The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I writing this here because I'm not sure if I'll ever get it out - and at this point I feel so incredibly alone. I know that I have not been a good person. I have lied. A lot. And I have not been true to myself, or others. I have not been a good wife, and I can't really tell you why. But I haven't. Maybe I'm just not a good person, I don't really have that answer. But it is what it is, and I can't change that.
But I am so sick and tired of feeling ashamed and embarrassed of my husband. I'm seriously not ashamed of myself. I know I'm overweight, but for the most part? People like me for who I am. (At least for the parts I choose to share with them.) But I am ashamed of my husband. I hate that he is not Christian. (Which is silly, because I wasn't for a long time, and I am too shy/scared/nervous/whatever to tell him that I am officially. That I love Christ, and that's another lie that I am living. And I am horribly ashamed of it. But he doesn't agree, and I know that he will find some way to twist it so that I am doubting again.)
But I'm ashamed of how he always smells like alcohol, I'm afraid to take him anywhere. I'm ashamed that he has no filter, and has no desire to have one. He will tell anyone anything.
Tonight, he called me drunk. (He is visiting his parents, 800 miles away) Forgetting we'd talked just an hour before. And he ranted and raved about how his mom was complaining about being overweight (which in the 18 years I have known him, she has had that discussion EVERY SINGLE TIME I have been around her for more than a few hours, so it's no surprise.) So when he told me that he was tired of her rants, so he showed her fat girl porn. I was mortified. For him. For her. For myself. I was mortified. I wanted to die, right then and there.
And to make it worse? When I told him it made me uncomfortable to even think about the situation? He got angry with me for lying to him. For refusing to "open up" and tell him about my true feelings on it. What more is there to say beyond "This makes me uncomfortable"????
I am feeling so alone. I can't tell my friends about this. Because I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for how I have acted in the past. But even moreso? I'm embarrassed to admit that I have an alcoholic husband who is addicted to porn, and has ZERO filter on his thoughts and words.
And I feel like I can't tell him my thoughts, because he will turn it around on me. He drinks because of the horrible things I've done to him - which in part is true. I've lied a lot, about finances mostly, about trying to lose weight when I wasn't, about where I was living (because I had gotten us into a HUGE financial bind and was too afraid to tell him) about the fact that I found school and motherhood too hard and dropped out. I have done horrible things, things that most men would have divorced me for. So I know that I haven't been a good wife on so many levels - but I am just so embarrassed by the whole situation.
And I know he's terribly depressed. He has suffered from depression since he was a child (and his parents have admitted to this, and to not having done much of anything about it) and so I know that plays into this.
But at this point? Tonight? I am mortified. And I am realizing how miserable he is making me. How I can't talk to anyone. And I can't cry to my family, because they hate him for being a drunk (which they know about) and I can't cry to my friends who know half the story because they will just say "I told you so" and my other friends? I just don't want them in on this dark and terrible part of my life. I have debated leaving him - but I don't think that's what I want. I am happy with my life, for the most part. And if I leave him? I'm an unemployed housewife, with a huge pile of debt. I live 600 miles away from my family, and moving home would mean leaving my friends and my church. (Not that he is home anyway - he travels for work and is gone five or six weeks at a time- so hiding his problems is easy for me.) And dealing with the "I told you so" and other crap that goes with that part of my life.
I just feel lost and not sure what to do. Thank you for listening to my rant. I stumbled across this website tonight, feeling terribly alone and lost. I just wanted to rant to anyone who might possibly listen.
-- Edited by HockeyMom25 on Monday 17th of November 2014 01:24:27 AM
Welcome! I am glad you found this website. Al anon has changed my life. Are you able to attend a meeting? There are meetings on here as well. First, I would like to tell you something about your husbands drinking. It's what we call "the 3 C's". You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. I hope that gives you some kind of relief. You are not responsible for his drinking...no matter what you've done. Alcoholism is a very powerful disease. Al anon meetings and literature will help you. You are not alone.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Monday 17th of November 2014 01:46:48 AM
Aloha Hockeymom and welcome to the MIP board. MIP Miracles in Progress...that is what this family is and the majority of us are also members of the world-wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups. Look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for the information on groups near you and call right away. Your rant is not unusual...the disease of alcoholism does this to its victims with monotonous regularity; beating us up and then handing us the mallet to continue the assault. You can stop beating yourself up as Newlife girl mentioned the 3cees these are to give us perspectives he didn't have before. We are not as powerful as we once believed to cause all of the trouble the alcoholic and we blame ourselves for...it is impossible to do that all by ourselves. It is shared problems and all we learn to do is take care of our part. Al-Anon is a "step" program...12 steps of recovery and the first half of the 1st step is "Admitted we were powerless..." We are powerless over this mind and mood altering chemical and disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which is incurable and can only be arrested by total abstinence...if it is not arrested it progresses into insanity and death so the only other alternative is sobriety which you cannot make him want or get. Best we fight for is out own sanity and serenity and Al-Anon and MIP helps us to get there nicely whether the alcoholic drinks or not. Please keep coming back to read and listen. The recovery from where you are at, which is where we use to be at ourselves is available to all who want it. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome. There was a time that I, too, thought totally negatively about myself and about the people in my life. I visited one day with a person I trusted and told him what I thought about myself and the reasons for it. He told me this - that the more swallowed up in guilt I became, the less I could see God/good. He told me to go home and list 10 things I knew I did well that made me feel good about myself. It helped.
Alcoholism is a disease of lies. It affects both the drinker and the non-drinker. The guilt you feel for lying is a good thing since you are aware of it. Your husband's disease is not a reflection on you. It is a reflection on him. What is a reflection on you is the ways this disease has hurt you. It appears that you can no longer live a lie and want to live with integrity. The Al-Anon program can help you recover that integrity and help you separate what is your business from your husband's business.
Nothing you have written here is a surprise to many of us who have done some of the same things you have done or felt what you feel. We have decided to do something good for ourselves and that is to get help with the painful affects of alcoholism that is not a respecter of education, religion, wealth, status, sex or ethnicity. It is a destroyer that is crippling. It's antidote is the unconditional love we find by going to meetings, developing a support system in the fellowship, working the steps and learning the slogans that lead us out of the bondage of this disease to the freedom of becoming our best selves.
Dear hockey mom, welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a dreadful, progressive , fatal disease which can be arrested and never cured . AA is the recovery program for the family member who drinks and Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members who have been badly infected by the same disease.
Although we do not drink we take on the attitudes, feelings and negative beliefs of the disease and lose ourselves in the process. Good news is that you're not alone and that many of us could have written the exact same message before we found the rooms of Al-Anon and the support that we needed so desperately.
As has been suggested Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community can help. We are a fellowship of members who live with or have lived with the insanity of this disease. We too have experienced the lack of self-worth, lost self-esteem and have resorted to all source of negative coping tools such as manipulation, lying, postponing etc.
The Al-Anon program and members understands as few others can. We meet in order to help each other develop new coping tools, practice them in a safe environment, and support each other as we grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically. There are no fees for membership and it is a fellowship of equals. Learning how to live one day at a time, taking care of ourselves in a healthy fashion, trusting in a power greater than ourselves, enabled me to regain my self-esteem and self-worth and not react any longer to the insanity but respond in a healthy manner.
Please search out the meetings and keep coming back here there is hope and help
It was a really rough night last night, I suppose my version of "Rock Bottom" if you will. I've found a face-to-face Alanon meeting tomorrow, that has childcare (something I need, because I have a six year old at home) so I will be attending! (Although I'm more nervous than I've ever been in my life.)
This morning he has called and has ZERO recollection of last night. I shouldn't be surprised, this has been going on for our entire married life. But somehow? It still surprises me.
i am pleased you found a meeting. You are not alone so please just keep an open mind and know there is help and hope. Let us know how the meeting goes. Remember you took the first huge step by posting here.
So glad to hear you found a meeting. When I went to my first meeting I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. What I found was I didn't have to keep secrets. Everyone at the meeting understood what I was living with. I eventually started sharing, and it was nice to just have people listen and not judge me. It was a huge relief to know I wasn't alone.
You will do great at your first meeting. Once you are in there, and talking to so many other people that have had eerily similar experiences, you will suddenly not feel alone!! So much of the problem of alcoholism is the isolation it brings, and that brings negative self-talk.
I hope you go and I hope you keep going back - and coming back here!
ohh i too, didn't like me, was down on me so bad, i verbally abused me, etc., ALL due to alcoholism impacting my life..first as a child w/drunken mother, then marrying into it...chip chip away went my self esteem, starting at very young age.....it was so "normal" i married into it....TWICE
finally i realized that i was absorbing ALL of THEIR negativity and not addressing my own....i think feeling helpless with all the drinking, out of control craziness, violence, etc. was the root of my anger bc i felt so helpless...unable to do anything...
decades later, i wound up in alanon and WOW!!! i saw that there were others like me, in similiar or same situations....Folks could RELATE to me....WOW!!! i was not alone and it was all b/c i found my way into alanon....
I do hope you can find some meetings in your area or get on line and come to ours here....they are great....you will meet up with folks who have been in recovery for a while who can help you get grooved into the program and then work on yourself......alanon will show you the only thing you can do to keep your sanity is to LET HIM BE....let him to his own devices, his own lessons, his own consequences while you work on you..take care of you...get to know you....
as to being a "good person" I thought the same way...i echoed my parent's assessments of me...I thought i was useless...stupid broad....no good...stupid...you name it.....and my first EX put me down as well.....i absorbed all that negativity until i found my way here.....what a life saver alanon has been for me.....it can be for you....
I am so glad you found us and today can be the first day of a new and happier life........take care , sending you SUPPORT
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story so honestly with us, your integrity shines through.
It is wonderful news to read that you are going to a meeting, and I hope that you come back and share with us as well.
I went through a period in my life when I took on all the responsibilities for our finances and I made a huge hash of it - up to our necks in debt. The guilt that I felt about that kept me in a low place where I allowed another (my alcoholic husband) to abuse me in lots of ways. Now that I have restored some of my self esteem I feel comfortable preserving my integrity and showing who I am and what I believe in. It is a gift given to me by my friends at Alanon and no amount of ranting or raving will take those gifts away from me.
Please be gentle with yourself. I like Grateful's suggestion to list the things that you like about yourself. You've been through a lot and btw, your husband's behaviour is his to own, you do not need to feel embarrassed for him, he makes his own choices.
Again, I cannot thank you all enough for all the support I've gotten here the past 24 hours! I'm so glad I stumbled on this site.
milkwood wrote:
Welcome Hockeymum,
Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing your story so honestly with us, your integrity shines through.
It is wonderful news to read that you are going to a meeting, and I hope that you come back and share with us as well.
I went through a period in my life when I took on all the responsibilities for our finances and I made a huge hash of it - up to our necks in debt. The guilt that I felt about that kept me in a low place where I allowed another (my alcoholic husband) to abuse me in lots of ways. Now that I have restored some of my self esteem I feel comfortable preserving my integrity and showing who I am and what I believe in. It is a gift given to me by my friends at Alanon and no amount of ranting or raving will take those gifts away from me.
Please be gentle with yourself. I like Grateful's suggestion to list the things that you like about yourself. You've been through a lot and btw, your husband's behaviour is his to own, you do not need to feel embarrassed for him, he makes his own choices.
Thank you so much for your words. I know (from countless therapy sessions) that a lot of my actions are the result of fear of my alcoholic father, and then husband, lashing out at me - so when I didn't know how to do something it was easier to just not do it, then lie about it to avoid the pain and yelling and eventual guilt or punishment. (Which obviously, isn't the best way to go - but none the less, at least I sort of understand the compulsion.
Nicole when you are in the meeting and it is about to end I hope you hear the very first promise I got which was fulfilled when I first attended the program. "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". Listen to it all without resistance or judgment...take what you liked and leave the rest till later. Happy journey...Miracle In Progress. (((((hugs)))))
Hi HockeyMom and welcome to MIP. You have stumbled across a bunch of compassionate friends who know your pain. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that affects not only the alcoholic but also family and friends of the alcoholic. In your post, you seemed to be trying to take responsibility for your husbands drinking. You did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
I agree with what everyone else has already said.
Take care of you, ((HockeyMom))
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Hi and welcome to MIP- you're in the right place and I'm glad you found us. I can relate to your post. Untreated and without abstinence, alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects everyone in contact and ends in insanity or death. It's much too much for most of us to handle alone. Alanon gives the support and new skills so that I could step away from shame, guilt, isolation, feeling like a victim- start to improve my circumstance and know my authentic self. Keep coming back!
