Hello all. I've been reading here for a while and I just want to say thanks for letting me be a fly on the wall. Being able to read and listen have been invaluable to me. I started attending a local group several months ago and just last week talked to the group leader about being my sponsor. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying - I didn't think I needed al-anon. I was wrong. My husband is not an alcoholic, but an addict. He has been in rehab several times and if al-anon was mentioned to me at all, I don't remember. If it was offered, I'm sure I turned it down. I thought that this group was all about just accepting the addiction and learning to live with it. Well, that pissed me off, lol! I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to accept him the way he was. I didn't want to think of his stupidity as a disease. He made bad choices. I was supposed to just accept that? Heck, no! Oh - if only I had known. If only someone had tried to explain to me what this group is really about. Maybe they did, I probably flipped them off and went back to micro-managing.

So, as a way of introduction, here's the short story of how I got here. I struggled with saying anything because my situation is so different from most of yours. But the more I have read here, the more I realize the differences don't matter. My own life has been spiraling out of control and that's where I see the benefit of this group. I'm not alone in my chaos anymore. 

Twenty years ago I realized that the man I had married and had just had a baby with was addicted to prescription pain pills. I spent twelve or so years watching it tear our lives apart. He was in and out of rehab and a perpetual relapser. I was a typical co-dependent, enabler. Nine years ago he was put on subutex (buprenorphine) which is kind of in the methadone family. It's called 'addiction management.'  He convinced me it was a miracle drug that allowed him to function without making him high. I didn't realize, and he still doesn't, all of the problems that didn't magically go away. He has some side-effects but the biggest one is being very flat and emotionless. We have no conversation outside of the necessary family stuff. There's no affection or physical life. He works out of town which is a blessing. I have been a single mom. He is mostly a really nice guy. Everyone tells me what a nice guy he is. Yeah. Meanwhile - I've been alone. Our kids are almost grown. I'm starting to make an exit plan. There are lots and lots of concerns - there always are. But in the meantime, I'm living the One Day At A Time way. I began detaching years ago and no longer hold any emotional investment in the relationship, only in the family as a unit. 

Here's the thing, though. I was so beaten down by years and years of thinking the problems were ME. My self-confidence was destroyed. My friends have mostly gone by the wayside. I was very VERY active in a church that showed the me the door (a very long story that I'll save for another day) and I haven't worked as I've been a homeschool mom. I live in a very rural area and in the last three years I have developed some health issues. I have been reading on some forums about the medication he is on and man, oh, man - that's some bad stuff. He is taking a very high dosage and has no hope of ever coming off of it. He has no problem with it. He is able to work in sales (a good job for someone who doesn't take it personally when someone says no) and makes a decent living. He's the paycheck. It works for now.

I just wanted you to know my story as I am beginning to get involved with some of your stories. It means the world to me to have found al-anon and I appreciate the support that you give each other. So, if you don't mind, I think I'll hang out with you guys for a while. I finally feel at home.

Thanks for listening.