married women past or present - Al-Anon Family Group

aquamom23 · Senior Member

married women past or present

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I couldn't live with it - not with my x and not with my son. At some point, it really didn't matter to me if I was enabling or not enabling as much as it mattered to me that my quality of life was more peaceful, stable and joyful than not. I, too, detest lies and for awhile I was lying to myself about what I could live with and what I couldn't live with. When I admitted I couldn't live with an active A, I made the changes I needed to make for me.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I was unable to remain married to an alcoholic and detach. Detachment helped me to untangle my mind, heart and soul from him enough to reagain my true self and make healthy decisions for myself and son. He did stop and maintained sobriety until he passed from cancer after 7 years sober

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I had to teach myself over the years that whatever came out of my A's mouth was not true, not the case or would be kept. If I did then I would be disappointed and would get mad which only hurt me. I had to except what he was and either deal with it or walk away. I know it's not a black or white decision but some decisions or direction was needed to feel sane and at peace. My denial was I just knew I could change him and everything would get better....it didn't happen. I had to come out of my denial not make him come out of his.

((( hugs )))

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Aquamom,

The more time I spend in Alanon, the more I am learning to focus on myself and my needs. I am finding that I am beginning to accept that I might not be able to live my life out with AH. I would like to but I want to thrive in my own life and recognise that having a lovely intimate relationship with someone would be nice, but it is unlikely with AH. Living on my own might actually carry more freedom and enjoyment in it than a life lived with love dangling just out of reach most of the time. I think that I am trusting my process and not waiting around so much. I'm not there yet, but I slip off his hooks more easily these days.

Anyway, a few of the ways that I cope day to day are:

1. If AH is nasty, which is rarer these days, then I find something nice to do that carries the same weight in enjoyment - I call it rebalancing. The nastier AH was the more fun I had. It didn't take him long to figure out that his put downs were backfiring - yay!!

2. In my own mind the drink is not an acceptable excuse for abusive behaviour.

3. I am currently trying to train myself to stop trying to 'figure it all out.' Distracting hobbies help.

I am coming to believe that it is not possible to live with an alcoholic who is not in recovery. I am not quite there yet, I have not given up totally, but I really don't think that my life has to be difficult or lonely any more.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I could not do it nor did I put any further energy into trying once I had enough recovery to know I had a choice and I could live without my marriage. I chose to ask my husband to leave as I was done living with the addictions. I really was done living the way I was living...I valued my life too much. I wanted to live with joy and now I do live with joy. I love my life and no one is going to have an impact on this loved life ever again.....it is not negotiable. I wish you peace and joy and it is possible through the 12 steps.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Thankyou ladies. xxx just making sure I'm not missing something because recovery and an entwined a marriage feels like a dichotomy. So I'm going to let that sit without projecting,the honesty of that and see where it leads me. Wisdom and grace you each are,strength also.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I couldn't handle living with my AH after 11 yrs. I was going to Al anon for about a year when I decided to leave. Al anon works differently for everyone. It gave me the strength to fully surrender and detach from the disease by moving out. I was tired of the lies too. My sponsor helped me a lot, and still does. This disease doesn't just go away. It's there whether the A is drinking or not.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

In my own experience, I stayed married for almost 20 years. I was in denial of the dysfunction I was living in and bringing up my family in. I pinned everything on him getting sober and then he did and his thinking disease remained and it was worse in many ways. The consequences began occuring when our children reached adolescence and began rebelling against this unhealthy family. I left him about 6 yrs ago, could be 7 now. I still couldnt let him go completely though until I got into alanon and then I ended it completely and life has improved for all of us, including him, hes in aa now. So, I dont think I can offer esh relating to staying within the marriage and being in recovery. My recovery helped me detach from my eldest son, whom I was controlling and obsessive with the same way I was with his dad. I cant, wont live with active drinking.

My own sickness that im working on, means I have people pleased, enabled, controlled, and more my whole life. Living with another person who has simi, ar symptoms puts my own recovery in jeapordy. Im in my 40s, Im living for me and my own life now, I felt like an extra in the life of my ex, I had a part in his life. The merrygoround called denial is a great read about this topic, I think it would help you.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi aquamom, you asked if it were really possible to detach from an alcoholic and still be married? yeah, it is and it is possible to find happiness. HOWEVER, I feel each situation is different. Only you know what is good and right for you and your children. If I had small children, I imagine my situation would be totally different. My situation would also be different had I not found Al-Anon. It's given me the tools (detachment is a biggie) I need to live a different way.

People in my f2f Al-anon group have always said you would know when it (your marriage) was over. Well, I've been married to my husband almost 40 years, and he has been an alcoholic for the past 14 years. I have raised two grown sons with him and have one granddaughter with him and another granddaughter due in a couple of weeks. He is 65 years old and I am 60. I'm financially secure and I'm very independent, so leaving would not be a problem. I actually was thinking about leaving a couple of months ago. But when I analyzed my feelings, I realized I would be leaving for the wrong reason. I was thinking it would force him in to recovery. This would have been my way of trying to control my ah, and controlling issues are something I have to work on each and every day. So, I'm not at the point where leaving would be the right thing for me. I'm not waiting on anything, nor do I have any expectations.

I'm not saying I live in "hog heaven" every day, because that could not be further from the truth. I do hope that one day my ah will seek a recovery program, but I'm not putting my expectations in this either. What I can say is that I work my program every day, and I trust my HP to guide me.

From your post I can see you are struggling with this decision, so I am praying that HP will guide you.

Keep working your program.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I guess for me that the answer to that question could be yes and then not from my experience. In Al-Anon I learned how to look at the picture(s) from many perspectives while including more time to do it...not rushing. I stopped fighting the condition and sat with an open mind with so much help from Al-Anon like I also do with MIP and like you have demonstrated here the perspectives got clearer and clearer and I stopped "wishing and hoping" it would get better based upon her getting better. My life was wrapped up over her and her life was totally controlled by a mind and mood altering chemical addiction which if not totally arrested by total abstinence would certain cause her demise like it was our demise. "Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with" I learned in the rooms in the face to face meetings and I accepted that without reservation which helped and allowed me to "STOP"!!! Attempting the impossible and denying the probable. She was alcoholic/addict and the disease was bring all of that real tragic trouble into our life and I had no idea what to do about it while being powerless totally to control or cure it. Pinning my happiness and peace of mind on an alcoholic/addict was a mistake and my sponsor taught me "When you find out you have made a mistake, it is your responsibility to correct it". I did and in learning how to detach with love I left the marriage. I learned how to be in love equally with her and myself. It works when we work it.

Your clarity is really coming thru Aquamom...very nicely. (((((hugs))))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I think you're doing a bit of step 4 work. You're beginning to figure yourself out, what you want, what you're willing to live with or not, you're identifying your boundaries. Before the program, I wouldn't have even questioned any of the things you are questioning. Isn't Alanon an eye opener? Wow! As long as he's still drinking, he'll likely keep the push/pull dance going with you as long as you show up for it. He figures out just where your emotional buttons and then pushes them.

When I was with my exah one of my buttons was getting good treatment from him which I "earned" lol It was well timed by him. Ultimately, he gave to me to get. It was manipulation. Mostly, he just wanted to get me off his back so he could do what he liked best which was getting high. For me, all of this was unnatural and not a marriage. He wasn't emotionally available - that was his problem. I was willing to accept that and make excuses for him - that was my problem. It always comes down to the question "What are you getting out of it?" At least it did for me. What was the payoff? Well, he was very high functioning and there were a lot of good times until there weren't any more. When he was in rehab, they suggested we relocate. They suggested we move away from his family because like you mentioned they were big rescuers. Well... today I find that laughable because enablers can be found everywhere and active alcoholics are very good at finding them. I'm glad I never moved away with him. In the end, I did move by myself and began a new life. Oh this wasn't a courageous or progress in my Alanon recovery. It came after he'd kicked me to the curb because I kept interfering with his using. You see I'd only been in the program a few months and couldn't detach from his using. I couldn't stop complaining about it. It's just not something I'm willing to live with and I said so over and over and over again. Today, for me anyway.. rejection was god's protection. It removed me from living with insanity.

Only you can determine what's right for you and your life by keeping close to your higher power and listening for guidance. The disease is progressive. Detachment and denial was my way of life until I just couldn't stand it any more. My denial was about not facing reality and continuing to stay stuck. Occassionally, I wonder if I had found Alanon sooner if it would have made a difference. But my belief is that my higher power is the ultimate authority and chose this outcome for myself and my ex. Although I'll always love him and pray for his well-being and happiness, my life is much more fulfilling today without him. This is just my experience. I hope something I wrote was helpful in sorting your own feeling out. (((hugs)))) TT

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Everybodys esh helps TT. I get the sense of real life lived in your post,this always touches me. My denial is much the same,I get to stay stuck, I've spent a good three years waiting for the magic to happen. But I was fresh out of a 12 step coda programme two years before I chose him. Guess I had to touch the stove. I'm glad in a way though,because this time around the programme is not an intellectual concept. I truly recognise myself in step one, have just learned the other side of taking inventory,ie its not a blunt instrument to beat myself up with thus gaining atonement. Handing my will over is so very hard.....yet each time i have done it, peace and joy have filled me. Why then do i hold on so hard,trying to force outcomes? All will be revealed in sure. Hugs to all.

Flower49 · Senior Member

I am married to a meth addict/alcoholic. We have been on the rehab train for many years, this time I see a glimmer of hope as he was court ordered to live in a half-way house and then transition to 3/4 way house and then work on slowly coming home.It seems he is taking to his recovery this time with true honestly and wanting it, but part of detachment for me is not to really believe everything he says or does and that's ok, with time and consistency on his part I may one day fully trust and believe in him.

Most days I am happy he isn't around right now so I can enjoy my time and learning about me before he comes home again.

I can tell you this it has taken me a very long time to practice detachment and especially detachment with love. While my AH was actively using I knew enough to know I was losing my sanity and started with literature, then a meeting here and there and finally when he went to rehab....I learned many things on detaching, but with my hurt, anger, resentment, frustration, anxiety I was not to good at practicing detachment, let along doing it with love.

I was certain I just couldn't do this, that it was all or none. But as I started to work on myself, my defects, my strengths it became clear that I come first in the aspect of my sanity, serenity, happiness and peace. I also learned that my life was not enmeshed into his mess even though we are married.

I have learned that my recovery is my own, his is his own and our marriage recovery we both own and are accountable for. I learned how to set realistic boundaries, such as I will not be able to accept, tolerate or stay married to him if a relapse and active using starts all over again. I won't ride that crazy train again. I won't tolerate door slamming, yelling or just general projecting his stuff on to me. If that starts to happen I calmly leave the room.

My most saving grace is the serenity prayer when the "isms" of the dis-ease rear their ugly head and also the slogans. For me I know that I have to work hard on myself in order to gain a healthy happy marriage, if that is what is in the cards for me. I try my hardest to look at my AH as my Priest reminded me "A child of God".

Healthy detachment, being my own person, seeking and finding my own happiness is more than just staying married now for me, it's the way I have to live my life. God bless and hugs to you.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Thanks Linda. I can see him as child of god when he is not in my space. I've reached a stage where he is a pay cheque and little else. I am in such a negative space at the moment where I view him as having ruined my life with children.its not just the drinking. It is primarily and fundamentally the drinking,yes,but I am deeply hurt by the thinking and behaviours which accompany it. A thinking of zero accountability while I am burdened with endless responsibility.that is not the contract we entered into.it is not ok with me to commit to a marriage,cement it with children then skip out on the solidarity which it requires. Nothing in this marriage is right,and its not my perfectionism at play. I have asked for a separation.i want to laser him right out of my life and start living again. Needed to vent.

Spur · Senior Member

I've been married for 27 years. I'm not sure when my husbands drinking became a problem for him, it became a problem for me about ten years into our marriage when I realized he had gone from being a social drinker to an every day drinker. And then it just steadily has gone downhill. I have stayed in my marriage because I feared what could happen to my kids if we divorced and A wanted visitation. He is not a parent in any sense of the word. He wanted children, yet he's wanted no responsibilty for them. I also have fears of financial stability. My A is self employed. I have a friend who was in similar circumstances, she found out her H cheated on her and she left. They had two kids. To avoid paying her child support, he only worked enough to pay his bills. You can't get blood from a turnip. So, I stay in my marriage so I don't have to worry about the safety of my kids and I don't have to worry about finances. My A and I have lived as roommates for several years. Now, is he out having sex with other women because he's not getting that in the marriage? I have no idea and it's a non-issue. My A tells me he loves me, tells me he loves the kids. It's all lip service. His action's say differently, or his idea of love is distorted from the alcohol. I think my A is afraid to be alone and I think he fears if we split that the kids won't ever want to see him. He admits our problems are on him, that he's a lousy father but he won't admit he has a drinking problem. We also don't see each other very much. I don't let him drink in the house after work so he sits out in his shop. My kids are very busy with activities so I'm gone five nights a week and he's in bed when I get home. Might not work if he worked a 8-4 job and was home for hours every night because we'd probably fight. He works on the weekends so that's not a issue either. Unfortunately, he lives his life and I live mine totally separate from each other. Is it easy? No. Is it lonely? Yes, but...I am using Al Anon tools to help me get my life back that I gave up in the midst of his disease. I can't save my marriage, that was over years ago. Everything I do now is for my kids. I've already dealt with the problems in my marriage, been angry, been resentful, realized it's over, grieved and now it's time to move on.

So, yes it is possible to be married to an alcoholic although I wouldn't recommend staying in a marriage where there is no intimacy, no trust, no respect for your spouse. I live my life with the kids and he lives his life with his work and his disease. Our situation is dysfunctional but it works for what I need right now which is peace of mind where my kids are concerned.

Edit:

I know my situation is awful. I have to go to function's with my A and act like everything is fine. My family isn't aware of our situation and neither is his. When we step out the door together, we play the part, granted not affectionately like most married people but we can be civil and I can be tolerant when we're out in public. It's probably that big lie that bother's me more than anything. My two oldest kids know their dad has a drinking problem but the two youngest aren't as aware because they've not been around it as much as the older ones. I was to the point of indifference by the time my two youngest got into preteen years so the fighting had subsided quite a bit. They'll comment about all the beer cans in the shop but I don't tell them their dad is an alcoholic. I'm tired of the fight and I gave him up to his disease before it killed me. Now, I don't even want to deal with it, or him or explain.

-- Edited by Spur on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 04:28:46 PM

-- Edited by Spur on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 04:30:43 PM

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Oh Spur...I'd like to take us to Paris to drink coffee before going to hang out on a beach in BoraBora. We have such dreams and ideals as women. I'm reading a book at the moment called transformational divorce, it mentions some research which suggests women are programmed to seek out deep and meaningful connection with others. It then goes on to talk about how we lose sight of us in the process. Of course addiction triggers a whole host of issues for us the partners. Evidence that we are human. Thus part divine. May we keep coming back.

Spur · Senior Member

Coffee is one of life's greatest pleasures, aquamom! I think every girl dreams about meeting her knight in shining armor and living happily everafter, or at least always having something to talk about at the breakfast table 40 years down the road. For some of us that is a fantasy but for many other's it is a reality and keeps my faith alive.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

It is my friendships that I miss the most. Girlfriends and coffee and watching each others families grow. Intimate relationships,I'm way too jaded at the moment. That's okay,this too shall pass. Anyway,I have looked up spousal maintenance, and suggested to the a that if he's going back to the islands ( where there are no child support laws) I don't see the point in him being here in this house. If he is going to stay, I want the rent money as spousal support. I will not pursue child support or any other amount beyond that. I am happy to make arrangements with the kids. Of course this is logic speaking to an a, so I don't hold my breath. The idiot called his sister (who is honestly sicker than he is,stark raving sober, controlling, untreated arrogant coda, snarky and unintelligent,boy will I have a legal field day with her if she enters the fray) to ask about child custody and visitation, she who has never had kids nor been married,and she advises him to go to the courthouse. Pair of genetic morons. The court will send us to counselling, and try to avoid a hearing,which in this case is appropriate,I know from experience it isn't in cases of dv. I know that I am being more than fair,and that is because, I do not fear for my kids wellbeing with him,provided certain factors are in place, and I want nothing from him but my freedom. I would also love the break every now and then. So yes feeling positive. Still got to stay in the now though and not rest on my laurels.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Cloudyskis. I have been married to my AH since 1977. And yes, there ups and downs. I don't live in "hog heaven" either. My AH is in recovery, however, he had a bad run this summer of drinking pretty much every day. It was challenging for me. I was amazed that he never got "drunk".... He did continue to go to meetings through it all. I did toy with the idea of leaving and late summer...I told him my thoughts. He goes to Arizona all winter so I know I would be just fine alone. However....I love this man. Even with his addiction issues. He is back on track now...I just hung on to my Alanon principles and did ok. It isn't a bed of roses but I don't think any marriage is perfect. For now, it works for us but my eyes are wide open. Don't know if this helps...take what you like....

aquamom23 · Senior Member

It all helps sweet Stanley. Everyone's responses have been thoughtful and honest, and what strikes me most is that each on their own journey and stage is working their programme. I take that and leave my own details as physical urges which must be counterbalanced by spirit/universe/hp.

Theoceancalls · Senior Member

This sounds a lot like my future. Im 16yrs married not proud by any means. I stay for very similar reasons as have you. We too lve like roomates. Me moreso than him which can pose challenges. I have very few "needs" anymire. . I take care of me and i dont feel particularly lonely, mildly depressed. Yes. But i manage. Unfortunatly my ah usnt that healthy, obviously. Hes very needy and finds my detachment gard to take. However, hes perfectly fine with it if its suits HIS need. My daughter is my life. Its about all we have it common. I do worry about the message im sending her. But for today, i stay.thanks for your share.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

While there are many similarities, everyone and every situation may have some differences- I have come to believe that HP will grace our paths as the path unfolds. It was after ending 20 years of being married to an active A that I was able to start to unravel the affects of having lived with this family disease. I started attending Alanon while married, but was so completely overwhelmed by daily bombardment of his abuse, that I couldn't think clearly. I left Alanon, thinking it wasn't for me, but then returned having no where else to go for the support that is needed for the recovery process. I didn't end the marriage from a place of courage- I was frightened out of my mind, he was dangerous- and I could barely utter the words, and when the words finally passed my lips it took at least 7 more tries before I could I had a firm boundary. I was miserable and didn't want the divorce- but for me, it was like saying that I wanted cake and to eat it too - so, I held on so tightly with a death grip. I felt I had no choice. It's a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. It felt so complicated, but it was also simple- he was who he was and I could either accept that and live with it or leave. Working a strong program is important to me, and when I find myself around the insanity of the disease, I know that I have to keep stepping up my program until I find myself in a better place. One of the most helpful tools of Alanon is taking things ODAT and taking good care of yourself no matter what your choices and decisions. Sending prayers.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Like Bud, I am 20 years into my marriage, as well, and I'm finally realizing that my marriage needs to come to an end. The funny thing is: I am no longer angry or resentful, I am at peace. I just know that I know, if that makes sense, that I can't live with alcoholism anymore. For me, my AH is trying very hard to be 'good', to be 'nice', and to be present as much as he can be, but it's not going to be enough for me. The disease has killed the love I had for him and even though I know he loves me, I just can't seem to find it in myself to reciprocate.

As others on this thread have said, we've lived as roommates for 2.5 years now in separate bedrooms. I'm sure we set a terrible example to our son and yes, I've stayed for financial reasons. I have come to realize that, at some point, I'm going to have to strike out on my own, get a job (I've been a homemaker and homeschooling mom for 16 years now), provide for myself, etc. so I guess I figured that I might as well do it sooner than later.

Here's the other thought I had: my son is 16, still old enough for me to advocate for his mental health. If I waited to leave until he's 18, I couldn't take him to a therapist or make him get help if I felt it was in his best interest. I could suggest it, but he'd be considered an adult and there's no guarantee he would do so. At least at 16, I feel that I can be more involved in his care and help him move into adulthood knowing how to advocate for himself and get the help he may need when he's struggling. He's a child of an alcoholic so I'm sure he'll have things to work through as an adult!

My situation is exactly like Spur's, by the way, and I don't recommend it to anyone. It's just how things evolved over time due to the progression of the alcoholism and my own detachment and mistrust of my husband. These days, though, I feel more and more sorry for him. I can't imagine what it would be like to live and think like he does. Always on guard, distrusting every human he comes into contact with, only 2 close friends(both out of state), paranoid about EVERYTHING and about his demise financially, angry at the world, down in the dumps, no joy, no hope, etc.....I've never experienced these feelings to the depth that he does. I have found that the more recovery I have in me, the more compassion I have for the alcoholics in my life. But, I also know that doesn't mean I have to be in close fellowship with them and I don't have to sacrifice myself or enable them or fix their lives for them. I used to think that I could FORCE my happiness on my AH. I would walk around singing songs and humming happily around the house. I was always a pretty joyful person so this was easy for me.....I just didn't realize that happiness doesn't rub off on other people. When I finally gave up trying to make him happy, that really was when things started going downhill because he was left with himself. I left him, through detachment, to figure out how to create his own happiness, happiness that comes from within, happiness that stems from a joyful heart and a fulfilled life, and happiness that comes from trusting God and putting God at the forefront of a life worth living.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Aqua i tried detaching and giving dry ah all the space he needed
I also found my serenity during that time. It was false sense of
Serenity, ah was working underground against me and our marriage
Again With Woman number #2. His first one he stated he was only
Helping her see the sober way of life. This one he was spending time with
While i was working. Then he declared he wanted a divorce and a
Better relationship with his new aa gf. Another woman he can save
Just not his wife and marriage. That would take honesty and
Decency on his part. He is not willing to be that person.

So yes i detached but it didnt help any he was in his full addictive
Personality mode of thinking and he still is. Looking for other
People to save him not doing any internal changes on himself.
Not facing himself and his own demons. Emotionally and verbally
Abusing his wife because of his emotions and internal problems.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

But where do I put the part of me that is wife? I thought I could endure wife until I got strong enough and capable enough to physically leave. Now I see or feel that this is me living a lie and it just gets confusing. Do I just need to keep trusting in the process? Not think about it?
------------------=
I've been married since 1971 to my alcoholic qualifier. He quit drinking in 2000 when he got a DUI. I stayed for that long for financial reasons. I had 4 daughters to raise. He was a workaholic/alcoholic and brought home good money. We pretty much lived separate lives except when we had to appear in public and "look good".

I was planning my escape during the late 1990's. I just had to wait for that last daughter to graduate from high school. Then he quit drinking and I didn't feel right about leaving when I was finally getting the sober person I wanted. I stayed because I had started AlAnon in 2000 and I was working on "hope" and "trusting the process". By that time we had a lot of habits from living separate lives that had to be identified and undone. He also lost his job because of that DUI so the financial part was iffy, but he was able to pick up a few good years of work. Then in 2007 he got cancer and AlAnon got me through that. He had a super rough summer with chemo and radiation but his HP got him through. My HP got me through. I would have been a real Beeatch if I left him then, but all was not good. Too many habits that did not make for a good marriage. Some secrets, some lies, different ideas of what sex was all about. Different ideas about intimacy

Can I stay happy through all of it? Sure. Just don't think I can involve him in my happiness. Luckily I am of an age that sex is not important to me. All the other kinds of happiness you can find without that "soulmate" partner that we all dream of having. You won't get it all in one place, but you can find it if you get out there and have other friends.

He has had 2 more cancers since that first one in 2007 so his alcoholic "victim" mentality is alive and well. He is sober from his whiskey that used to be his mood changer, but doctors can prescribe lots of other mood changers that keep the alcoholic mind going and going. It is not good for relationships.

I guess if you want to stay married you will find reasons to stay. If you want to leave there are plenty of reasons to leave. You can only decide for yourself and your situation if you want one thing or the other.

Keep taking care of yourself. You are the only one who can.

Fairlee · Senior Member

This is particularly timely in my life. I'm just learning Al a Anon, but I have been married for 19 years to my AH. He has always been an every day drinker, it has just progressed over the years and I really never realized that he had a problem because I was so busy with three children. ( he is self-employed, works every day, drinks at work, not really much at home but he's never home so...) The detaching thing is particularly hard for me. I will do ok, and then find myself back enmeshed. (I really only learned about detachment a couple of months ago - good excuse, yes? I never realized how messed up I was) I hope detachment is possible. Most days lately I really am not sure I can keep going on...but I do not know if I can leave...I feel so trapped. We live in a very rural area and I have not been employed for over 16 years. I do our accounting for our business, etc. but I am so scared about having to go out and get a job! Also I want to be around for my kids because their father is just never here and when he is, he is drunk so they scatter to their rooms. (Teenagers)

I'm getting off track here...I really need to start trying harder with detachment. I love my AH, but I like him less and less as time goes on because he is drunk more and more. I'm seeing less and less of the man I married. I feel like the kids and I are not a priority at all to him...our business is suffering horribly....it just seems like a perfect storm lately that all revolves around the alcohol and I am so sick of it.

Aqua, I can feel your frustration in your post. I am so glad you posted it and I hope that your AH is serious about seeking recovery. My AH is so deep in denial I'm not sure he will ever decide to change. He really doesn't care how miserable I am...but I guess he can't help it because of his stupid disease...I guess I just really need to seek out my HP and hopefully get some guidance there for the future. I wish I could go to a meeting every day...I feel like I need it every day!

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Hiya Fairlee. This thread is all its own now, a thread of women's narrative of being the wife to alcoholism. I could nag my ah into AA, play counselor,Mother Replacement System (mrs),secretary,life coach. But I don't think it will make a difference. So I just let him sit with his lies alone. Without the will there's no point to recovery in my opinion on either side, one will simply cloak their disease in new language and I don't wish to have any active role to play in harming myself. We had a discussion, I asked him what he gets out of being in relationships. He said emotional security and a feeling of safety. And that when that feeling is compromised, he feels as if he is backflipping when he cant do backflips. He asked what I got I said hope, and when that hope is compromised I see the foundation I've been digging is just a deep hole that no house is going to be built on. We each conclude that we have sought love and hope from human sources which are finite. And that's as far as talk goes,just intellectual self stimulation without action. But I'm doing a course that feels right for me, and have made other plans outside of marriage and babies. I suppose I reached a point of being so sick of myself,the only way out is through! Odaat. Hugs and gratitude to all.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Is it really possible to detach from the alcholic and still be married, yes.

Is it really possible to find serenity and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not, yes.

When we first get into the program the suggestion is to not make any major decisions for at least 6 months, UNLESS you or children are in danger.

I had 6 months marked on my calendar from when I started attending my F2F meeting for when I could leave my AH.

I got a sponsor. I did my reading every morning. I learned about myself. I learned how to stay on my side of the street. I learned that I couldn't change him but I could change how I reacted.

I just celebrated 3 years in Al-Anon. Ultimately I did make the choice to leave my AH. I left in February of this year, after 2 years and 4 months of being in the program. Long after that 6 month mark came and went. Every situation is different. Even in this thread there is ESH from those who stay and have serenity and happiness. For my situation the final decision to leave did not come easy and the process hurts. I would be a huge puddle of a hot mess if I didn't have my program! My sponsor has been awesome in helping me and I am so thankful for this board and for my F2F meeting!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
I couldn't live with it - not with my x and not with my son. At some point, it really didn't matter to me if I was enabling or not enabling as much as it mattered to me that my quality of life was more peaceful, stable and joyful than not. I, too, detest lies and for awhile I was lying to myself about what I could live with and what I couldn't live with. When I admitted I couldn't live with an active A, I made the changes I needed to make for me.

This sums up what i feel...grew up with it...married it...have sibling who is in it......CANT do the drama and chaos anymore....if i gotta practice detachment all the time where i whittle down the relationship that much,, detaching detaching, I can't do it......i want stability, peace, equal relationship, not having to live mentally/emotionally separate all the time....i hate lies and liars....like grateful said here....I echo this feeling......and yea, when i realized that I could not live with it, I made drastic changes in my life and I am soooo much better now....now its just me i worry about/take care of/ tend to/ work on, etc......no more worry.....

alanon teaches us detachment, but as humans, do we really really really CAN we really really really 10000% DETACH???? i don't think so....like cracked concrete, the water does seep through and it does undermine the cement's integrety.......Just saying.......GREAT post, Aqua!!! Those ladies/gentlemen who choose to stay?? I send them peace and love and support and I hope they can do what I could not!!!! live with this kinda affliction.....

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in Alanon for 2 +years. The longer the better if you
Want out of the marriage. So much of ourselves gets destroyed in a
Marriage to an A. We need to build ourselves back up ready to
Stand on our own two feet. It takes alot of time and work to
Get there. I gained a lot after my dry ah left, but i still needed
my alanon toolbox To deal with all the challenges i now face.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

I was married to my AH for just short of 30 years when I finally decided that I wanted to leave. He wasn't going anywhere- every time I asked him to leave, he would come back a day or two later with promises that were soon broken. One and half years after attending my first Al-Anon meeting, I started to have a certain clarity about not wanting to "dance" with my AH any longer. I was exhausted and, not only was his drinking taking an emotional toll on me, but physical tolls as well. My weight was going up, my blood pressure was going up, I couldn't sleep at night and I was starting to stop taking care of myself. As my family physician said right before I decided to leave, "You're getting sick right along with him. Save yourself- you can't save him if he doesn't want to save himself."

So I got off the "merry-go-round" and started to move the focus to just me. I got better- mentally and physically- he died a year later from this horrible disease called alcoholism. You'll know when, and if, you need to move on.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.