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Post Info TOPIC: A bit nervous.


Senior Member

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Posts: 430
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A bit nervous.


Remember when I was expecting a visit from a social worker last week?

Well, that didn't happen last week but today instead.

The Social Worker came here to visit, she is a very nice lady. She asked daughter a few questions about what makes her nervous/sad/unhappy etc and daughter mentioned 'fighting going on at home'...then she asked what makes her happy and dreams for the future and daughter answered and then was dismissed. The Social Worker was satisfied with her emotional state and well being, specially that exH is out and has no key to the home.

Then it was time to question me, she asked me to talk about the relationship and my concerns about exH drinking and mental state, the abuse and etc. I said everything that I said to my doctor and the counsellor and I was clear that I have no concerns about him physically mistreating daughter and that I was hoping he would remain sober or control his drinking on contact days. Now that he has moved out and is trying to move on - not bothering me anymore - I don't thing he would be saying BS to daughter (talking about suicide and stuff), but I know that we can never know. I explained to her that I worry about him passing out when daughter is at his (in case there is a sleep over) because this used to happen at home. It is all recorded in her forms.

Then she asked for his phone number because she will have to contact him and speak to him. I was surprised and asked her what will happen. She said she is just going to offer him support and advice about getting help for his drinking and checking his mental health. I explained to her that he is going to freak out. He will be extremely upset as he really hates people getting involved and doesn't like outside agencies. She said she will have to do it to make sure we are taking every step to protect daughter  when she has contact with him and she will be clear that if there are incidents of him being drunk when caring for her, Social Services will step in and stop contact. I told her that I have no evidence he was drunk on the few occasions he had contact and that daughter reported a very nice and cared for bedroom when she last visited. I asked the Social Worker to not mention her visit to mine and that I was the one who gave his phone number. She said she will not tell him how she got his phone number but will hint that the police has it on records so he won't suspect it was me.

I don't know how I am feeling. It has drained me so much. I am worried, I am not sure why? I know SS wants to help but I am not sure it will be effective. I can picture exH being scared, confused, angry, ashamed. This will lead to more drinking and even suicide? He is already dealing with all the grief, being out of the family home and away from daughter and now SS will speak to him about his behaviour, he will feel threatened. I think I am a bit scared of him retaliating as well. He will know it was me. The police came here for the last time in September and since exH moved on the 2nd of November, there were no incidents at all, there is no reason for the police to be reporting him to SS.

I know I haven't done nothing wrong, I haven't told lies and it needs to be done for daughter's sake. But since he moved, things were going so well, it feels horrible having all this crap coming back to me again. And I worry it is a massive over-reaction. But I don't know how his mental state is at the moment as I don't see him anymore anyway.

I need to calm down. I am glad it is Friday.

Thanks for listening.



__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi, Luiza. I can remember feeling sick when I told the courts my children's father was not paying support as the courts demanded and our children needed. The courts took over from there and his wages were garnished. I felt sick because I feared something horrible would happen to him in jail and it would be my fault. On the other hand, I also knew that my kids eating was important and he was choosing to work, use and not paying the little bit of support ordered at that time. Ultimately, he didn't go to jail and the support was given to me until later when he moved to another state and he didn't have the same court oversight as he did in the filing county. I will say that with the eyes of the State on him, he was forced to do what was important for him to do. In being forced to pay support, he also began to see his role as a father in their lives and took a more active role in it although he never stopped using.

We are not responsible for the outcome of any decision that is made by the spouse, the courts, or another oversight agency. We are responsible for the choices we do make and I believe you did what you believed to be honest and in your daughter's best interest. Yes, he has lost a lot. So, did my x.  So did we.  But that doesn't mean they can't grow because of those losses just like us. It is better that the State does know what is going on because on your own you have learned that you have no power over his drinking or over his behavior. They might be able to do something you can't do that is necessary for your daughter's wellbeing and ultimately for him?  It isn't your job to protect him.  It is your job to pay attention to your motivations and I hear nothing that says you told them anything intended to harm him.  That sounds healthy to me.





-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 14th of November 2014 05:49:45 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 14th of November 2014 05:50:28 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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Thanks G2B.
The Social Worker knows I work with children and she was satisfied with my metal health too, I am fit to do my job. And to be a mother. She said that f something awful were to happen to daughter under exH's care I could be held responsible because I knew there was a potential danger and that all the abuse and drinking being on her records can be helpful in case there is a custody battle or he turns nasty and I need to get a restraining order. I hope she can help me get legal aid too when I need to deal with the divorce paper as I really can't afford a solicitor.
I know I am not responsible for him and his choices, but I worry about him and I can see him feeling betrayed. I don't even know if he remembers all the crap he has put me and daughter through so it must be very confusing. I know I have been trying to reason with him and help him for a long time. I know that he isn't a bad person. He is a person with a crap childhood, dysfunctional parents, a disease of alcoholism and I believe now a personality disorder.
I hope he gets help. I do worry he is so depressed he will follow through with his threaten to suicide. It is a shame his family is in denial. I heard him talking about suicide to his mum on the phone a few days before his moving date. I spoke to her about it on the day he moved and she just brushed it under the carpet.
God please help him. He is alone.

__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
Date:

It sounds as if your meeting was very informational and productive and affirming for you.

Both my x and my son have felt betrayed whenever I wouldn't keep their secrets.  My AS has also threatened suicide many times since he started using.  The disease never likes it when we won't play the "I'll keep a secret game" or when we act in our own and our children's best interests.  It is true that he could commit suicide - the disease can drive many of us there - whether we use or not.  It is also true that he may not.  I thought my x was alone, too, and felt bad about that until he showed up at my door at 3 am only a week or two after we were divorced complaining about some gal he was dating.  They aren't always as alone as we think they might be and even if there isn't another person there, their HP is. 

It helped me to focus on what I knew for sure and to let go of the future.  Otherwise, I could stir up all sorts of guilt and fear for myself that wasn't any good for me and certainly didn't help him.  It also helps me to put my son into his HP's hands whenever I think of him or put my fears for him into my own HP's hands. 



__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Luiza, I used to build bridges to get me over problems even before the problems materialized. I think this is part of our psyche after living with alcoholism. It's our way of protecting ourselves. I like what Grateful said about focusing on what you know and letting go of the future. As hard as it is, try not to project. Try to focus on you and your daughter.

take one day at a time and take care of you.

 



__________________

Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



Senior Member

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So he called me today to ask why the Social Worker is calling him? "It is all your fault" "All of your making" "You created all this trouble" and "They will take daughter away from us" He said.

After he ranted, I explained to him that the police has been called to our home 3 times whilst daughter was there and daughter is involved in counselling. She also has been having problems at school and everyone knows that the fights at home bothered her a lot. Of course Social Services need to investigate to make sure she is having a normal childhood.


I told him I am confident that SS will not take daughter away from me. I am confident that I am a fit mother and daughter has a peaceful, clean environment, good habits and I am providing everything she needs. Now SS wants to know if he can provide the same on the days he has her there with him. I told him that daughter has been reporting that he has a clean bedroom, feeds her well and is not getting drunk. And he is getting happier. So he should be open and honest to SS and just show them that he is a good father.

He seemed to have calmed down. He was panicking. He asked me to be present with him on the day he needs to meet with the Social Worker. I told him I don't mind to be there but I will not get time off just for it. But reflecting on it now I think he should do it alone. I am glad he has been doing the right thing before the SW got involved. I don't need to be there.
I know how he must be feeling and it is not a nice feeling. Even though I was the one who got the ball rolling, I felt scared and anxious after the SW visit. But I think that as long as I don't get back together with him, I shouldn't have any problems. And apparently he is on the right track so he just need to show it.

I called the SW in the morning as soon as I got off the phone with EX but she didn't pick up nor called me back. I find it really strange. I suppose she wants to talk to him before talking to me again? I feel confused because some people over here hate SS and call them evil and children snatchers who will ring any excuse to take a child away from their family. Well I work with children and I know it isn't true but I can't wait for it to be overcan't wait to SS do their job, inspect EX, give him advise towards seeking help for his problems and close the 'investigation' as they say. EX sent me a message tonight saying that all he want is for everyone to be happy and daughter to be ok. I think he will have a lot to reflect on until he meets with SW. This only can be a good thing.

Thanks for listening.



-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 17th of November 2014 07:46:04 PM

__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3964
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I had an episode today that may have been a mini PTSD response.  It was so odd watching it happen.  I did what you are doing, I posted, stayed aware of my feelings, listened (am still listening), stayed in present time, said the serenity prayer over and over, calmed down, and kept the focus on me.  It was a good decision to let him handle the visit on his own.  



__________________

Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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I notice that when I don't hear back from someone, my mind goes into instant storytelling. I've learned to say to myself: "There is no way to know for certain why someone hasn't responded." When the issue is especially important to me - I find it helpful to talk with my sponsor. Its as if I already know what she'll say to some degree so by the time I'm talking with her, I'm already in or very close to the "Don't know, trust HP" mindset. Having a sponsor for the really rough things in life is helpful to me even when I'm only thinking about contacting her.

I agree that letting him stand alone as a man and as a father without you there was a very healthy decision. It's like saying without words, "You can handle this."

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

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