The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello! My wife is an alcoholic, and made the incredible decision to enter rehab, on her own, two weeks ago!
We have four kids together (6, 8, 10, 12), and while the last two weeks with her in rehab have been kinda tough on all of us, it is still WAY better than the last year and a half of her drinking hard. I guess I could get into all kinds of stories of what the last year and a half have been, but I am more curious about how to help, with her direction on what she needs, with the transition back into our crazy, normal, daily life with four kids, sports, homework, family events, my full-time job (that has day/night/call shifts), and just real life. Do any of you have any useful suggestions on what to do/not do? We have been having meals with her, both at rehab and out in the community every other day, I have been going to the family support sessions with her at rehab, and I will be attending my local Al-Anon meetings (very difficult at present, as I am "using" all of my family support time to make sure kids have adults around while I am at work). I have also been reading Al-Anon and other books for the past year, and feel a lot more sane in myself and as a "single" dad to our children, but I know there will be a long journey to help our kids sort out their own thoughts and feelings in the future - that will be a process both my wife and I have talked about and feel that she needs to take an active role in, along with me, after the initial newly-sober period gets under way...
So, are there any concrete suggestions any of you that have been through this have? She will be released in early November, and I want to do my part in giving her the best possible option of staying sober (even not being around her daily, it is amazing to see the light and clarity of her previous self back in her eyes!)...
Welcome! I stop in here when I can and others will certainly follow me and welcome you too. It is great that you found this site (MIP-Miracles in Progress), and this place is for you!
It sounds very promising that your wife made the decision to go to rehab on her own. My husband is actively drinking so I don't have any experience with post rehab, except what I have heard from A's in joint face to face meetings and here, in that it is a very "fragile" time. We have others here that will share on that, with first hand knowledge.
This is a very special place, we don't give advise or suggestions, but instead we offer lovingly, our own ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope) in dealing with this disease of alcoholism.
We each have our own journey in recovery. You wife will have hers and you will have yours.
Keep Coming Back!
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
Advice in Alanon is a no no. Suggestions are not and so I would suggest you going to alanon, getting a sponsor and working on your own recovery. Your wife will need to do the same for herself. The best thing to help her is to model recovery and keep your own recovery strong. Just speaking on my own experience, the biggest reason people relapse after rehab is they don't follow up with AA and don't develop a real program with meetings, a sponsor, step work, and sober supports.
My advice/suggestion ( call it what you like ) is Al-anon and letting go of your wife's recovery and beginning your own. Detach with love and kindness is the best thing you can do for her and you. Coming here is a great step so please keep coming back because you are not alone.
(((( Mark ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I'm glad your wife has made the decision to go to rehab. Both times my wife went to rehab, I was amazed to see that light and clarity begin to come back. After the first time she got into recovery, but it seemed to have fizzled. She didn't know about emotional sobriety, they were more interested in getting her detoxed and to AA. She didn't go to halfway house as they recommended, and perhaps that is where she would have gotten to hear about that. She relapsed within a couple of months. She subsequently got two DUIs.
Second time, she had completely surrendered. Her second DUI had landed her in jail without bond for 10 days. She had had enough of that, and at second rehab told them she would do whatever they wanted, even if it I didn't make sense to her at the time. And she did.
Meanwhile, I was going to family support where I learned about Al Anon. I wanted to know where I get rid of the suppressed anger that I had. I was too codependent to express it fully outwardly, so it was always bottled and leaked out. So I found out about Al Anon, and also this message board. it was the best thing that ever happened to me, it has started me on a lifelong journey towards serenity and understanding what *I* need, which is something I have always neglected.
When wife returned from rehab, I was determined that I wouldn't figuratively beat her over the head with the bottle. I wouldn't look for them anymore, if I found a bottle that was her business, I would tell her I found it, and ask her what she wanted done with it. it was her decision. The couple times I did find bottles they were leftover from pre-recovery days, and she told me to throw them away. No fights, big scenes like we used to have. I learned how to say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean. I still struggle with this though, since in my head I am still convinced that she doesn't want of value my opinion, despite many examples to the contrary.
We did make a relapse plan with the help of one of her rehab counselors. We haven't had to use that plan, and she has been sober for almost a year now.
I have struggled quite a bit with emotional re-attachment. Part of the reason she began drinking is because of my emotional detachment, so detachment wasn't that hard for me when she became an A, but re-attachment is hard for me.
So, I suggest coming back here to the board and posting. Also, we have meetings twice a day, see the top of the page to see when the meetings happen. They are great if you can't make it to a face to face meeting.
in reply to MarkLH22