The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the main reasons I was so determined to stay in this town, right now, was so that my child could finish her final year of primary school with her class mates and do graduation etc.
It is NOT easy sharing a room and a bed with my kid, she is restless, she snores, she is ridiculously flatulent, she carries on like a pork chop if I have so much as a reading light on when she is trying to sleep.
Not one single piece of this is easy. Would anyone like to share a small room with a child and a dog and a cat? It's not the best thing that I have ever done, I have to tell you. Not easy for any of us.
So she gets along wonderfully with our host-family and behaves impeccably with them. But i have noticed she has become ruder and ruder and more and more disrespectful to me. Making demands and treating me as if I am a servant. She needs money for this,she wakes me at 5am to demand I find this or that for her, hands me her ipad and ipod and expects me to plug them in to the charger for her, hands me her rubbish to put in the bin and hands me her insults and then demands to know will I be doing this, buying this and paying for that. I have been getting quite seriously sick of it. So just now I learn, there is trouble at school. She has been emailing me all day, as she does, with demands and rude comments. Now she is emailing me to come and bail her out of trouble. Um, no.
So apparently she has been acting up and I need to go and have a talk with the teachers. Vunbdabar.
In the mean time I drove her and her friend here there and everywhere last night, I am expected to find money I don't have and drive her to and from her youth group activity tonight and tomorrow I am to buy a birthday present and drive her to and from a party a long way away ($$$$petrol) and (I don't really want to get up early on saturday, ffs!!!!)
Boundaries with my child need to be SO much more gentle than the other kind I have been trying to implement but, they need to come into existence. At the moment this child is just a rude little brat and i feel no connection to her at all, she is just rude and nasty to me at every opportunity. I understand that she is having a hard time too but it's not OK for her to treat me like garbage and I am really fearful because, what if in the presence of abusive people we held close to each other and now that there are none around...
I did not expect my 11 year old child to be steady and reliable during hard times but, I also didn't quite expect her to turn on me like this.
I'm not sure I have developed the mothering skills to cope. I know I will learn them and find my way.
I think I spent all of her life worrying about my alcoholic partner instead of her and I actually have not developed confidence and a thick-skin as a mother. That's on me but, I can't change it in an instant.
This is going to be interesting.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
"I'm not sure I have developed the mothering skills to cope..." I think we develop them in the doing of it. I took care of other people's kids - to include my sibs - starting at a very young age. I still didn't have much of a clue what to do with my kids when they reached puberty although I thought I knew it all - until it was time to do it all. Raising kids - to me - is like doing life - one day at a time. I read many "how to" books, listened to my Mom, my friends, the current wisdom on raising kids and if I had to do it all over again - I'd trust my gut and go with it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of November 2014 08:45:16 PM
Mel...no feedback other than I know the outcomes will all be better than they would have had you not been doing all this work on yourself. I also am impressed with how you now self inventory in a way that is honest but not so unkind to yourself. Supporting you...
meliss, hang in there, it will get better. It sounds as though she is reaching puberty, and she's not sure if she wants to be a little girl or a grown up person. I taught this age group for several years, and they did try my patience. She's trying to establish her independence and is not quite sure how to do it. I think it would be very appropriate to set boundaries. Don't assume she knows what you will accept and not accept. I would spell it out in black and white.
Hang it there, this too shall pass.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I have one word: bunkbed!! Can you get one ASAP? Also...I have 3 girls. It's normal to ask for money all the time. But it's ok to say no. Even though moms make mistakes, you're right, we shouldn't be treated like garbage especially if we are now trying to do the right thing. I hope you aren't plugging in her electronics. :)
mothering didn't come with a manual. It's hard, I know. We do our best and hope they turn out ok. Lol. My oldest two are in college and they went through their dad and I divorcing, then they got to live with a lovely A for 11 years. They are well-adjusted so far. My youngest is doing well too...so there's hope. the tween years aren't fun.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Thursday 20th of November 2014 10:29:11 PM
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Thursday 20th of November 2014 10:33:51 PM
Well this is my first and only and I think I have screwed it up pretty badly.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Try a question with her? "Why are you pushing me away and asking me to not help you". The consequences of what she is doing is really to stop and go away. People who get what you are getting usually turn around and go away. "Why do you want me to go away and why do you want me to stop loving you".
Then go silent
and wait
for her to respond.
If she denies that she is doing those things tell her to inventory her own thoughts, words, feeling and behaviors...you will help by telling her your experiences (this is called mirroring) with her and that you won't fix it for her.
Sometimes when the alcoholic leaves there will be someone else to take the alcoholic's place and it will see like nothing had changed at all. (got that from one of the parents I use to have as a client). (((((Miss Meliss)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 20th of November 2014 11:32:16 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 20th of November 2014 11:32:50 PM
MS M You did the best with the tools that you had and the information that was available. Now that you have developed your new alanon tools such as keeping the focus on yourself, not reacting, detaching, living one day at a time trusting HP and knowing that you are powerless over others, you have great new tools to support your teenage daughtier grow and thrive. You will do fine.
Working the 4 th through 10 th Step will help remove the judgement of the past.
I'm thinking that the tools of Al-Anon apply to all people we're having difficulties with. Maybe some of them:
Don't React
Thinking through boundaries and setting them.
Loving detachment.
Taking care of yourself.
Kids don't know what is reasonable and what is unreasonable. They only know what they want. We can't expect them to read our minds and figure out what is reasonable. My son asks for crazy things all the time. "Hey, I need to be delivered here and then you wait outside for five hours until I'm ready to go." If an adult said this, we'd be justified in thinking they were some kind of nutso narcissict (or an A, same difference). But a kid just doesn't have the wherewithal to judge. So we can just say, "But then I would be sitting in the cold for five hours with nothing to do, and that's just not gonna work. Let's problem-solve and figure out how and if we can make this happen." Gradually they get the picture of what's reasonable and what isn't. But stands to reason they're going to get it wrong sometimes until they grow up. Nothing about this means bad parenting. It's just how it happens.
But your daughter isn't dwelling on having lived with an A or near a crazy cat lady or any of the stuff that tends to haunt our thoughts. She's moving ahead with plans. Great stuff!
I treat my son the same way the alcoholic, hes 17 but ive had to work hard to rescue our relationship. He was pushing all the boundaries and I was worried how far it would go so for the last 3 years with the help of alanon I say dont speak to me this way and leave it, no nagging. Then if the behaviour, disrespect conti ues then theres a consequence. Consequences, consequences are the key. A couple of years ago his bedroom was bare, his playstation was at my friends house, his computer wires were in my bag with me. He got no money for a while too. I found this hard but once you do it once it gets easier and my sons behaviour improved. His acting out was due to insecurity and me giving the tough love was the right love that he needed. It made him feel safer.
Ive got it written on my odaat, its so important because bad behaviour is like alcoholism, it esculates and progresses until you do the right thing. Good luck, its not easy but well worth it.
I have raised 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. When my girls reached pre puberty, it was holy hell for me. i spent most of my years believing I was a horrible mother, seems it comes with the territory for many, so, again, you are not alone. Good news is she can behave well around others. When I saw my kids behaving well around others, I knew I was doing a good enough job. You will muddle through this and do just fine because you recognize the need for different boundaries. "This does not work for me " worked for me in so many occasions...it does not make the kids wrong, keeps their self esteem intact and empowers them ( and you ).
Just read your second post on this thread, Melly. This is sooooooooooooo like the disease operates. If it isn't telling us we're terrible partners, its telling us we are terrible daughters and then it tells us we are terrible mothers, neighbors, drivers, students, runners, walkers, eaters, gardeners, poets, writers, dressers, bathers, swimmers, tree huggers, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Its not the outside voices that mattered so much as I matured. It is and was in the inside voices. Learning that any thought that makes us feel bad isn't true and questioning our beliefs about ourselves is a healthy practice especially with the help of others who've been there and do that and can remind us of what is true and good about us without pretending we don't have flaws, too. There is no way our HP is going to tell us what horrible anything we are. That's the disease at work. We don't have to listen to its lies. We can be honest about our own flaws as we discover them and that only means we have some assets on their way to bloom. And in order for those defects/flaws to become assets/flowers, there has to be a lot of warm sunshine, gentle rain, good soil to help them make it to full flower.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 21st of November 2014 09:11:49 AM
Maybe you think you are a screwed up mom, but you are the one who has actually improved herself, and you have improved your daughter's lot immeasurably, just getting out of the situation you were in with ex-ABF, given your FOO background, makes you a phenomenal mom!! Think about it, any other mom in your situation would probably just have given up, be living "comfortably" with a man who routinely abused her and would do unmentionable things to her daughter. It happens all the time. So just the fact that you chose to get out of that situation carries you above a number of moms, and someday your daughter will grow up and say something like "you remember when we lived with that a$$hole, and you got us out of there? I can't believe you did it, it was so hard, thank you so much!"
However, children have no right to be nasty to their parents. Being a smart-aleck teenager is one thing, "forgetting" to do chores comes with the territory, but being nasty is in the moment and just shouldn't be allowed. Boundaries work well in my experience. They are just as hard as with an A, but the kids come around a lot faster in my experience. And she may say she hates you for enforcing them at first, but eventually she will realize why they are in place. At least that is how it has worked with our son.
I didn't read all the replies yet, but I wanted to say that I only have 1 child too, and I always feel like I've screwed it up royally! I know that, from talking to moms of girls(mine is a boy) that 11 and 12 are tough ages for girls and that they will push your buttons and get snarky and snippy and catty. You will figure out how to implement boundaries and you will figure out how to parent a teenager. It truly is 'one day at a time'. I believe in you!!!
Also, there is a book called, "Boundaries with Teens", I think. It was written by the same authors who wrote the Boundaries series. Not an Al Anon book but maybe you could see if your library has it and if it has some insightful information on the topic of boundaries in general?
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
My daughter is 17 now and we have a great relationship,but I do remember when she was that age,she was a force to be reckoned with.I said okay , who took my little girl I don't recognize this one. We were at each others throats.But that passed and now she has matured.I think it is the age.
And in the words of my dearly departed and complicated mother who raised 10 kids, baked and cooked from scratch, sewed our clothes, did the interior design to include painting and papering of our homes to include a 3 story house with a basement, sold her beautiful crystal and took in other people's laundry to bring in a little more money, breast fed most of us, did 8 loads of laundry a day, taught us all how to act in public, clean our homes, set a table, cook, launder, iron, look out for others while sick and later burned: "I let you live, didn't I?" when I came into her home before having kids at about 25 with my laundry list of grievances (primarily because I was screwing up my own life and blaming her).
As parents, we are going to hit some and we are going to miss some. That's just the way it works. The only terrible thing we can do that isn't redeemable in my older parents' eyes - is to give up on ourselves and on our kids - and stop trying to be and to do the best we can at the time. Al-Anon and the love of others help us get there. We don't have to give our kids the right to judge us, spit in our faces, talk behind our backs, act like little monsters in the home we are providing for them or our power no matter what age they are. My Mom taught me that and to this day I believe her. If "letting them live" is the only act of love we can provide sincerely at certain times in their teen years, maybe with some headstrong and creative children, maybe some moments that will have to be enough? We also may not beat them, call them names, humiliate or manipulate them but we still are capable of setting boundaries with firm consequences that they'll get and be grateful for at some point in their lives. They don't have to agree with our boundaries or the consequences. We just have to erect them and enforce them. Letting my kids hate me from time to time went with the territory of parenting. There might come a time she "hates" you, too. It's really that she hates her feelings and you have Al-Anon tools to help you and her navigate them.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 21st of November 2014 11:03:45 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 21st of November 2014 11:13:36 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 21st of November 2014 11:14:45 AM
No! You haven't screwed anything up! She is getting close to those teen years and let me tell you...it's tough!! Pre-teen is so hard too - girls can be so mean at this age...she is going through so many changes in her own body alone, add all of the family changes, etc... Cut yourself some slack here - I do agree with you about setting some boundaries and sticking to them with her...it will be tough on all of you, but you can do it. I have two teen girls (and one teen boy, but he is easier than the girls) and I try to enjoy the good days with them. I have been implementing my program towards them on the bad days...it's great practice :)
Thanks all for the amazing support. I've been awol for a bit on "computer haiatus", something I need to do routinely as I tend to spend longer and longer stretches of time glued to my screen and I think it has a poor effect on my state of mind and motivation if I don't take time off regularly. But I so appreciated everyone's support and kindness and suggestions. BTW bunk beds are at the forefront of my mind, fantastic idea as she can have the top story to herself, hang a curtain around it or whatever she likes....brilliant! I'm on the lookout for a cheap one on the noticeboards and in the op-shops. Good idea NLG
After writing that I did realise how much it is affecting me tying myself in knots trying to keep daughter happy while she rewards me with rudeness so I had a brief talk with her and reminded her that I am doing the very best I can and if she wants to talk to me about anything, I am all ears but, being rude and unpleasant to me isn't helping anyone. I got the sense from talking to her that she feels a bit worried because I have been more emotional than she is used to, and E has been telling her to "give me space" and keeping her busy doing other stuff so I think maybe she is used to me being a bit of an emotionless person who just laughs all the time no matter what happens and she's a bit freaked out thinking I am "losing it" now that I am a bit more emotional and not the maniacal laughing mum she is used to, or that's my take on it anyway. I think we had a good talk, she's easy to talk to, and since then she's been a lot better. She has her rude moments but apologises and has been making more effort to do basic things for herself like find her own socks and charge her own ipad, get her own breakfast etc so that's a big improvement.
Financially I have been tearing my hair out as she starts high school in 2 months and the costs for uniform, fees and books are so out of my reach just now. My mother keeps reminding me of these costs, waiting for me to ask her to pay I think but I am not going to do that. It is also Christmas and daughter's birthday next month and on top of that she wants an outfit and shoes and her hair done for her graduation, meanwhile I am still wearing jeans with the butt ripped out of them!! So today as I was drafting yet another "Rob Peter to Pay Paul" budget and scouring the job adds and going around in circles it dawned on me to just al-anon it. Next right thing and leave the rest to HP, surely it works with money too. I've always had enough in the end so, I had this great moment of realisation today that I'm trying to mind control my income and job situation and expenses the way i used to try to mind control people so i just held up my hands and said "OH, I get it. I'm getting in the way by trying to control the universe again. OK, it's all yours HP, I'll just do what's logical and right to do and trust that you have this too".
So that was a relief. Meanwhile we have been having fun making soap and deoderants and flea treatments and stuff for market, it won't solve my money woes right away but it's fun and I think should be profitable down the track, between the 2 of us we have a bit of a flair for this I think and make pretty nice natural stuff. I'd buy it
And this morning I went to the doctor (gasp!!!) and expressed to her that I am having some difficulties being on the emotional rollercoaster and I also seem to be a bit agorophobic and fearful which frustrates me but doesn't yield to my demands to go away. She was recommended to me as someone who is wonderful for women with similar issues and she really was, somehow i ended up opening up to her about the lot. So she was A-MAZING and accepted my NO to meds and I have to go back for an hour long assesment so she can refer me to "the right counsellor". So I think that was a positive step. I feel good about it.
So anyway, positive steps I think. I can't say it's the easiest time I've ever had but it will come together if I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Oh and when the landlord realised I was going to let him take it to the tribunal rather than fork over his ridiculous gardening claim, he dropped his demand from $300 to $80 to have the back lawn re-mowed. I think it's still outrageous really, they must be hiring someone who uses a gold-plated mower to mow a lawn that was already mowed but whatever, just let it be the end of the whole saga and maybe I can finally get my security deposit and reputation back. That would be nice!!!
So that's all, I think. One day at a time and all that.
(((everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 26th of November 2014 11:12:21 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
That's it though isn't it? Being able to get back on the horse after I have leapt off screaming "I can't ride a horse and I don't know why I ever thought I could" is one of my new tricks
Taught to me by all of you good folks here and in al-anon
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Mel...this is a nice example of "How it works". You spoke, asked for help, listened and followed thru from Higher Power to the ESH of other fellow members. Good for you and good for others you touch with it including your daughter. There is no doubt that we affect others and no doubt also that they will react and respond according to what tools they have or don't have. Its how we came into recovery. ((((hugs))))
