I've never met anyone who says they are an alcoholic or recovering addict on a first date, so I have no experience in this. If I did hear that, I guess that I'd be grateful that the person was upfront with me. I would know how to proceed from there.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 27th of October 2014 10:03:52 PM

Hi Lin,

I had this experience and can share with you. My bf told me he was in recovery the first time he met me because he said he wanted to be up front and honest with me about himself. He told me that his recovery came first before anything else and went on to further explain to me that it had to. He explained to me that he needed to go to AA meetings to keep sober and anyone who would be with him long term would have to understand that those meetings would be a priority in his life and sometimes a priority over other plans if he felt he needed to be at an AA meeting for the sake of keeping his sobriety.  He told me, "If you don't want to get to know me now that you know I'm an alcoholic, I understand but I need you to know this right at the start."  He went on to tell me there were no guarantees concerning sobriety and that he was trying to take things a day at a time and concentrate on just the 24 hours he was presently living in. He was sober 3 months at that time. I was in Alanon 13 years but I let him talk and I listened before telling his about myself.

I told him I was very glad to hear that he was in recovery and congratulated him on his sobriety.  I told him, "I'm glad recovery is the first thing in your life because it's the first thing in my life."  I went on to tell him I'm in Alanon. I told him Alanon is my way of life and as long as he was serious about recovery, I could take him seriously. If he wasn't, I couldn't be bothered. We agreed to get to know one another the same way we were getting to know ourselves in recovery - a day at a time and see what hp's will was for us. More than four years later, we're still taking it a day at a time.

Today, my bf is a doublewinner. He works both AA and Alanon.  He tells me Alanon helps him to better understand the family's feelings concerning the harms he caused when he drank.  He also says it helps him to identify what he's feeling as sober person who's feelings are no longer being numbed by alcohol. He's also uses Alanon tools when interacting with family members who are still actively drinking.

Thanks for your question.  This is just my experience.  I hope it helped with your question.  (((hugs))) TT

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is a "best case" explanation which you have just shared TiredT and WOW...that is how it is supposed to work when the programs are working.  Good for you both cause everything is working because it is being worked and I can just feel HP's satisfaction. 

From my experience in listening with others I believe that quite often when a recovering person mentions up front to a relationship that they are in recovery it is because saying it is important on many levels hopefully most all legitimate.  I like the idea or the thought that it would be mentioned to help explain early behaviors from the program person.  Being in recovery causes differences in what can sometime be expected as "normal' behaviors and often Program behaviors are not "normal" to others.  I was in my credit union taking care of an issue and after talking with one of the loan officers in her office suddenly we were on the subject of crises communications (don't know how we got there and don't know if I steered it hmmmm) any how I asked her how she communicates during crises and she said that she just shuts up to which I responded that the greater amount of communication is not verbal and body language.  "Even if you don't speak your body will"; also I said that too often it what said isn't what we say and how we say it.  I asked her if she knew about "detachment" and she didn't so lightly I gave her some of my experience on learning and practicing detachment, being able to participate with a person who might present the opportunity to be in crises and being able to participate and not in the crises.  She smiled and then laughed..."How do you do that"?  I told her it was different programming and not where I learned it.   In short she was listening to "different responses" from a person recovering from something.   No I didn't ask her out for a date...I'm detached from that now.   lol    (((((hugs)))))  

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 27th of October 2014 11:21:03 PM

I told people that off the get go. There are several reasons:

1. Most or many first dates, the person will suggest "meeting for drinks" in which case I would say no and then why because, I didn't want them to keep suggesting it and me shoot the idea down repeatedly with excuses.
2. I spend lots of time going to AA. It's important. It is where I know lots of my friends from.
3. Recovery is a giant part of my identity and something I tend to daily. If I had to "hide it" or not be up front about it in any way, it would be giving alcohol power to sneak back up on me. I give more power to AA and my HP and less to the disease and it works out well that way for me.
4. Being in recovery is my strength and not my weakness and it turned that way after a year or two sober. It was my strength then too, but I wasn't so eager to admit I was in AA, when I had less than a year sober.
5. It is the longest I've ever stuck with anything in my life at this point...
6. People sometimes as "Why don't you drink?" because they do it on first dates and getting to know each other....I don't feel like lying or sugar coating. If I say 'I don't like it" or "I don't want to" that is a watered down version of the truth. I would actually say frequently "because I am an alcoholic and it messed up my life for a long time."
7. There is nothing shameful about being in recovery or about having a problem. It's a shame when you have a problem and do nothing about it.
8. It's good for my recovery to be transparent. Any time I start trying to be something I'm not, I slip back into old character defects that are not good for me. Would it be manipulative to tell someone I am an alcoholic in recovery right away? Maybe, but in my case - It's MORE manipulative not to.

Hope this helps. I wanted to state 12 reasons to be cute, but I crapped out at 8 :)

Lins,

As someone navigating the dating world I have found this also. I have entered into the scary world of online dating and some of the men I have been messaging back and forth have stated their activity in a recovery program prior to even meeting. I always that them for their honesty. Depending on the length of time we have been messaging/known each other I may or may not disclose my history with alcoholism/addiction as the exwife of an alcoholic.

Maybe I'm in a different place, but I don't wonder what it is they want from me when they tell me that. Their intentions or motives are not mine to own. I own how I respond to this information. If they are looking for an enabler they quickly learn that this is the wrong woman. Most people want to meet over coffee or a drink. Someone telling me that they are in recovery to me means that they just don't want meet for drinks and they are probably feeling me out. Someone in recovery dating a drinker isn't the best for their recovery.

In the end what you do with that information is up to you.

Amanda