The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH and I had to go to a meeting at our local council this morning, accompanied by a young official chap. There was a long wait, about an hour, before we could go in, and lots of other people were also waiting to see this particular council official. Anyway, AH and our young chap were chatting away and I was politely listening, attentive, eye contact, all the usual conversational inputs. After twenty minutes, I realised that neither AH or the young official had made eye contact with me, or acknowledge my being there at all. I carried on for another five minutes to check that I wasn't imagining this and nothing changed. I started to get angry about it and realised that was hopeless so I spent about fifteen minutes admiring the view. Then I thought, I know, I'll say something vaguely interesting. Which I did. And that was ignored as well. So I walked away for five minutes. But I was finding it all so rude and irritating. When I get irritated I am inclined to cry so by now I'm beating back tears. So I said something calmly to AH to indicate that this was winding me up. He acknowledged that they were being rude and apologised. But nothing much changed - partly because, by now I was so wound up that I couldn't look either of them in the face! I had completely disengaged.
After the meeting was finished we called in at a chemist to pick something up. Phew, I'm feeling calmer I thought. Then I cracked my head on the car door and just dissolved in tears! I don't often feel sorry for myself, but this really did sweep me up.
I really struggle sometimes to know what to do right!
Anyway, I'll be running a hot bath shortly and having a soak and will start feeling grateful again in due course.
Milkwood,
I can so understand your feelings and have experienced a similar incident in the work place many years ago I was a Marketing manager at the time and was called to the male VP's office to explain a difficulty with a new product and the marketing process. After I finished speaking another male VP, who was present, asked a question regarding the situation to the VP whose office we were in. He then turned and asked me the same question . I responded and he then took my answer and explained the answer to the other male VP. This went on two or three more times, until I became enraged and verbalized my anger and left. If I had alanon principles and tools I would have validated myself and not stormed out. :)
I am sorry you hurt your head and glad you are taking care of yourself.
(((MW))) The need to be heard and seen is a basic human need. Since I'm not in the official's head, I'm not sure why he didn't acknowledge you and yet knowing that you are a beautiful woman and in Italy perhaps he didn't want to rile up your husband? Perhaps your husband didn't like something he saw in the county official either? We can choose the way we perceive a situation and what it means. Validating yourself can also include remembering that you are a woman of beauty and your husband isn't stupid. He picked you. I'm sure he didn't miss your beauty either. Maybe attraction and jealousy came to call in the both of them and they were handling it in ways that seemed discounting and hurtful to you? Regardless of their motives, their behavior is a reflection on them and not on you. If it happens again, you can always validate yourself and go find someone who will talk with you and leave your AH to wonder where you went?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of November 2014 08:18:29 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of November 2014 08:29:34 AM
People behave badly and it does hurt when it seems they see us as inferior, insignificant and invisible...sometimes it really is true that is how we are perceived by them but it is not truth. It just shows who they are in the moment. .Now I will share my first thought. People sometimes are asshats.
I have had those tearful meltdowns, too, when I get hurt. I know when it happens I need to kiss my boo boos. Let your magical child play for a bit. (((Milkwood))).
Oh Betty, I've never been very good at those boardroom games, they drive me nuts. I definitely have something to deal with in that regard.
You are right Grateful. The young official chap has a large birthmark on his face and I can easily imagine that he is a shy young man. I am not spitting at him, or even at AH. There is simply something inside me that reacts to feeling unheard and my frustration seems to be directed mostly at myself.
Magical child is playing with her tapestry as I type Paula.
It has been a stressful few days and I guess it has all added to my over-reaction. The police arrived at our house yesterday to tell us that a couple of escaped convicts were on the loose on our hillside and that they would probably be looking for a car to steal. The population of our local area is less than 100 and our home boarders on wilderness. Anyway, I found out this morning that the criminals have now be detained again, but it was a slightly more fretful night than I have grown used to - even the dog has had surgery this week and he does not look so frightening in his big cone shaped protective collar!
These sort of occurrences are things that I have taken in my stride in the past and I am not usually anxious. However I am noticing that I am more anxious than I used to be these days, and I don't like it much. I will give myself a pat on the back and say hey, you are feeling feelings, that is going to be a good thing, rather than trying to be perfectly calm. I think that helps.
Sometimes, when I feel rising and unrelenting anxiety, there is a truth in me trying to make itself known and I don't want to look at it. At other times, it is me trying to peer into the future again. Journaling helps me face what I don't want to see. Recognizing that I'm future focused helps me return to myself and to the day.
Ugh I can imagine this being upsetting to me too and especially the feeling of being over it by the time there might be some acknowledgement at last. And then the cracking the head, ugh I could almost feel it. I always seem to meet with something painful at those times too, right when i am trying to get my mojo back and shake off a mood. Earlier I was feeling really cross with the yowling cat and I bent over to pick him up, trying to be calm....and there was a pine-needle sticking up in the carpet that went neatly under my fingernail and drew blood, grrr I let loose with a rude word and then sat feeling upset that others in the house would have heard...ugh, we can't win sometimes!
Hugs, and I'm sending you a psychic pat on the back too
In fact, let's all send psychic pats on the back...it might feel like you are getting a Swedish massage lol!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I agree with Paula on this. And here's a Catherine suggestion to go with it: Next time AH decides to ignore you, pack without a word, hop a plane, come to Michigan and talk with us. We'll pay attention. When you get back to Italy, I'll bet Mr. I Can't See You will certainly be seeing you. (Only part of this suggestion is tongue in cheek.)
MW It is quite understandable why you are feeling uncomfortable What you were experiencing with this official, and the concern regarding the escaped convicts, was unsettling and anxiety producing. Having your guard dog incapacitated also led to the insecurity.
You are very human and it is very important to be able to feel all the feelings that human beings feel, share them, learn from them because then they lose the power to dominate our thoughts and our lives.
You are an intelligent, professional, attractive woman so please be gentle with yourself.
Oh this makes me mad too. I cant cooe with that much either. I would like to think I would say excuse me but I feel ignored and I would like you to stop or so ething but in reality I would probably get a bit huffy and a bit rude, make cheeky comments or snigger at them or something, maybe even but right in with a loud comment. None of this would make me feel any better, I wohld feel worse having showed myself up so it sounds like you kept your dugnity which is a success.x
Oh, I love the idea of sitting with you in Michigan Catherine, just love it!
El-cee, I used to think that I would be like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland and that the last part of me to fade away would be my smile - but perhaps leaving a whiff of dignity might not be so bad!
Thank you all for your kind sustaining words, you meant a lot to me today.
I saw a beautiful owl this evening, he flew round the tree in front of me and then straight over my head, his eyes reflecting the lights from the house behind me. So silent and beautiful and exciting. Such a treat. I'm feeling very lucky!
