The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So im new to this board as well as my alanon meetings. I told my AH a few weeks ago that i was starting therapy and would be going to meetings to make me stronger. Definitely did not like the idea of it being that our town is small amd doesn't want us to be airing our dirty laundry. Just my presence there he said shows it and said they will probably push me to do an intervention and he said if that ever happened it would be something he could never get past and would be insurrmountable in our relationship. He is so afraid of everyone knowing but yet people already know what hes up to when he is at the bar frequently amd his wife and kids are home. I know i need to keep going to my meetings but i feel kind of guilty because i did have a conversation months ago with hos family amd friends as many of them knew he was out of control for a few weeks. We didnt know what to do. So intervention we thought was our only option. But then decided to hold off bc things were slightly improving. So now that he said that stufd today about airing his problems to family amd friends would be difficult to deal with...i dont know weather or not to tell him they already know and r just as concerned. Help!
Hey Pat Have you been to a meeting yet? I was really scared when I started and for similar reasons. Al-anon meetings are for you and you don't even need to mention your AH or anything about him, much less be pressured to do an intervention. That's absolutely not a part of this program. I remember at my first meeting i was so scared and worried, thinking he was behind me, listening to me, or that someone would report back to him what I had said but that's EXACTLY what al-anon is not. No-one will tell you to do ANYTHING and they certainly won't tell you to leave or try to interfere with your AH. What they will do is show you some tools for making some peace and happiness for yourself and ways to focus on yourself without even thinking about your AH or what he thinks says or does. Meetings are 100% about you and he isn't even a small part of the format. When you walk into a meeting, he kind of doesn't exist for a little while. Nothing is about him and if you choose to "air the dirty laundry" at first well, that's OK, we all do it a bit at first but it isn't what al-anon is for and not the purpose of meetings. I think if you spend some time in meetings and reading here on the board you will start to understand, this has absolutely nothing to do with him and he has nothing to fear and you have no need to even talk to him about it. Most of us find it better to not even discuss it with our AH because we start to understand, it isn't actually about him, it's about us and the choices we have made and the messed up thinking patterns we have developed and how we can improve and grow. It's our own private business. I welcome you and I hope you will stick around and give al-anon a try.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 20th of November 2014 07:22:04 PM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi. Welcome to MIP. Is there another meeting you can attend in a different city that is close to you? We also have on-line meetings you can attend. Letting him know these meetings are so that you can deal with your issues might be helpful?
The A typically has a delusion that the people around him don't know about his drinking, long after it has become incredibly obvious. It shows how deep in his craziness he is, that he thinks the only way anyone would know about his drinking is if you tell them. The A's denial is so strong!
The thing about interventions is that they have a very low success rate. They can sometimes get the A into rehab, but unless he has a strong desire of his own to get and stay sober, the rehab doesn't "take." He's back drinking again very soon. So the fact that you haven't done an intervention is not a big deal. The odds are great that it wouldn't have made any difference.
It's ironic that he thinks the biggest shame would be being seen to be an alcoholic, rather than being an alcoholic. Not that it is shameful to be an alcoholic. But I do think that many of the things that active alcoholics do are things that any thinking person would feel shame about. But he thinks the shame is that people would know, rather than that the shame is the choices he is making and things he is doing.
I hope you'll find a face-to-face meeting, read further on these boards, keep coming back, and take good care of yourself! Living with an active alcoholic is hard and no one should have to do it without support. Hugs.
Hi Pat and welcome to MIP. I'm so glad you found us here. You are among friends who know your pain. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects not only the alcoholic but also the family and friends of the alcoholic. Please try to attend Al-Anon face to face meetings. And when you can't get to f2f meetings, come to the online meetings here. The first thing Al-Anon teaches is to stop obsessing and worrying about your alcoholic spouse. You cannot help him/her. Instead focus on you.
I would tell ah that the Al-Anon meetings are for you and not about him. Tell him one thing that Al-Anon does NOT do is push anyone to go to any kind of interventions.
Hang in there, Pat, and take one day at a time. If you can't get to a meeting soon, then spend time here reading. Also, if you can get your hands on Courage to Change, (this is an Al-Anon approved book), it will help you tremendously.
Keep coming back.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Welcome to MIP! I chuckled when I read your post, as my beginnings with al anon began the same way. My husband and I lived in a small town in ND, and he reacted the same way when I began meetings. I felt the same as you and quit going to the meetings. 20 some years later I began again. I wouldn't recommend such a long break!
