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Post Info TOPIC: Do you think it's "different" when the A is your adult child?


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Do you think it's "different" when the A is your adult child?


Whether your child is "a child" (when it is understood that you have full responsibility as a parent to care and provide for that child), or your child is "an adult" ( adult in years, but perhaps that child never assumed adult responsibility for him or herself?), you and that child still have a bond (I believe) unlike that of other human relationships.  You nurtured that child and that child is a part of you.

I think that (for me) why it is so painful to watch that child (now in an adult body) self destruct because of their addiction.  I think for me that is why it is so hard to leave behind the parent/child patterns that worked when the child was actually a child (helping the child understand the consequences of their actions, giving advice, picking them up and brushing them off when they fall and making suggestions on how to avoid the problem next time).

Sigh



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~*Service Worker*~

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I think this is a good question for me. I have experience of both. My ex and our son. There seems to be a big difference. It was through dealing with my son that I could put my ex partner back In his place, off his pedestal. My sons problems made me think I could deal with 10 alcoholic husbands easy, well in terms of how little he means to me. The relationship with an alcoholic husband is codependant, addictive, dysfunctional, dramatic and all the rest but when you walk away, you walk away. Over, done, off into the sunset.
My son, there will never be an end to the relationship, ever. Theres no walking away. Hes my son, im going to have this person in my life for the rest of my life, so, this is a disease I will never be free of, thats why I get panicky about recovery. I take it so seriously, maybe more so than others because the stakes are high. Its not about a man or husband, its my child, my adult child. I slip, im back there, enabling, making it worse, causing damage to a fragile 21yr old and myself. Its like playing a deadly game of chess, when its my move ive got to fight those crappy mother instincts or my unhealthy urge to fix, protect, mother, smother, that enable this disease to grow. The relationship with my son is not a natural, easy relationship. I cant afford to relax. I think about what I say, what I do, before I say and do it. My tools are the most important thing in my life when it comes to my son and my other 2 adult children to a certain extent.
It is painful to watch these children of ours, the most painful thing ive ever lived with. I understand, I truly do and im sending you my love.x



-- Edited by el-cee on Monday 17th of November 2014 06:02:17 PM

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I understand since I am the mother of an active A.  It took me some time to recognize that yes, this is my child and I am no longer responsible for him.  I am responsible to him by getting help for myself and I would love to see him do something with his life which may or may not happen.  I am also aware that I don't know what his HP has in mind for my son or what is really going on with my son since I'm not with him 24/7.  I do know that in order to keep my own health and sanity, I had to stop believing he needed me and learn to live one day at a time for myself and no longer for him as I did when he and my daughter were children.  I trust that what I can't do for my son, others can and will and that makes it easier to let go of him and live my own life with mostly serenity and joy. 

I did go through a tremendous amount of painful experiences with my x and yes, I did find that pain to be different than in relationship to my son and yet the program and other parents helped me make choices I wouldn't have made without them.  I saw that I had removed my x as my HP and put my alcoholic son in his place.  I had to surrender both into God's hands and myself, too.  Doesn't mean I don't go through really hard times now with my son but the program helps me see that although we are connected by blood, it does him no good for me to go bumping along behind him.  One of us has to stay firmly centered and he can't yet. 



-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of November 2014 05:23:39 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Yes for me there was a huge difference dealing with the alcoholism in my husand and that of my son. I could walk from my marriage and husband with some struggle but could not walk from my son no matter what .

I lectured, enabled, paid for numerous rehabs, called suciide hotlines, police,and finally in the last end days moved in with him and cared for him until he passed I do not regret a moment of it.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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((((( mothers )))))

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi

EXCELLENT post, and yea, not having an alcoholic child, but an ACA child,  yea, when they are little its knda easier b/c they are small, minors you have more power over, so to speak,  but ya know, when they grow up, they are still your offspring, and when one is doing something that could jeopardize their life, i don't care if you are 60 and child is 40.....they are stilll your KID.....i can jump ship in a marriage or a relationship, but to abandon my kid??? not likely, yea, i can detach,  let them suffer their consequences, all the good alanon stuff, but the HEART of us is there....b/c they are adults, yea, they can choose to drink or get into AA, we can't do anything about it....just love them w/boundaries.....I am so sorry you are a mom of an addict....my heart goes out to you.....I think i got it bad w/my younger brother and best friend, but he aint my child.....to all the alanon ((((((((((((((((((((MOMS))))))))))))and to the (((((((((((((((((((((DADS))))))))))))))))))))))   sending you all  hugs of support



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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YES!  I think it is incredibly painful when it is your child.  I have never in my life not been able to walk away from something that is causing me pain but with my child there is no way I can cut ties.  Yes I  will do the tough love stuff but the natural instinct is for a mother to protect their child like no other and it goes against your internal nature to resist helping.  It is the most painful experience I have ever had in my life and I wish it on no other.  It has made me really open my heart and eyes to other parent s who are too struggling.  God bless and help us all.  I would give up anything in this world for my child to not be in pain. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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I believe that Jill did it  right  (((((mothers)))))...It is what I learned...along with as a father I didn't have the "creator" syndrome because I didn't carry within and then give birth to my children.  I had a different protector, supporter syndrome really a different connection than my wife had...I did not and could not have or understand the connections until day in and day out I hung around the mothers in Al-Anon and the mothers who were my clients during the counseling/therapist years.  I have never given birth to another soul and never will.  What I learned on my level because I did have a father's way of caring with my children was to first deeply acknowledge that "I was powerless and then Came to believe that a Power Greater than myself existed."   My children were taken from me.  The court would not allow them to stand in witness to m parenting efforts no matter how much they wanted to do that and my ex-wife and her religious organization actively kept them from me legally and illegally for years and outside of the amount of fighting I did do what helped me to be present was the first have of steps 1 and 2.  Akua...God as I understand God is my creator father, my true father, the father of my earthly father and step father and my mother and everyone else.  I came to understand and believe it and then turn all that I am powerless over to God as I understand God and I leaned to love unconditionally as my God loves me during the good times and the absolutely horrible times.  My eldest son has relapsed entirely...all levels and I give him the best love I am able by turning him over to both his and my creator father. 

In AA we say, "once an alcoholic...always an alcoholic".  I understand my son's disease because it is mine also.  I understand most that the strongest connection to recovery he can have is not thru me.  It is thru "Our Father" and so God's got us and we both have a part to play in that relationship...I'm doing my as best I can because I want to and my son is doing what he is deciding to do which has its own outcomes I will not judge or interfere with.  I love him because I can and because "Love is the complete....and total....acceptance of every other human being for exactly as they are.   I love him like I love each and everyone of you here...completely and unconditionally.    

I know two things intimately and of those two I wish for him the second.  The first is this disease...I know it intimately and the second is the spiritual recovery process and outcome of our program...I know this intimately also...I wish it for him regardless of who HP uses as the instrument to touch him with it.  My other three children have more sane and stable lives...normal.  I needed this program to have a normal life.  I'm grateful.

To the mothers of this post I have the utmost compassion and empathy for your creator relationship with your children.  I respect and honor your loyal and committed courage and I am grateful for the amount you have taught me of it by example.  God Bless (((((hugs))))) smile 



-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 18th of November 2014 01:18:26 AM

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