Can't seem to let it go..... - Al-Anon Family Group

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Can't seem to let it go.....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Nightingale I have found that the only remedy for letting go of the wreckage of the past is by working steps four through 10 on the subject.

Looking for my part in the situation, and owning the expectations, anger, resentment self pity and fear around the situation is important . Then becoming entirely ready to let them go , as in the sixth and seventh step automatically helped me to see that this was all only hurting me. Making amends helped me to let go of the residual anger.

Keep coming back and sharing It is all a process.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Nightingale: Glad to see you and your lovely avatar back on the board. To piggyback on Hotrod's post which I second: I have learned that when I don't feel secure in a situation or in a relationship it is generally because I am standing on one foot. I'm not balanced or rooted in my own strength, knowledge, intuition, power. I'm sometimes letting life or other people decide for me what I will do and what I won't do. When I know that what I'm doing or pursuing is right for me, the whole world can blow away as I know it. I'd still find myself standing firmly on both feet, balanced/centered, strong and powerful. I do hope that you can work these steps with a sponsor or a fellowship member. That work can help you stand on both feet again, feeling strong and secure within yourself.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 21st of November 2014 10:55:33 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Al anon will really help you see your part in this. You sound like a loving, caring, committed woman who is trying to make a relationship work that has been and continues to be based on lies. It wont work, no matter how hard you try to shove the pain and deceptions deep inside. The longer you are dishonest with yourself, the greater damage you will do to your self esteem. Al anon and sponsorship is the road out of a predictable future of pain and sorrow ( if you keep going the way you are going without recovery from your codependency). Take care of you and keep the focus on you...your life is worth it. The fact that he would not admit this relationship is a huge red flag. If he is not in recovery, and sobriety is not recovery, their is no possibility of a healthy relationship.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My best ESH is to just stay in today. It sounds like the relationship is working for your TODAY. We don't own people or their hearts. We are not guaranteed a specific amount of time with people either. Hence, I believe if you love someone today, and there are not outward problems TODAY, make the most of it and be grateful because life is short. Sometimes you will have to make a conscious effort to let go of BS that really doesn't matter and step back into today - this moment. My husband is someone I love that I enjoy spending my spare time with each day at this point in my life.

This simplified view of life and relationships has helped me tremendously. Keep it simple!

PS: During our first year or so of dating, husband was living with his ex whom he was still helping to obtain his green card. I felt it was more like enabling. The ex went around playing like he was the owner of the house when he didn't work, didn't try and help, and actively tried to break up me and my then boyfriend. I developed a fat resentment and eventually had a screaming match with him where I was close to beating the crap out of him. He was Mexican btw, I swore he "ruined Mexico" for me. Even a year after he was out of the picture, I still had some issues with him but it's so done now. My spouse did what was needed to commit to me and get the ex out of the picture. We are happy and that is all that matters.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Nightingale, if this were me, I would listen to my gut, be cautious, proceed slowly and work my program before committing to a long term relationship.

mjferg · Senior Member

My ex was a womanizer,We were separated for a year,he was supposed to be working on his issues.I stayed single and focused on my business,and I found out later he lived with another woman during that time!That was a defining moment for me.Women are disposable to him,because he was also calling me at the same time,and lying to me.Well I am not disposable and I don't want to be with someone who does not value me.A friend of mine once said,''The person who says I love you should be your biggest cheerleader''.I get that now.I am learning to put some value on myself,not to let someone else define me.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

My guess is that the reason you can't let it go is that you know deep down that it is still a danger. He is not with the other woman any more, but has he done the work to figure out why he would string you along while continuing with her? Has he done the work to show you that you are more than a convenient house with a job? Has he worked a program, gone to therapy, taken an honest longterm assessment of himself, laid it all out for you, made amends, and said that he knows it will take a while, maybe years, for you to see that he's changed, but that he's going to do his best to walk the talk? From your description, he is just papering over the past and hoping you'll overlook the hundreds of red flags that have come up over the past while. Your instincts are protecting you. If you could get over his betrayals, you'd make yourself vulnerable to them again. And it seems to me as if the risk is enormous that he is the same guy and will do the same things again. That's how he responds to life.

At times in my life, I needed so much that I was just like an empty hole in a cold universe. I clung even to desperately unreliable people because I honestly thought I would sink if I let go. And I wasn't far wrong. I hadn't assembled my support and my tools and my recovery. Today I hope I have those together so I can tackle the hard times, the fear, and the loneliness when they arise.

Please take wonderful care of yourself.

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Thank you Pinkchip....I needed to hear that. Logically I know you're right. On the days i'm feeling good about me I feel like it's behind me. I know the insecurities and low self esteem I've battled all my life is what makes this creep up over and over. Things are good between us today. I've been trying to do some work on my core believes I have about myself. I was only 14 when I met my first husband and he did a good job of making me feel not good enough for 23 years. The man i'm with now is very supportive and encouraging...just not very affectionate. That plays on me a lot. I miss the cuddly touchy stuff of first getting together and was expecting it when we got back together. As irrational as it sounds I guess I feel like all his cuddly touchy stuff was given to her. I feel cheated.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You feel cheated because you are. He manipulated you to babysit him while he had someone else. I am wondering what would make you feel secure with all the games he has played with you.

It's not about him, it's about you. No you did not want a relationship, yet he stayed over a few nights..? Mixed messages if you ask me.

What is it about you that you would accept a man who cheats into your life?

What is it about you that you supported him all that time? You have needs for intimacy, but you said more than once it felt like a business relationship. So what makes you think he will all of a sudden change?

Does this make sense?

See to me he does not sound like someone who knows what love is. He was seeing you and her at the same time. That is not love. He moves in with you and is a slug, that is not love.

I am only saying what I see. You sound like a very kind woman who does not seem to see her own value hugs

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 21st of November 2014 01:49:10 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He was dishonest and violated your boundaries 3 years ago. You either forgive and move on or you can't live with it. If you forgive, then my suggestions were probably good. It seems like you are relatively happy in the relationship today and it meets your needs. Maybe it doesn't. Affection is a biggie and if you aren't getting it, then it could be a deal breaker. I don't see you as a woman that doesn't value herself. If things had not changed for the better like you described, I'm guessing you would have ended things. You have choices and you can pray and meditate on them and I do have faith you can be okay in whatever you choose to do with regards to the relationship.

Nightingale · Veteran Member

I see what you're saying Debilyn and they are all valid questions and points. I know it wasn't the ideal start and I very much still question his motives and agenda for getting back together but I think our relationship has grown beyond that now. His buddies questioned my motives for all of a sudden wanting to make a commitment once he was seeing someone else and shortly before he came into money I knew was coming. I have taken a good long look at myself and what I accepted in my marriage and what I'm willing to accept in this relationship. We are two people coming from very unhealthy pasts trying to get healthy and deciding to do it together. I hate what he did and there are days...like today...that I am just as hurt by the memory of it as I was at the first realization. I did however decide that I wanted to get passed it and continue down this path and see where it takes us. Today I stumbled on the past. I don't want to stay there. I'm just having trouble putting it to rest for good. It was a one time transitional pass he got from me. I won't accept it again.

As for the affection.....that may always be a difficult give and take. I like the cuddling of a new relationship. Him..not so much...except in a new relationship. I know he does try. And when I'm feeling a little neglected I start thinking about him and Miss Venezuela. Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it. I'd just like to get to a point where I can sit and watch Modern Family or a Penelope Cruz movie without getting resentful.

I very much appreciate all of the ESH from everyone. I'm grateful for this forum to be able to vent and to hear different perspectives. I do feel better.

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Last night while watching t.v. with my A he mentioned to me...in a very non-confrontational way....just an observation...that I seem to be very bitter towards men. It through me a bit but I know he's right. I just didn't think it showed. He said he didn't feel like I was angry with him but he wanted to point it out because it could be something that could be hurting me that maybe I wasn't aware of and needed to look at.

This morning he brought us both coffee in bed. That's something we do. I usually make it but I've been sick.After talking awhile I couldn't hold back what has been bothering me for over two years now. I told him basically everything I had written here and told him I don't want to argue details or drag up the past but all of this has been stuck in my throat for a long time. I just needed to say it. It want well. He was caught off guard for sure. I made sure he knew I wasn't trying to call him out on cheating because I knew yet had made the decision to move past it. I was just having trouble doing that and realized the only way I might be able to is to say it out loud to him.

I think it was good. I think he understands now more of what I've been dealing with and how we communicate needed to change so I don't end up choking on unsaid things. He knows he doesn't always let me speak when we have disagreements. It's been getting better as our relationship grows and evolves but it's still a work in progress. He now understands that just because he shuts me down doesn't mean the issue goes away. I'm still left with it.

Unfortunately our conversation went on long enough that he missed his morning meeting but I had to get all this out. Right now he's still in bed. I know he needs time to process it and I'll give him that time. He says we're ok and this has been left in a good place. He seems to understand my motive wasn't to just dump this on him or blame him. He also can't deny that I have been doing a lot of work on me....inventory, upgrading my education, running. I'm doing the work. I feel better. Lighter. I hope the fall-out from this isn't too bad. Regardless...what I think I've learned is I have too consistently be more true to myself and find a way to speak up. Stuffing this down has hurt me more then anything. I don't want to dwell on the past but I also can't choke on my words and feeling because I'm worried about how he will deal with his choices and actions being talked about. This issue not being talked about has definitely gotten in the way of a happy future. Hopefully we are on our way to that future now.

-- Edited by Nightingale on Saturday 22nd of November 2014 12:46:28 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
Hi, Nightingale: Glad to see you and your lovely avatar back on the board. To piggyback on Hotrod's post which I second: I have learned that when I don't feel secure in a situation or in a relationship it is generally because I am standing on one foot. I'm not balanced or rooted in my own strength, knowledge, intuition, power. I'm sometimes letting life or other people decide for me what I will do and what I won't do. When I know that what I'm doing or pursuing is right for me, the whole world can blow away as I know it. I'd still find myself standing firmly on both feet, balanced/centered, strong and powerful. I do hope that you can work these steps with a sponsor or a fellowship member. That work can help you stand on both feet again, feeling strong and secure within yourself.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 21st of November 2014 10:55:33 AM

Hi Nightingale, I am gonna piggy back on Hotrod's AND grateful2be's posts....they said what I would say.....i do hope you give this program a chance to help you find yourself...the meetings , if you can't find a face to face one, are great here on line.....the more experienced alanons can kinda guide u how to approach your program......working the steps, finding out what was your part in this....how did you get in this situation?? what inner work do you have to do to put your needs/wants first so you can be useful to the ones who really want to help themselves.....U don't mention he is in AA, I am guessing not???? they relapse even in AA, so you know if he is trying to manage this himself, it won't last....i think your post reflects that u are having angst over this and that means to me that your higher power is saying that something isn't right....i like grateful's analogy of standing on one foot......please keep coming back...this works if u work it..............sending support

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Thanks neshema2....My A has been a member of AA for 11 years. I have been a member of Al-Anon for 16 years. I have a face 2 face meeting and a sponsor and I have spoken to her about this. I came to MIP because it's a safe, anonymous place to lay out what's bothering me and get feedback. It's also open 24 hours a day.

I have a good group of face 2 face Al-Anon people but I do struggle with friendships. I still haven't figured out what that's about. I have some pretty large social anxieties. That's another reason I come to MIP. I don't really have any close friends.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Nightingale , The beauty of Alanon and MIP is that you do not have to" figure it out. The Steps and slogans help us to let go of the past and develp new constructive coping tools to live by. I am glad you have a program and a sponsor and believe that perhaps it is time to rework the steps on these topics.

Practicing these priniples in all our affairs works

Nightingale · Veteran Member

Hotrod....thank you. You know how doing the steps...mainly an inventory is like peeling an onion? That's what I feel like I've been doing the past few months. I feel like I've been digging into another level. We're never done. I've been looking into my core believes about myself. What I feel I'm worth. I think this is why this issue keeps coming up for me. Two and a half years ago I thought stuffing it was best but now I know that the suffering and being silent about something that bothers me this much....It's not my secret. It wasn't my action. I just needed to say it and say it to him. I don't want to argue it or dissect it I just need to say it. I did do something that was a total violation of his trust and privacy. I read the text messages on his phone from that relationship. I know that's not right. But I tell you what...I feel better. It helped. I kind of feel bad for her now. She's a nice person. She didn't know what was going on. She really cared for him and was really confused about what was happening. Not that he's a bad guy either. It certainly sounds like it but there are many dynamics going on and he has made great strides in the past 6 years.

I truly believe that from every situation only good will come. it's the old...when one door closes another door opens...it's just the time in the hallway that sucks. Every layer we uncover is the time in the hallway and it's usually the hallway time when I end up here....MIP. I'm grateful for here. I know in my heart that every adversity is a gift.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and sharing you ESH.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:

What is it about you that you would accept a man who cheats into your life?
What is it about you that you supported him all that time? You have needs for intimacy, but you said more than once it felt like a business relationship. So what makes you think he will all of a sudden change?
Does this make sense?
See to me he does not sound like someone who knows what love is. He was seeing you and her at the same time. That is not love. He moves in with you and is a slug, that is not love.
I am only saying what I see. You sound like a very kind woman who does not seem to see her own value hugs

-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 21st of November 2014 01:49:10 PM

Dear Nighting, I could not agree with Debilyn more...I was gonna write this but she beat me to it., so i will just say that i hope you keep coming back to alanon, get some meets , 90 meets in 90 days they say to get you grooved into the program and grooved into taking care of you....I see self esteem issues in your post....and yea, he DID cheat you, withholding affection when he may be snuggle bear to the miss venezuela....yea, you WERE cheated....So when does our little nightingale decide to take care of her??? when does our NG decide that she is lovable, acceptable and deserving of a waaaaay different and better relationship than this one?????

hang w/us alanons....and keep up the step work...it will tell you the ???s that Debilyn asked you and I thought.....step 4 has saved me from having to learn the same ole lesson, many times....ya see?? if we dont' learn the lesson and work out the old family of origin stuff, we just have to keep learning the same ole painful lessons.....does re experiencing the same pain make sense???? does repeating same old "not working" actions make sense???? sounds like its time for an internal change.....we are behind you, but you gotta make the decision and do the work...we can only give you our experience, strength and hope and of course our caring acceptance of you........sending you hugs of support

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Nightingale wrote:
I did do something that was a total violation of his trust and privacy. I read the text messages on his phone from that relationship. I know that's not right. But I tell you what...I feel better. It helped. I kind of feel bad for her now. She's a nice person. She didn't know what was going on. She really cared for him and was really confused about what was happening. Not that he's a bad guy either. It certainly sounds like it but there are many dynamics going on and he has made great strides in the past 6 years.

I truly believe that from every situation only good will come. it's the old...when one door closes another door opens...it's just the time in the hallway that sucks. Every layer we uncover is the time in the hallway and it's usually the hallway time when I end up here....MIP. I'm grateful for here. I know in my heart that every adversity is a gift.

Thank you for taking the time to comment and sharing you ESH.

hey Nightingale, I did the same thing...snooping b/c i thought AH#1 was cheating...he wasn't cheating sexually, but his long time friend when they were in the catering business, he would pay attention to , talk to, be nice to her and so shitty to me.....i began to resent this wonderful woman who was really on my side, telling AH that he is gonna lose me if he doesn't smarten up.....she and i ended up friends, lol.....so i relate to what you did...its like I gotta know...be it bad, good, middle, I had to know b/c at that time i was not in recovery and he was my "world" and it was a sucky world at that ....and oh i relate to the hallway....i painted and decorated mine, i visit it that much.........MIP is grateful you are here too.....i so agree with your entire post.....totally relate to you......i hope our esh has kinda opened up some avenues for you..........sending you hugs of support....

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree, the recovery never stops. You have processed a lot since your post a few days ago and I am glad to see your compassion extending out to the other woman. (((N))). Include you in this compassion smile

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