I'm sorry you're having this obsessing phase- I know it well and understand it's discomfort. Other's provided great thoughts. I can relate to your struggle and when confronting this, I need to dig very deep; and I still haven't completely processed things myself. When I check my motives, there are strong elements of approval seeking and shame. I'm rebuilding my life from the ground up right now and it's humbling. I am ambitious, but am doing my best to walk next to my HP rather than run ahead. Sitting in the discomfort - as much as I dislike it- allows deep feelings to bubble to the surface. I also look in the mirror and remind myself that I am enough just as I am. Sending positive thoughts and best wishes for you to find the confidence of being on your true path.

Sounds like the perfect place to get to at that moment.

Hmmm... my post didn't save... but it went something like this- I can relate to your struggle and when I find myself in this position, it helps to keep digging deeper (as you are doing) to my real motivators and triggers. If my motivation comes from a place that forwards my path with HP, then I know my decision is based on a solid foundation. If it comes from approval seeking behaviors, I need to go back and break things down further so that I make decisions based on deeper level of honesty. I often practice looking in the mirror and saying, "I am already enough. I am already more than enough." Sending positive thoughts and I'm confident you'll know what is right for you should the job be offered.

I don't think I will get offered my old boss's job. He was a corporate clinical director which meant that he traveled around the entire state of Florida (which is quite large) to oversee all 13 facilities we have and he could be in these Podunk towns for weeks at a time living out of hotels trying to fix those programs when they had staff turn over and such. So....despite the high pay there, I think I might hate it because I would be away from Chuck and on the road and potentially lonely. Now the other position - well that is the Clinical Director of a program that is almost 5 times larger than mine and with higher risk juvenile delinquents. I went up several days this week to provide coverage and to help train the new assistant clinical director. That place is really chaotic right now. It would come with a lot of headaches and a long ass commute. Currently, they have many kids on suicide precaution, lots of fighting going on and staff that are lax and need to be written up because they are not following procedures. It feels much more like a giant prison than a treatment program. It felt overwhelming being there 3 days. I would ask for at least another 12k to take that position and a good chunk of that would get eaten up in gas.

So...I don't know for sure that it will be offered to me. There is a good chance or I wouldn't have been chosen to go cover there this week. Not sure it's worth the headache. It hasn't been offered to me yet. The problem again is obsessing over advancement and what's best for my career and plotting and maneuvering. It is on my mind entirely too much. It's the weekend and I woke up before 7 am already thinking about it. WTF?

It's just work. It's not that crucial. I have a wonderful husband, a nice home and I do fine. I should be more worried that my inlaws are coming for Thanksgiving lol. OR - better yet - I should be worried about NOTHING because I don't have to be.

Both positions sound like hell to me.  Glad you have options if either job is offered to you and can say "no" to both if you choose.  If your boss could hear the sound of my clapping that he resigned such a stressful and lonely work, I'd record it and get it to him somehow.

A nice home, a good husband, a job that doesn't appear to be stressing you out now, and relatives coming for TD sound good to me for you.

 

Oh wow. Just wow. This is revealing and explains a lot.

Oh...and some of what goes on at work....when you have a job that is.

Thanks Reprof :) The person that dug this thread up a month later is a member here that made a pseudonym just to try and take a dig on me due to me calling them out on another board rather taking an honest look at herself.

Regardless, the post is not that old and I am still working on this stuff in therapy, meetings and so forth. Of course I'm always a work in progress....no matter how many years in sobriety or in program, I have to take a look at myself and my behaviors. I cannot afford to blame other people for my problems or play victim like I used to. I have a good idea where some of my more stubborn character defects come from, but awareness only leads me up to step 6 or so with those defects. I have to take action and do things differently to change.