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Post Info TOPIC: Shutting down when he drinks


Newbie

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Shutting down when he drinks


I usually react to his drinking in a less than graceful way and he seems self centered as indicated in the disease of addictions.  I met him and married him knowing of his addictions, but not his alcohol addiction. It's not every day to my knowledge but when I ask, he become agitated and I end up frustrated and out of control. I 've attended AL-Anon meetings, but got depressed  and felt defeated. Today, I felt disappointed because I wasn't shown the same consideration I offer to him. I thought I would come home to a comfort but I came home to a defensive distress. Who is selfish and self centered?



-- Edited by hunyboo74 on Thursday 13th of November 2014 06:22:22 PM

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Honey


~*Service Worker*~

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Honeyboo: Welcome to MIP. Perhaps you left Al-Anon meetings right before the miracle happened? I didn't always like what I heard because it felt like such a downer to hear the stories of others at times. Depression often comes right after anger and is the step right before acceptance. Feeling defeated - good thing, too, although it might not have felt that way at the time? I felt defeated, too, by a power greater than I could defeat. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and power disease that we are powerless over just as we are powerless over our loved one. Once I could admit that I had been defeated by the disease that I had often tried to defeat myself and got angry when I couldn't do it and just saw myself and my life spinning out of control, I found help in Al-Anon that rekindled my hope that I could have a better quality of life if I wanted to do what it took to change my thinking and change my life. I kept wanting him to make the changes which always led to me feeling angry and frustrated. When I discovered I could make changes in myself and for myself, what he did or didn't do didn't matter as much to me. Keep coming back. We understand. We've been there, done that and appreciate the distress you are feeling right now. Together, we help each other learn to de-stress, detach, and depend on our Higher Power, the Al-Anon program and the fellowship.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Honey and welcome to MIP. The disease of alcoholism is selfish and self centered. The alcoholic who drinks and the partner who lives with the disease have both been infected by the negative" isms" of alcoholism . This is a disease that is progressive, fatal and one that  cannot be cured only arrested.

I am sorry that you were not able to find support in alanon face to face meetings because Alanon has been established to help the family who has been infected by the disease cope in a more positive life affirming manner.   Please try our on line meetings and keep coming back there is hope



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 531
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Hi honeyboo. Welcome to MIP. You have found a wonderful group of people here who know the pain and depression that you are living. I am so sorry your Al-Anon experience was not positive. Please don't give up. Maybe try another Al-Anon group. I would also like to recommend Courage to Change. This is an Al-Anon approved book that has helped me tremendously.

Take one day at a time and keep coming back here!

((honeyboo))

 



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3281
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Dear Honey,

I do hope you give alanon a chance...i know ..its scary, confusing when your brand new and one can get overwhelmed......that is why i always encourage folks to try the meetings....1 meet a day for the first 90 days, so you get grooved into the program and ya know what to do....

alanon will help you find you and take care of you and learn that you cannot do anything about his problems....but you can do a lot about how its impacting you.....

if he doesn't get help and arrest the drinking, he will suffer physical , mental illness and eventually death....alcohol is a poison and it kills...and there is nothing we sober ones can do but let them learn their own lessons while we embrace our saving grace which is alanon...this program saved my life and my sanity....i was a wreck when i first got into recovery and i, too, felt like "oh whats the use" and wanted to give up, but that inner spark in me, that drive to survive in me would not let me give up..not this time...and i am gr8ful that I did not....please give it a chance...

and by the way, WELCOME to our community.....I am glad you reached out.....Oh....At the meetings, I latched onto the older folks and they were really great at guiding me how to work this until i found a sponsor.......its not so scary when you have folks guiding and encouraging you.........IN SUPPORT



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 

bud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2071
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Hi and welcome to MIP- you're in the right place! Alcoholism is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease; without abstinence and a supportive program it end in either insanity or death. It affects everyone in contact. Alanon gives us the tools and support to improve our situation. I came to Alanon many years ago, but thought it wasn't for me... only to return years later - there is no other place to go. I'm so grateful I returned and kept coming back. Read the message boards and learn all you can about the disease and how it affects the A and those in contact. MIP also has online meetings that have been a life line for me as well. My life has improved and continues to improve. Keep posting and keep coming back.

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Newbie

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Posts: 2
Date:

Writing that post 3 days ago, helped a lot and I appreciate the support. I should have written (I'm shutting down when he drinks" )I attended our local AL Anon meeting on a few  Saturday nights @8pm (when it worked into my schedule) but I stopped when he stopped attending his NA meetings. Our therapist is helping me understand cross addictions, but my spouse declares he is not an alcoholic. I get blurred lines with the definitions and the character defects that I chose to adjust to.  When I met him he was  6 months clean completely,  and I had unrealistic and a misunderstanding of the depth of disease of addiction. I SINCE THEN learned the wonderful word DETACHMENT , but have a hard time taking care of my hurt feelings, when he decides to drink beer or liquor occasionally. It changes him from a wonderful husband to an agitated, sleepy older man(he's 54.5 and I'm 40)  I think its too much for our assumed "easy going/positive"  lifestyles. I know he uses alcohol  to medicate his feelings, and to unwind from a hectic work day. But  I also know that he  resents me for expressing to  him that I DO NOT LIKE IT and  know that I prefer it if he doesn't drink , and this to him means, "your controlling my  life".  He comes to a remorseful place the following day after cutting up and acting out .Of course making it about himself and his self centeredness WOW!! . He and I believe in a Higher Power, and  I believe He can and will heal all diseases INCLUDING ADDICTIONS OF ALL KINDS AND CHARACTER DEFECTS TOO and  or grant enough strength to cope with it better, but it has to be a choice. He taught me what I know about addictions and that the alcohol is one of many drugs  of choice. He sold me on the room of narcotic anonymous and was very active the first 3 years of our 6 year relationship, to include a relapse or two. I threatened to leave him at least 4 times in 4 years , but I didn't.  I guess,  I 'm not sick and tired of being sick and tired yet. I'm learning to pick my battles and often wonder if he never admitted to being an addict, would I have this same invested interest in living and loving an addict?  Sometimes, I wonder if I can do really do this " for better or for worse", in sickness and in health. confuse



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Honey
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