The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a new member to this group. I have a few questions that I would greatly appreciate others feedback. First off, I am a single mother of 2 boys and have been single for about 3 years. A few months ago I began dating a guy who was upfront with me that he was a recovering addict. I thought it was a very honest and brave subject to admit to me on his own. We have been dating for a few months now and feelings between the two of us have been growing faster than we anticipated. A few weeks ago he relapsed for a few days and I had noticed. I had confronted him in a well mannered way and he denied it. That night I finally got him to admit that he made a mistake. I have lost my trust because of him lying to me. I'm really struggling with believing anything he says now. I'm trying to understand the program and addiction. He has other women that he talks to that are also recovering addicts. One in which is in an in-patient treatment center. She is beginning to get 24 hour furloughs home on the weekends and expects him to spend the whole time with her. The only time we get to spend with each other is the weekends. I can understand if he would go to lunch with her or something, but to spend the whole time with her is a little much. I don't know if I am being selfish or if I should feel left out.
Hello. Welcome to MIP. You are asking what to expect. I can't answer that question for you. I can say that the best way to learn more about the disease is to attend Al-Anon meetings or Nar-Anon. They are not for the addict. They are for friends and family of those with the disease of alcoholism or addiction. Since you have only been dating him for a few months, it appears to me that you are not yet in an exclusive relationship with your friend? With that said, in my experience it is not unusual for both men and women in recovery to talk with each other. It would be unusual for a person of the opposite sex who is an inpatient to expect another person in recovery to spend an entire weekend with them. I don't know how long the man you are dating has been in recovery and I'm guessing not very long? If that is true, attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings for yourself can help you reach a decision that you can live with that will benefit you in the long run. Considering you have young children and are a single mother, I want to tell you that I had to divorce my addicted husband after an 8 year struggle. Our marriage and our relationship was very damaging to both my young children. On my end because I lived with it longer than healthy for me. On his end because he wouldn't get into a formal recovery program and died at an early age later. The program will be a big help to you. I highly recommend it.
Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place and I'm glad you found us. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that, without abstinence and a strong recovery program, ends in either insanity or death. It can affect anyone within reach. It's helpful when dating or caring about someone in recovery to educate yourself all about the disease and how it may affect you- attend Alanon meetings, read the MIP message boards, and keep posting. A few months in sounds like the very beginning of a relationship and it takes a long time to get to know someone. I agree that I wouldn't be happy if I were dating someone who chose to spend a full weekend with another woman, but this is his prerogative and choice... if I were exclusive with someone, then I would need to consider my options and what course of action would be in my best interest (only you would know what is best for you). Keep coming back.
hi there. I can only say from my own experience that the confusion you describe doesn't get better it gets worse. The way an a can say something and seem to mean it then act in a completely different way. I want to say to you,read all the posts here about loving an addict and then put your real life running shoes on and run as far as you can from this man while you still can. All those years of being a single mother and the loneliness, I know that's hard. But life with an a is soul destroying. It concerns me that you are already having to coach him to admit he made an error....it tells me that your at the step to the Ferris wheel which will keep going round and round and round. The thing about as is they are amazingly charming and likeable.but their logic is different. You are not dealing with a healthy mind. His admission of recovery didn't raise a red flag for you,it put him on a pedestal for being honest. Now you and I, we see that as open minded and caring. An a is likely to tell you two years down the track that you knew what he was,he told you, so why are you so upset when I do ....... .in your position I would ask myself,how much of my connection to this man is based onn the idea that I'm the woman who can be there for him, understand him like no other,essentially save him. You have two beautiful boys. Its not a terrible thing to say,I got alot of work ahead without adding a recovering addict to the mix. In your situation I wish id held out for more. In hindsight I didn't cos my own beleif system was one of not good enough. (and I was actually very successful in my career at that time). Whatever you do, alanon is here,and there's a saying about taking what you want and leaving the rest,I offer this to you now for my reply. I wish you clarity and wisdom.
-- Edited by aquamom23 on Tuesday 28th of October 2014 01:44:28 AM
JMSAS, I will not tell you what to do because this is your choice. However, I will share what I know about early recovery an addiction. People who are stuck in relapse mode and/or in very early recovery are not good relationship material. They have terrible boundaries and are super needy. They can't make firm or respectable commitments as they are like a giant bag of needs and they will be involved with whoever and in whatever way to get those needs met most of the time. It takes a long time in sobriety to have integrity and good self-inventorying practices set in. So...if you continue on in the relationship, just be informed. This is generally what someone early in recovery has to offer (not much). They usually advise people new in recovery to not get in new relationships for a year or so at least because they tend to manipulate and use partners just like drugs (to make them feel good and not for true companionship). Alanon would help you. It is difficult to meet an addict and see so much promise in them, but they are not yet the person they "could be." Alanon could really help you either accept who he is and what he is now or move on...It will also give you greater insight into yourself.
Welcome to MIP...lots of great responses here. I would add there are red flags to observe that may cause you more suffering. I hear some of that already? Al anon will help you choose whether or not this is a relationship to invest in at this time. Also, accept how you feel without question...you feel what you feel and those feelings need to be heard and acknowledged. Keep coming back!
I just read your post and it reminds me of my ex so much. The lies and the manipulation, it's like a game they play to get attention,he kept me confused and drained, always questioning myself.I would run to your nearest al-anon meetings. and look closely at where you wrote "I am really struggling with believing anything he says now". That says volumes about a relationship that is just starting.All I can say is if he continues to use,he will continue to lie.
I think probably what we can gather from the early stages of any relationship is "This is what it will be like, only less wonderful." Because the early stages are when people are on their best behavior. So it may still be good, but less rapturous later on. On the other hand, if there is dishonesty, relapse, or difficulty early on, that is what the future holds. As the saying goes, when people tell us who they are, we should believe them.
I know that I got trapped in a number of painful relationships (or I should say, I trapped myself) because I was lonely and I saw a lot of potential in the person. There were enjoyable times and I loved those and thought, "If we can only get this going in the right direction, it will all be like this!" But instead it headed in the wrong direction. That's what addiction does. I was looking at what I wanted rather than what it was. I wanted to believe the best of him. So I put my own blinders on.
They advise people in recovery not to begin relationships in the first year, because they are too unstable. The fact that your guy did start one in the first year suggests that his recovery was not very strong, as indeed you saw on the relapse. And now his first year has started over, assuming he has climbed back on the wagon.
Knowing what I know now, I would not date someone in recovery in the first five years. The danger of relapse in those early years - and not just temporary relapse, which is painful and chaotic enough, but permanent relapse - is more than 50%. I didn't know this. I thought most people recovered. Sadly, they do not. I would have kept the alcoholic/addict as a friend, from whom I could detach easily when needed, and kept my life open for healthier people to enter.
