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Post Info TOPIC: lol


~*Service Worker*~

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lol


It's not even 24 hours and his brother is messaging me. OMG, we can't do this, we're getting married, we need our house back.

He left here having drunk 1 bottle of wine, he bought 3, I guess he drank the rest on the way and at their house.

I feel sad for him, I know how to handle him, but it isn't my job anymore. 

 I have never loved him so much or wanted to rescue him so much.

But it isn't my job anymore. He has left my care.

I sort of want to dance a little bit in between being sad. I'm free. This will be good for him. 

I knew, his brother didnt know how much he had degenerated. He's horrified. Mel, I don't know what to do.

I don't even have the facilities to care for him any more. 

FREEDOM!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Not sure why you'd want to rescue him?  He got stinking drunk his first night at the new place and alienated even his own brother, and that means he's a tragic case and needs rescuing?  More like an onbnoxious case who is determined to get on everyone's nerves and have his own way no matter what it does to other people.

That reaction of wanting to rescue, and feeling special love for people as they make aggressively terrible claims on others, is something we all could benefit from looking at in ourselves.  I thought my rescuing would make me "special" and a helper.  Well, you can guess how that turned out.

Maybe your A will experience some consequences that make him think drinking is not such a hot route to the good life any more, who knows?  We can only hope the consequences get real enough.



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~*Service Worker*~

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good for you meliss. You are taking care of you!!smile

 



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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I feel sad for his brother. Maybe Al-Anon could be suggested if he calls you again about his not knowing what to do?

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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His brother does another self-empowering thing called land mark. I don't like it because they collect fees and I just don't like it.
But he's a very awake and empowered young man. He just didn't realise I guess, it's been almost 10 years since he experienced his brother. He was a "fun drunk" back then.
Every fiber in me wants to go and get him. Save him.



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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You tried that, Mel. He wasn't saved. He's still sick and getting sicker. Fortunately, you rescued yourself and that is one person you can save!

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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Ah, Landmark. I agree with you on that one.

Congrats on your feelings of being free from that burden/vortex! I hope those moments become more and more frequent until they are the norm.

When it comes to texts like that, I try to remember 'act, don't react', which usually meant I don't even reply yet. I give it a day or two, then be as neutral as possible!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Don't do it! He needs to save himself through the power of AA and his HP. Maybe his brother can just take him to rehab somewhere and leave him there. If you rescued him it wouldn't be in your best interest...also maybe tell his brother you can't keep getting updates on how bad he is.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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If anybody needs saving it's the brother.  smile  But nobody needs saving.

Hang in there, Melly.  You've just separated from the incredible chaos that is your A and it looks like you're having temptations to relapse.  When those started to overcome me, I got out a notebook and wrote a list of all the crazy and painful things he did over the course of our relationship.  Man, there was a lot of craziness there.  I'd read the list over when I got tempted to plunge back in.  It saved me many times.  Our own addictions can start us craving it all again. 

Might be easier if you didn't have contact with the brother or the A for a while.  Like, ten or fifteen years.  smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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Or 20?

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I wont, I just thought he'd be ok for a little while.
I didn't think he'd bottom out on the first night.
Was I really holding that together?
Do I really think I was holding that together?
Part of me sees him falling apart without me and thinking he needs me.
Another part of me thinks, Mel, did you really think you were holding that together for so long? You must be exhausted.
He told me today how much he loves me, how hard he's going to try.
It isn't love, it's clinging.
He doesn't even know who I am.
How is that love?
It isnt love, it's desperation. I started this journey because I am worth more than that. I am something so much better than that.

Thank-you for letting me talk this out.


__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Veteran Member

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I am glad you see this as an urge and have not acted to try and rescue him. If I was you and had got as far in my recovery as you have, there is no way I be turning back to him. I would be thinking of Step 1 and reminding myself that it is my codependency button that is being pushed in this moment and then I would notice that my codependency button had been pushed and switch my attention to focus on myself and my daughter. Maybe you would find it helpful to think about how resisting getting involved is an opportunity the universe is giving you to create even more positive growth and change for yourself. You know what will happen if you rescue him. You have been there and done that many times before. What is happening now is all new to you. Try to surf the urge to dance the same old dance and let the wave break over you when it is ready to and then enjoy the feeling of freedom that you have created. Sending you strength :) ((hugs))


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~*Service Worker*~

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Daughter is away with her dad, I haven't seen her for almost a week. But I have her front and center of my mind, I wont break and stuff any of this up, OMG I am looking forward to seeing her though. To make a nice dinner and catch up on Doctor Who and Supernatural with her, and she can try to pretend she didn't watch them with her dad already because they are OUR shows. Lol. I miss that kid so much. If she was here she'd have our room organised in 5 minutes....lol I'm only half kidding. She really would. But that's not why I miss her.
I'm not acting on any urges, he DOES feel like my soul-mate that I miss so much right now, I know that comes from a very sick place inside me so I am not even allowing myself to think about it. But OMG I'm lonely. My landlords have guests tonight and I don't feel like I am meant to go out and join them so I'm just in my room alone and thinking of going to get fish n chips for dinner and maybe I'll watch those shows by myself, no point forcing myself to be lonely and hungry, I don't know why I do that but I have to stop, it's like I punish myself when I alone. Not doing it tonight, food and mindless entertainment for me! And doggy cuddles.
And yes, I'm aware that it isn't healthy to have my child as my only source of love and contact. One step at a time eh. I'll turn her into an even bigger codie than  me if I let her be my only friend and depend on her for love and company. God I am a sad, sad person, should've been catapulted into the sun at birth really. Hey I wanted to stay here at the beach, I could be with my parents and siblings joining in the screaming and fighting, they are even doing it on facebook for me ...lol, need to remember I CHOSE this. I WANTED it more than anything. So ENOUGH being a sad-sack, it's time to go walk on the beach and eat fresh fish for dinner. Otherwise what was the point?

Gaaah. GAAAH I tell you.



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 30th of October 2014 03:55:22 AM



-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 30th of October 2014 04:06:54 AM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Yes you are worth so much more and the freedom when it truly sinks in will help you through it. The freedom to know it's not your mess to worry about. When I let go of my exAH and I mean really was able to let go and realize he was a grown man and a scary one at time, I put the responsibility of him back on him and I was released from all his drama. I have never felt so good not to be worrying about him or his actions, but only mine and the energy I had for myself and my kids was amazing! It takes a lot of energy to be stuck in the muck! Let go of the old dysfunctions that did you no good and remember who you are and what you are made of. You amaze me everyday here on your journey! Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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It is hard to really really let someone go. It "feels" like he's your soulmate but feelings are not facts melly. In order for him to be your soulmate, you'd have to be as sick and stay as sick as him. If and when you do date again, your soulmate will be someone also on the same journey upwards as you. They will be about self-improvement, as this is the new you and this is what help you break from your A.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I know, it's not real. I was pretty HALT really, ended up going to make food and socialising with the household and now I feel a million times better and am about to go to bed. Its just not that hard to take care of yourself really, I don't know why I am only learning to do it at 38, CRAZY. I can teach daughter though, so that's something.


__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



Senior Member

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Posts: 430
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I love this:

"It isn't love, it's clinging.
He doesn't even know who I am.
How is that love?
It isnt love, it's desperation. I started this journey because I am worth more than that. I am something so much better than that"

And this is what I am trying to remember everyday, specially now that we are 2.5 days away of A's moving date.


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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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I know you've heard, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."  SOmething in your post makes me think perhaps you are lost in that phrase.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and be glad for your freedom.  I am sure it was well earned, and you deserve happiness.  Best wishes to you,

Diva



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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
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