am furious and powerless and don't know what to do.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Spider You are not alone and this does sound exactly like the disease I know. I suggest that you pick up your alanon tools once again, call your alanon friends, make a meeting, recite the serenity prayer , read alanon literature , and check out the on line meeting here tonight.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain again and will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Spidey,

Rry to hear about this. You are indeed powerless - except over you. Agree with Betty on this. I hope you can get to some meetings, or attend online here. And contemplate what you think the consequences would be for this.

Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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Don't know what to do...for me when I even think I'm getting to that point I'm hand in hand with my HP, our literature, my sponsor, a meeting and an inventory like you just did now.  When we acknowledge that we can't Cure it...the last of the 3Cees, it also means we won't cure ourselves from our addiction reaction...all we really do is learn alternatives to behaviors that didn't work.  If you had done an alternative...how would it have turned out?   Put away the mallet sister it can and will happen until we practice the alternatives more.  You're forgiven...got had...and still are forgiven.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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I understand. When I lived with my AH there were many times I thought he was done drinking. What I came to realize is alcoholism is a life long disease. There will most likely be surprises around every corner. I decided I couldn't take the risk of living with this disease anymore. The A will drink when it doesn't make any sense to us. They can be at death's door and still want another drink. In Al anon I learned to focus on myself and how I was going to deal with the lies and manipulation that comes along with this disease. It's a difficult challenge to live with alcoholism....in my opinion. You are not alone.

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Living life one step at a time



Newbie

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Hi spider,

I can so relate to what you wrote.. I have been in that place for a long long time .. only now with the help of Alanon I can accept what I cant change... I feel we end up expecting from the wrong people.. I still cant understand why we expect alcoholics who are not in recovery to behave any different?? that is our disease isn't it?? expecting a different result from same actions over and over again.. the idea is to break free from that insanity and keep the focus on ourselves.. just like our HP is there for us, A's have their own HP to take them thru their journey..

After innumerable incidents and heartbreaks I have come to conclude that I am so very powerless over my loved one's addiction but can surely work on mine that is my A with the help of this wonderful program and you all..

spider, you will be in my prayers.. lots love and peace

P

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~*Service Worker*~

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Stop playing the game. Right when you mentioned him saying the part of "maybe I can have a beer with dinner one day" I knew he was bound for relapse with 100 percent certainty. That is the ever present delusion of someone that is still in active addict mode "One day I will be able to drink like a normal person." Step one for us alcoholics involves a deep surrender and admission of powerlessness and with that, a knowledge that we will NEVER be able to drink like a normal person again ever! 99.9 percent of people with alcoholism that severe do not just "stop" drinking. It would take a colossal effort within AA - probably going to daily meetings and working his butt off with a sponsor EVERY SINGLE DAY to stay sober. Until you see that, assume it's all BS and games.

Obviously you want and hope for a sober husband, and I know it's a difficult and heart wrenching situation, but this is how alcoholism and recovery work in my experience. You understanding that will help your alanon program so you can detach and really deal with what is rather than so much what you want it to be.

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~*Service Worker*~

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((((Hugs)))) Spider, I'm so sorry to hear that you are in this situation.

I agree with Pinkchip - a week ago, after thirteen months without a drink, I heard my husband say the 'maybe one day' phrase. Ouch - it was only words and hopefully AH also heard himself, but it is telling none the less. He may or may not drink again, today he isn't.

The Big difference is my feelings about it. If I find myself falling back into the need to check, not trusting, feeling fearful of AH, obsessing about him then I will make changes. Today I am not doing any of those things. The BIGGEST difference is that my thinking is about me and how I am feeling, not about what AH is or isn't going to do.

I sometimes find that feeling guilty about doing something like snooping really clouds my judgement which is a bore, because we do need our wits about us! We can't unknown what we know which is why I find staying in the moment really helps me. Take care of you lovely Spider, you don't deserve all this worry.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Yeah, I too, have heard the 'one day I'll be able to drink like the rest of society' lines. Hugs, Spider! I know how this feels to some degree and the disease starts to rear it's ugly head in both partners. Stay close to your program, call a friend, and refocus your energy on YOU.

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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I always figure, if they're not in a formal program of recovery and working it seriously, they will drink.

Even if they're in a formal program of recovery, the chances are 75-85% that they will not achieve longterm sobriety.  Statistically speaking.

That's how powerful addicton is.

Not that it doesn't hurt incredibly.  But when your A chose not to go into formal recovery, he chose relapse. 

They typically think they can do it on their own.  Willpower may be enough to tough it out for a day or two.  But if they could just decide to quit, it wouldn't be alcoholism, would it?  It would be tiddlywinks or something like that.

Take very good care of yourself.  I know it's devastating.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Today's a new day, Spider. I hope you've found your sea legs again and regained your strength and your serenity.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I quit 4 months on my own once...Without a program, I had no defense though when the desire came back. Now, I have a life built around sobriety so I can use many tools.

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~*Service Worker*~

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hotrod wrote:

Spider You are not alone and this does sound exactly like the disease I know. I suggest that you pick up your alanon tools once again, call your alanon friends, make a meeting, recite the serenity prayer , read alanon literature , and check out the on line meeting here tonight.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain again and will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
.


 I can't add anymore to these good replies you got.....i know the drill, too...."oh maybe i can drink a beer..just a beer b4 dinner and thats it"  oh yea, tell me another one....now with recovery, i would never "go there" again...I like my peace, quiet, no chaos, no worry, no wondering what hes gonna do,  none of it.....whether you leave or stay, that is up to you, some folks like me coldn't take anymore so we left...some on here are staying and i see the ones who (the ones who stay)  are healthiest and prospering are the ones who are going to the meets, reaching out to recovery mates, reading the literature, working the slogans and staying very very close to their programs.....i really don't believe there is any coping with this w/out a strong alanon program.....Sorry you are in pain, but you can make a choice to take care of you via alanon and make this bearable....and Betty is right...You are not alone...Many of us are either in your shoes or were in your shoes.....so yea, i can relate..you want this to work soooo bad, but you are powerless over all things outside of your own skin.......sending you "alanon" energy



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



Senior Member

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Posts: 146
Date:

How annoying. this sucks!!! I know that anger of, why why why!! at them , and then, at yourself.

Well, You are human. Give yourself that credit. And use Alanon. It is not an immediate fix but will give you the long term fix that is right for the soul... So you can be expecting these things and maybe not as upset by them one day..

over time, I just got less upset over it.. Less physical stress on my body anyway.

Calling someone you can talk to will help, and to remember that you only have to live in today, and to ask your higher power for help. Strength will come from that in how to react, if you can calm yourself to receive that guidance.

Sending you positive energy and thoughts.. You got wonderful posts here for help I see. :)

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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.

Mother Teresa



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