The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here, just reading and trying to figure things out.
I'm very confused. My ABF of a year is currently sober after a being in rehab a few months ago but the honeymoon period is running out and I am starting to realise that he's a jerk when he's sober too.
The last time my mother saw him until a few weeks ago was pre rehab and he was smashed, acting very strangely and my mother had to take my son away as he was scared of the strange behaviour. I kicked ABF out, he went to detox and rehab and I stupidly forgave him.
My mother has come to stay for a couple of weeks and ABF just pretends nothing has happened. It's like the elephant in the room. He expects everyone to just move on because he has. Now he is upset because when he asked why my mother was acting a bit off with him I told him that she thought it was weird that nothing had been said and that things that are not acknowledged cause issues. My mother has extensive experience in working with addiction and mental health and as a family we talk about stuff!
he thinks that since he isn't drinking it shouldn't be an issue and we should all just move forward. how can he be expected to recover if I keep bringing up the past etc. I have forgiven him and for the most part don't need to talk about things further but it's not natural to never mention it.
am I being unreasonable in expecting him to understand that just because he doesn't remember much of the episode, those affected by it have feelings still?
Hi Bombshell ,Welcome to Miracles in Progress . You are not being unreasonable in your desires for open communication with your partner. Alcoholism is a disease of mind , body and spirit. Once the drinking stops there is still a huge recovery period that must happen in order for the alcoholic to be able to honestly face the past with clarity and honesty. The steps of AA promote this growth and takes time to accomplish.
Alanon, the recovery program for those of us that live with this disease offers the same opportunity to us. Face to face meetings held in most communities helped me to break the isolation caused by dealing with alcoholism,offered me understanding and new tools to live by so that, I too could review the wreckage of the past, own my part and move forward.
I urge you to check out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Please keep coming back here as well.
Welcome to MIP. No, you are not being unreasonable....it sounds like you are wanting something different than what your boyfriend is able or willing to give right now. Are you attending al anon meetings? The meetings will help you through this confusing time and help you honor you and your needs. Keep coming back!
Thank you for your replies - I looked up local meetings and there is one tomorrow evening so I will go along.
I have come to realise that while I can happily leave things in the past in terms of anger and recriminations etc. I'm not ok with it being a taboo subject. It's not good for my mental health to just gloss over things. ABF said some things last night that really made me realise that nothing has changed, except that he isn't drinking. He still doesn't take any personal responsibility for anything. It's always someone else's fault.
