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I figured out last night I REALLY don't like being in the passenger's seat .. LOL! So my daughter is driving and bless her heart hasn't been getting a lot of driving time mostly because we are always in a hurry OR honestly the girl just isn't home. Yesterday I asked her drive us around .. I try to do it on the weekends because things aren't normally so harried around here. We obviously have my son, pick up her boyfriend and head to church .. LOL. Her and I banter back and forth during driving because it's what we do. I had to laugh .. after almost going head on into another lane thankfully we had time to get out of the way, why do people always grab the door handle in the passenger's seat? As I found myself doing .. as IF it would do any good given the situation .. LOL .. the car is not a horse and I can't use my will to make it turn or my weight for that matter. Of course the squeal of get over get over already!!! We are all settled .. poor kids in the back seat I doubt will ever get in the front seat again .. LOL. I am verbal in terms of soothing others .. so I tease .. never mean .. just something to lighten the moment, as awful as this sounds it's my way of dealing with tension .. my court stories are perfect examples. I would be an awful murder suspect .. I say the most inappropriate things. I tend to point out the obvious in a are you serious manner. I had to laugh though because by the time we got to church daughter's boyfriend says as we all get out of the car laughing .. why didn't I record this and put it up on youtube .. you guys are hysterical!? My daughter was so anxious to get out of the car for the first time all day hands me the car keys and says ok .. I'm done for the day. We laughed .. OMGOSH did we laugh. She'll want to drive today and she will.
It really brought home and gave me something to think about today, .. I really don't like being the passenger's seat of life either .. it's just no fun to relinquish that control over to something I can't physical see as another person. Good grief .. another person? Who am I kidding .. I just don't like to give things over .. some how though things DO workout the way they need to even if I create a crisis trying to do the right thing. Just because I see a train wreck coming doesn't mean it's all bad either if I just remember to breathe. No matter how tight I hang on to the door handle .. it's not going to move the car or in this case, change a person or a situation.
Ironically and I think this applies to the program as well, the message last night was Life isn't fair. If anyone is interested in the passages that were read I will gladly share those on PM. I love that the God of my understanding has radical grace, radical love, radical hope, radical truth. It reminded me that it's not just radical grace for me when I have done something that is not ok, it's for everyone even my dumb a$$ of an Ex gets it to. Plus in order to be the woman my HP created me to be I need to for my own purpose be the guiding light for others to see. I'm currently rolling my eyeballs in the back of my head so hard they probably look like slot machines waiting for a payout ..ugh.
Anyway, I guess I just need to get radical .. while doing the next right thing .. sometimes I feel so conflicted about this issue .. what is the right thing? Do I let someone walk all over me or do I take a stand and say ENOUGH and NO NOT OK? I don't know .. I don't think I could sleep believing or feeling that I allowed my Ex to walk all over me without taking a stand. I will do the right thing or try to because that's who I am .. I'm a rule follower as I heard it stated before .. at the same time I really ring true to the rebel without a clue statement too.
Just something to think about ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
S you are so right in the right place sounds like. Self questioning is inventory work and necessary. I learned that when I do that to do it around the elders or others who had the ESH to pass on their journey to me. I learned I had to ask for help all the time or face the chance of the disease being fatal which I have witness more than several times meaning not only to the drinker and user.
I get and understand that part of your character has moxie which for me means courage and patience and open mindedness rolled up with willingness to continue in growth. You didn't like surrendering control and yet you did. It felt uncomfortable and you trusted anyway. That is program and while mostly I like having HP being the entity I ultimately trust that isn't all that reasonable or sane because I know that my HP has many instruments which HP has used to help me bring about my recovery. You're smart and intuitive and have perception and perspective and those are huge tools to use insuring your growing recovery.
You say you need to get radical in the face of the slogans Easy Does it, One Day At A Time, First Things First and such. I know what you mean because I've been there and thought and done that myself...rushing it and finding out that when I did I wasn't trusting the process, the program and my Higher Power. My sponsor impressed me with many things such as "you didn't get here overnight and you won't get out over night either...take your time". Another was "you will not secure your recovery using the same brain that created the problem" and I learned then and there I was going to need the brains and ESH of many many members who had gone before me to save my own life.
I remember coming to the point of admitting that I had been walked all over by the disease and then adding that it brought me to my knees screaming "UNCLE"!! and considering suicide as an alternative. The anxiety and fear and pain went away when I was able to honestly do that...and I learned that is what true surrender is rather than the submission I actually was doing. There is a difference and Dr. Harry Tiebout spelled it out so clearly for me on page 135 of the ODAAT. Thank you God for all the tools you've left us to use.
I know about being a rebel also...diagnosed with ODD...Oppositional Defiant Disorder and now with the program being able to be that and still consider alternatives to my reactions. I am responsible.
I share your feelings about the lack of control with the ten drivers. My two girls are 15 and 16...I let the 15 year old drive us the other day and I felt like we were going off the road the whole time! I really had to work on not reacting - she really was doing fine, I just felt so out of control!! You sound like you are doing well - happy for you!
