I am having a hard time right now in my life - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am having a hard time right now in my life

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Two things come to mind for me, BF.

1 has to do with your youngest daughter. I find myself wondering if large groups are too much for her? I also find myself wondering if she feels threatened by the bf?

2 has to do with grief and honoring its cycles. I understand that you live in an apartment complex so planting bulbs for spring with the girls probably isn't a possibility for you? If there is a place to plant spring bulbs, doing that in the moonlight with the girls might be a fun thing to do that also builds new positive memories for you with them? Doing something anonymously for another on significant dates of loss for me has also helped me honor the life of my loved one and utilize their memory to benefit another. Doing what my loved one can no longer do but loved to do or supporting a person in a significant way that had similar passions to my loved one also helps me work through the significant deaths in my lifetime. One of the greatest fears humans entertain is the fear they will be forgotten when they die. By doing something in their memory on their birthdays or the day that they died, I see it as a way of continuing my love for them. I don't know if what has been a help for me might be a help to you but maybe?

I wanted to add something on meeting the x - unless they have children together - I would find it strange that she wanted to meet me. I wouldn't do it because I'd be concerned that it is a way for her to stay involved in what is no longer her business - his life. I'd also be concerned that she wants me to know her side of the story - and there is always another side - and that would also be none of my business. If there are children - then I would want to meet her so that she would know what kind of woman has contact with her children - and to demonstrate my willingness to honor her right to know who is involved with her children.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 28th of October 2014 08:25:32 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 28th of October 2014 08:26:14 PM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF,

Maybe it would be a good time to be gentle with you, .. you have seriously had a LOT going on in the recent months. It's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed!! I do think that grief that hasn't been dealt with kicks me in the butt. My grandpa died when I was 15 and there are specific times of the year to this day I struggle with because I never got to mourn my grandpa that part of the deal was just taken from me. My mom and grandma decided not to have memorial services and all I knew was that his ashes were spread at see. It was a very difficult time for me.

I like having my kids in counseling .. it gives a starting point at times and I know for me it helps me get a better perspective on what I can do better, what I need to let go of AND what is just me being human. I have had very candid conversations with their therapist where she has said to me .. sometimes you just have to grin through it and I say NO .. no I don't .. and even she will agree .. I get it .. I get tired of always having to be the adult part of the parenting. I think on a whole I do the best that I can and my kids are thriving just like yours .. guess what .. they are human too which means .. they aren't always perfect .. they sure are perfectly imperfect.

The hardest part for me with being a single parent is the fact that it does seem like when things are going good something happens to throw me off. It will get better I promise. I have to really focus on what is going write and not what is going wrong. Make sure you take time for just you .. if you feel down .. you feel down just don't stay there. It is perfectly healthy to have an off day. It's what I do with the off day that truly defines my healing and where I am.

When I came into alanon for me it's kind of like being a Christian (this is my faith) who says I'm going to do everything "right"? I'm not suppose to have down days? Who says that? Where is it written I'm suppose to always be flying high? I get angry, .. I feel frustrated, .. I feel sad, .. I have a tantrum from time to time .. LOL .. it's ok .. it's because I'm human and I need to cut myself some slack. I know I can start my day over anytime of the day and maybe I really do want to stew .. that is MY choice. It doesn't mean I'm less of an alanon person because I have a moment .. it means I need to turn left and do something different.

I hope some of what I have written makes some sense. You are a rock star when it comes to this program and how it works. I don't know how much your reading your lit with all of your additional studies going on .. maybe a daily devotional would help remind you that you are precious and you are human .. it's ok when things don't go according to plan.

As far as the EX and that stuff .. WOW .. you are a far bigger woman to meet her and not be a little fiddy about it .. than I am .. I would not be happy. That stuff irritates me .. that's me .. LOL. You will do what the program says because you work a wonderful program of recovery .. who says you have to meet her just because 7 months has passed .. she probably doesn't even know what you have gone through because of her past actions.

Big giant hugs sis .. it will be ok. S :)

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Breakingfree,

You are definitely not alone with these feelings at this time of the year. It can begin slowly for me and then escalate as the holidays get closer if I'm not mindful to post my feelings here, journal or share them at face to face Alanon meetings. Doing those things, takes their power away to overwhelm me. This isn't to say that grieving doesn't crop up out of seemingly nowhere at unexpected inconvenient times for me too.

Of course you miss your sponsor... you spoke so lovingly of her and your grieving of her may have been delayed because you were trying to give back to her and her family. I'm sorry you lost her, your dad and for the loss of your marriage. I had the loss of my dad and husband together as well. They were the two men who had the most influence on my life at that time. It felt awful.

I have a painful month too. August is hard for me. But since I started Alanon in that month, I chose the day my dad died to be my Alanon anniversary to honor us both. I know he wouldve been proud that I found recovery. Is there any new tradition or celebration you might add to October? Having something to celebrate hasn't taken away my sadness but it has helped me affirm that life is going on in a positive way. You ARE a positive person just as you wrote.

I think we just experience these ebbs and flows. Sometimes the change of seasons will do this. Honestly, today I wanted to sleep this afternoon too because it became so dreary, windy and wintery out. I don't know a lot about our natural instincts or cycles but I've heard the change of seasons can affect us. The end of the year causes us to look back and take stock of where we are. Why? We are the ones putting these expectations and pressures on ourselves really for no good reason. To me, it's a bit like when we come into the program and as newcomers and compare our recovery to others in the rooms.

In this last year I made the commitment to myself to begin yoga. I can't begin to tell you how much that has helped me to let go. I make sure I go to yoga as if committed to therapy or an Alanon meeting. Its part of myself care. Breakingfree, theres no doubt, you have a lot on your plate every day with the schooling, work and girls who are going through those usual growing pains. I hope youre taking time even a half hour just for you.

Just my experience but when Im feeling a little off kilter, I ask hp please, please, please lift the confusion and show me your will for me. I tell the god of my understanding that I just want to be able to function and get first things first done. I gave up pride years ago and ask for help today from other people.

Just my experience but I wish my mom while she was young and I was in grade school had admitted to me more often that she was tired, overwhelmed and needed me to help her. Instead of waiting until she was overwhelmed at which point her feelings began coming out sideways. I would have liked if she had trusted me to get things done for her and also accepted that it might take me twice as much time and be done in a kid's way but what the heck.. progress not perfection. I think we both would have benefited greatly from that kind of humanness and vulnerability with one another. I likely wouldn't have put pressure on myself for so many years as an adult before finding this program.

Thank you for sharing. Ill be keeping good thought for you as you work through your feelings and priorities for yourself and your girls. ((((hugs)))) TT

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I can definitely relate. I had a miscarriage in the second trimester too...many years ago. Also, my daughter was born the same day my dad died. That was late September...9 yrs ago. Now that I am separated, I am not looking forward to the holidays. What I have found, is if I just go through the motions of doing things, I feel ok. For example, my daughter and I just carved a pumpkin. It looks good. I try to keep busy. I know it can be exhausting. Maybe try to have new traditions for the holidays with your kids and boyfriend? My AH is not really into the holidays, so I am feeling good that I can just do whatever I want.
I am so sorry about your sponsor, that is hard. My sponsor is like a mom to me, if she died, I would have a hard time! Could you do things to remember her? I hope I've helped some. The feelings you have are normal.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a hard season for me too. I'm not always up for a lot of socializing, but it seems equally important not to isolate too much, because then I just get more brooding and off-kilter. I'm trying to start some new things that seem promising. I rejoined an old group I used to belong to and that's given me a little bit of energy. I think we need to be tender with ourselves and get all the support we can.

Spur · Senior Member

Breaking Free, I go through periods of being overwhelmed and feeling like everything is out of control and I'm spinning in circles repeating the same behaviors and getting the same results. Today I had a really bad day with my two youngest teenage girls. They were both disrespectful to me and each other, I feel like all I do is nag them to get things done or harp on them for their behavior. And then I think I should treat them like my A and realize I can't control them but then they are children and my job is to form them into productive adults but how can I do that when they ignore me and fight with each other constantly? Today I was very frustrated and I just wanted it all to stop. I don't have any help to offer because I don't know what the answers are myself. I can offer you a ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on because that is what I would have loved to have today. Being the sole parent is damn hard work. It's draining, and then add the loss of your friend and sponsor and I can totally understand why you are feeling depressed. You've lost a very important person in your life and you're going to miss her more when you need her and want to reach out to her.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You took a loving step for you by sharing your feelings with us. I do understand....my past includes times of hyper responsibility with little to no obvious support and an inability to ask for help. I wish I had had al anon and MIP. If you were closer, I would have you over to sit by my fireplace in my little red chair, swaddled in my soft purple comforter, enjoying the smell of my homemade spaghetti sauce. (((BF)))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((BF)) Grieving is a very individual process. My son passed 7 years ago and I joined a loss of child grieving group , set up a web site to honor him and visit it daily to this day.

I think that really allowing myself to feel the feeling was/ is the most important. You have shared here which is a great start, now please be gentle with yourself, allow something to fall by the way side, own your feelings and when you feel the loss, talk to HP about how you feel, even if it is anger or resettlement It helps
Prayers as this too is a process.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the love MIP family! I really needed it, I am not good about asking for help, and the people I have met since moving here are all in school and crazy swamped too. I think my hardest days are the ones I don't have a lot going on and instead of reading my chapters and getting caught up, I rest and let the brain stew. Being idol is not good for me and I had a slower than normal week with the timing and it wasn't good for me. I do need to keep a bit busier and I don't feel like it isn't dealing with issues I feel I have dealt with them and need to keep myself from climbing on my pity pot and reliving it all.

grateful2be ~ My 6 year old has had behavior impulsive behavior the last few years since we moved out of her dads house, that is why I let her live with him last year, but that didn't go well. And the bf of 7 months and her are very fun and playful together. He has 2 daughters 11 and 16 and our girls get along very well. His ex-wife wanting to meet me freaks me out and I know it's because they have kids together. I just am not prepared to face her with some of my feelings I currently have and well she will have to wait until I am in a better place. I start a new clinical tomorrow and hopefully seeing babies being born will help me to love this season more!

Thanks everyone I do feel like everything is okay just have a dark funky personal cloud hanging over me currently, my eating, working out and life schedule is askew right now and I just need to get it back to normal. Years passed I had sent my kids to their dads for Thanksgiving and Christmas break and literally slept and ate through the break and when my kids returned I resumed life. This year I won't let it happen and will start new traditions. Sending you all love and support!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey BF, I liked today's "Language of Letting Go".
It was about acceptance, not only of circumstances but of our feelings, that really spoke to me. Its OK to feel crappy. Can we accept those feelings instead of fighting them and saying "I shouldn't feel this way"? Or that's how I read it. Like, you can't make peace with those feelings and move on until you accept them and let them be what they are.

You're a pretty amazing woman, a HUGE inspiration to me. I love your positive energy and relentless optimism. You are a gift to the world.
You tackle a lot with a smile and always find time to be encouraging to others.

I think there would be something wrong if you DIDN'T get in a funk every so often.

Like, imagine if you felt amazing all the time and never felt worried or uncomfortable? How would you know what you wanted or needed?
I really try to see the bad times and crappy feelings as learning opportunities.
Maybe you get one every October?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

El-Cee posted below on the victim role. Maybe that would be a helpful read. I got a lot out of it because it helped me to remember the "being stuck" lessons I got from my own VA counselor. Good that you are able to recognize pieces of the puzzle and reach out for help. Keep coming back (((((Hugs))))) smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I also wanted to add that I'm sorry about your miscarriage. (((Breakingfree))) T

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((BF)) You have a plateful so please be gentle with yourself!

Regarding the boyfriend, I can relate. I met my boyfriend's ex-wife and things went well despite my being nervous. She is a lovely person and in other circumstances we may have been friends. I could understand her wanting to meet me as I was starting to spend time with their daughter; I would want the same if the situation were in reverse. It may be helpful to keep the first meet on the briefer side to help you feel less anxious.

The boyfriend's daughter is 15, and, while she and I get along, she brings a lot of "stuff" to the table. She still wants Mom and Dad together... understandably, but this leaves me in an awkward place when she acts out. She just started counseling.

Regarding grief... there are so many layers to grief, I know, and you're not alone. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and I wish I had some words of comfort. I know that I do better when I eat nutritiously and exercise as routinely as possible.

Sending prayers.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi BF---tender love and understanding/compassion for yourself....like a "soakie" in the tub, a nice walk, curl up w/ a good book and let those feelings pass through and honor them, not getting to wrapped up in them, sorta like watching them from the witness box instead of the judges chair

curious as to why Ex Wife wants to meet you??? i would pass on that, sounds kinda weird to me...like she is curious about you??? no need for a meet..she is past..u r present

sending you support....

eriegroupgirl · Member

Can you hear me?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I learned to accept I feel crummy, do my best and that is that. Only you can take care of you. Also it is temporary, things are always changing, up and down and sometimes horizontal. Yes everything no matter what will be ok. You need to let your brain rest when it wants to. In the scheme of things, papers, dishes, dust will wait. Life is most important, your body, your heart your mind.

I remember being where you are, kids, work, college, having to do everything being a single mom. It all changes so fast, too fast. here I am old, retired and enjoying my old lady time.

Where did my babies go? My teen kids? Gone is the pressure from college. My career is done. Day at a time, do what you have to then rest.

Maybe you need a get away? Do something that challenges you physically. Go on a hike with the guy, take good food, the dog. Look at what is around you.

sometimes a waterfall reminds me thru everything that is going on in my life, the worlds life, that waterfall just keeps on flowing. I think about those huge very very old trees who stand thru it all.

You are doing great, look at all you have accomplished. Its ok to slow down or even stop.

hugs honey. deb

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Ah, new baby watching! What a gift. I can tell you are looking forward to that clinical.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi BF! Just wanted to come on this thread and give you a HUG ((BreakingFree))! You are an awesome mom and a beautiful lady!

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Such a tough time of year! It sounds like you are doing all that you can, and sometimes you have to be gentle with yourself.

I love that you will be seeing new babies born, how special and what a miracle!!!

Sending you hugs!!!

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you feel better soon bf, this to shall pass. Take care of yourself.x

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I was already feeling a lot better today heading to clinical at 5 a.m. this morning. I might have pulled out of my funk and gotten back in the saddle with a smile on my face even though it was 40 degrees already here in Northeast Wisconsin, ha! Things are good and I am remembering who I am and what I am made of, my sponsor used to remind me and now I just have to dig deep and remind myself! Thanks so much for all the love MIP family, as always I ask here and I receive here! Sending you all love and support!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good work BF Sharing the pain does help it to lift Glad you are feeling better.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so glad the day was better for you and I hope you got to see several new "little people" entering our world?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh grateful if only, today we just got assigned a bundle of paperwork and were oriented to the floor and medications and supplies we will be giving out. Hopefully tomorrow, what a gift the miracle of life is! Okay break is over back to homework! Sending you all love and support!

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