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I know this is probably a case of qtip but it feels so real! I'm very hypersensitive of late, it's truly hideous. Anyway today I received a cloak and dagger dig on my familial background through my stbx mil through my ah. Its regarding an aunt who is a whackjob drunk coda drug abuser....how my cousins survived is testament to the above ones will. I have nothing to do with her. She knows I don't have any time for her. I didn't let my ah finish his sentence once I heard my mother said and your aunt I ended the conversation, not very gracefully either. Just a "I don't want to hear what your stupid family have to say about mine". And all these feelings rise up in me, defensiveness, anger, abandonment. I'm an extremely loyal friend a d family person. Attack the ones I love and I will not stand for it. Only, I never get this in return. And so, I find myself hurt and angry again that my ah NEVER stands up for me EVER. I think what's really going on for me deep down is Greif,as I mourn someone who never was,being my ah.i used to ask him,who are you,really? Early in our relationship,and have come to gather a significant lesson from this marriage,which is, know a man by his action not his words. So this phonecall with his mother was upsetting to me. Also she knows were having marriage difficulties and is a nasty person so I do view it as an attack on me. His family are forever attacking me which is really quite bizarre given that for all appearances his life has improved thanks to our marriage. They love to hate him until he's loved then they love him soooo much they build him a house.the same people who use to lock him out of the house and make him sleep with the dogs.they never came to the wedding either,not that we cared on the day, we were a pair of beautiful rebels who wed barefoot next to the beach accross from my family house.truly I can ignore most things if my goal is being fulfilled. I could put up with his family if he stop up for us,but he never did not once. It got worse. Two weeks out from birth with a lease about to expire, he'd drunk most of the money and never gave me a dime. His stupid sister, decided she needed to talk to him and him alone, he never said no just showed up with me. It was an ambush. I was straight up, I always am. Told her and her friend it was none of their business to rescue him, we got into this mess, wed get out. Also, I never feared not getting a house, that's hps gift to me,plus I know how to dress,speak and write well. Anyway the sister got angry and says : I'm doing this to help my brother,not you. I smiled,patted the table and said there it is,honesty on the table, turned to my husband and said its your family or me take you pick because nobody talks to me like that. And I let them get hysterical, stood up and walked out nine o clock at night in Sydney heavily pregnant and caught two trains back to the flat we stayed at. He never followed. After birthing that baby alone,drove me to the hospital,iron levels so low its lucky I never bled and she was an unstable lie so had to be induced, he picked us up fresh off a bender with a hickey on his neck, a msg on his phone,two bottles of jack Daniels and no cot for the baby. Punched me in the head when she was three days old in my arms and told me to leave and without my daughter. Now sometimes we can be provocative of the tiger,but I swear I was like a professional peacekeeper at that time.even with his infidelity right in my face I never got angry. I guess I'm facing the truth now because every where I look its looking back. The person I married was never there. A friend of mine gave me some wise words, they seemed alanon friendly. She said,give him nothing,no arguing,no fighting,. Be nice in the meantime because it takes less of your energy to be nice than to get angry. You need your energy for you and the kids. Find something beautiful in your day whether its a flower or a cloud and show the babies. So I'm bringing my sad here and letting it out. Thanks for the space!
I did use to be very loyal and defend my siblings and friends and wonder why I never received the same in return. Now I tend to just avoid conversations where people are being criticised because they don't really enhance my experience of the world in any positive way. I'm really struggling to understand why people are so determined to spend all of their time speaking ill of everyone else. Is it that difficult for them to feel good about themselves? Really? I think they used to like to tell me these things purely because they knew how much it would upset me. I know my A's mum said and believed some absolutely ridiculous things about me and my relationship with her son. It used to make my blood boil. So it's a lot better for me to just not talk to her at all. But I am lucky in that A never told me what his family had to say because he never bothered to talk to them himself, that was my job as his secretary and phone-answerer LOL. I don't think i could have tolerated it if he did. Anyway hugs. I hope you do find something beautiful to take your mind to a happier place. That way the angry unpleasant people don't win
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 20th of November 2014 06:26:17 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
(((Aquamom))) I Thank you for having the courage and clarity to share your pain and with such honesty. I do so understand and have experienced the same lack of understanding and support from the A's in my family.
Alcoholism is a powerful, dreadful disease which ,in my FOO ,is evidenced by anger, judging and blaming of others --talking the talk of support, friendship and love but not showing up when it counts or walking the walk .
Seeing the reality, although painful is a necessary part of recovery I do love what you friend shared about taking care of yourself, not engaging and treating them with kindness as it cost you less energy and enriches your spirit. I believe that is a summary of alanon's philosophy and principles. I also believe that alanon traditions and steps were set up in such a way to provide us with the family support and and structure that we were never privy to ..
We are powerless over Others but we do have power over our own responses. Remember that you are not alone, trust HP to be with you always and keep coming back to this Family. Feel the love and support that will help you thrive. I too look for something beautiful each day as it really helps
My ex-A went on the attack on my family as well. In retrospect, I view that as the end stage of the relationship because it turned totally toxic. People who attack each other's families have contempt for each other and that signals the end of a relationship. Contempt typically predicts divorce at like a 90 percent rate.
Your share is more than just him attacking your family though. It was an emotional inventory of the whole relationship...There is a lot of good recovery work in there. Almost like part of a 4th step. Keep up the work.
I remember times of mutual family attacking...they were ugly ones and I always hated myself for engaging in them. I am so glad they are over. My intention was to hurt my husband deeply and when I did I crumpled inside. Good that you can bring this stuff here..it does hurt when ones family or personhood is attacked.
-- Edited by PP on Thursday 20th of November 2014 08:50:18 AM
Lots of buried pain there, aqua, rising to the surface for you to see, feel, accept and heal with help. I'm glad you aren't trying to work through all this alone. Sending you lots of positive energy and a suggestion to be very, very gentle with yourself. Waking up to all the ways alcoholism has affected us and experiencing how it has affected other family members is very challenging. Your readers, meetings, fellowship friends, MIP and spending time with others who help lift you up can help you practice being gentle with yourself as you process some of this stuff one day at a time.
Thankyou for helping me see and feel I'm not alone. As painful as it is, it feels sooo much better than the frantic fear of his non appearances while binging. But I almost dont trust my emotional state, because it seems fragile. I feel good,then in a minute I'm suddenly under water, feeling with great intensity. I don't trust myself to open my mouth! So yes gentle does it. Gentle,gentle. PC contempt is exactly the right word. There's a raging river of it flowing through me. On the one hand, it feels healthy, like I'm rejecting the alcoholic reality. Something inside is standing up for me. On the other hand,its like Paula said, the causing of hurt squeezes my heart. Hard with little ones. Cant hide under my blanket curled up in a ball for a bit. Might try it now though, an hour to go till they wake up.
We need to snuggle and niggle (a word that just popped up) and soothe those wounds that just pile up until we crash from the weight of them. We will love you through this
