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Post Info TOPIC: Al-Anon helps me


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Date:
Al-Anon helps me


I've been in Al-Anon just a little over 2 years. August was my birthday month. I just have to say, that the experience, strength and hope I get from the program and the people of the program are just great. It's a day at time but just for today it's a good day. I wanted to share what I shared at my meeting and to another Al-Anon friend. I'm proud of myself for using the gift of this program and I thank my HP for all that I have and have been given to live this life.

Here's what I shared:

Last night, I came home from work. I stopped at Jack in the Box and grabbed a burger because I forgot to eat or rather I didn't feel like eating the frozen chicken pot pie because I dont have a fork. I also tend to emotionally eat and have been pigging out on junk food. Anyway, when I came home, my husband said he smelled food on me. He asked me if I ate something. I thought about lying but I know that wouldn't do me any good and besides thats a crappy thing to lie about since he smelled it. I told him the truth. He changed. He went back to his video game and he was distant. I just went about my way. I changed and read Women married to alcoholics book. I had to get our son from school so I asked if he wanted to go. He flat out said no and didn't skip a beat on his video game. So I got our son and on the way home I saw him driving away from the house. It puzzled me for he didn't tell me he was going anywhere or text me. I got home with our son and just did my thing and began cooking after I talked with with my Al-Anon friend on the phone. My husband came home and he was distant. He didn't sit next to me. He didn't talk to me. He was showing much more affection to our son and the dog. I was good with it. When we went to sleep, he lost his temper with his phone charger. The cord was broken. I told him that I had gotten another one while at the store yesterday and went and got it and fixed the problem. He had a mad tone when saying you always keep junk around. I knew something was wrong but he wasn't telling me. I said, If there is something wrong, you need to tell me. He didn't say anything and went to sleep. I just went into bed and tried to do the same.

Except I couldn't. I felt like he rejected me. I felt he was punishing me for my eating habits like the way I punished him when he drank alcohol. I started to resent him and started to sniffle. I also became upset. I recognized I didn't want to be there so I picked up my book and went into another room and read, Women married to alcoholics. I think that is a whole post in itself but in summary, I identified with the women in the book and I checked off the list of suggestions on how to help myself. It helped me from being upset and helped me to calm down. I read, or rather skimmed, through the book through all the war stories. I heard my husband puttering around but just let him do his thing. If he had something to say, I was going to wait for him to come in the room besides, I was reading and taking care of myself.

I felt like I could go to bed so I went to bed and laid down. But, I felt tears coming on. I wanted to cry and needed to cry so I went out to the deck. I remember saying to myself, Why doesn't he accept me the way I accept him? Then I thought of all the people who love me and have told me - friends and family who accept me for who I am. I sometimes dont show my true self but the part I do show, people like. By the way (BTW), my true self looks like a kid having fun it feels great and sometimes I achieve that when Im talking with friends and being around people who I feel accept me my husband sees my true self when his stuff doesn't get in the way.

So I looked up to the sky and said to my Higher Power, my God, the Universe, the God of my understanding, the Force (from Star Wars), You accept me. You have given me so many gifts to be able to live in this world. You accept me for who I am. Then I realized I needed to accept myself. I was looking for approval from him and since I wasn't getting it, it impaired how I felt about myself. I then said, I accept me. I accept me who I am, the situation I am in, the things I've done and thought about. I accept all of me. I accept that I eat to feel better. I accept it all. I stopped crying and felt peace and was able to go to bed. I didn't sleep well but I was able to get some shut eye.

This part I didn't share at the meeting but it follows the events chronologically so Ill keep going.

Lately, my dog has been getting into bed with me around 530. She did that this morning so I could tell what time it was. She accepts me she wants to be around me. Its an external thing but it definitely affirms me. My husband's alarm went off and I immediately went into the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. Usually his alarm will go off and I follow him into the kitchen and prepare his lunch but I did already by making a burrito the night before. So I just went about my business. Hes usually really nice when saying goodbye but all he said he was that he leaving now. I asked for a kiss and he complied. I said I love you but he just left. So I went about my business. It bothered me that he was like that last night and through the night and this morning but that was him. I just went about my business, still affected and processed through it, but held constant that I have no control over what he thinks or feels.

After I got out of the shower, I talked to myself in the mirror. I accepted who I saw in the mirror that person was me. I smiled at me. I loved me. I felt sympathy for me. I accepted me. I could look at myself in the eye when I talked (it is kinda hard because its a mirror it takes practice). I felt good about who I saw in the mirror. I felt good about me. I went about my morning business and added a walk with the dog before taking my son to school and me going to work.

My co-worker who is my senior lead but not my boss said to me, I want to be able to talk with you because I dont want you to have to guess what is on my mind. I shared that with our son this morning. I said to him, Please let me know what is on your mind. I would like to hear it. I dont want to have to guess at what you are feeling. Sometimes it is hard with you and sometimes your daddy to figure out what youre feeling if you dont tell me. I want you to know you can come to me and I will let you know so that you dont have to guess how I am feeling. I will let you know. Will you be able to do the same for me? He nodded and we got to the bus stop. I had read in that book to be open about your feelings to your kids even if those feelings are vulnerable. They need to know how youre feeling for it helps them too and you can get stuff off your chest. 

When I go to work, I let my husband know when I get to work so he doesn't worry. Hes been better at telling me where he is as I am doing the same with him. I told him to have a good day and I love him. I also text him, If there is anything on your mind, I am here to listen. I love you with all my heart. He replied. I love you too. I just have problems I need to come to terms with. I text back "thank you for letting me know. I am here for you". He said "thank you". He text me later to see how I was doing. I told him that I had just gone for a walk and that was my second walk for I walked the dog before I left home. (Shes getting kinda fat too so Im getting us both in shape.) He said he was glad to hear I was more active for hes concerned about me no exercising much. I told him thank you for the concern and that moving feels good.

All that to get to what was bothering the guy sheesh!

Something I did share at the meeting and thought about on the way back to work caught my attention:

I had mentioned that I felt blame when he was asking if I ate food. I felt like he was pointing his finger at me while questioning me. It was similar to the way that I would behave when he drank. I would withdraw from him, withhold love and affection and punish him for the bad behavior. He was doing the same to me now. I had read when pointing the finger at someone when it comes to blame, you point one finger at the person and the other 3 are pointing back at you. Somehow showing that really the blame is on the person doing the blaming. I didn't like doing that because the blame I was laying on him was my problem. Im not going to blame him like the way he blamed me. I saw my part and I no longer blame him. I see alcohol and other triggers as the enemy, not him. 

But as I was going to work, something occurred to me about these hand gestures. Many times, I put out my hand to offer help. All 5 of your fingers are extended to the person you are offering help to so it is really up to them whether or not they want to accept the offer of help. But, what happens when we offer help to ourselves? I turned my hand inward toward myself while I was driving my car so the fingers were pointing at the person I was offering help to. I was interesting because that hand went toward my shoulder and gave me a hug. When we offer ourselves our own help, we give ourselves a hug. It felt good to give myself the hug and pat on the back (even while driving).

 

I feel like Ive gotten it all out. Thanks for reading. I do really like responses. Sometimes it feeds my soul. It feels good to know theres someone on the other side to share with and possibly pass on my experience, strength and hope. But Im glad I got all that out. Phew! Ok. Time to get back to work =) Whatever.

Thank you HP (The Force), Al-Anon, the program and the fellowship. Keep coming back, it works if you work it and work it because you're worth it.



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alwaysLP13


Senior Member

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Posts: 287
Date:

Hey Always I loooove The Force. It makes me conceive of HP as this butt kicking guy with a light sabre and long hippy hair. That'ss awesome. Thankyou for a motivating day start. I need the force this morning!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

I like this. Your post was all about self care and nurturing your spirituality. I can see principles of the steps as well. Good work!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 531
Date:

Hi always and welcome to MIP. You have found a bunch of wonderful, supportive people here. I'm so glad you found us. You post shows you are focusing on you. That's pretty powerful, so I think the force must be with you!!

Keep coming back.

It works if you work it.



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3968
Date:

Great awareness and program work here. I am an emotional eater and often have trouble in times of stress with my eating. I however love myself and dream of getting to a healthy weight for myself and have put working out into my life on a schedule to take care of me. I now love how it feel when I work out and eat right and feel sick when I over eat or eat unhealthy heavy things, but I do still give in from time to time, just not regularly like before, it's about progress not perfection. I am glad you are here! Sending you love and support!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 720
Date:

Your post was so good. We all have issues...whether it is smoking, drugs, shopping, lying, food, love, internet, stealing, hoarding. I too gained weight about 24 years ago. I was always a very skinny person but got sick and started eating candy bars. To me they made me feel better, but of course they really did not. My husband said a few not so nice things to me about it and of course I just ate more. I have lost some weight but need to take off another 20 lbs. To read your post and see how your husband reacted to you eating, and knowing how I react to my husband when he drinks was like a light bulb moment for me. Now if I want to say something to him I will remember your post and stay on my side of the street. Thanks so much, Jenny

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Senior Member

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Posts: 125
Date:

Welcome AlwaysLP. Thank you for your share. There is much to consider in what you said. I especially liked your story about the pointing finger, and three others are pointing back at ourselves. I'm also trying to be more open with my children about my feelings and how when they are disrespectful that is hurtful to me. Understanding instead of blaming is very important.

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