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I have just gotten internet access after a few days so here's my ramble about what's been going on.
I've just completed day 1 of my new "A-free" life. I spent half the day with A though, so, it doesn't count.
Anyway I'll pick up where I left off, last Saturday when A was prancing around cleaning for my parents and I was so mad I almost exploded.
I decided, I was exhausted and 2 days without sleep was more than I could do so I called the agent and said "sorry, I'll hand the keys back on Monday, charge me for 2 extra days, I can't be out of here today, sorry". I mean legally that's OK, I could probably have done that for another 2 weeks as I understand it. But anyway I got into bed after that and slept for a long time. I was just spent.
So back when I started packing I had written a list of jobs...half for A to do and half for me to do. I didn't think he would actually do them but I wrote it anyway, maybe as an ambit claim.
When I woke up on Sunday, he had completed his list...washing the outside of the house, washing the windows, mowing and edging, removing junk, etc etc, and he had started on my list and was cleaning inside. Cool. Very cool. He pulled out the "superman act" right when it was needed, I'm not reading anything into it, just being glad of it.
Anyway yesterday after more visits to the tip etc I finally made it to my new place where the boxes are piled up in my room from floor to ceiling. I made a small space on the bed and lay down with the dog lying in the only space in front of the door and cried until I fell asleep. I hadn't seen the lady who lives here for a couple of days, I hadn't eaten or had clean clothes, I was a wreck. I realised I was cold but there were so many boxes piled up that I actually couldn't get near the window to close it, and people were asleep here so I didn't want to make noise, so I just shivered all night and was miserable, lol it's funny now, good grief. "I'm cold, I'm hungry, I smell bad, poor me, I can't do anything about it because it's too hard and I don't want to upset anyone so I'll just lie here and suffer and sob quietly", good work Mel. That's some great self-care right there.
So I woke up this morning feeling sadder and sorrier than ever, I heard the lady I am living with on the phone crying and very upset about something for hours and I just lay in my room feeling sorry for myself because I didn't know where anything is, I had questions, ask if it was OK to wash my clothes etc but I didn't feel I could go in when she was so upset and talking to someone. Also I didn't feel I know her well enough yet to knock on her door and ask if she's OK, and you couldn't do that when someone was crying on the phone to someone else anyway, I didn't know what to do.
That's the miserable part of my story, it's finished now.
I opened up The Language of Letting Go and it was about acceptance today, about choosing to either fight against it or accept it, so I prayed, not for miracles or anything, just for relief from the resentment, sadness and anger. Please HP release me from these crappy self-pitying feelings so I can get on with things.
A turned up as he had to return my car to me (he used it to take his final lot of stuff to his new place, it was pretty fair as he helped me move all of my things in the end and blah blah) and then he bought 3 bottles of wine and started drinking and being a pain. He's trying so hard, why won't I talk about getting a new place with him? What sort of woman am I that when we have hard times we can't even help each other by renting a place together? And it was all my fault anyway, he asked me to manage his money and blahdy blah blah.
So here's the amazing thing. I drove him to the bus-stop and sent him home. I don't have to deal with it anymore! Bye bye A! Thanks for the help! I'm glad we worked together to get it all finished, isn't it great that it's all done? You take care now, say hi to your brother for me...
Anyway I got home and the lady I now live with was up and about and welcomed me and said she was sorry she hadn't been about to see me in but she'd had some bad news, and we talked and talked and talked and talked and talked, I've never met anyone I have so much in common with, we talked a lot of al-anon, she knows it well and she's very into self-growth and also a recovering codependent, I honestly couldn't BELIEVE the way this has worked out. She said when A was here drunk and talking to her and then she saw the way I reacted to him she could see exactly what was going on and she had just wanted to offer my daughter and I a safe place, and that it had felt really right to her, that she thinks it will be nice for all of us, and I think it will too. We have SO much in common, her son came home and we were chatting on and on about herbal medicine and natural remedies and how we will make this and that, he was laughing and saying he will come home and we will both be in the kitchen wearing pointy black hats stirring a cauldron and cackling at him LOL.
She also said, since we are both so into self-growth and not being codependent, we should discuss how we will handle any conflict, oh I think I can get along very well with someone who is ready to make a "conflict resolution plan" from the get-go. That works for me!
And then she mentioned that she wishes the study wasn't such a mess, otherwise we could make it into a bedroom for daughter. OK so the potential for that is there too. If we are here for a while and it's appropriate, I suspect that will happen.
So anyway, this is good. It's really good. There is so much potential for this to work wonderfully well, she's an amazing person and has offered me just exactly what I need to get back on my feet and time to establish a new life and even when I move on I think I may have just made a really important friend. I think something really wonderful has happened for me.
Oh and my dog is coming to terms with his muzzle. He only has to wear it when he has access to the back yard where the goats are, and the other 2 dogs here, whom he is already great friends with try to help him get it off and they all look at me like I am some kind of monster for strapping such an evil contraption to his face, lol!! oh well, he's also had a run on the beach today and as my new landlady told me "he can sleep on your bed if you like, my dogs sleep with me" he's curled up right now beside me, warming my bed for me.
Someone here said, my HP sure likes cliff-hangers. You aren't kidding.
I am looking forward to this chapter of my life very much. The potential is there, I just need to do one right thing after another.
Can't even believe how well this is working out.
(((everyone))) and thank you for hanging in there with me when I was falling apart. I really, really think things are finally coming right.
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 29th of October 2014 11:13:23 AM
-- Edited by missmeliss on Wednesday 29th of October 2014 11:22:02 AM
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
OH OH OH I forgot the real kicker. She has a flouride filter!!! So I don't have to buy spring water anymore, it just comes out of the tap flouride free!
I was like a kid on Christmas morning when she told me that.
And then she showed me that when her son had cleared out the room for me he had placed some nice healing crystals in the room to help make it a "safe space" for me. I mean these are really my kind of people, it's a hippy dream come true LOL!!!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Oh Mel I am ever so happy for you! You deserve a break and it sounds like you've gotten one. Congratulations!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I love that we are both so enthusiastic about "self growth", she isn't al-anon, she's coda, same guy different hat, so we can chat about it like old friends.
Like when she explained to me what had upset her so much this morning she said it all in terms of "I know I have to own my stuff, but I really felt like I needed to say to them, I'm not owning your stuff anymore, well it caused a huge backlash but that's just what it's about isn't it? That's what happens when we have boundaries, it's hard at first, it upset me but then I realised, hey that's THEIR stuff not mine"; lol. To be having that kind of conversation with my new land-lady. It's priceless. Or starting sentences with, "hey this is probably a really codependent thing to say but...."
And when she said "you know what Mel, I think with us both working so hard on this stuff, we can probably handle any hiccups by talking them out, I think we might even enjoy using our new ideas to solve conflict"...just the fact that from the very beginning, we are already acknowledging, "hey, if you live in my house we might butt heads, lets look at is an opportunity to practice"...
I don't expect this to be easy or perfect but WOW, the potential is there. And she's just accepted me so lovingly into her home. She said normally she wouldn't even consider doing such a thing but for some reason when A came over and was babbling at her and talking about my daughter and I, she just had a feeling, "you need to help this woman and her child" and that it felt right, and she said "and now it doesn't even feel like helping, it just feels like something nice and I think it's going to be nice for all of us".
I've never met ANYONE just in my day-to-day travels who was emeshed in this sort of growth before, yes HP, you did have me covered. I don't know exactly what you needed me to learn but I'm going to have faith that I did learn it anyway because now, it's working for me.
yay!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Luiza, yes, she is. We get to continue on our lives basically as normal. We have to adjust to living with someone else and for a while we will be sharing a room but basically we have moved to the house adjacent to us and we get to just go on with our normal lives and routines. It's amazing. I can hardly even believe it, it hasn't sunken in yet. I am paying the same amount in rent that I was paying in my previous place, so I think that's quite a lot and probably quite helpful to the lady I am living with; I think everyone is winning here.
My daughter will be grumpy when she gets back and sees that we will be sharing a room. She has recently "become a woman" and she is quite the grumpy rude tweenager. But I discussed this with my new landlady today and she understood, daughter will have to adjust and be patient, she can't have everything.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
So so so excited for you!! Sounds like a great woman. What a great thing the A finally did for you!! He found you a great new home! So are you going to work at the deli with the gluten free stuff? So excited for you. I know you will miss your cat, but now it's time for him to pee on the A's stuff. Lol
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
