The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive been on another site for 3 years..It was an infidelity site..Now our lives have shifted once again...ANd I no longer belong there...I have for the last 6 years, gone thru every emotion imagineable. Trying desperately to figure out why my marriage was falling apart. Why I no longer recognized my H...I was afraid he was cheating, and maybe had been, and always while drinking...I was so focused on that trauma, it took me awhile to piece together, that it was all alcohol... THis seems to be a common path...Who knew...I hate being ignorant to such common activities, but you learn when you experience...
My H is a high ranking professional..Much of our 30 yrs have been work travel...I really didn't have a real view of the alcohol consumption..I knew he drank...I was again angry because he was "going out" out of town..We had discussed this while dating, I told him this was not allowed, and I would rather never get married...if that was the case...Alcoholics lie...He made promises..Was involved in church his entire life..I trusted..For the first time..I have grown up in both parents alcoholic family..I was trying very hard to break the cycle I was very aware of...But I was deceived...The travel kept it hidden..And diiiliberately.. I am exhausted..I feel I am at the end..I am familiar with the end..I have walked from alcoholic relationships before...
AH had 2 breakdowns...Complete mental state the second time..Could not work, read, retain, comprehend, confused, suicidal, basically brain damaged...Everyone rallied and helped..Saved his 30 yr career...Been on 2 meds since... 7 months later, he drank, and now within 3 weeks, he is almost back to hospitalization again... He denies he is A...I have never seen alcohol effect someone so badly before...He loses all ability to think...paranoid.. I cant believe this is our life now...
This is after the affairs..I feel very done...I am now experiencing the third breakdown of his....with no mental progress..He is so ashamed yet will not admit anything...I feel compelled to run...I am familiar with alcoholics.. and the failures... I cant believe he hid this so well....I think I would rather run, and skip all the trauma drama...I have been in this place several times in my past...Financially it would be the smart thing to do...I am not heartless.. He has no one in this state...I think he will die...Yet nobody can reach him.. All of this has happened since February..I have stayed for 6 yrs, trying to Reconcile the marriage after infidelity, to no avail..He is emotionally empty, as alcohlics are, it took me awhile to see that...I was focused on other women..I just didn't realize...Evenn with my experience...He was good at this, until the breakdowns...
I feel guilty to leave. He is loosing is 30 yr career...He is losing me, he is losing his grown children, he is losing h is family..Everyone is done with him.... Now as of today, he is hiding everything from me, about his condition...faking so many things, acting like all is great, and I know he cant work.. Hes all fake... I am looking for alanon meeting..There are not many in my area....I need to do this to heal me...My plan is to attend for awhile, to be better prepared to leave.. Yet I am compelled to bale out and run...now..
There's an old joke, how can you tell an A is lying? His lips move. I believe my ex husband meant what he said when he would make me promises at the time that he made them. The dragon that is attached to him kept him from keeping his promises.
I hope you are able to find a meeting. This site has meetings online. Perhaps those can be beneficial until you are able to locate a face-to-face (F2F) meeting.
Alanon has been a huge life saver for me. It helped me take a look at me and keep the focus on me. Alanon helped me to recover and in turn help my family to recover.
I wish you well on your journey.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
welcome to alanon......just a thing i learned..... a cheater is a cheater, the booze only lifts inhibitions but the cheating is within him....i know A's who never cheat...just drink...same goes for beaters...i was married to two A's....A#1 was abusive and leaning towards physical with pushing, shoving, etc...2nd A was gentle...it was not in him to be physical with me.....so beaters are beaters...cheaters are cheaters...
you, unfortunately got TWO hurts....marrying an alcoholic and marrying one who breaks his marriage vows....So so sorry that you went through this....to me marriage is sacrosanct...You promise things b4 your creator and to break them is tragic.....to me , cheating and beating are deal breakers....i have to be able to trust....if i cannot trust?? i cannot make it work....
you said "I feel guilty to leave. He is loosing is 30 yr career...He is losing me, he is losing his grown children, he is losing h is family..Everyone is done with him.." I NEVER feel guilty when it comes to taking care of me.....i would be gone in a heartbeat and NO worries, no regrets...i don't want a sexually transmitted disease....as to his "loosing and everyone is done with him"??? WHO caused it??? Not you!!! we have 3 C's in recovery
I did't cause his XXXXXXXXXXX
I cannot cure his XXXXXX
I cannot control his XXXXXXXXXX (fill in the addiction)
you are powerless over his choices and his actions.......he did this to himself and is now reaping what he sowed?? SAD??? Yes!!!! your fault or responsibility???? NO!!!! not even close
i am glad you came here....glad you reached out for help....if you can't find face to face meeting, there are on line meets here......please keep coming back...this program works....it will help you find you and pave the way for a healthier, abundant life for YOU...b/c you are worth it.......letting go is hard, but necessary for our own sakes...IN SUPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP, a fellowship of equals whose lives have been affected by alcoholism. It is wise of you to opt for al anon meetings so your recovery can begin. Living with alcoholism is well known to you and it will continue to affect you whether or not you are living with an alcoholic not in recovery. It is a cunning disease.....al anon can help you live a life free of its affects. There are online meetings available twice a day through this site, too. We are glad you are here, keep coming back!
Hi, One and Only - glad you have found us. There is much wisdom here.
Others will have helpful things to add, I know. I just wanted to say that sometimes we're under the impression that it's unworthy or cowardly to leave an A. On the contrary, it is life-preserving and even helpful for the A. If they are protected from the consequences of their addiction, they just decide to keep on drinking - as you've seen. Letting them feel the consequences doesn't guarantee they'll enter recovery, but protecting them from the consequencea pretty much guarantees that they'll keep on drinking.
So you are free to do what you need to do. I hope you'll find face-to-face meetings and get all the literature and start working on your own recovery. We all need it when the chaos and insanity sweeps us into the storm.
I want to hug you. As Paula said,there are online meetings here,and they are great. There are people who understand what it is to live,love and leave an alcoholic with the hope of regaining ourselves. Meetings are confidential and judgement free,you can speak your truth amongst people who understand, anywhere you have a net connection. ((hugs))
Hi One and Only, welcome to MIP. As Mattie said, your A may need to lose his life to regain it. Leaving him could be seen as a natural consequence of his cheating and drinking and general irresponsibility. Think about other couples you know. If the husband of one of your friends would have done what your husband has done, what would your advice be?
Welcome to MIP. I can certainly understand the dilemma that is facing you. These are the kinds of circumstances that require a lot of silent prayer and listening for the guidance and wisdom of my HP. I can understand your desire to bale and after attending Al-Anon meetings for awhile, you may see another solution? It is suggested in Al-Anon that we don't make any major changes (except in the case of abuse) for at least six months after starting our recovery program. That doesn't mean you have to follow that guidance and yet many have discovered that it was good counsel for them. Keep coming back here, too.
Aloha D and welcome also from the Pacific side of MIP. We don't give advise however we do suggest a lot those events, issues and behaviors we have experience with especially those which came from others and which saved or lives and sanity. It is good you found the front door and look at all of the responders that know where you are at and what has happened. We are you and you are us...we have worn those shoes that you wear now. Try some faith and self commitment for yourself and give us 90 days of coming here and reading and sharing what is going on with you and what you are coming to understand. You already know how cunning, powerful and baffling the disease is and you already know how bad and empty a person can and will feel after giving all they have to give and not have any returned. You know...we know. Only one of the descriptions of the alcoholic is that they are self centered to the extreme. Believe me much of what you are seeing with your own alcoholic is that self centeredness. He hasn't surrendered to the awareness that he is owned by a incurable disease that can only be arrested by total abstinence nor has he gone to sit with those who understand it and him and listened to what they know and how they arrested the disease in their lives. He has three choices...sobriety, insanity amd death. He isn't in the sobriety stage and from reading your post it sound like he knows and you know and now we know that he is between insanity and death. It happens a lot. Come sit with us often...90 days with an open mind and see what happens. Find those area meetings near you and get to them fast and/or attend the on line meetings. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
