The material presented
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I have allowed him into some of my trauma, like when I lost my virginity I was 12 and I was raped, molested what ever you wish to call it. I continued to let this guy that lived in the neighborhood take advantage of me just to feel loved for a few years, when I tried to tell my Mother about it, she silenced me, put me on birth control pills and told me to never upset my Father with this news, she also told me her story of her friends dad taking her virginity and that is just how it goes for some. I was taught young to be used as a sex object and it has caused me a lot of issues in my life. My Mother used to physically abuse me as well and talk down to me in heart breaking awful emotionally abusive ways, I have had to fight for the self worth and self esteem I have with everything that I am. Because my parents were addicts and negligent I grew up being a victim to every kind of abuse imaginable, I even looked for it with some guys, because I knew no better and I let this follow me until my adulthood and into my marriage.
I now struggle to feel healthy about these things and want to be able to discuss this stuff, but really it is so incredibly difficult. I trust him with this information and I have dealt with my childhood abuse with a great counselor who had helped me dig it out and realize that poor sad child needed to be loved and released from within me. I try so hard not to shut down and be open and vulnerable, but this area is sometimes still overwhelming for me to delve in. I know he means well and thinks talking about it will help me to not be so sensitive to it and maybe in time that is true. After 8 months with him I don't want secrets, but I am somewhat ashamed of how I continued to let my dysfunctions follow me and even ruffle me now at 36 years old. Please being on the ESH and help me to not feel like a freak!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
BF: I'm not a trained therapist - just a woman who cares about others. I am sorry all this horrific stuff happened to you. I'm also glad you talked it over with a therapist. One of the things I will not do is discuss many of my abuse issues with anybody unless it makes sense to do so and if I know I'm sufficiently healed enough to share a little about it. I also will not ask somebody to share their abuse issues with me - especially the details because I'm not a trained therapist and these deep seated things to me are better discussed with a very good therapist trained in what works and doesn't work for their client. I think that it is good that you put up boundaries around these issues and don't want to delve into it all with him even if he does think its good for you to talk about them. Even in healing groups, we are cautioned by therapists on what to do if we start to feel overwhelmed by listening to others pain to help ourselves not "go back there" again. People can be very good to us and care about us and that still doesn't mean we have to reveal our entire lives to them or all the details of it.
BF, you are not a freak. You experienced some horrific wounding, the scars will never go away. From what I see, you have dealt with these traumas, fearlessly, in your own time, with individuals that are trained to walk with you. What is true for today may not be true for tomorrow, as you have stated. Perhaps stating lovingly and firmly to your boyfriend to please honor your process. If he doesn't, he is crossing a tender boundary. I believe you are a wonderful woman who exemplifies the abilities to transcend a pain filled childhood.
BF I agree, You have discussed these issues with a trained therapists as well as your sponsor and have come to an acceptance of the past. .
Boyf has been told the issues so that continuing to talk with him on the subject is counter productive to you and your relationship. What is important is for you both to learn to be in the moment and in the day connecting on current issues of you own relationship .
Im sorry that you suffered this way bf, if I could give you a good cuddle I would. I dont knkw if this will help but I have a friend who suffered abuse as a child and she will not talk about it, she says that she accepted it a long time ago and will not bring it forward to re-live it in any way. I have often wondered if this has suppressed feelings and emotions and maybe its harming her. I wish I could help more bf. I know you will work it out.x
Thank you for responding to this!!! I had opened up to my exAH about these things when I was ready and he honored me by knowing, but never bringing it up when it wasn't me starting the conversation. I had brought these things up to my current boyfriend to help him better understand me, but I am wondering if he doesn't take it too personally and I just need to let it alone. I suppose even if I tried to tell him everything about myself, he will only understand what he sees now, and he loves the woman I am. Thanks for helping me to realize I am who I am today and that is enough. I want to explain things to him, but if I feel too sensitive about it, I obviously am not ready at this moment, even though I brought it up I can close the subject at anytime. Thank you! This is why I love my MIP family unit! Sending you all love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This is why we love you, too, BF. You listen. You go inside with what you hear. You re-surface with your own insights and ways to handle things that honor your integrity. Yes, you are enough exactly as you are today.
I m feeling very messy and triggered tonight. I really miss my sponsor and need to just stop and not react right now. I am sure I will feel better and less insecure after a good nights sleep. Thanks for the love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Personally i refrained from talking about my former sexual self to my husband.
Some things they really dont need or want to know. Men you never know which
way they will go. I always Feared it would be used against me and it probably
would have been Since my ah is controlling. I didn't talk about old boyfriends.
I did tell my husband the big things but kept it very simple, if he wasnt my husband
I wouldnt discuss it at all.
((((Breaking))))...I agree with the suggestions you have been given and also have history I use to live and relive over and over until my own counselor and sponsor gave me permission to give myself mercy and margin and change the way and the reason I went back into m past. What was my motivation and did I go back with awareness that the past was truly over until I brought it back to the present with no real thoughts about what consequences I wanted by relooking. That last idea of consequences the what did I want to get out of doing it, was huge so I learned each and every time I dug into my past to have a consequence; a lesson I wanted to learn from it otherwise to leave it alone. I just recently and unexpectedly walked back into my "past" museum and found myself in front of the displays of abuse by my then qualifier and I had an instantaneous emotional and physical reaction even though I had forgiven that part of the past and the person...so I turned around and left that place knowing that it wasn't the realization that it happened to me only the realization that it horribly happens often...If your boyfriend is not a therapist who is not emotionally invested in you like a therapist is...I would suggest to him to leave you to your therapist and sponsor. He also has to 3C your past...set him free from it. Lock the door to your museum until you have a recovery need to go look. ((((hugs))))
Hugs, BF! I hope that this AM finds you more rested and serene. I, too, have a triggering sexual past (molested at 7 by my babysitter's older teen son and friends, and raped at 19). My AH used my rape against me as an emotional trigger to sever deep wounds in my heart and soul and I still can't get past it after 2 years now. Wounds like this run deep and the scar tissue still remains tender and sensitive. Take your time with your BF. You guys seem to have a very open relationship so I'm sure he will understand if you need to close that box for a bit and not talk about it. Pray about it, turn it over to your HP, and ask for guidance as to when you should be speaking of these things. Sending you hugs and love today!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I loved reading your comment 'I am who I am today'. Yay!!!
You seem to me to be courageous, honest, powerful and vulnerable and I think that is a combination worthy of celebration. I think that you have been incredibly brave and taken on the power to break a horrible family cycle with your tremendous growth and integrity. It is a marvellous thing to behold and I think that you are making the world a better place.
You are certainly not a freak BF and it is, to my mind, so unjust that you've felt any shame, although I understand how natural that is. Our vulnerabilities surface one way or another and it is easier for me when things are not forced. Please be gentle with yourself, and bold enough to ask others to do the same - I am sure you would prefer your boyfriend to be an enthusiastic lover rather than have to have a relationship that feels as though you are living with a therapist! ((((hugs))))
Thank you all very much. A good nights sleep was what I needed. I will have to leave that door closed now for awhile unless something specific needs to be addressed and only if it is rippling my current serenity. Thank you for being so compassionate and hearing me. I am an overcomer and no longer a victim thanks to al-anon, my sponsor, MIP and God (HP). Thanks again all for being here for a sounding board and sharing your ESH and love!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((BF)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) you are not a freak.........I repeat!!! YOU ARE NOT A FREAK......the ones who hurt you are the freaks.......i relate to your story b/c i was a sex object by my own parent.....then came the abuse from bad boyfriends/ husbands b/c I knew no better, i had no self esteem....i had to "build" self esteem n alanon and ya know??? If B.F. wants to go into areas where you are not ready to talk about, I would say "hey i dont' want to go there for the moment"
this is YOUR recovery work, and yea, he might care deeply what happened and wants to comfort, but it has to be on your terms, your speed, your level of how deep or not deep.....I keep my deep stuff w/my sponsor and my trusted recovery mates.....i don't share about me with folks "in the wild" or not in alann/aca/coda , et al....very few people i have trusted w/this b/c it is so bad what happened to me and so i can relate to how you are feeling.....
I have seen big growth in you since i met you here....you are doing great, you work honestly on yourself.....is OK to not feel comfortable to share certain things...maybe later as relationship proves to be safe.....if he really cares , he will understand your needing to do this your way....
I am so sorry you went through this....as a survivor myself, i understand the depth of damage done...the almost fatal blow to self esteem, the lack of trust it begets....oh yea, but i work on me on a daily basis and i try to put one foot in front of the other and be satisfied i am doing all i can as i reach out to others and try to encourage them......
take care and i would do this recovery, what works for me, my way, my time table....not anyone elses....if he really cares about you, he will understand your special needs in some areas....just like me, if i ever were to find someone, he would hve to be patient and caring and allow me to recover at a pace that is best for me................sending HUGS and SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think that you have been incredibly brave and taken on the power to break a horrible family cycle with your tremendous growth and integrity. It is a marvellous thing to behold and I think that you are making the world a better place.