Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Detaching with love


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Detaching with love


 ....for me means, no more giving advice, no lectures, nagging, no guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, no more tears, trying to control or fix, it means live and let live. Allowing the alcoholic the full affects of their disease. This is the kindest thing and loving thing we can do, anything else is assisting the disease to progress. Giving money, lifts from the pub, making excuses for them, putting them to bed if they pass out on the floor, cleaning up vomit, listening to their abuse or taking part in the blame game, being present In  the room when they behave badly, not calling the police when they become dangerous to us or someone else, including themselves, to me this is enabling, this is helping the disease progress, adding to the damage, joining in, condoning and encouraging the disease.

This is not helping, in fact if the word helping comes into our own justification of our behaviour its probably a clear sign of enabling. Enabling is wrong, damaging and selfish. I did it my whole married life and also enabled my son. The disease had a strong hold on my family.

Detaching with love allowed me to never jade, justifying, arguing, explaining or defending myself to a raging alcoholic is ridiculous, madness. For one, they cant hear you and the minute you begin any of this they have exactly what they want, distraction from the truth of their disease so on it goes. You have given permission for them to keep on. 

Try it, the next time your alcoholic comes in drunk and says, its all your fault, or im drunk because my life is terrible, you dont love me enough, noones ever loved me, boohoo. Say, im sorry you feel that way, im going for a hot bath. Hes left like whats going on? Hes left with bis own uneasiness, your lying in the bath with a nice book, maybe even headphones enjoying yourself, serene.

The usual non alanon response to the nonsense is, I would love you more if you stop drinking, my lifes bad because of you etc. We all know the picture, the scene. As soon as we enter into, accept the invitation he feels better and he will keep going for hours, well in my experience, talking about his horrible, terrible life. By listening you have made it a bit more true. He is left feeling its not his fault or responsibility. Fully admonished.

Detaching with love is not taking ownership of the things that dont belong to you, his disease, the poor hims, the awful childhood, the bad treatment at work. Its all excuses, aids to alcoholism. 



__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 141
Date:

Thank you for this, El-cee. Just what I needed to read at this moment.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

Hey, its been a while sunshinegirl, glad your back.x

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 141
Date:

Thank you, el-cee.  I read here most days.  But I lost my posting 'voice' for a while.  smile

Had some health issues but am proud to say I have seen my doctor for several times for tests and then diagnosis and now treatment.  I would never have done that in the past.  I am looking after myself with kindness. 

Thanks again for your nice response.

 

 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

I can understand that. I found that too, recovery helped me take care of myslef too. I visited the doctor for the first time in years when I got into alanon. Glad your well.x

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 141
Date:

LOL!  Yes, me too!  I am surprised when I walked into my Doctors Surgery they didn't ask who the heck I was!!  smile

 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

Lol, I wonder how many of us get into alanon, visit the doctor and get a diagnosis of some sort? Its as if we start taking notice of ourselves finally, it must be a mark of progress.

__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 287
Date:

This was beautiful El-Cee.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

El-Cee, what a fantastic post - I wish I had read it a few years ago, but of course back then I might not have been able to recognise the good sense of soaking in a lovely hot tub! Thank you so much for your clarity and honesty.

Good to see you Sunshine Girl, and glad you are taking good care of yourself.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Amen! Elcee - Everything you wrote is so spot on. To me though....I believe people need a spiritual awakening COMBINED with hearing these tools often more than once, twice... On their HP's time they will figure it out. I had "victim" "life sucks" and "Mr. Negativity" practically stamped on me for my whole life. I had no clue how to build boundaries against getting treated like dirt because I hated myself and being treated that way and listening to it then complaining about it just seemed consistent with how I viewed myself and the world. I think it was an act of my HP that I just finally surrendered and let the 12 steps and the fellowship rebuild me. My way of living was not working...I also complained about my life constantly for a good year into the program. It took that long for the tools to mesh with my mind and spirit and to then actual make difficult changes in my relationships.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 531
Date:

Great description, el-cee. and when we do this, what a freedom we feel!!!

Thank you for sharing that!

It works if we work it.



__________________

Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-

PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:

Down to earth and to the point...I love that about you.



__________________

Paula



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

Thanks, elcee. I love all the growth I've seen in you and celebrate it, too. You demonstrate the truth that it works if we work it.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Great message and post LC

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

Thanks everyone. I feel detachment is misinterpreted quite a lot. Some members seem to think its about just ignoring the abuse and bad behaviour then they wonder why they are still miserable.
To me detachment gave me freedom and then I began trusting myself.
Your right pinkchip, I had to hear it over and over again, it didnt come quickly or easily. I only got it from going to meetings faithfully, reading and talking over and over. It links in with the idea that we are all entitled to a peaceful life. Sounds obvious but I honestly didnt know I was entitled to that. I thought I was getting what I deserved or what id asked for on some level. I had so much guilt that tolerating intolerable behaviour actually relieved some of my guilt. It wasalso a bit exciting, all the drama and noise and chaos was comfortable for me. When I began believing I had a higher power and I was wrong to allow myself to be abused and my higher power wanted me to be happy then I began detaching with love and protecting myself from unacceptable behaviour.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:

Theres actually a simple wee leaflet, 40p I think and it says if all in about 2 small pages, I clung to that, read that over and over until it sunk in. It gave me permission to live again instead of existing.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

I developed a belief in early childhood that my existence was only to be a help to other people.  I had misinterpreted some things I'd learned and had my priorities confused.  God first.  Others second.  Me third.  Kind of like when you get your chores or your homework done, then you can go out to play or after you help your Mom with the kids and around the house or after you do what God wants and others want you can do a little something for you.  To learn that I had my priorities confused and to change those priorities from God, others, then me to God, me, then others took a long time to get and to believe and to practice.  Live and let live is a wonderful slogan to learn and to practice.  Thanks, elcee.



__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:

I couldn't have said or explained it better El-cee. Thank you.

The feelings of peace and serenity that we all finally get once we learn to use the tools we have been given are indescribable. For the longest time, I believed it would be impossible have peace and serenity in my life. It wasn't a quick or painless process getting there, but I am finally there thanks to Al-anon, my HP (God), and everyone on this board who helped me walk this incredibly difficult journey without even knowing they were helping.

Nothing or nobody will EVER again take my peace and serenity away from me. I CAN control that and I will.



__________________


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 375
Date:

Bravo Elc, I hope those who really need these words of wisdom find this post and read it over and over again. Thankyou for putting it in a nutshell. linsc



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:

Omgosh!!!You got it!!! I am soo soo happy dear one. got chills! So freeing huh? Believe me this will grow and grow. I loved saying that too. I am so sorry you have to deal with that honey.

Remember he told me he was going to burn the house down and i would tell him where he matches were? or say I am leaving, then I would point out the doors for him.

lol Or he was pulling a long extension cord by me one time where i was working in the barn. tripped me big time, he  yelled at ME. i completely ignored the idiot and thought what a joke the disease is. We learn it is not personal.

Oh el cee I am so proud of you and am humbled to have been witness to your miracle!!

Hey ask him sometime when the disease is a butt if he wants to have a bubble bath withyou!!! I told you once i just went up and hugged my sour puss huband He didnt know what to do. lol yay!!!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 934
Date:

Very good summary El-cee. It takes good communication skills to summarize that well.

I also detach now by not apologizing anymore for things that don't warrant an apology



__________________
bud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2071
Date:

Excellent description of detachment el-cee! It's not an easy concept to understand and embrace- it took me a long time to understand what it actually meant before I could even think of starting to implement it!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

I also agree...you have grown soooo much.  This is where I think "she's a PHD...Paying Her Dues...Al-Anon" cause you're getting it and giving it back in great condition.  A miracle in progress.  We never graduate yet we can reach PHD.    Thanks El-Cee  (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 4
Date:

This post is very helpful, particularly the part about "As soon as we enter into, accept the invitation he feels better and he will keep going for hours, well in my experience, talking about his horrible, terrible life. By listening you have made it a bit more true."

It's also so strange because it most healthy relationships, listening to one's partner is a GOOD thing. It's difficult to get my head around how it could be detrimental when dealing with an alcoholic partner.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

It's a crazy making disease, Orchid, in part because what we would be able to do with someone without this disease is enabling for somebody with it.  That's one of the reasons Al-Anon is so helpful. 



__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3968
Date:

Amen and spot on el-cee I so loved this post today and the ESH, thank you! Sending you love and support!

__________________

Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.