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When I lived with my ex ah I used to say sorry quite a lot. I took the blame quite a lot, usually to keep the peace or to end the silent treatment or sometimes because the guilt got the better out of me. I never really meant it. I never really believed I owed it not really. I always thought my bad behaviour or harsh words or whatever was caused solely because of him and his drinking and the nonsense that went with it.
Today, I can say sorry when i need to and I mean it. It must be part of my growth that I can look at myself and see where I have been harsh or been judgemental or whatever and I can own it, admit it and say sorry. Then I forgive myself, if the person forgives me or not isnt as important to me, maybe it should be, im not there yet but its about me living with me and feeling good about me. Moving on and not beating myself up and trying harder next time I suppose.
LC I can so identify I too said "Sorry" as an automatic response without any true regret or review of my true motives or actions. It was an easy out and I also felt I was the "bigger person because I did so".
Alanon taught me differently. Examining my motives, seeing my part, owning it made me truly aware of the pain and uncharitableness of my actions and I was willing to say "I am sorry " truly mean it and learn from the review of my actions so that I could grow.
Love how you shared that it did not matter if the person accepted the apology or not , you no longer beat yourself up but moved on. That is true program in action.
I used to say sorry so much even when I didn't mean it, just to get out of trouble whether I earned it or not and it really never satisfied my exAh anyway. My friends used to point out I didn't need to be sorry for everything. With my program I say it when I mean it and not otherwise. I own my decisions, my space and my words. I have become a thinker and not a reactor thanks to this program! Great reminder of where I have been and how much healthier I am getting. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
el-cee wrote: Then I forgive myself, if the person forgives me or not isnt as important to me, maybe it should be, im not there yet but its about me living with me and feeling good about me. Moving on and not beating myself up and trying harder next time I suppose.
Is saying sorry a significant thing for you?
I see this as re: person forgives or not isn't as important to me...i see this as just healthy detachment and confidence that you cleaned up your side of the street adn if they 4give?? Gr8...if not?? its OK , you are gonna move on anyway....i feel the same way, saying i'm sorry/making amends is about cleaning up my yard and, of course, doing what is the right thing by another, but if they want to hold a grudge, then its not my problem.....i see this post as very healthy....
saying "sorry" is significant now, in recovery, b/c it is not falling on my sword for being alive , apologizing for stuff i am not guilty of...i remember in the old coda days, people would butt in front of me in a store and i am saying "oh i am sorry" now i look at them and just a look lets them know that they did wrong....I am not apologetic unless it is REAL...it is DESERVED then i say i'm sorry, but my ACTIONS are the most significant....i am an action person, even if it (amend) is to work harder not to repeat or deal with the shortcoming's origins and rooting out the infection that was my past......i hope this post made sense.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I don't even like hearing someone say they are sorry (or reading it) when it is not something they caused. I think it's just meaningless.
O the other hand, I don't worry about how my apologies are taken. They are for me.
It's a honored word for me. If I regret my action and want to tell the person I think my action affected, that's when I say "I'm sorry" followed by "I won't do that again".
I've told myself that about smoking, not looking in the mirror before attempting a left turn, forgetting to charge my phone, and big things. Saying it out loud reinforces my intention to myself.
Yes, sorry, used to be right on the tip of my tongue ready to roll out. I still catch it there sometimes and sometimes it just comes out, but so do swear words
I never said, "sorry." I fought this alcoholic with every fiber in my body, determined to "fix" him. I wasted a lot of precious time doing that, and finally came to the realization that being sorry is a lot easier than I thought. Your feelings are okay, and if they give you peace, that's an added benefit. Best wishes to you,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I, too, said I'm sorry a lot. It had become an automatic response and reflected my feelings that I was doing something wrong (again). It's not that my apologies were insincere- I felt like I should be sorry to the world. I was just plain sorry. I don't know what for- maybe because of shame for feeling less than- but it was a crazy mindset that had a hold on me. I'm incredibly grateful that I am not quick to apologize as a random knee-jerk reaction to anything.
