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Post Info TOPIC: wife,don't fail me.


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wife,don't fail me.


its very hard to get rid of an a. Mine won't go. Just flat out will.not.go. And without creating a violent scene, I'm not sure how to force it. Let me be clear that the violence would probably be mine,as I am a volatile person when I feel caged.though I heard something great from a fellow alanoner,who advised volunteering at alanon to keep from killling my a. Lol.no that's not a condoning of violence but an admission of just what a negative emotional trip it is for me to be married to an a. Its for me through my programmero maintain my serenity however,no matter what. At every turn I see him forcing his will on me,his will to stay drinking and enabled. All I have to do is stay put,accept his knowledge divorced of action and spin around the merry go round. There's always an excuse. Always. He keeps trying to make me responsible for him and I hate it! Like recovery. He gas been to an as meeting before,he said it was fun. Court ordered and in the islands where the programme is not strong. God himself would need to run 12 step programmes back there, because drinking is the national sport,recreation and career. Anyway, he struggles with literacy,not uncommon for back home,and no reflection at all on his social background, speaks three languages fluently. His possible infidelities at times drive me insane, more because he denies them but I've learned to trust my instincts,they are never wrong. We had a discussion about that. I said that I can accept he is two different people in his life,one is this great guy who loves his family,is a caring partner,endlessly patient and genuinely beautiful. The other gets drunk and allows alcohol to convince him he is God's gift to women,just waiting to happen. What I cant accept is the in-betweener, who has enough rationality to know which guy he chooses to be by continuing to do insane as defined by Einstein. He wants me to look up the numbers for aa. I say if you have enough literacy to look up Ashley. Madison and google where to meet hot girls in Sydney,you have enough literacy to look up aa. It wouldn't be hard for me to do it,god I'm tempted to hook up my printer and make him a whole recovery folder,but is that really my job? And if I do,then what? Am I going to be managing his whole process as well? I simply can not. I am not God. He knows I'm in alanon and is not against it. He is very against the local women's center however, as they will brainwash me into leaving him hahahaha.back to the point. I can not force him to go. I dont want to put my hopes into a recovery I personally dont think he has the humility to undergo. Is all this just a distraction from my programme? Do I make a pros and cons list of him being here just for today and keep trying to detach until I have the means to leave? Yes I think so. Its very hard at times to not get caught up into the veil of sneaky lies. Thankyou for letting me think aloud.



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~*Service Worker*~

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He sounds very dependent on you, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I am so sorry you are going through this with small children. Alcoholism is such a dark, demonic disease, and its effects on family members are horrific. You last couple of sentences sound like you are working on a plan.

Hang in there and do what is best for you!

Take one day at a time.



-- Edited by cloudyskies on Monday 10th of November 2014 08:40:54 PM

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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



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I'm glad you didn't "look up" the number for him. You are not his secretary either and it only helps to keep him dependent on you. I am glad he isn't in your face about Al-Anon. I'm also glad that you know that violence is unacceptable and that there are ways out of committing it (that alone proves our love for them - grin). If he wasn't blaming the women's center for "brainwashing you," he'd be running around looking for "a guy hiding behind the trees." Better he bashes the women's center rather than suspects you of having an affair if that is how his mind runs. How difficult it must be for you at times to have so much responsibility with so little relief. I love your sense of humor, your posts here, and your willingness to work a program and let him work his own if he ever truly decides to do it. If he refuses to move out now, there might come an opportunity for that move to take place when the timing is right? Until then, we're here to help you continue in this one day at a time program.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I do understand and have been where you are at one time aquamom. There came a day that I had to leave or I knew deep within my heart that if I did not go I would have killed him. I was a stay at home mom at the time but it did not matter-- it was the best move I could have made for my family. I found a job, stayed at my sisters he entered rehab and remained sober until he passed. I returned and we rebuild our relationship. Please keep using program, the slogans, prayer and trust HP ODAT

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


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There was a time I thanked God I did not have a gun....I understand.  (((Aquamom)))



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Paula



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I hear you. When I asked my AH to leave last spring, he was in a panic so I texted him the AA number. I also read to him out of the AA big book one time before then. Sometimes I needed to do everything I could think of to help him,so at least I knew I had tried!!


As far as not being able to kick him out, I get it. I kicked mine out a few times and he always came back even when it didn't feel right to me. This time, I moved out because I knew it would force a change. I wouldn't have to worry about him coming back, because I was the one leaving. I forced myself to get a year lease on an apartment instead of 6 months. I am glad I did.
It isn't our responsibility to run their program. That's up to them. I tried everything.



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Monday 10th of November 2014 10:39:34 PM

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Living life one step at a time



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Oh my lord I love you ladies,very much! Here with a plastic shower cap on my head dying my hair,drinking tea,and having a giggle. To be understood and to have these growing friendships,albeit in cyberspace, I've another thing for the gratitude list.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Just a short program thought from the ODAAT daily reader.  "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers"...that one helped me a ton.  Hope you find it useful.  Violence isn't courage (I know all about that) it is a sign of fear.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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I done it the other way, I left him, he was welcome to 20 years of crap that we had aquired, there was a few things I missed but I got the photos, the baby memories and that was me happy. I found it very difficult to get rid on an a. Mainly from my brain, somehow he was implanted in there like a growth, enmeshed with my own thoughts, were his, my feelings, were his. I didnt know what part of me was him or the true me. When I did leave, I honestly felt like I didnt have an opinion, like something was missing and I felt scared making decisions for a while. Now I feel cleansed, like I had an operation to remove every last trace of the parasite that was him in me. Now when I hear him speak, im like, really? What the hell are you talking about? I so dont get him and its testiment to my progress. 

Keep working it and you will be free soon enough.



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~*Service Worker*~

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I had to move out, because my exAH always came back, all the years I lived in fear of some woman swooping him up out from under me and I couldn't shake him loose when I was ready, it is honestly hilarious to me now! I turned my anger into tears and let it wash me clean many times, better out without sharing the pain in a hostile way, like my mother did. I am glad you are here! Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



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Thankyou all. I suppose its a case of Edna you will learn detachment from obsession and control. I have no fear of another woman swooping him away, I know he could never get another me,perhaps another alky or coda,but never another me. When I'm truly ready to take back my own life, I will. For my sake I hope I do it soon. Such a waste of my own potential to stew in this mud.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I love how you put things, I really do.
I don't have anything to add really, just hugs.


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Glad you got your hair colored, your laugh for the night, a good cup of tea and a sense of support from the family. Looks to me as if you are taking back your own life one day at a time.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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It strikes me as quite well striking how quickly alanon sinks in when you let it. Its like retraining the brain. Not at all easy, but most certainly effective. It is simply a matter of time. I have enrolled in a course which gives me a giggle as its the last profession any one could imagine. I don't want to jinx it so wont state it yet. But yes, I see an exit ramp up ahead. Odaat.

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PP


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It does sink in, even when we don't work itsmile



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Paula

bud


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I agree with Cloudyskies- right now he's latched on. My exAH was like that for a long time. I have come to learn that As will be able to figure out how to manage when given the dignity to do so. You'll know when you are ready to take an action for yourself or enforce a boundary for yourself. In the meantime, do your best to keep the focus on you- your goals and dreams. I appreciated reading your sentiments about not being afraid of another woman sweeping him away and your high self esteem. My exAH did find someone else to latch onto; not another me, but someone else. None of this matters like it used to, as I have found my serenity and work to hold onto it.

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Its not high self esteem Bud. Mine is on the floor. Its just truth. An alcoholic comes with a mistress built in, that mistress is alcohol. Alcoholics use relationships the way they use substances. I don't take it personally. I just lose more respect for the guy with each passing day and feel less obligation to the covenant of marriage, a spiritual union of physical choice, that requires daily maintenance. Time passes, children grow, I pack my bags and gather tools of all description. I can smile,be civil,cook a meal with enjoyment because I know I'm out of here soon enough. This time I'm taking alanon with me. Its a spiritual programme,we are spiritual creatures. I do find a lot of the stuff that comes up in alcoholism is just so basement level, where instead of growing in love, I'm strangled with lies,deception and incompletion. Its immature. I'm married to a 14 year old man child, it feels incestuous, and worse, it means that I am forced to live with societies dictation of a woman's worth. go to the hot place dear society which says I am only as good as my ability to titilate, then I must smile quietly in the corner applauding the up and coming future exploitees while I serve food and clean up. I dont think so. I have daughters. They are going to know their worth inside out till the cows come home and mama sings the song. And that doesn't mean balancing a champagne glass on their rear ends either. Good heavens. I really do believe that marriage today more than ever requires a sober mind and a wise spirit. x2. I still believe in marriage. Just not my own.

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bud


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((Aquamom)) I understand and what you say resonates. It took every ounce of my energy to do what was necessary so my daughter knows her worth- wouldn't have it any other way. Sending prayers.

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