Sadness too Great - Al-Anon Family Group

Hullibee · Senior Member

Sadness too Great

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{Hulibee}}}

Is there a reason you have to take him in? There are many people with no place to live, and you are not obligated to let any of them live with you. Even the ones who haven't done anything to offend and hurt you. That's what HP is there for. And A's are very clever. Generally they plead no choice, and desperation, but if we don't let them play on our good will, we find they typically land on their feet anyway. When I kicked my A out, I thought he would be living under a bridge within the year. It's ten years later and he's in a terrible state but what do you know, he's had a roof over his head the entire time. Heaven knows how he does it, but when their comfort is at stake, they seem to make an effort when otherwise they wouldn't. They conceal their capabilities so they can leech off us.

Your A is on Easy Street with a place to go after his GF kicked him out. (And what must he have been like for his GF to kick him out? Doesn't even bear thinking about!)

I don't mean to tell you what to do. Except that you need to take care of yourself, because you are precious.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hullibee))))) The Courage....to change the things I can. This is the unacceptable the program talked to me about "not" accepting and having the courage to change. This is your opportunity...not his. You have the love and caring down right and now its the time to put yourself in receivership of it. Get sad about how you are treating your self and change that. Standing with you in support. At one time I was at this point in my program and my sponsor taught me and left with me a slogan which I still use today... "STOP"!!! I did...your time now. In support. smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 19th of November 2014 04:19:38 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee: I'd feel angry, too. I'm not sure what your options are in this case and I know that you will figure them out with the help of your HP, your sponsor, Al-Anon meetings and your other supports. I realize that you both co-own the house at this point. That makes things a little more difficult for you and not impossible. We don't have to allow an A to do anything they want to do whenever they want to do it. He doesn't want to discuss anything for reasons of his own - most that may not even be true. It might be helpful to read the Merry-go-round named Denial, Just for Today and the Detachment pamphlets you can find at the AlAnon WSO if you didn't get them in your Beginner's packet? Anger can be utilized as a tool to take better care of ourselves in a way we hadn't considered before. MIP and Al-Anon fellowship both can be a big help for you in letting go of the anger as you do what helps you feel better about you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee, im sorry your going through this. I learned through alanon that people treated me the way I taught them to treat me. He is treating you badly here but you are accepting it and by doing so, encouraging it. We must take responsibility for ourselves. Im sorry if this sounds harsh but you have choices, always. You could tell him to leave, if thats not possible for whatever reason then maybe you could leave for a while. I dont understand how he is the one behaving badly, he left you and comes back, treating you with no respect or kindness then hes the one who wont talk to you or touch you. Why would you want him too? You deserve better than this but in my experience getting people to treat us properly is in our own hands and it takes action. Its not easy, nothing worthwhile is but while you sit back and take no action it is time your wasting when you could be living a good life like you are entitled too.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hullibee You deserve respect, kindness and courtesy and I believe he is doing you a huge favor by not touching you .

I agree with all that has been said and just pray that as you reflect on all that has been shared, that the small voice within will whisper the solution that is right for you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Can you envision being okay regardless of what he does or doesn't do? Maybe you will be sad if this does not work out, but can you imagine being okay in terms of being able to carry on and your HP continuing to look out for you? I'm saying this because your posts still sound very much like your mood and well being are tied to him completely. Almost as if HE is your higher power. I know it has been a long marriage but he's literally trampled your boundaries and revealed he's not the man you thought and he may never be. Your serenity has nothing to do with him deciding anything. It has everything to do with you developing inner peace, a sense of security, and self-esteem from within and not from him.

So when you say "All I can do is cry" - I do not understand. You can do lots of things. You can go to alanon meetings. You can go to CoDA. You can rely more on family and friends. You can workout more. You can join groups and clubs. You can get a sponsor and work the steps. You can do lots of stuff for yourself.

It sounds to me like you have yourself on marionette strings and are letting him hold the handles.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

When I'm too close to the drama, I sometimes write a similar scene in a play. I create the location, characters' names, etc. The actions are not the same as what I'm struggling with, but the behavior is similar. I take a break before I read it. Oh this is improbable. Nobody would behave like that.

We here know well people do behave like that (whatever the drama I've thinly disguised), but the behavior's unacceptability is then clear to me. My insides will have been telling me THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE but I ignored it. This is how I distance myself to see the truth of a situation keeping me struggling.

Is it possible for you to take time and space to listen to your own voice? Joining those in support of you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Why did he bother to come home??? He came home because he can. Why wouldn't he? The program works if you work it and you are worth it. I don't hear that you are ready to heal...and I know this might sound harsh. I hope for you, that you become ready, soon so you can begin loving you like we do.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

I think Jerry F said it well.Get sad about how you are treating you. You are worth so much more than this.Alcoholism is progressive Hullibee. It can and does get worse, you cant control it. Can't make him be what you want him to be,cant get him to see how terrible he's treated you. But we know it was wrong. I can understand why you took him back,and I knew he'd be back. But to sit and watch him pine for another woman,to allow him to use you as a convenience, how much hurt does this man have to give you before you go, ok I get it, I need to take care of me because you can't. And he can't Ellen. He is a selfish addicted creature with no respect for you. The emotional depth of an a is shallow. We feel all their feelings for them so they don't really get to. Its terrible on our part too. ((((hullibee)))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Al Anon teaches us to care for ourselves, look at what we want need. We learn to stop being controlled by the A's disease.

So my first thought after reading your share was, it's not why did he bother coming home, it's what is it about you that you allowed it.

He has no respect for you, What makes you want to talk to him?

hugs, debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I met my exAH when I was 17 years old and he was 20 in the marine corps and already a heavy drinker. Over the 15 years we were together he had left me more times than I could count, he would get mad and move out, I would beg him to stay and not even realize how I could live without him. He would come back after awhile each time without much of any reason and we would go back to the old dysfunctional cycles of old. I raised my oldest this way for most of her life. As time went on he got worse and worse and sometimes scary when he would black out if I would dare to try to keep him from driving out to the bars drunk, I never learned to stay out of his way very well. He had cheated and done only God knows what and I always took him back without much of an apology. I never had much self esteem or worth and let him own my power. After I found al-anon I had barely dragged my poor sad carcass out of our house into a small place with a 2 year old and a 12 year old. As time has gone on I have grown so strong and now would never tolerate the things I have.
Just keep coming back to MIP, make it to as many face to face al-anon meetings that you can and practice self care. Dig into your recovery and read everything you can al-anon and things will start making sense. The serenity prayer saved me many nights! Sending you love and support!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee, I agree with what the others are saying and especially PP. He came home because he can. Jerry said it best>>>The courage to change the things you can. You can't change your ah, but you can change you. Focus on you and your well-being. Please get to some Al-Anon meetings. Please don't depend on someone else for your happiness. Please take care of you.

((Hullibee))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:

So when you say "All I can do is cry" - I do not understand. You can do lots of things. You can go to alanon meetings. You can go to CoDA. You can rely more on family and friends. You can workout more. You can join groups and clubs. You can get a sponsor and work the steps. You can do lots of stuff for yourself.

It sounds to me like you have yourself on marionette strings and are letting him hold the handles.

Hullibee, I agree with the others.....this post particularly b/c pinkchip is spot on and Mattie asked something about why do you have to take him in?????? I hear ya....i feel for ya, but we, here on this board can't do anything but encourage, give you our wisdom, experience and hope you get a sponsor, work the steps, meetings meetings meetings and more meetings ...this guy has total control over you but YOU can STOP it....you can take back your life......he is there b/c your house is his "pit stop" till he finds another more "fun" place to stay....I liked what Betty said about it was most likely a favor to you he DOESN"T touch you.....I hate to see anyone b/c they are so broken hearted, let someone stomp on them....yes, marriage was long, but does that mean this guy was ever right for you???? I urge you to get into meetings...find a sponsor who can guide you with the 12 steps....for your OWN sake....You won't come out of this w/out help....what he did to you was abhorrent, but you can take back your respect by taking care of you and dropping him like a bad habit and working on you...if this were me, and I could not legally get him out (i wold think adultury/shacking up w/girlfriend would be enough for you to be on the good end of divorce settlement) so if you can't get him out for some reason, you can take back your life....like pinkchip says...LOTS of stuff you can do.....We are here for you, but you have to make the decision to help yourself....you know the old saying?? God helps those who help themselves, is true...you have to make the decision to change the things you CAN and let go the rest and pray for wisdom..........IN SUPPORT

-- Edited by neshema2 on Wednesday 19th of November 2014 08:54:43 PM

katiemac · Member

Aww. I'm sorry you're in the throws of mourning & the pain that goes with it. I have a couple things here . One is that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior from the alcoholic. The other & the best tool & gift really is to lower my expectations of the alcoholic. I even have gone so far as to have absolutely no expectations. When I had no expectations I wasn't getting hurt.by what I wanted & wasn't getting. Then I learned from meetings & my sponsor how I could get what I needed & wanted from myself. I was so surprised when I learned how much I could provide myself of the love & nurturing I wasn't getting from the alcoholic.

Thanks for sharing your struggle! Your struggle is ours too. You're not alone. We know how you are feeling & why.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sorry you are feeling so sad. I think your husband moved back because he knew he could. He doesn't want to be homeless. My guess is that he only moved home for selfish reasons. This is an example of why I had to move out of my house. It's hard to make an A stay away.

Another way to look at this: maybe HP is reminding you what it was like to live with him...and maybe you can see that living without him wasn't so bad after all?

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Wednesday 19th of November 2014 10:20:49 PM

Hullibee · Senior Member

I appreciate all you have to say. I know I'm struggling with boundaries. I have asked him to leave.. He just says it's his house too. He's paying the house payment.

I really liked Jerry's response. STOP!! Is this an acrynom? What does it stand for?

I've had a busy night and couldn't get back to you all. Now I need to go to work. I'll try to respond again later.. Thanks again for all your esh.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Pinkchip you are so right. I know I am codependent. When I say all I can do is cry I guess I am still in the grieving process. I am trying ti break free of his hold over me. He keeps telling me this too. Not that I really care what he's saying right now. I have been trying to do all I can like go to alanon meeting, talk to my sponsor, and read materials. I spoke to my regular counselor yesterday. It didn't help much. I've made an appointment to see an alcohol counselor today. I'm hoping for more solutions. I know it's up to me!! I know I need to get my strength back. I really am trying.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thanks all. I agree so much with all you are giving me. I think he moved back home because he could. So true. He surely didn't come home because of me. I know that. It is very evident. I guess I was looking at it differently. I need distance to see the big picture. It's not good. I know that. I was doing fine on my own. I know I can survive without him. I can move myself but I feel that it's my house why should I leave??? I'm the one with the job in town. He could live with his mother or brother but he chooses not to. I truely think he's just biding his time until gf takes him back. that is why I need distance. I can survive!!!!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate Hullibee, and your situation really brings back some sad memories of a similar time for me when I had been left for another woman..then the man in question returned to our home and ignored me and treated me like garbage...then left me for yet another woman and came back again....and at the time I couldn't find it in myself to simply cut him out of my life because I was so deeply hurt and couldn't understand why he would treat me this way, we had only been together 6 years too so it must be magnified so many times for you.
But I do know that the more I practice practice practice my program the less I wonder "why" and the less need I feel to win back the love of sick, harmful people. I find it hard to imagine myself in that situation yet I remember the pain and also how unkind I was to myself about it...so all I can tell you is I really believe if you keep putting one foot in front of the other, going to meetings and working through the steps things will just change within you and you will lose the ability to want love from someone that is awful to you. I'm sure of it.
And I'm sending you hugs too. This awful time WILL pass.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so happy to hear you will seeing an addiction counselor; that was the turning point for me. My boundaries were very weak, too, Ellen. In time, as I really came to believe my life was in my Gods hands and I would be safe turning my life over to that benevolent force, I came to have reverence for my life and my boundaries were just as God intended. Based on this post, you are surrendering and you will heal if you keep working the program.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Melly and Paula. I do feel I am turning over my power to my God. I feel the warm glow within. I know that I need to recognize it more readily. I need to keep my focus and stop wallowing in the darkness. As my mother keeps telling me "If it's meant to be it will be". It's hard to keep this in mind. I know I'm trying to force his response. I will stop as of today!!! I am STRONG!! I will make it through this.

I do have trouble turning my power over to others. I don't know why I do that?? I think it has to do with my childhood and the way I was raised. I have a strong willed mother that raised us with an iron fist. Well maybe not that tough, but still very strong. I often got into trouble when my will conflicted with hers. It's funny to think about now but she use to tell me Jeff was not the right boy for me. Too bad I didn't listen way back then. I think I thought I could 'save' him even then. Stupid!! I didn't know anything about alcoholism, codependancy, or spouse abuse. I lived a very sheltered life With parents that were strict Catholics. I need to remember those values and go back to my roots. I need to remember the 'bad' parts of my marriage and quit thinking he is the best. Obviously that is NOT true.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You had to live your life the way you saw fit. I don't think parents really do know what is best for their kids once they are adults. I can't say that marrying my deceased x was a mistake. At this stage of life, I believe the marriage was a grand classroom filled with more lessons than I can count. When the lessons I needed to learn in that classroom were finished, I moved on and used most everything I'd learned in that classroom to benefit myself, my kids and the people I worked among. My parents also didn't think that my life's work was right for me either. They were wrong.

When you consider your life with an active alcoholic, are there things you've learned that you might not have learned any other way that has gone into your development as a woman with character and power? As a result of that marriage, what have you gained that helped you accomplish some of the goals you set for yourself? What would you have missed if you hadn't married him? What have you gained in just the last six months that has come about as a result of this major change in your married life?

Not all marriages last our lifetime but the lessons we learned in those marriages can be used to benefit ourselves and others. Marriages represent chapters in our lives that we are authoring. We can choose to go on to author more chapters that are even more growth inducing and amazing than the chapters written previous.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of November 2014 08:40:39 PM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Wow grateful you are so wise. You have put my life into story form. Sometimes I feel like I could have written a book. My life is filled with twists and turns. I'm sure everyone's life is full of these turns but I feel like mine has been like me running into a brick wall every so often. Maybe that's what God intends for us to learn that life is hard work and we cannot move along a straight path without hitting a few walls. Life is a maze. I am just stuck in mine running around lost. I truly need to find my way out.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You will find your way out and I hear insights from you that I have not heard before...we have all been here sister, you are not alone wink

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Brick walls to me are my HP's way of saying: "No, not this way. Choose another." I love to read true stories of real people, Ellen. I see you working through to the heart of your story. I like what I see.

I'd also like to suggest two non-CAL books for you that you can get through Amazon that you might enjoy. They are beautifully illustrated and contain, simple yet profound truths: "Life is a Gift." "To Heal Again." When I was in the throws of grief, I couldn't read a lot, but I could look at pictures and I could read simple truths. These books authored by Rusty Berkus and illustrated by different artists hit the spot for me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 20th of November 2014 11:43:55 AM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen

I was concerned for you yesterday..I am codependent too, didn't think, b4 alanon that i had the right or the strength to do ANYthing but try to please others and i was always reacting, not acting....reactive not proactive

I see a different you, now, hopefully our esh helped you see that you are never alone....You have a part of the divine within you and its soul desire for you is to live the life you were meant to be...happy, joyous and free so you can take care of you and be of service to the universe......

I get the mother w/the iron fist and catholic upbringing.....i wasn't sheltered , i was shattered, but nevertheless i was raised w/the belief i had no rights..no boundaries..no choices...I had to re-establish me as a human being with rights in alanon....

You sound stronger today...GOOD sign....You CAN do this (establish your independence and rights) you CAN....i am glad you are getting some outside councelling , this is a huge event that has happened in your life, but ya know??? when i see me beating my own head against the same unmovable wall, i figure my higher power is telling me..."be like water...if ya can't go through, go around, or under or left or right...OR maybe its a different wall you need to get through"......anyway, now i listen to me and my instincts....if it feel angst inside, i know something is not right....

I am glad you read our replies and got something out of them.....you can do LOTS for you...establish your own life....If he refuses to leave?? and you don't feel up to forcing the issue??? then if it were me?? I would just live my own life, do my own thing., as tho he was just a roomate there....i had a friend do this when she was "done w/the cheating, drinking" she couldn't afford to boot him out yet so she just said "ok, I am done...done w/him in my head, my life, my actions, my activities" she just began to make friends on her own, go out to activities on her own, she just disconnected from him, like he didn't exist.....i think he finally moved on to another "perch" when she just X'd him out of her life, she joined clubs and I watched this and learned something from her.....its whats in your MIND that is most important...what you feel about you in your head.....my friend took care of her self, completely detached/disconnected from her mate and he was't physically violent so she couldn't remove him b/c of that, so she just erased him in her life......anyway, take care and whatever you do...do it for YOU....like he does't exist.....b/c really??? he chose not to exist in your life....IN SUPPORT

-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 20th of November 2014 12:23:53 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think there's "a way out" per say. It's more like you just start using better coping skills and get better at being in the maze and then later on you realize "Hey! I'm not in that crappy maze any more!" Except then you are in a different maze with other challenges. Life always demands constant adjustment and dealing with change. I used to be so terrified of change and so change resistant that I accepted intolerable things out of that fear of change.

So...the maze of life is what it is. It's not bad. Accept it, then embrace it and things will evolve from there.

rainbow · Veteran Member

(((Hullibee)))

I agree with the others. Probably not what you want to hear from someone else but I really care what happens to you. I see this man treating you and your marriage so disrespectfully and while I realise that feel hurt beyond belief, lost and vulnerable, I can't help but wonder if you have thought about why you are letting him treat you so badly?

If you want him back I for one will not judge you for that, but I suggest that you will need to have no expectations of him, and have to accept him as he is and the kind of treatment he has been giving you (now and in the past) as that is who he is and from what you have shared there is no evidence whatsoever that he has changed or is even contemplating change on any positive level. A bit cliche and I am sure you have heard this before but you can't change him, you can only change you and changing how you relate to him will sooner or later make him realise that if he wants you, then he will have to change and if not, then it's just not meant to be. I have change how I relate to my ex-bf and no matter how much resistance and hurt this has created for him, I know I have found my dignity and self-respect. It is so hard to break the cycles and I fully empathise with you and support you no matter what you do and decide.

Sending hope, strength and support

R

preeti · Newbie

Hi everyone,

I am relatively new here, I can so relate to Hullibee and have something to say.. Hullibee I was in the exact same place a couple of months ago, my A acted out of his own will all the time getting back and forth with his addiction.. I had the biggest problem with boundaries and there cant be a bigger enabler than I was.. I even beat myself up for being aware that I cant break thru my codependency and enabling patters..
I knew something is terribly wrong with me, then I prayed and prayed and prayed then I reached out I reached out and man I reached out with an open mind.. it took me a few months to be gentle on myself and demonstrate strength.. I wont say I have conquered the situation but today I can say no to my A when I am not comfortable with something and politely.. by doing this he knows he cant manipulate and has stopped trying for it.. we are still in the same house and I am providing the basics, I know a lot more has be to conveyed but I am making progress everyday little by little.. this is miracle that I am able to put my point across without yelling or loosing me calm thru to my A..
Just keep coming back, no matter how difficult it may sound to reach out just trust in you HP and be good to yourself.. for sometime stop thinking about him, good bad angry, nothing just think about what would heal you and make you happy..

lots love and peace!

P

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Anger can be a catalyst for continuing to move forward in your program. What felt like a healthy sort of anger for me was when I realized I was angry with myself for having accepted less than I deserved. I like that you posted the Serenity Prayer. For me, taking that prayer apart while dealing with difficult things like drama, a crisis or a big decision has been very helpful. Taking the prayer apart, has helped me to inventory myself, my motives, my choices. I feel less alone and part of a team of two - my hp and me. :) More meetings and more calls to my sponsor and other program people and posting here is big too for getting me through to the other side and helps me to keep the focusing on myself. These are things that have helped me stay in reality instead of losing my way and finding myself in that fantasy place lying to myself about what is, minimizing or maximizing what's happening and living in my head rather than continuing on the path with Alanon tools to take care of myself. I may not like reality at times but being honest with myself about the facts of a situation is the start of working recovery around that situation. I may not have always liked the truth but denial sucked aways years of my life. This is where the wisdom to know the difference part of the Serenity Prayer is big. My wisdom is choosing not to repeat my past, to keep recovering one day at a time. Wishing you the best as you work your program with this sudden change that's happened in your life ((((hullibee)))) TT

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you TT. You are so right about the serenity prayer. I too repeat the lines and I'm trying to focus on wisdom to know the difference. I am much closer now than I was weeks ago. I recognize that I need to let my marriage die. It seems to have come full circle. He is the one that killed it and I have had to face that fact. That is why I have been morning it for weeks. I still am grieving but reality has moved in. I have a clearer picture and do not see a way out.

Thank you preeti, I too am a codependent. I know that I have been enabling him. It is very hard to break the codependent cycle. I have looked to him for my answers for years. Funny though that I look to him when he can't make a decision to save his life!!! At least I am closer to making the decision. I see divorce as the only solution now. I just don't want it to get ugly. My lawyer said he could get spousal support because I make more money than him. No way am I paying him to leave me!!! I'll stay married to the jerk!!

Thanks rainbow. I know I need to have no expectations. That is what I am struggling with. do I want to live my life constantly wondering if he is with gf?? That would be a big NO!! I can't live like this for long. It is killing me. He gets mad and tells me to give him time. I just can't seem to do that. I feel like he has had enough time. I cried to him last night and begged him to let me go. He just called me a whiner. I told him to move out again. He said he would go back to her if he moved out. I said I didn't care That I needed him to leave me alone. Well he's still here in my house. I guess I need to force the issue. It seems like I am the only adult in this relationship.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You said what you meant, meant what you said and did not say it mean. It sounds like you have made a decision that works for you. I hope he does not make this anymore difficult for you by refusing to leave. From what I remember, his girlfriend chose to not have him live with her either?

-- Edited by PP on Saturday 22nd of November 2014 01:39:09 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Ellen, I wish the best for you.........It seems you have accepted the facts as they are.....and I, too, hope you can get him out...He could refuse to leave b/c that is his "hotel" for the moment....I would just go about my life, take care of me, cut him out..he does not exist.....when i cook , I would cook for one.....treat him as you would an unwanted roomate...take care of you..do laundry for you, cook for you...do your activities sans him....i would just move on, and by your actions, excluding him, and such, he will get the message, unless he is totally stupid, that you are done w/him and the marriage....i would't even bother w/any conversations with him...he talks down to you it appears, so i would if this were me, i would just freeze him out, be courteous, IF you have to talk..be polite IF you have to talk w/him but I would not engage him, i would just keep telling myself "he does not exist" also b/c it was adultery, i am wondering if he could get support since he did that......maybe start gathering proof?? any evidence you can find to prove adultury and emotional abuse and he may NOT get any support from you..............and like you said, you can just not do anything re: a divorce and just freeze him out of your life....just act as though he does not exist b/c for you?? He does not exist anymore....he killed that when he shacked up w/another woman.......there isn't much he can do if you just freeze him out of your life......i would get into a club , or hang out w/my friends, go do some volunteer stuff, or ANYthing that is just for ME and again........he does not exist.......sending you good wishes...

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Paula and Neshema. All will be ok. He does not exist. That is my new manta.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes...When someone is hurting you that bad and on purpose, it is time to throw up some serious boundaries.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hullibee wrote:
He does not exist. That is my new manta.

There is no worse punishment when you are done with someone but to "kill them off - erase them" in your head, your emotions, your LIFE....."HE DOES NOT EXIST' ..I used to have to remind me about my former bio sister....

I had a very borderline personality sister who LOVED to torment me, jab me, assault my recovery, just do ANYthing to trigger me and then sit back and enjoy while i was sick w/ my ptsd...Serious..No lie....there are "darkness" people like that....anyway, finally i just "POOF" i erased her out of my life...unfriended her from my facebook, blocked her email..blocked her ability to text me..(blocked her cell) .....I just ERASED her....she does not exist.....

I hear tell from the grapevine that she is gnashing her teeth b/c i cut her loose so completely....she can't get at me....she cannot trigger me anymore...I took away her victim and its like she is majorally frustrated b/c I won't let her in to jab at me......now the karma is on her b/c I shun her so thoroughly I don't even acknowledge her at all...we have mutual facebook friends and maybe someone will mention a sister or family or something and i post that all 3 of my sisters are due to adoption and i am very happy with them, I have no bio sisters, but I was blessed w/adopted ones.......she does not exist..I don't think our mutual facebook friends even KNOW we were sisters, b/c I do not own/claim her in anyway......

.the worst punishment to give someone is to turn your back.....shun them...turn them over to creator and walk away, they don't exist...say a prayer to creator about them, in that "she/he is yours, you take care of them b/c I am returning him/her back to you"......

its like u r saying through your actions, like me with this former sister, that they don't even exist and when one does not exist, they cannot impact you......i hope this post made sense...I am doing pain meds for back spasms i get every now and again and this pain is just unrelenting...a very bad spasm...so, my posts may not be so sharp with this pain pills.........

its not cruel to shun someone who is harmful and sucks the life out of you....its ok to turn your back on people like that....you , like me, are protecting yourself...thats all u r doing.....when conversation with them is useless like my BP , former, sister, why bother??? why put yourself out there for them to jab at again??? it makes no sense.....by doing this you are taking back the control of your life....

i see nothing wrong w/ completely cutting a person out.....they brought this upon themselves......

I am glad u r here, hanging with us and getting to meets, you will , when you do self discovery work, see a new and healthier you and never again will you let someone dump on you the way he did....Its revolting what he did and I get ya being mad, hurt, etc., and i had to feel the emotions, let them out, embrace them , talk about it till i was done talking and finally i came to grieving and acceptance of my losses and i just made the decision to move on w/life and i feel so much better about me and my life.....i took my power back by getting into alanon and cutting loose all the bad people in my life....i made major changes in my life re: whom I let in m life and whom i keep outside of my chain link fence that surrounds my heart and my life.......

take care....this WILL be ok....You will be ok......stick w/alanon and i can PROMISE you that you will be OK......IN SUPPORT

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for all, Ellen. Sad stuff to read. He's there because he has no place else that he knows to go. It's one thing if he was acting sheepish, etc. Sounds to me as if his ego thinks it is the emperor and you are one of its concubines. This is where the ego gets to learn that it isn't the center of the universe and you aren't there to do its bidding. Every time you cry in front of him - it gives the ego power. Every time you ask him to make a decision (one he already made from what I've read) - it gives the ego a continued sense of power and control. Even asking him to leave you alone is putting the ego in the emperor's throne. Stop! Think. How might a benevolent queen hold court? How might she treat herself? How might she dress herself, carry herself, show respect for herself? How might she look upon a very sick person who has lost his moral compass, his dignity, his self-respect and really - his home? How might she allow him the dignity of his own choices and the consequences without being punitive, vindictive or revengeful? This is your story, Ellen. You are the heroine of your own story. How do you want the benevolent queen to behave in her own castle in her own authentic power? Would a queen cry in front of such a wounded soul? Would a queen ask for something the wounded soul doesn't have to give? Would a queen allow an ego full reign of a situation? Or would a benevolent queen consult her HP for guidance, wisdom and power and act on what she hears? You can take back your power and still act lovingly in relationship to such a damaged soul. An emperor ego can only be emperor if it has subjects. A benevolent queen has no subjects and doesn't need them either. She only needs to remember who she is and act accordingly.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 22nd of November 2014 06:04:48 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, Catherine, this is a great response....I love it.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
Yes...When someone is hurting you that bad and on purpose, it is time to throw up some serious boundaries.

I agree with this....hes doing this out of INTENT....and its BAD what he is doing to you......My boundary??? He no longer exists in my life.....i can walk in a room and nothing he can say or do impressed me b/c he does not exist......what DOES exist is my love of self...love from others who know I am a blessing.....

some folks will love you no matter what you do..................

some folks will NEVER love you no matter what you do..........

Go....RUN to where the love is and it begins inside of you, then radiates out from there................sending you PEACE energy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.